Feeling broken

[Jessica5536]

So, I've been fighting this urge to crossdress since I was about 8. It has always been in the back of my head that I want to dress up and look like a woman, but I've always kept it in check. I would buy one or two articles of clothing here or there, but I always was overcome with guilt and would get rid of anything I had within a few days. So, I spent quite a bit of time over the past few weeks and actually ordered myself a few dresses and complete outfits online.

Now I feel hugely conflicted. I've got all of this stuff now and it makes me feel so good to put on a cute outfit and walk around the house when no one is here. However, as soon as I take the cloths off I feel terrible. I'm not what my wife wants in a man. I'm not what my parents want in a son. I'm not someone who would be even remotely accepted if people knew about this side of my personality. I should probably not care what anyone thinks but that's a really hard thing to do when the people who mean the most to me would probably not be able to accept this side of me.

I'm feeling very broken right now as a person. Crossdressing is something that I think I need on a very deep level but I feel like I have to choose between being happy with myself and having the people in my life love me.

I don't know... Do I have to choose between being happy and being loved? It very much seems that way.

[Robin414]

You're certainly not alone Jessica, I feel the same way lately as well! I've been to a phsycologist a couple times now over the past 10 months and I think that's the next logical step

[Ninna]

Jessica! You have a beautiful name bu the way, I undersyand your feelings I feel many times like you, dark days is a part of the journy im afraid, but I sure youre a beautiful and great woman!! Nothings wrong with you! You maybe dont need to tell this to your family maybe they mever understand I think thats depend of you, and youre family, you can enjoy being girl in secret and let flow naturaly, im a begginer being CD and nobody knows but I enjoy muself and i accept my condition!!! And im gonna tell you something! Being girl is very very fun!!!!

[Marcelle]

Hi Jessica,

As Robin said . . . you are not alone and many here go through the same wave of emotions. It feels good but part of you says it is bad. The key thing to remember, is that it is part of you and it is not wrong or something to be ashamed of. I believe the right step for you now would be to seek the guidance of a therapist who specialize in gender identity issues as they might help bring order to chaos. Once you have leveled, you will be in a better position to move forward. It is a difficult journey but one you can navigate over time with the right support in place.

Cheers

Isha

[Debb]

Jessica,

I am just now beginning to understand that it is possible to have both -- happiness and love. It's taken such a long time, and there's a very long way to go, but there is a light.

I am in early stages of transitioning. One of my friends, who I recently came out to, has said:

“To be, or not to be. That is the question.” Such a question is only yours to answer. Not your wife’s. Nor your kids’. Don’t let them answer it for you.

For me, it's a question of: if I continued being the person everyone knew, that'd make them happy, and they'd love me. If I can be happy, these same people may or may not continue to be happy, or to love me. That condition may last forever, or it may only be temporary. I am hoping for temporary.

You are not broken. You are asking the very questions that show you are not broken, the ones that show you care about yourself, and for others.

[Eryn]

Jessica, your thoughts pretty much match mine of a few years ago. My entire self-worth depended on what I imagined others thought of me.

Once I started to examine my transgenderism more closely I learned that a lot of my issues were generated within myself. Once I realized that the next step was to determine which issues were actually important and which just products of my imagination. I'm still working on that, but I feel a lot more true to myself and my loved ones than I was. Before, I felt as though I was "faking it" through life. Now I feel much more authentic.

[Sarah-RT]

Jess I'm feeling the same way at the minute. The last 2-3 days I've felt terrible, I can't explain why but I feel I'm suffering too, for a couple of reasons but the dressing is a major factor. The replies to your thread have been lovely, and very supporting, I can't seem to accept the message they endorse however, not for the lack of encouragement but simply the inability to accept myself..

[Tracii G]

First thing is stop hating yourself so much.

The rest of the stuff you will have to figure out with a therapist perhaps.
How can you say for sure the people around you wouldn't accept you if you had a serious talk with them?
How about talking with your wife alone and tell her how you feel?

[krissy]

Hi,

I feel these feelings too!i feel its part of our being brought up in the male world ,we wouldn't want any male find out .Me personally im 58 im just now coming to terms that its part of me .This site is a great place to share .We are here for each other .

[TrishaTX]

I think we are all in this boat from time to time. I struggle with being accepted and just being wanted. As long as I can remember it has been this way.I too hope it all works out in the end. Stay on here and get support and seek out good therapy they help.

[beth_myer]

This is definitely something all of us feel at some point. I am a FTM cd, and today I went out in boy mode for the first time with my infant son. It was oddly depressing. I was so excited to buy myself a new outfit yesterday and I couldn't wait to go out in it today until I got to where we were going. Partly, it was because I was in a new place at an event that turned out to be rather underwhelming. But I really felt like everyone was staring at me and I was worried I was just ruining everyone's day. It was especially depressing because I knew I looked obviously female. This is not logical or reasonable, of course, but I felt really alone when all I wanted to do was go out and do something fun with my son.

So, I left that place and I had to collect myself, stop beating myself up, and go somewhere else that I knew would be more fun. Thankfully, it turned out to be an ok day overall. We all struggle with 'Is this wrong?' I've finally decided that it can't be. It's part of me. Anybody who really cares about me will accept it. They don't have to like it, but they can at least respect it.

Hugs!!

[Abby Kae]

You're not broken, Jessica.

I wish I knew who this quote was attributed to: "Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind."

You have to be true to you.

[lynda]

hi, girl your you are not broken, confused , yes, but look around the whole world is confused,all my family and friends , polititions everyday people are confused , we just have one more thing to be confused by cding, but you know, cding , the one thing that that keeps me sane, it brings out feelings that make me feel warm and nice.so whatever you do with it keep it to yourself or shout it to the world , enjoy the the trip, and enjoy being on this forum , some of the best people , you will ever know, love peace Lynda

[Teresa]

Jessica,
Most of us understand your feelings , you will have to try and get to the point that what's inside you you can do nothing about so try not to feel guilty about it.

My last counsellor tried to impress on me not to live my life with a head full of assumptions , finding you're going round in circles ! Important things have to said sometimes to break that cycle otherwise it just gets worse . CDing is not an illness but it can induce it especially mentally if you can't talk to someone about it, I finally succumbed to counselling even without my wife' support . It did make things more difficult as I was talking openly to one person and not to my wife apart from it finally persuaded me to tell my son because of the problems we were having with our marriage .

[Katey888]

Jessica - I could have written exactly what you've written there dozens of times over the past three decades... The conflict you describe is so pervasive and understandable to me, but a couple of things I try to remember that help me come to terms with it and inch closer to self-acceptance:

First and foremost - wanting to do this and feel like this is not wrong! It's unusual; it's not common; and we're not average by any means... but it is society that places abstract and artificial ideas of gender presentation on our world that we struggle to overcome and the muggles ('normals') struggle to understand why we need to do this and why it is valid for us to do it... But just because they - and we - don't understand doesn't invalidate your feelings and needs...

Secondly - it may not be essential that you share this with anyone else just yet. No matter what anyone tells you, many of us keep this a closely guarded secret for many, many years... you don't need to risk upsetting 'normal' life by feeling the only way to progress is to come out. Despite my largely closeted existence I have come much closer to self-acceptance and fulfilment but only in the past couple of years (and I have twenty-some years on you! ) Maturity in life also helps with self-acceptance - there's really no way to accelerate this factor: it just takes time...

Don't beat yourself up over this - try to take the feelings as they come and take your time developing an idea of what you feel you need to do with this passion (how far it drives you) and making as much as you can of the other side of your life and finding fulfilment there. Perhaps you might be able to express a more feminine aspect in male mode? Or perhaps this isn't enough and you need the whole transformation experience? It may be something else, but only you can explore this and find what you need...

Few lives are without compromise or sacrifice of some sort - some of us are able to compromise and find a balance by managing the conflict... I hope you can too...

Katey x

[sometimes_miss]

You're not broken, society is broken. Has been for a very long time. But it's slowly getting better.

What you wrote probably describes a huge number of us. I lived through feeling exactly the way you do for decades. I know now that I'm not 'broken'. But I know that a whole lot of other people continue to see me that way.

[Katie01]

Jessica, I'm in my 60's and have also felt the seesaw feeling of excitement and guilt/remorse for a long time. After I got a divorce (not cd related at all) I started dating a woman whom I eventually came out to. When I told her about my guilty feelings her response was, "REALLY?! You feel guilty about wearing panties?! Why?!!! It's FUN!" I realized in an instant that I was taking it way, way too seriously.

Granted, for many it is a crisis of identity, which is very serious. But for those of us who simply enjoy role playing and wearing pretty things, or whatever, I say just have fun with it. It is likely to come and go so enjoy feeling like a girl when it comes. Btw, I don't dress in front of my GF but that is my choice and I'm ok about that too.

Good luck Jessica. I hope it works out for you. HAVE FUN!

[pamela7]

Hi Jessica, and welcome.

It sounds as though it is time to accept the inner drive within, and to move into living life as a woman, which could be really scary, and a long road. I doubt the feelings will go away, nor should they. It is just your time to wake up and be your true self.

good luck, none of this is easy

[docrobbysherry]

Many, dare I say, most of us have gone thru periods where we felt there was something wrong with us? Guilt and shame after every dressing session? I'm still dealing with mine after 17 years of dressing. Altho with the encouragement of so many here, it's not as overwhelming as it once was!

First off, u may need to find a balance between your needs and those of your friends and family. In my case, since I'm not a TS, I found that dressing privately in the closet worked well for me for 15 years! Then, I had to tell my daughter or sooner or later get caught in the act.

Remember, unless u must come out, dressing privately harms no one and is simply a diversion like golf or watching TV. If u r TS, you'll need to find a lot of answers! Eryn, above, seems to successfully found a way to her own healthy, happy out life style!

[Wandacdmn]

Me too. Have had that feeling countless times. I've now only done "continual" dressing for a few months but I'm afraid I'll get to the place where I will toss my things and pretend this isn't a part of me. I also have no answers. It feels amazingly good and amazingly wrong each time I see myself as a woman. Thanks for sharing.

[suzzi]

I've gotten more comfortable with my dressing since I joined this site. I still feel ashamed about it once in awhile and think to myself what am I doing? Once them panties and bra go on its all forgotten!!!! Feels so good to dress and be me!!!

[flatlander_48]

J:

Rest assured that you are NOT the First and you won't be the LAST!!

MANY here have experienced what you describe. In my case, I wouldn't have chosen those words particularly. The way it sat for me was that when I was fully dressed and made up, the image that I saw in the mirror was really "weird", as if to say "Who are you fooling?". What I found was that when I started going out with some frequency, that subsided and was largely replaced with a knowing smile. It's almost like meeting a new person.

So yes, we are different from most, but difference is a good thing. If we all thought the same, all drove Chevys, all went bowling on Thursday night and all wore grey pinstripe suits, where would the fun be in that?

DeeAnn

[kimdl93]

It's really not an either or choice. There are ways to express this part of yourself without informing involving people in your life that don't need to know. The one exciting is your wife. At least try to reach some level of honesty and compromise there. A life of hiding can be destructive.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Hi Jessica,

Welcome to the forum. I think much of the guilt you are feeling stems from having to keep your desires a secret from those who are closest to you. There is nothing unusual about that. Keeping secrets is a burden, so at some point down the road you are going to have to let the cat out of the bag, first to your wife then to others, but I agree with Katie that should not be a priority right now. I'll add my voice to those who are recommending you find a skilled gender therapist to guide you in discovering what your dressing means to you. It is only when you better understand yourself that you'll be able to deal with the questions others will ask of you. Lastly, keep coming here for support because that's what we are here for.

Hugs,
Bridget

[Jessica5536]

Sorry about the delayed reply, I needed to get out of the house and be alone for a while. I appreciate everyone's feedback. It's nice to hear that others have gone through/are going through the same thing. At times I've felt like I must be crazy. So I just bottled everything away.
I don't know that I could talk to a therapist just yet... Just doing that would take more courage than I have at the moment.

For now, just knowing that other people are dealing with this actually helps quite a bit. Thank you.