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Thread: Crashing

  1. #1
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    Crashing

    Hi all! I need a little advice. I came out to my wife about 6 months ago and she was very accepting and helpful to me. Recently, our son spent 2 weeks away with his grandparents which gave me more freedom to dress. It was an amazing time of going out and rekindling our marriage. I feel like my wife is realizing I can love her much better as a woman than as a man. Well, the party is over. My son is back and I've had to go back in the closet. The depression, anger and anxiety have returned full force. I feel like I can't be me. I'm unsure about telling my son because he has a form of autism called Aspergers and he doesn't handle change well and would probably tell people. I don't want to be a selfish baby but at what point do you have to be who you really are??

  2. #2
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    The age of your son and your wife's acceptance or lack there of r quite important, Chris.

    Why do u feel Aspergers is of such critical importance? Have u discussed your situation with medical professionals?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  3. #3
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    No, I have not discussed it with any professional yet. My son is 16 and the Aspergers causes anger issues, repetitive routines and oppositional behavior.

  4. #4
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Asperger Syndrome is a very important consideration when it comes to disclosure to a child. Agree that you need to tread very carefully.

    As for your situation, you describe the joy in "dressing up" which tells me you identify as a CD'er which means this is something you do. Sure it might make you happy but I agree that you are behaving like a petulant child if you are not capable of loving your wife the same no matter how you are dressed.

    You only disclosed six months ago, how did you function before that point of disclosure?

    I recommend that you find some sort of balance in your life. Carve out time when you can do what you do so that it doesn't crush you every other moment of the day when you are unable to do so.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  5. #5
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    Oh Chris - this is really, really tough. I've had to deal with all of the above very recently and it can be very painful. I'll try to share some insight. I lived with a mature Aspergers child for several years and never felt comfortable dressing or being myself for fear of how the grown child would react. i experienced fear, anxiety, depression, and debilitating cognitive dissonance. The child, an adult really, was in his own world and would remain there until he decided to either deal with the world or continue shutting it out for his own reasons, tragically never really having much social function.

    You are not being selfish, trust me. A child with this syndrome will consume all you have and more. You simply cannot take care of this child until you take care of yourself first. That means your emotional needs and your cognitive needs and self validation must be taken care of first, then you can take care of the rest of the world. If the child looses you, that is the real tragedy. The child, depending on the spectrum severity, may or may not even process any difference between their own steady state and the outside world. Perhaps you beat yourself for nothing. That child, your son, needs your love and support more than ever. I seriously doubt that love in a dress or slacks will really alter his reality as much as your love and concern for your son. He will not deal with many things, he will exclude them. He may not deal with this - it is hard to tell. But unless you take care of yourself, you cannot take care of him. Please don't make the mistake of hiding. It will hurt everyone. I made this mistake. Please don't repeat mine, it is a terrible regret.

  6. #6
    Member jasminepp's Avatar
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    I dont have an answer for you but i have an 18 yr old brother who has aspergers but is high functioning. He can be opositional, miss social cues, has very limited social life, and is definately set in his ways but boy is he intelligent. If you at some point decide to tell him i would suggest giving him as deep and detailed explanation of why you dress and that your feminine aspect is a deep part of who you are. One thing i know about aspergers is that thier brain power is incredible and being able to process this part of you intellectually may help him understand, of course you can only explain it as much as you yourself understand it.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    I agree that you are behaving like a petulant child if you are not capable of loving your wife the same no matter how you are dressed.
    No he isn't, he's being honest about his inner turmoil, and venting about issues which give him enormous stress.

    Which isn't to say I have any advice for him other than explain it all to your wife and come to an arrangement where you can get some dressing-up time, even if it means a few days away in a cheap motel.

    Sincere best wishes Chris,

    Nikki
    I used to have a short attention spa

  8. #8
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    Hi Chris,

    I am going to go out on a limb here and assume this is the first time you have a certain amount of freedom to dress for an extended period of time? If so, you are probably on a bit of a "dressing high" (some refer to it as pink fog) and you long to recapture that feeling which is what is most likely driving that exasperation you are feeling. This would be made more salient if that was the first time you went out in public and just enjoyed being who you are. There are a couple of issues you should consider IMHO:

    1. How would your wife feel about you stepping up your game sort to speak? Specifically dressing more often, going out, going out with you, being more public? I am not sure if you have discussed these new feelings with her but if you have not, it would be a good place to start and come to some sort of accord with her on the way ahead.

    2. WRT your son, I agree with Sherry. If you truly think telling him is a way ahead, I would have a talk with his specialists (a frank discussion about what you do is going to be required) to determine if emotionally he could handle such a revelation. If the specialist does not think so, then it puts you in a position of doing what "feels good" and balancing that with the needs of your son and stability in the home. If that is the case then perhaps you could work out "girl time" with your wife from time to time where you go off and do your thing in a more public setting.

    Just my two cents.

    Cheers

    Isha

  9. #9
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    I have nothing to say here except to say how touched I am by your situation and by Belle Cri's so very moving story. I can only wish you the best.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Chris63,
    You have a double problem here, if it was just dealing with a 16 year old without aspergers I would hold off until they were older most kids of that age have enough going on to deal with without your problem as well. When you bring aspergers into the equation it is possibly doubling that problem because you have boy in a teenagers body with possibly a much younger mental age who as you mention is not good at accepting change !

    I think the way to deal with it if you are so desperate to dress and it is having such a profound effect on you ( which I can understand !) I would add an item gradually , let him accept each change as normal and then move on , I would think in a few weeks you may be fully dressed without too much reaction . The only proviso may be makeup and wig because that's when the guy does disappear, you son may not relate to that happening no matter how many times you do it .
    You may not want to appear selfish but you son may not relate to that feeling only you know your circumstances to answer that one .

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasminepp View Post
    I dont have an answer for you but i have an 18 yr old brother who has aspergers but is high functioning. He can be opositional, miss social cues, has very limited social life, and is definately set in his ways but boy is he intelligent. If you at some point decide to tell him i would suggest giving him as deep and detailed explanation of why you dress and that your feminine aspect is a deep part of who you are. One thing i know about aspergers is that thier brain power is incredible and being able to process this part of you intellectually may help him understand, of course you can only explain it as much as you yourself understand it.
    I get the very strong sense that there are professionals who are far better qualified to advise than I, and I can only offer experiential insights, but Jasmine is absolutely right on this. The IQ of the child I lived with was (is) staggering. The amount of information they are able to store is stunning, but it comes at a painfully high cost. I really like the idea of using intricacy to explain. In my experience, that is certainly not something foreign to Asperger's, and there seems to be some sort of soothing relief in infinitely complex absorption. The social interaction was the troubling part. My overwhelming thought was "he has difficulty enough, I don't want to make things harder by counterposing this as a social example."

    Boom, right there: Guilt, shame, fear, self loathing for me. And the poor kid never did a thing. I did that to myself.

  12. #12
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    Hi Chris, It's always been Family First with me.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

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    Thanks for the advice, all! A lot to chew on and digest here. I do want to go slow with my son. My real issue is that I've hidden this from my wife for 23 years and dressed in secret. The result was years of anti depressants, anxiety meds, booze and weight gain. When I came out I was able to stop all of those things. I think you get to a point where you have to care for your own mental health in order to be a good husband, father and provider. Yet there is a balance of sensitivity to others feelings and issues. Walking a high wire without a net

  14. #14
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    You've already answered your own question; Don't tell your son. If you do, he will either tell people or use this information to blackmail you. You're going to have to tough it out until he leaves home. Even then, don't give him a key to the house.

  15. #15
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Well ... I'm unfamiliar with aspergers, but I'm not unfamiliar with the other aspects of your situation. When I came out to my.wife, there was a similar rekindling of our relationship. Wonderful things happened in my marriage, when I came to a place where I was finally able to "drop my shields". It sounds like this happened for y'all as well, so congratulations! (Seriously, it's a huge thing, take a moment to appreciate the enormity of it!).

    Coming to that place entails some complications, though. Managing those complications can be challenging, but it sounds like you and your wife are probably on the same page.

    I'd avoid complicating your relationship with your son, at this point. I'd suggest you just have a nice, rational talk with your wife about your need to make a nice, private place in your lives for this. It is possible to compartmentalize this so that you are still able to share this most intimate aspect of yourself with your wife, and not necessarily with anyone else, if you don't feel you need to. If nothing else, maybe taking that approach initially, and cautiously proceeding from there makes sense?
    Last edited by Amy Fakley; 07-20-2015 at 09:52 AM.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  16. #16
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    There seems to be a great variance in responses concerning your son's Asperger's Syndrome. My wife and I are friends with a family whose oldest son has Asperger's Syndrome. He is highly functioning. He is in college. He's an Eagle Scout and scout leader. Yes, he may be socially awkward. Each child is unique. Suck it up and contact his medical provider. I am assuming he has one.

    Also, suck it up with "I feel I can't be me." There's a lot of us who have gone through life with a lot of sacrifices. I very much doubt your wife will go along with loving you as a woman rather than a man. Get your feet rooted to the ground. If you are suffering from "depression, anger and anxiety" you really need to consult a therapist. If you Asperger son is only sixteen, nothing is going to change in your life soon. To whom is your anger directed? It seems in your mind the only person hindering your desires to express yourself as a woman is your son. Have to discussed these feelings with your wife? Have to told your wife you want to be her female lover?

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    Stephanie, I have told my wife everything. She is very supportive and encouraging. Her only stipulation is the she doesn't want to have sex with me dressed as a woman. I totally understand that.

    In regards to the depression, anxiety and anger I have been to a psychiatrist and counselor. Most just want to give you pills and bill your insurance. Personally, I would rather wear a dress regularly than take pills.

  18. #18
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    That is a tough situation, and i cannot relate too much, as i have never been married, nor had kis, but my entire family of origin, is very sick emotionally, and never been diagnosed. If i outed myself to them, they would have fits of anger, and despise me even more than they already do. I remember a radio talk show host in Seattle, that was extremely smart, and did his whole three hour show, standing! He confided that he had that disease. I cannot give any advice, that is better than that others have shared.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  19. #19
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris63 View Post
    I don't want to be a selfish baby but at what point do you have to be who you really are??
    Just a quick question/suggestion. It occurs to me that much of what I wear is indistinguishable from men's clothes. Jeans, t-shirts, cowboy boots, and my hair in a pony with no makeup except mascara.

    Would it be helpful for you to replace your everyday clothes with the same thing from the ladies side of the store? Then you'll be dressing like a chick every day and nobody is the wiser.
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
    At least there is social acceptance in being a drunk in our world. Hell I was good at it too.
    Melissa Hobbes
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  20. #20
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Melissa has a good suggestion for you, I do practice something similar.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

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