Transition because you have to?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am happy with many aspects of my male life. ..............

....................................... Don't waste your life in a lie. Believe me, all your accomplishments as a "male" will ultimately be like dust in your mouth.

Lallie

Dust in your mouth.....
if you are transsexual and you come up with decades of reasons to not transition....this is your likely fate....i spit the dust out when i was 48 years old... i accomplished so much in my life...great kids...so much love...great job...none of it felt "right"...it all fell apart..i am not the only one of course...

in the end, if everyone could boil it down to simple quality of life that would be great, but as humans we are not well suited to predict the future and its really hard to face current consequences in comparison to future unknowns..

all don't transition unless you "have to" means is that its a serious thing and flirting around with the idea as a lifestyle choice is idiotic and not productive...

the statement also reflects how many times we must simply accept huge and destructive short term consequences to proceed...we accept those consequences because we "have to"...perhaps it makes it easier to swallow for some people..

===========
and fwiw my transition was wildly successful...i'm authentic passable and real...all done at 50... i live how i please...i feel alive...my kids, my ex, my family all accept me... they saw how it improved my life....they responded to my better self....

it took 5 years of hell to push the button, and 3 years of really hard work to execute it but i wouldn't trade my path for anything.... i think fighting for those 5 years was what it took for me to have the confidence and internal fortitude to keep going when it seemed really bad (telling kids...wife hating me...giving up on my job...deep deep depression...).... if i didnt "have to", i have no idea if i could have gone on...

so if "you have to", then i say you simply do it and you do it as best you can... you treat all around you like gold and go about your business and make no mistake transition is business in the end...whether you are 20 or 80

[stefan37]

You can talk all you want about choices and reasons why not to transition. But if you are truly TS, then you will have no choice but to transition. The variables will be timing, denial and acceptance of the condition and how well you can mitigate the GD. There will come a time when the only way to mitigate that inner calling is to transition. Identity is ingrained in our core. Like trying to hold down a beach ball underwater. It can only be held down so long until it breaks free and rises to the surface.

Transition itself has levels and those that do leap will find the level that they feel comfortable. Timetables are also variable due to medical, and financial considerations.

Melissa mentioned freedom and just the declaration that you are transitioning is liberating. But transition will eliminate only the GD. The other stressors in life will still be there and need to be dealt with.

If one can take the steps necessary to improve the quality of their life without needing to socially live as a female 24/7. That is terrific. But for many of us the only way to improve our quality of life is to socially transition and live out lives as women.

[PaulaQ]

It's not heretical in my view. In fact I welcome the success stories, but they must be HONEST. I know trans girls (personally) that are doing okay after transition. And I know some that are not. I don't know anyone who hasn't had to deal with significant issues though. Now, either I'm a magnet for hard cases or gender transition is a rough road.

I know people who really haven't lost anything. It's highly unpredictable though. I think the difference between our attitudes is nuance. Transition, and life as trans is a cruel condition. For many of us, it's a medical condition requiring treatment. However, unless you are incredibly lucky and live in certain locations, there will be no medical help available for you, and indeed doctors may well laugh in your face, and watch you die. (Not exaggerating here.)

So here's the dilemma we face:
1. Do you seek treatment and risk often terrible social consequences? You may well be murdered because you seek treatment.
2. Do you try to hold fast, especially if you aren't yet completely miserable, and hope you aren't one of the people this condition kills.

No one can predict which of these awful choices will work out the best.

I lean towards recommending choice 1, because I know what the worst case feels like. People tell me I'm courageous, but I'm not, I was simply so miserable that part of me has hoped death would take me - I simply didn't care whether or not I lived or died. No one should live like that.

You choose to recommend 2, because your experience, and many others is like that, and the fact is, having support, resources, and a plan makes a person a hell of a lot more likely to succeed.

Both of these are horrible choices, and with either you take horrible chances that no one should have to take. It is unpredictable which of these choices will be the best for any person. Indeed, some of us will die whichever choice we make.

That's why I always tell people to listen to our stories, especially in person. Anyone who relates to my experience may as well prepare as best they can and roll the dice - because you'll likely die regardless. If you relate more to Badtranny's, you sure as hell better listen to her because she knows what she's talking about.

The fun part? You won't know for several years which choice was the right one, or if either would even make a difference.

[LeaP]

Getting back to the question in the OP, I think the advice to not transition unless you have to holds in all circumstances, regardless of the relative acceptance of the current era. As it relates to young people – certainly to the late teens/early 20s, these are often quite certain about who and what they are as well as what they have to do. Those who are older and have buried their issues, or those who are uncertain for any reason, are not going to transition unless they have to anyway. Or if they socially transition, it is highly unlikely they will take it further than that without REALLY feeling the need.

I think Cheryl's CD transitioning concern is a red herring. Acceptance might allow them more opportunities to go out comfortably. If anything, that should reduce any internal pressure they might have from being over-closeted.

[Starling]

I have great respect for you, Michele. I pay attention when you have something to say. You took a big chance, but you were smart about it, and you prospered. And many do. It's one thing, however, to begin transition at fifty; try adding twenty years to that. At fifty, I still had a lot of youth left. Now, at least physically speaking, it's all in the rear view mirror. The root of my problem is that I didn't really know what I was until I came here. I know it's hard to believe one can live decade after decade with an undercurrent of misery, without knowing why. But to be completely honest, I thought it was all about crossdressing ad absurdum, and I had been in and out of closet CDing since childhood. Each time I thought this time too, it would pass.

If I'd had real information earlier, the pieces might have fallen into place for me when I was younger. But mine was a solitary consciousness, full of loneliness and shame, and bereft of hope. Jorja was pretty much alone out there when she transitioned. In addition to being a super-strong person, she must have known in her bones that she was a woman.

I've posted ad nauseam in here about my situation, so I'm not going to recapitulate it now. But with all the resources at our disposal at present, and with social attitudes evolving as they are, you've got to figure this s*** out early and act as decisively as you can, before you make too many choices that will create extra conflict and difficulty. The vision that plagues me is of myself as a young woman with my whole life ahead of me. If I'd only known.

I may ultimately be able to pull this off, but it's a hell of a lot harder when you're old.

Lallie

[LeaP]

... i think fighting for those 5 years was what it took for me to have the confidence and internal fortitude to keep going when it seemed really bad ... if i didnt "have to", i have no idea if i could have gone on...

+10

I have been trying to figure out why this is getting easier. I'm out and in planning at work. Out at home. Able to discuss the most serious aspects of transition, whether financial risk, personal and marital impacts, surgeries, etc. any one of which would have sent my anxiety through the stratosphere at the slightest touch, not to mention triggering a subsequent fight or meltdown.

It is easier because it was really, really bad for a long time. I would not have been able to do this two years ago. I am certain of that.

[Jorja]

I have been pretty much trying to stay out of this conversation. You young girls need to talk among your selves and figure it out for yourselves sometimes. By young, I do not mean chronological age. Most here are at most 5 or 6 years post GRS or just starting transition, or someplace in between. I have been a woman longer than I was a male.

Super strong? I don't know about that. You are right, I knew in my bones that I was a woman. I knew with every fiber of my being. They say God doesn't make mistakes. I call BS! He sure screwed this one up.

I had a couple of transwomen who guided me along and helped me deal with it. As far as making life a success, all I can say is I was born to succeed. I want everyone to understand, I got crapped on just like anyone else who goes through transition. I had the very same social, mental, and physical problems that are talked about right here in this forum everyday. I was determined to not let any of that hold me back. That is just me. Give me a challenge and tell me I can't. You are in for a big surprise.

I was young (22-24) when I transitioned. I would have transitioned at 3 or 4 if that was possible. It made a huge difference how people related to and dealt with me. I can not imagine transitioning at 40,50 or 60+. That must be as frighting as hell. I was also at a place in my life with little meaningful background, no spouse, children but barred (court order) from seeing them until they were 18, and no job seeing as how I was fired after coming out. I didn't have lifetime of accomplishments behind me. As it worked out, I was in the perfect place at the right time, if that makes any sense.

[Suzanne F]

This is the best thread that I have read. Most posts had valid points. Yes I hope younger people don't hide like I did for most of their lives. Greater acceptance may allow more expression which may help to better determine who should transition. Gender fluidity may be a viable option for some and provide a better solution than transitioning. The point is that transparency may help. However, I still believe transition should be very carefully weighed.

I agree with Melissa, the freedom is worth the cost. I am so far one of the fortunate ones. I still have my wife and children. Many of my friends are supportive and everyone as far as friends and family knows. Yes there have been some losses and there will be more. Yes I have felt the scorn and humiliation of some. However, I have found a strength in me that I didn't know I had. That discovery in itself is worth the journey. I love the woman I have finally acknowledged in myself. I apologize to no one for being me.

Finally, no I have not faced the work issue yet. I sometimes feel less than because of that fact. I am lucky to rarely have to appear at the plant as I am an account manager and work from home most of the time. I have a careful plan of how and when I am coming out. I have chosen this plan to protect my families finances as I continue HRT and prepare for surgery next May. The final storm is coming. Yesterday was one of those days I had to make an appearance at a meeting. I shuddered at one point knowing what lies ahead of me. No I would not make light of what transitioning risks!

Suzanne

[LeaP]

Never feel less, Suzanne. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that every last path has its critics. Trans critics. I have mine, some right here. The only thing that matters in the end is what you do. Not when or in what order or why.

[Starling]

Kaitlyn, I don't know why after all these years I called you Michele. But that's just one of a million things I don't know.

Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

a million ???
that makes it about 10000000000 things we don't know between the two of us

[PretzelGirl]

Kaitlyn, I don't know why after all these years I called you Michele. But that's just one of a million things I don't know.

Transition lesson thought. To me this could be the same mechanism that causes someone who knows us well to pop off with the wrong name. If not done maliciously, I always concede an "It's okay, but it is really bothersome so I would appreciate it not happening again". I have done it myself more with the less often used phrasing like calling myself my wife's husband, luckily to a friend who died laughing. And I did the same thing... "where is the F did that come from".

Like some, I am still integrated in the local trans* community. I see a variety of positive and negative transitions. It is a crap shoot and I hope (pray) that the familiarity and education that is slowly getting out there along with the impact of our young trans* individuals makes positive impacts to everyone's acceptance.

Interesting comment on Cheryl's transition, but shouldn't have comment. I have a friend that when I met her, presented more female but identified genderqueer. Two months ago we had a long talk (she may have had talks with others) about her feeling like she stopped too soon. Shortly after she announced her transition. He is now male presenting, male identifying and is ripping through transition gaining great support. He is certainly giving me smiles.

[Sara Jessica]

I was really enjoying the points of view throughout this thread until I came across the golden rule...

You can talk all you want about choices and reasons why not to transition. But if you are truly TS, then you will have no choice but to transition.

Because we all know the measure of one who is truly TS is to have no choice but to transition.

Sigh.

[MonicaJean]

I transitioned because I had to. Trying to hold back a full-bore transition was like attempting to hold back a freight train traveling at only 0.25 miles per hour. I tried but no matter how much strength I had, I could not do it...and it took everything out of me in the process. I gave in and that's when I found more self-acceptance and more inner peace. That was about 4 months into it...attempting to stay in the middle of the road was emotionally painful and taxing. I had found myself with a one-way trip to the other side.

Took me a while to wrap my mind around that, but once I did, I could smile again knowing this path was indeed the proper path.

And yes, I risked everything even mentioning the phrase "I am transgender" to the spouse. And I'm in process of losing a good portion of it.

I have yet to find many choices in just being. It's all or nothing, one-way journey to being.

Younger folks these days don't have it any easier, a transition is still terribly difficult, but they can find more fluidity in things generally. And the internet helps research it all...a tool we never had way back in the day. All I remember was Lady Like magazine.

[Zooey]

There's always a choice - the question is whether or not the choice to NOT transition is an acceptable one to the individual. I, at least heretofore, have been fortunate enough to never have been in a suicidal place. I never thought I was unhappy, until I discovered what being truly happy actually felt like. While I could probably have limped along for a few more years, having discovered myself I refuse to waste any more time living a life that's INFINITELY more convenient but ultimately entirely devoid of real joy. In retrospect, I don't think I ever really felt alive before, and I'd much rather endure some pain in exchange for some joy than continue just sliding through life never really caring that much about anything.

"Only transition if you have to" is perfectly good advice, and I would of course say the same to anybody who asked, but I think people need to remember that the definition of "have to" is ultimately a personal one. For those who disagree with saying that to people, I guess I would suggest that if somebody's resolve is flimsy enough to be shut down by the mere suggestion that someone else doesn't like or approve of their definition, then they don't really believe they have to and probably shouldn't, or at the very least aren't ready to commit to the choice.

[LaSirenaBella]

I was told in my early 30s and then in my late 30s, by two different friends, that if I could tolerate even one moment (or day, I don't remember) as a man, then hold off on transition.

I took that advice to heart.

I fight hard to not let the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" from getting in my head. At this point in my life (late 40s), my dysphoria is randomly intense, or rather triggered much of the time for various reasons. I've witnessed successful transitions, I've experienced train wrecks, I've been witness to friends committing suicide.

Transition for me would be extremely disruptive in all aspects of my life, including a strong marriage. My wife does not deserve the heartbreak, especially considering how good she is with me-as-Sirena now compared to earlier in our relationship.

I live with a dual-role presentation. It works for me at this time at this point in my life. The sting of my dysphoria can be managed well enough. I think.

I that I'm not equipped at any level to make a transition, medical and/or surgical. Still, I fear becoming an old man, but what I fear even more is dying a lonely old woman.

[Eringirl]

I agree with many posts here. I think the notion of "don't transition unless you have to is still valid". I discovered and was diagnosed as TS 17 years ago. But I decided not to transition at that time. I wasn't mentally ready. I wasn't financially ready. Society wasn't ready (that isn't to say that society is ready now, but sure is a lot better than it was 17 years ago, at least in my world). My children, who were very young at the time, were not ready. The amount of resources and valid information was not as available as it is now. And, I did have the strength to fight it of. Now, that is no longer the case. I don't have the strength. The alternative to transitioning was not pretty, and was final. But now, I am ready. So it is my time. Which is a good thing, because I have to. This is not really a choice...it is an imperative.

having said all of that, I can't imagine doing all this if I didn't have to.....But that is just me.....

[DebbieL]

Diane brought up something in the CD section about how younger people today are more likely to transition because of greater acceptance and awareness of trans issues. Most who are TS and are or have transitioned caution that transition should only be done if one feels they "have to"

Many of us know we are girls before we find out that they don't have a penis. By the time I was 2 years old, I was making dresses out of dry cleaner bags, making skirts out of towels or pillow cases. I liked bright colors, fringe, and I wanted to be "pretty". Back in those days (late 1950s) they thought it was "just a phase".

In coming to a point in ones life where one has to, by that time, typically, and I have read several people here describe hitting such horrible low points in life. contemplating or attempting suicide, crippling depression, substance abuse, failed marriages, jobs etc etc...

In elementary school I was forced to play with the boys it in the field, where I was physically assaulted every day. They did it because I was a "Sissy" - a "girly". They were right. I couldn't help it. Everything I did wreaked of feminine.

When I was told about puberty by my father. I was horrified to find out that I had no choice. When my testes dropped, I did my best to castrate myself without bleeding to death. Boiling water, a dozen rubber bands to strangle them, and even a hammer and a 2x4. I'm not the first, or the last, do take similar actions. Many transgender boys injure themselves in "accidental" injuries.

When I was told my voice changed, that I was a bass, I became suicidal. I became a drug addict, alcoholic, and pretty much hated everyone and everything. I would often start fights that I couldn't possibly win, with my smart mouth. Suicide by biker, suicide by redneck, suicide by cowboy, all attempted. I tried to overdose dozens of times, and tried to strangle myself or asphyxiate myself a few dozen times as well. I tried walking out in front of cars, but either they would swerve around me or I would back-out at the last second.

Keep in mind that I didn't want to die. I wanted to be reincarnated as a girl.

As a result of the research done in the last 10 years, we now know that there are a LOT of transgender people and that as much as 45% have tried to commit suicide at least once before they were 25. Furthermore, a little data mining shows that those who don't have family support for their true selves pushes the rate even higher, to more than half. The more the intense the desire to be a girl, the higher the risk of suicide.

Until about 30 years ago, psychiatrists considered gender dysphoria a delusion, a psychosis, and those who had the courage to request help were the most severe, so the suicide rate was crazy high.

Many here regret those dark years and think, if only they had come to grips with it all and not fought themselves, they would have saved many years where life was anything but pleasant.

When I transitioned, someone asked me "any regrets?". My only regret was that I couldn't have transitioned 50 years ago. It wasn't possible. Had doctors know then, they would have fried my brain, maybe even lobotomized me.

I myself fought my own femininity for nearly 30 years. I do not consider transition for 2 reasons. 1st, It would all but destroy 30 plus years worth of adult life that I have built, and second, because while frustrating at times, my life as a male is bearable. I don't have to.

I always knew what I really was, but I was terrified to let anyone find out again. At first I tried to act straight, but failed at that, so I hung out with the gay boys in school, since everyone thought I was gay because :I was so feminine, I fit in easily. Later, when I got married, I realized that Rex was asexual and that Debbie was bisexual. I pretended to be a cross-dresser so that she could have access to Debbie for sex. It worked until she rejected Debbie, then the relationship became very platonic for a few years.

I cannot honestly say what would have happened 30 years ago if I had begun to accept my own femininity. I really do not know if I would have transitioned or not. I do find certain times of my life as a male to be bearable and even enjoyable. I do know that things would be a lot different though, as I would not have hid myself, limited my CDing and likely would have directed my life in ways where CDing, and the people around me (circle of friends) would not have a big issue with it.

30 years ago, it would have depended on your state. I started to transition 30 years ago in Colorado Springs. I had no legal right. My employer did their best to force me to resign, even as I won 3 awards for outstanding achievement. I was almost arrested for using the men's room. A police officer detained me for almost an hour while he checked every department of government he could think of to see if I was a prostitute. All this because a suitcase had knocked my tail-light out of the mount. My ex only had to tell a social worker at her church that I was a transsexual and she was all too willing to write a carefully worded letter that would have revoked my parental rights, including visitation, while still requiring me to pay full child support and day care to my ex and her new husband, both of whom were on disability after they met in the lock-up unit of a psych ward. Being a transsexual (transgender was rarely used back then), was considered worse than being bipolar and a danger to your own children.

I am wondering that perhaps, the do not transition if you don't have to is no longer the best advice? However, I also wonder and perhaps worry that people who are somewhere strongly on the TG scale, may think they should transition and then later regret it. It appears to me that by the time someone transitions, they typically do not regret it. Only the amount of time spent fighting themselves before they did.

WPATH guidelines are designed to help both the treatment team and the client to properly assess where they are at a give time, and where they are most likely to go. When possible, it's best to try and structure your life so that you can be successful after you transition. A supportive family helps a LOT, having a job that does not require that you stay in your current gender helps (not a hod carrier or infantry combat soldier), and if you are married, it's better if your partner will stick with you through transition and support you.

There are CDs who are transsexual even though they try to limit their femininity to dressing. They try to keep the risk at minimum, and try keep their secret for years, even decades. The whole time there is a pretty girl screaming to get out and play with the rest of the girls.

Therapists have be able to distinguish trans-girls like these from people who want to be girls, but not all the time, don't want to give up the perks of being a boy, and don't want to transition permanently.

[LeaP]

Because we all know the measure of one who is truly TS is to have no choice but to transition.

It's certainly convincing, SJ.

Not every TS will transition, but those who don't will suffer for it. I guess if you're going to suffer anyway, it may as well be in the hope of something better than the misery you know you already have.

[Badtranny]

Because we all know the measure of one who is truly TS is to have no choice but to transition..

I understand your point, but is it EVER appropriate to make a distinction?

I mean, one can identify as Transgender and be anything from gender queer to fully transitioned, but can one really be 'transsexual' without some kind of transition? If we meet professionally, and we exchange business cards, one of us is going to have a male name on it. Which is fine, but which one of us is transsexual?

When does a transition mean anything? You may think that you and I are the same, and maybe we are in many ways, but I have had to watch a 20 year career do a slow motion crumble around me. I don't really have any 'old' friends anymore.

My life has been completely disrupted by my transition. So how does the term transsexual apply to both of us? We're all under the TG umbrella, but if we're both TS, then what's the difference?

[stefan37]

I absolutely believe that to be transsexual is to socially transition and live 24/7 as the opposite of your birth gender. Is it just that cool to be transsexual? There are many posts on this forum where labels are argued about and debated. I would have loved to be just a male identified crossdressed. Or a gender fluid individual living in the middle expressing that identity I felt that particular day. But my inner core identity wouldn't allow that. I had to transition to live 24/7 as a woman. Yeah you could say I had a choice. I could have just continued with the Xanax, alcohol and other mitigating methods to allow me to live an uncomfortable life going out of my mind. Hell I wish I could have continued to function in life as a gender fluid individual as I had done for so many years. Had I done that I would still be married. And I really envy those that can suppress that inner urge to allow their core identity suppressed. Or the intensity is easily satisfied by some mild form of expression.

But that wasn't the case. I had to transition. I had to allow "she to emerge". To live as a woman 24/7. If any one can reach the point where they can live comfortably and have a good quality of life. While still living, interacting, keeping their birth name. That is terrific. But why in the world would you want to say your transsexual?

I also want to make clear that it has absolutely nothing to do with genitals. I know plenty of transwomen that for personal,medical or financial reasons didn't have SRS. But all of them have shed their male identity and live as woman 24/7.

[Michelle.M]

I think there’s a certain amount of tragic one-upsmanship that goes on in the trans world. In some circles, the mark of authenticity is the degree to which one suffers for their right to live in another gender. Those whose transitions were successful, who experience happiness with few, if any, negative consequences, those who have passing privilege, satisfying relationships and acceptance from others are regarded as suspect, and often are accused of being dishonest about their transition.

More than anywhere else, among trans women (trans men hardly ever do this), there exists the notion that “if it’s not true for me then it’s not true for anyone.”

As with everything we experience in life, one’s experience is unique and different from all others. Some of us felt compelled to transition because the alternative was unbearable, and for others it was simply the logical decision as the arc of their lives eventually brought them to a clearer view of their own gender identity.

all don't transition unless you "have to" means is that its a serious thing and flirting around with the idea as a lifestyle choice is idiotic and not productive...

This.

Don’t transition unless you have to? Well, of course not! It’s not a game, and the effects are profound. But for me, transition was the smartest decision I ever made. Every single thing in my life is better than before, and the only 2 things I have lost are male privilege and the ability to stand when I pee.

Losing male privilege is, I think, the adjustment that hits trans women the hardest and makes post transition life seem so difficult. I’ve learned how to deal with that, and I don’t miss it much.

[Sara Jessica]

You may think that you and I are the same, and maybe we are in many ways...

I really like your reply Melissa.

I think everyone could agree that a journey is at the heart of being transsexual and in that respect, you and I (and everyone here of similar mind & heart) have shared some of the same points in the journey. There is a commonality in experience, whether at an early age or how we coped through adolescence to when we had that a-ha moment to how we cope as adults. Then at some point along the path we diverged.

Historically speaking, there used to be two basic words in the public lexicon to describe the GID we experience(d), transvestite or transsexual. Is this thing of ours what we do or who we are? Given that I grew up with only knowing those two terms of art, and knowing myself honestly without a fabricated narrative, I identify as the latter.

Later, the term transgender came into vogue and yes, that adds another element of description which is probably an easier slot to put me into. But it doesn't undo a lifetime of learning and understanding where I fit within this wonderful world of ours, and within this diverse community of ours.

Or not.

Thing is, those of you who have transitioned along with those in that process are women to me. You have transcended the TS label which is kind of where I see the distinction regardless of whether society will ever allow you shed that label. Because I am one of those of us who possess different coping mechanisms that mercifully allows me to stave off transition makes it hard to truly fit in anywhere. And that is OK. I just felt a need to call out the black & white statement-as-fact within this community of gray that we reside in. The statement reeked of the one-upmanship that Michelle describes. I feel we are as similar as we are different, as together, yet apart in certain life experiences, yet hold to a commonality that in my mind is unbreakable.

Bringing it full circle, I am not transitioning because I don't have to. Some of you may add the word "yet" to that last sentence. I acknowledge that may prove to be true. Time will tell.

It's certainly convincing, SJ.

Not every TS will transition, but those who don't will suffer for it. I guess if you're going to suffer anyway, it may as well be in the hope of something better than the misery you know you already have.

I disagree with the notion of trading one set of issues for another. Yes, I suffer. I suffer daily. Being somewhat risk-averse by nature, I'm not entertaining a gambit where I perceive the odds of a positive outcome to be less than favorable.

I was told in my early 30s and then in my late 30s, by two different friends, that if I could tolerate even one moment (or day, I don't remember) as a man, then hold off on transition.

I took that advice to heart.

I fight hard to not let the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" from getting in my head. At this point in my life (late 40s), my dysphoria is randomly intense, or rather triggered much of the time for various reasons. I've witnessed successful transitions, I've experienced train wrecks, I've been witness to friends committing suicide.

Transition for me would be extremely disruptive in all aspects of my life, including a strong marriage. My wife does not deserve the heartbreak, especially considering how good she is with me-as-Sirena now compared to earlier in our relationship.

I live with a dual-role presentation. It works for me at this time at this point in my life. The sting of my dysphoria can be managed well enough. I think.

I that I'm not equipped at any level to make a transition, medical and/or surgical. Still, I fear becoming an old man, but what I fear even more is dying a lonely old woman.

I'm not sure I have ever read a passage written by another that fit so well that it could have been written by me. Thank you for your eloquence.

I have received the same exact advice on holding off transition, and continue to hear it to this day from the same friend. I have only lost one dear friend to suicide but her words the last time we spoke haunt me to this day, giving me strength to stay on this path of dysphoria management.

There are moments when I feel I cannot carry on with this path but those are fewer and further between ever since I made a "commitment" to stave off transition. I don't use someday as a crutch any longer.

Many of us are in the exact same boat. We don't transition because we don't have to. And as I have always said, that is OK too.

[Marleena]

Not every TS will transition, but those who don't will suffer for it. I guess if you're going to suffer anyway, it may as well be in the hope of something better than the misery you know you already have.

That pretty much sums it up Lea.

I find it interesting that we have some gender therapists in our midst defining who is or isn't TS.

I envy all of the postop ladies that made it through transition and are living genuine lives. If I had to choose a mentor here though it would be Kaitlyn since she struggled as a late transitioner and I can relate to her struggles since they are much like my own. She has managed to get through the "minefield" and is living a genuine life as a woman now.

[LeaP]

I disagree with the notion of trading one set of issues for another. Yes, I suffer. I suffer daily. Being somewhat risk-averse by nature, I'm not entertaining a gambit where I perceive the odds of a positive outcome to be less than favorable.

My remark was really a response to Steph. It is plain fact that not all cross-sex identified people transition. I'm referring specifically to those with serious, deep, lifelong GD. (Forget the TG's, CD's, genderqueer, etc.) Some kill themselves instead. The rest suffer. I didn't have the weighing of alternatives or the trading of issues in mind at all. Rather, that some simply don't or can't.