Transition because you have to?

[stefan37]

I didn't make my comment to infer some kind of superiority. Hey if one can live a quality life without having to transition. Great. But if you want to live your life as male or partially as male. Why would you consider yourself transsexual. I really don't care how anybody identifies or what labels they want to use to categorize themselves. What is black and white is that those of us that are or have transitioned to living 24/7 will have completely different experiences than somebody living as a male or in the middle. Regardless of whether you are taking hormones or not.

I have a lifetime of experience as a closeted crossdressed. Living openly in the middle on a daily basis. None of those experiences compare to transitioning and living 24/7. It has nothing to do with one upnanship or I am more Trans than anybody else. While we may have common history's , It's our experiences living 24/7 that are different.

[Marleena]

Back to the original question...

Yes you should transition, absolutely, if you have to! I'm assuming this is meant for people that have seen a gender therapist, been diagnosed as TS, etc. and being helped along with it (transition).

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I live with a dual-role presentation. It works for me at this time at this point in my life. The sting of my dysphoria can be managed well enough. I think.

I that I'm not equipped at any level to make a transition, medical and/or surgical. Still, I fear becoming an old man, but what I fear even more is dying a lonely old woman.

i felt exactly like this until i didnt...

i got to a point where i feared lying in my final bed and regretting i ever lived, the emptiness i felt was so profound that i couldnt bear it...as i considered how i felt at the time...i considered all the data of others..i couldnt get my demise out of my head... life meant literally nothing.....anyone that cared enough to support me as him was helping a nothing...i was nothing but a made up pretend person, worthy of nothing..i welcomed any end to it but
i wanted to live so i lived...

if i die a lonely old woman ( i won't..i have wonderful kids), i'd be lonely but i would know and FEEL that i lived a meaningful life..

...if i died a man surrounded by love and the comfort of $$ and others, i would feel my life meant less than nothing...i felt i existed to be female...
it would feel like never once in my life did i actually exist outside of a trap laid by the world for me

Kafka has nothing on me..

[becky77]

I've always thought of myself as reasonably logical, but Transition trampled over my reason. I was driven to do it, I had to do it.
No disrespect to anyone 'controlling' it, but I just can't relate.
Once I knew for sure, the door was open and despite all sensible reasons not to I continued.

I just can't understand how someone can compare to my experience, when they haven't gone for broke and risked all to be themselves.

My relationship was very good, my job sound and life was to some almost enviable.
To me it was empty and hollow and every day was bitter, I have a long way to go still, the GD is under control but I still have much psychological damage to deal with.

It's tough and for me it's been pretty successful but I'm so glad I won't see the next decade in with regret.
I did it, but it was a very big deal.

For the rest of my days people may point and laugh at me as a Tranny, being considered a Lesbian is no big deal. It's laughable.

[Kimberly Kael]

I would love to hear more from you Kimberly because at the very least, I know you're real. (we have mutual friends) You have to admit that much of what passes for 'successful transitions' around here does kind of smell funny.

Most life stories tend to have at least some embellishment attached. Read any bio or attend a high school reunion and it's immediately evident, but normally it just amounts to a little harmless self-promotion. Here it is actively dangerous to mislead people on what is realistic so I understand and respect a degree of caution. Especially given the "on the Internet nobody knows you're a dog" aspect. The whole cloth invention cases can and should be called out when they become obvious.

I know I'm not here as regularly as I'd like but I'll try to keep an eye on this thread and would be happy to talk about any aspect that's particularly unusual in your eyes. I do think there was value in my seeing that it was likely I'd eventually feel I had no other choice and making a conscious decision to act before I had to. In part it meant that I could be more rational about it than I might be otherwise. I could take a slower pace, which helped my marriage immeasurably compared to some I have seen disintegrate when the gender dam finally burst and a six-month surgeries included transition ensued.

I should also acknowledge that I started from a point of significant privilege. I had a reasonable genetic draw as a starting point. My wife knew I had a strong feminine inclination before we married and managed to remain supportive despite the challenges we went through as a couple. My career is in a field where people have historically had success transitioning. I have good social skills and I'm a relatively gifted communicator which helped when it came time to get the message out. Last but certainly not least I had a solid economic foundation. I'm not earning at the same level I once did, but I'm in no position to complain.

None of that means it was easy, just that I had the right tools to navigate the minefield with a cautious, methodical approach once I convinced myself I wasn't entirely insane.

[Marcelle]

Hi GM,

I am somewhat reticent to post on this part of the forum because I am not TS and my experiences are completely different from those who have or are transitioning. So if any take offence, it is not meant that way but to be honest, given my personal circumstances, I really don't know where I fit anymore on this broad spectrum. Someone once used the term "tranny grenade" and given my current work environment, it seemed apropos to utilize that phrase to describe my own understanding of "to transition or not". I describe myself as "gender fluid" in the sense that some days I identify as a man and others I identify as a woman. On the days I identify as a woman (and these can stretch into several - currently so), I live the entire day as a woman including going to work, doing everyday things and in the evening with my wife (have been doing so for the last 3 days). So in a way I have the "tranny grenade" in my hand to some extent have pulled the pin. Funny thing about grenades though, until you release the lever, it won't arm so I have a firm grasp on the lever waiting to throw.

I will admit there are days where the necessity to present as a woman is so strong that to not do so would leave me emotionally crippled but then again there are days where the thought of presenting as a woman holds not compulsion whatsoever. I don't mix dress and I am either man or woman but never a mixture of both (presentation wise as I am the same person irrespective of how I am dressed). Will I ever transition? To be honest, I can't say I will or will not. I do know that I have no issues with any of my male physiology (with the exception of facial and body hair) and I do like my guy side and am not quite ready to bury him.

So as to the OPs question, to transition or not. IMHO I think each person will know when they have to transition as it will be unbearable to not do so and live life as you need to. As for me . . . back to the grenade analogy . . . funny thing about levers, you can pull the pin and hold the lever down but on those rare occasions, you could accidently trip the charge and even holding the lever down will not prevent the grenade from going off. So I guess I am in a hold pattern . . . still waiting to throw or not.


Cheers

Isha

[becky77]

I describe myself as "gender fluid" in the sense that some days I identify as a man and others I identify as a woman. On the days I identify as a woman (and these can stretch into several - currently so), I live the entire day as a woman including going to work, doing everyday things and in the evening with my wife (have been doing so for the last 3 days).

How do work colleagues deal with you one day as a man another as a woman?

[stefan37]

Isha can answer that. But from my experience I would say confusing. That said given time it will end in anon-issue. To do what Isha if doing takes a willingness to own what you're doing. Make no excuses. This is who I am. I give her a lot of credit.

Isha if you can make it through life, clutching that lever. More power to you. It's difficult to do what what you are doing and keep it together. I know. I did it for 3 years. Those I worked with thought I was a little off. And it became very confusing to those close to me. I hope you go through the rest of your life without needing to transition. But if you do approach it with the same conviction you are using to live in the middle and you'll come out of it ok.

[PretzelGirl]

As with everything we experience in life, one’s experience is unique and different from all others. Some of us felt compelled to transition because the alternative was unbearable, and for others it was simply the logical decision as the arc of their lives eventually brought them to a clearer view of their own gender identity.

Thank you Michelle. I don't think I had been able to put it in the best terms before, but my transition was within the arc of my life. Hiding, self-discovery, assessment, transition. No letting go of the grenade that Isha refers to but a somewhat even flow with a single moment where a blood test had me make the final call.

I like to always use inclusive language. Exclusion causes more stress and more difficulties for all and also makes it harder to present stories that are understandable to the general public that is sometimes trying to be educated. One thing I like to say is that we all have our own trans identity and our own trans story. So everyone is not comparable to next person. Similar elements, maybe. But not the same.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you live according to your nature...whether bigender, cd, tg, ts, orwhatever....the gender dysphoria will go away completely..

if you don't, it won't.

the further away from your nature you live, the worse your discomfort... transsexuals that live as men are the extreme...and they take the most extreme measures...

if you are transsexual and you don't take extreme measures, it doesnt mean you aren't transsexual, it means you suffer...and unfortunately the overwhelming anecdotal evidence is it only gets worse and results in a poor quality of life...i just ran into another gal yesterday...63 years old...i met her 25 years ago it turns out at a renaissance meeting and she told me among other things when her marriage broke up 3 years ago it was because she couldnt stand the lying anymore....this is just an all too common stark reality for too many people..

If Isha is not transsexual, and she is gender fluid, and she lives as a gender fluid person, then i'd expect her discomfort to go away and whatever issues she deals with (confusion, looks,etc) are just part of her going forward with her best strategy for her best quality of life..its a best case scenario for her, just like its a best case scenario for a transsexual to transition successfully..

[Nigella]

This is an interesting thread and has had some thought provoking posts

One point that some members seem to get confused on is Transexual = Transition, this is simply not true. This fact is born out by those "late" transitioners, those who have begun to cross the divide between birth gender and "known" gender later on in life. They have always been transexual and that is more often than not confirmed when therapy is undertaken.

If the belief that Transexual = Transition were true, there simply would be no late transitioners. I was able to live a life as a man for the majority of my life, without the hinderance of GD rearing its ugly head and dampening my parade.

What the catalyst was for GD to smack me in the face was, I don't know, but once it did, then I HAD to transition, my previous coping mechanisms failed to control my rising anxieties. During my councelling sessions, it was highlighted that I had been Transexual all my life, the clues were there, I was a typical "primary" transexual as was described by my psychiatrist, if they agreed that transition, with all its changes was progressed, I would not feel the need to "revert" to my birth gender.

For those that can live a dual gender life and identify as transexual, my hat is off to you, your coping mechanisms must be strong, just don't be surprised if, by chance, you wake up one morning and realise, YOU HAVE TO TRANSITION.

[Brooklyn]

Our sex-obsessed culture places a lot of value on being young, especially for women, but transition turns your life upside down at any age. Many of the younger trans-women I’ve met have been disowned, homeless, assaulted, and often wind up with substance abuse issues. They have also risked their entire adulthood - not just half of it. So I must respect that - even though the internet was not around for me in the 1980’s.

Also, hopefully everyone browsing here knows, but it is critical not to confuse an attraction to (young) women with the need to transition. The transsexuals I know are not a club of former CDers. I sometimes wonder how many people in this forum have friends who are trans-men, for example? Every time I read “If only I was 20...”, it just strikes me that kind of statement has a lot to do with wanting to be prime reproductive age again, and less to do with being your authentic self, unless you’re talking about some hair loss and wrinkles.

During my councelling sessions, it was highlighted that I had been Transexual all my life, the clues were there, I was a typical "primary" transexual as was described by my psychiatrist, if they agreed that transition, with all its changes was progressed, I would not feel the need to "revert" to my birth gender.

Whoa… Is there a fundamental difference between “primary” (early) transexuals and late transitioners, who I assume are “secondary"? Or is that just what your doctors think? Sorry to touch the third rail here...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i agree ashley..."if only....." is a common statement that needs a big grain of salt...its so easy to type a message about wishes...

[Nigella]

Ashley

The word primary was used to describe my state of TS, as I said they were sure that I would not want to "detransition". Obviously they never discussed other transsexuals in their care, therefore it was aimed at me and me alone. I think you may have got hold of the wrong end on this one.

[Badtranny]

I am somewhat reticent to post on this part of the forum because I am not TS and my experiences are completely different from those who have or are transitioning. So if any take offence, it is not meant that way but to be honest, given my personal circumstances, I really don't know where I fit anymore on this broad spectrum.

It's soooo funny to me that of all the people who openly admit they aren't transitioning, YOU are the most respectful of us, AND one of the very few self identified "middle pathers" that are 100% out of the closet. You can't live a more authentic life than you are, and I think that's all us bitchy TS queens really care about anyway. There should be no closets in the TS section.

It's my own fault that I'm apparently misunderstood, but I just want people to be real here that's all.

Someone once used the term "tranny grenade"

That someone was me, and the proper use of the term is Tranny Grenade(tm)

lol ;-)

[Marcelle]

How do work colleagues deal with you one day as a man another as a woman?

Hi Becky,

This was my first full week working in a military environment as a woman although I did spend one day as a male (first day) as I had to get a building pass with me as a man (I already have my building pass with me as a woman). Prior to starting work, there was an education briefing for the building and particularly my section so people knew and discussion was centered on how to act around me (normally was the over-riding message) and how to address me. As a senior officer that was an issue as many may struggle with "Ma'am vice Sir" so I indicated that Major G or just Major would be fine and if they knew me personally Marcelle vice Marcel (luckily my name works in both genders just different spelling). The last four days was a bit surreal and some people struggled (no eye contact, visible discomfort) but for the most part that is starting to dissipate - as Stefan indicated it is becoming a non-issue as more people get used to it . . . still a long road but people have become consistent with Ma'am or Madame (French folks - not madame as in night ).

Isha if you can make it through life, clutching that lever. More power to you. It's difficult to do what what you are doing and keep it together. I know. I did it for 3 years. Those I worked with thought I was a little off. And it became very confusing to those close to me. I hope you go through the rest of your life without needing to transition. But if you do approach it with the same conviction you are using to live in the middle and you'll come out of it ok.

It can be a difficult ride at times for sure and while the lever is firmly grasped, there is part of me wondering if I didn't manage to trip the fuse and it is slowly burning. I guess only time will tell.

. . . That someone was me, and the proper use of the term is Tranny Grenade(tm) lol ;-)

LOL Melissa . . . my wife being an intellectual properties agent you think I would not have missed the (tm) . . . so to correct . . . Tranny Grenade(tm)

Cheers

Isha

[Tina_gm]

Thank you all very much for your responses. As I see it from what has been said, if you don't need to, or have to, is still good advice, at least for people like me who are approaching mid life. I am not contemplating transition, but I do wonder if I was 20 at this time, felt as I do now and did not have any life commitment and decided to be completely open or authentic as is often said, what I would do.

I don't know that I would. I don't have total mind and body GD. I seem to be more envious of women, rather than an intense dislike of myself. Especially when it comes to the anatomy. I don't hate the parts. In fact I enjoy their function. So, for me HRT is also off the table. It's just not enough for me to give up. So, I don't need to, or have to.

The question is not so much for myself, now but of those who are younger and in today's world. Does someone need to walk through such a difficult road in life, subject themselves to so much pain and anquish? Will it be perhaps that those today will be able to live a better quality of life? Transition or not, today, or hopefully in the near future people can live a better life, a more authentic life for much more of their life. Regardless of where I would be or would have gone, that would hold true for me.

[Claire Cook]

Hi GM,

I'm in your camp here. I'm finding that it is possible to do both my male and female things. I'm past 70 and quite content being a Golden Girl when I want (and a Golden Guy when I want?). Perhaps you and I (and obviously others) are not far along enough along on the TG spectrum to want to transition, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. (Indeed, as Paula and others have made clear, it's not a route to go through unless one really has to.) We don't have to.

[Angela Campbell]

I have to side with the "unless you have to" folks. My transition was a very successful and relatively smooth one, and yet still very difficult. It is a permanent and life changing thing. You cannot undo many aspects and will live with the decision for the rest of your life.

It's very fulfilling in many cases if it was the right decision, but if not it can be devastating.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well said...

in fact even if its the "right" decision it can be devastating if it does not go well through no ones fault or worse if it was poorly planned and executed..

[Michelle.M]

Whoa… Is there a fundamental difference between “primary” (early) transexuals and late transitioners, who I assume are “secondary"? Or is that just what your doctors think? Sorry to touch the third rail here...

We should probably jump right to a new thread with that, or this one will get derailed something fierce. That "primary / secondary" thing has the influence of Ray Blanchard all over it. Anne Vitale gives an excellent explanation for the history and use of those terms.

http://www.avitale.com/PrimarySecondary.htm

[Marleena]

Since questions came up about late transitioners and middle-pathers I though I'd let Anne Vital (renowned gender therapist) answer that below from a question she received. My earlier post about those that have to transition still stands though.


4. What happens to those intensely dysphoric people who do not transition? How do they cope? I contemplate never transitioning and thus enabling me to make that commitment to my wife and family. How on earth can I do that and have a happy life without this persistent voice going around and around in my head?

When people wait until they are in mid life and have established a career and family before attending to their gender dysphoria the situation becomes almost impossible to resolve without disrupting the lives of loved ones. The sooner people with gender dysphoria understand that their condition is chronic, the easier the solution becomes. Gender variant people can no more change their gender variant identity then those who fit the more common male/female gender binary. I know all of that doesn't answer the question directly but there are certain truths in life that can not be denied. Being gender variant is one of them.

Of course, it is perfectly possible to be gender dysphoric and NOT transition. Gender dysphoria is not new. There is evidence of it dating all the way back to the beginning of recorded history. Since there was no treatment for it then, gender dysphoric people did the best they could to make their lives work and many societies accommodated them. (see http://www.avitale.com/historicalaccount.htm).

The only real solution is to make every effort possible to get family members to understand the seriousness of the problem. Seeing a good family therapist that is knowledgeable in these matters is a good place to start. I have also found that by referring couples to groups of other couples where there is a gender variant partner also helps.

[cheryl reeves]

some of us who chose to not transition have various ways of finding a coping mechinism to keep us somewhat balanced and on track..

[Tina_gm]

Marleena, a lot of what you posted is sort of where I am coming from in this thread. For whatever reason, those of us who held in our gender issues or identity for decades and built an entire life and family, then have to choose which pain to deal with. Perhaps in the case of several here who have transitioned or are in the process of it later in life (40+) y/o the pain of dealing with such a drastic life altering path is less severe than staying as they are, or were. In these cases, the choice was not really a choice. In order to have any type of life at all, transition is a must. I think basically, many of the people here who have gone through this finally convinced themselves that they could not undo the femininity, or that of identifying as a woman. Or realized after so long that life would always be a misery without transitioning.

Granted, today there is a slightly better acceptance of being TG. Especially among the younger generation. More and more parents are now accepting their children who are wishing to live authentically. What would make them any different than of a mid life transitioner? Many here at the time attempted to choose the path of their birth gender. For someone say 20, without as much society pressure as there was, and without consideration of a decades long career, a partner who they have been with for decades. Kids in school, maybe college (and the need for money to allow them to continue) Life long friends etc etc. Potentially giving up most or all of that, is a clear indication of having to. But, for the younger TG, with little to give up in life, they could look at life as thinking, I am better off as a woman, more like one, so my quality of life is simply better. It would not really be a true having to for some, just a better way of living. They will end up saving themselves countless years of discomfort if not misery. Eventually, the ability to maintain a life through the discomfort and misery will diminish until it is no longer something that can be dealt with. I believe that is what many later in life transitioners go through. They just run out of the ability to live life as the wrong gender.

I would definitely agree that someone in mid life should have to in order to do so. Otherwise I believe the transition would go horribly. I would think that the losses would be overwhelming if it wasn't a have to situation. Or that they would never be certain they were doing or did the right thing.

[Rianna Humble]

I would take issue with the idea of a transitioner finally convincing themself of anything other than the futility of continuing to fight the need to live an authentic life.

If you take the time to read what is written in these forums over and over and over again about transitioning when you need to (need not have) you will understand that the need is not a function of age, so in that sense there is no difference between someone of 18 years of age who needs to transition and someone of 54 years of age who needs to transition.