Hi.
I'm 42. I've had some massive upheavals in my life which has caused a lot of reviewing of myself, of who I am, of what I am, of what I want to be. And somehow in the middle of that I found myself testing the water trying on some of my fiancées clothing. That led to an intense desire to actually try to go out. I bought a cute black dress, leggings, pumps, breast forms... My hair is already long. I looked into how to manage makeup - and then I gave it a shot a couple of weeks ago. I went to a local LGBT club, en femme, as Kay.
It was a crazy night. I live in an apartment building, so I did makeup, tossed on a ball cap and make clothes with a body suit and leggings on underneath my guy clothes. I found a quiet spot, shucked off my shirt. Put on the black dress - it zips up the front. Slid off the male slacks, leggings were already on. Switched shoes. Then I walked a quarter mile to the subway, took it for a few stops, got off and walked the other half mile to the club.
I got cat calls. Which was a VERY odd experience. People were reading me as female. Pretty clearly, from what they were saying... It was rude, but because I was trying to pass flattering at the same time.
The night at the club was awesome. I had a wonderful time, met cool people, and loved every minute of it. I stayed until the place closed. The subway was already shut down for the night, so I knew I would have to taxi back. I changed there, in a bathroom. I almost cried, shucking off Kay. It felt like being something amazing and going back to something drab.
It was a lot to take in.
My fiancée turned out to be very supportive. I've since shopped a bit more, but not gone out again. We're going out together to a similar club next week. She's interested and accepting, but I can tell she's wondering where I am going with all this. Me too.
We're going on a trip next month. The city we are going to (Reykyavik) is having their Pride Week while we are there. So I am bringing a bunch of clothes for both "me's" on the trip. I can be en femme as much of the trip as I want. No one there will ever see me again, most likely. It's the most accepting nation on the planet pretty much, in terms of this stuff.
I am excited about going. I am worried about coming back. If I spend five days living as Kay, am I going to want to go back to the other me? I remember what a huge letdown it was after just a few hours, and I worry that I am setting myself up for a mess.
This is all new, and so fast. I am alarmed by how right it feels, and scared by what that implies about me. I'd love to hear whatever thoughts people might have... This is new ground for me, and it's not comfy. Help?
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