Am I confused or really just that messed up?

[Erica Marie]

Im hoping some girls here can shed some light on this. And maybe those who have seen a counselor or have started hrt would be able to relate better. But it would be nice to hear from everyone on their feelings.

I myself am so confused right now. I have been a cd for over 30 yrs. Im 46 now, and have been dressing since around 13. Been through most of the usual paths. Girlfriends, purge, marriage, purge, divorce, purge. Now I am at the stage where I honestly do not know where I fit in. It all started as a sexual, experimenting stage, then progressed to dressing and trying to look the part as best as a guy can. Now, I rarely dress at all. Well in the sense that a cd would. Now my dressing is just wearing what I want. I wear what I feel comfortable in. Im letting my hair grow out, trying to keep it presentable but Im sure people question it. Im not "manly" by any means. Im stuck presenting male even though my brain is screamin at me day in and day out. Where does it go from here. I feel I need to find a way to break free and just be myself, but I am so afraid of the outcome and lack of acceptance by family and everyone around me.

[Suzanne F]

Erica
I was so scared! My brain screamed let me out but how could I? What about my wife and children? What about my friends?! I just couldn't see how the world would stop.

But here I am and the world has not stopped. I am on HRT and am transitioning. My wife and children are supportive and love me. I can't imagine not living as me.

There is no way we can know what will happen. However, we do know what a hidden life is like. We know what it feels like for our brains to scream let me out. I encourage you to find your authentic self. Once you do, don't let anyone take it from you. Let me know if I can help.
Suzanne

[Junius]

Hey Erica! I don't have an answer for you but you aren't alone. I'm in a similar place as you are right now. Just give yourself permission to present in any way that feels natural and the rest will follow, I'm sure of it.

[arbon]

I was always confused and very messed up. Not that way anymore because I found the freedom to be myself.

[Jenniferathome]

Erica, you know that I am not where you are so I can't offer any solace from experience or perspective, BUT, your last sentence is what I want to address. Your REAL friends will stay with you. Your kids will still love you. Nothing will be easy if you choose any path that is not what the normals are used to, but think about what "everyone around me" really means. Who do YOU care about? So who cares what anyone else might think. Life is short. Make the most of what you have. Best wishes,

[Donnagirl]

Erica,

I can only parrot Suzanne here, her situation is pretty similar to mine.

Remember, this is not a dress rehearsal, you only get one chance at life. Although you must seek professional advice and assistance, you must talk to those you hold dear, one thing that I always keep in the back of my mind is what someone once asked me. 'Are you going to regret what you've done, or what you failed to do?'

[Rachelakld]

Ditto - we only have 1 life this time around, and it's always the things we didn't do, that we tend to regret
As to acceptance, well some people accompany us through life, for a while, others for our whole life, we only know which friend are which once we have gone through this journey.
Best of luck, hope you get to live this life true to yourself.

[Marcelle]

Hi Erica,

It is not an easy path to travel . . . that is one constant irrespective of where you fall on the spectrum. The best we can do is to accept who we are, embrace that and move in the direction we need to move to be happy. Does that mean we will all do so the same way? Not really. While we may come at this from similar angles (transition complete, partial transition, gender fluid, dressing to feel comfortable) each person's experience is unique. The one bit of advice I can offer based on personal experience and working with a therapist is "introspection". Coming out to the world around me was not easy and I had the similar fears you had so I thought long and hard, examined my life up until that point and realized I was never happy. Oh, I had moments of clarity where I could smile and laugh but those were mere echoes of happiness. I was miserable, angry, depressed and not a very nice person to be around. It was then I knew I only had one way forward in order to salvage anything out of my life. So I came out and have never been happier.

Now don't get me wrong, it is not for everyone as I indicated . . . we are all unique. However, you need to weight the odds in both directions before you make any decision and go in the direction which makes you happy.

Cheers

Isha

[Teresa]

Erica,
I guess the first step is tell the family, they may not react as bad as you imagine. It sounds like you aren't OTT with it now so you're going to look fairly acceptable to them if you choose to go that far. Once you've told them you can be more honest about wanting to break free more, this how I felt but breaking free hasn't happened yet.

I'm entering gender counselling to try and answer the same questions as you . What is confusion, what don't I understand and how much is my mind messed up with trying to live in different states ? I'm really hoping to get some direction out of the sessions !

[kimdl93]

There may not be a simple solution, but if your mind is screaming when you're dressed in male mode, even a somewhat androgynous male mode, well, that's something. Perhaps at first it whispered to you, but wasn't able to get your attention.

I think most, at least many of us, have been in your situation, but we take divergent paths, depending on our personal assessments of who we are, what we want out of life and how we weigh out our options. Those are very serious considerations, and all the more difficult if ones thoughts are clouded with emotions. Are you seeing a professional right now? A therapist might help show you a way to get some clarity to your thinking on this matter.

[Krisi]

The part about your brain screaming at you suggests a serious mental problem. I am not big on psychiatry, but in your case, you may be in need of professional help and advice.

Best of luck.

[Sarah Doepner]

Erica, I am in a very similar place right now. I'm older than you and widowed now for over two years. I've been growing unhappy and needed to do a reset on my life, so I started counseling. The point is to give myself permission to think about all aspects of my life and consider what options will most likely bring me happiness. The process of getting to that happy place is hard and I've been mining a pretty emotional vein recently. All I can suggest is to keep your head up and know that your struggle should be towards making yourself calm and happy. If it ever diverts to something negative, step back and start again.

My next big step will be coming out to my family and a few selected friends. I need to do this to help get past the fear that comes from hiding. That fear clouds my mind and any decision I make is colored by something that distorts the answers. I'm working to make decisions that benefit me, not ones that are subservient to my fear of imagined consequences. It will be easier to plot a path forward once I know the reality of who accepts me and who doesn't, because right now my imagination says it's everyone and I am confident that while my imagination is very loud, it is also very wrong.

Best of luck to us all

[LucyNewport]

Erica – what you are describing sounds very familiar to me. Keeping two separate identities can wear you down over time. It sounds like you are at the point where you need to bring your selves together. Easier said than done, right? You will have to do some work to uncover who you really are, how male or female this person is going to be, and what the implications are for those close to you. This does not necessarily mean that you need to transition! There are as many different flavors of trans as there are trans people.

There is no shame in seeking out professional guidance on this. Personally, I found that talking to a qualified therapist was exactly what I needed. A good therapist won't tell you who you are though. That is something that only you can decide.

[Saikotsu]

I would say you're confused, but you are NOT messed up. You need to sit down and take a good hard look at whether or not you feel it is worth it to continue to live in the closet, or if you want to come out. The fear of rejection is very strong, but it can be so limiting too.

I can't tell you where this goes from here, because only you can find that out for yourself. Its different for everyone. What I can tell you, is what you've already said yourself. You want to live free And be yourself. In order to do that, you must overcome your fear of rejection and come out. If they reject you, were they really the kind of people who you need in your life? If they accept you, then perhaps you won't have to fight your own desires.

I'm so glad, and fortunate, that everyone I've come out to was so understanding. I was really afraid to come out to them, but in the end it was so worth it. I have no illusions that everyone will be that way. But for me, it was a risk I had to take.

[AbigailJordan]

Erica Marie. I personally feel that you're perhaps looking at this the wrong way.

"Now I am at the stage where I honestly do not know where I fit in"

I think part of the problem may be that you're not supposed to 'fit in'. Too many people worry and stress about whether they fit societies expectations that they fail to just 'be'.

You even said this yourself... "Now my dressing is just wearing what I want. I wear what I feel comfortable in."

And that's exactly what it is. You wear what you want, you present to the world whatever you want.

It is not your place to have to fit in with society, it is societies place to accept you and if they feel the need to "fit you in" somewhere, then they are welcome to apply whatever label makes them most comfortable, but that doesn't change you in any way.

The fear of lack of acceptance is normal, and in many cases unfortunately, quite justified. I personally have been very pleasantly surprised at just how much acceptance I received from my friends. My mother of course has been wonderful, my stepdad, accepting though not particularly understanding (He even said "I could understand it if he'd gone gay" which shows how some people still equate the two in a black and white frame of reference).

For many many months before coming "out" in my town, I used to wear female jeans and jumpers that weren't TOO obvious, perhaps you should look for items you can incorporate into your drab wardrobe and rather than trying to "fit", define your own style with a blend of clothing styles and give the world a new definition.

In short, don't fit in.. say excuse me.. push the crowd aside, and let them fit in around you.

Best of luck hunni xx

[Erica Marie]

I really want to say thank you to all the girls that replied. I know by no means am I alone. Everyone has different struggles which brings us that much closer together.

[notready4public]

First and foremost.... YOU ARE NOT MESSED UP!! Who wouldn't be confused? You were born a male but your brain is telling you that you are not STRICTLY male. Without knowing more details than your OP gives I do not know for sure if you are saying you are considering more than just 'dressing' female. (i.e. hrt, surgery, etc.)
If you are considering more long term and substantial changes know that there are many in the world who will support you and accept you. You are not alone. If your family and the others around are unable to accept who you truly are then it will be painful and you will probably feel like you made a mistake. But if you keep living a secret life you are still going to feel hurt and like you ARE making a mistake. Love yourself, give yourself permission to love who you ARE and if you discover that who you are requires making those long term, substantial physical changes to yourself then you will have to give them the option to accept you or not. Chances are you will discover some people who will love you stronger for owning who you are than they already do. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be one of the lucky ones who discovers that everyone that really matters to you now will accept you in whatever form you take!
That said, we all know that EVERYONE around you will not being accepting and understanding. What matters is that people who really matter to you at least make an effort to be!