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Thread: Accepting ourselves - what helped you the most?

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Julie1123's Avatar
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    Accepting ourselves - what helped you the most?

    A lot of us struggle with accepting who we are and what we do. I know I've had my ups and downs. One of the biggest things that has helped me feel more comfortable was, well, finding clothes that were more comfortable. I really like the idea of a full feminine look but to be honest the wigs I tried just irritate me and make up just seems to take to long for a couple hours of dressing at most. I know more practice would make it better but for now its just not cost efficient with my time. As far as clothes go, I like a lot of the stuff I have but some of it just wasn't comfortable to sit around the house in long term. A big thing has been to find items that I can do just that in. For example, right now I'm wearing a full length mermaid cut jean skirt, that I absolutely love, and a Star Wars tee.

    So, yeah, a combination of not worrying about going the full nines whenever I want to dress and finding comfortable lounge around clothes has made this a whole lot easier. Get to concentrate more on the relaxing and enjoying.

    If you've struggled what has helped you the most?

    P.S. Also, this site of course, and the people here. You all are amazing. Can't say that enough.

  2. #2
    Member ErikaS's Avatar
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    It took me a long time to accept me as a women and moving from a male wardrobe to a female one has been fun and interesting. I am buying more open neck blouses and shirts it's all about being comfortable and relaxing. And yes my wig is hot but I am growing out my hair and I only do light makeup. It's fun to just relax in yoga pants/shorts also but my work attire is getting more femme so who cares I'm being me.

    Erika

  3. #3
    Junior Member Ashley_K's Avatar
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    While I think accepting who you are is easiest if you can say screw what everyone else thinks, I am me, I can't do that very well. I still take cues from those around me, which is both good and bad. For me, I'll feel much better once my SO is more accepting. On days she is, I tend to feel much better about myself than on days she isn't. But as far as dressing goes, I just got a wig in May, and wow, seeing myself in the mirror for the first time was like bringing a fuzzy vision into focus. That was pretty cool.

  4. #4
    Mumbler Samantha Clark's Avatar
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    No. 1 is my wife who is open to allowing me to be more accepting of myself and my desire to get dressed up. I think in time as we both get more comfortable I'll be able to be more accepting.

    No. 2: finding this site and realizing I'm not alone.

    No. 3: the clothes and makeup and forms and wig. I love my clothes and love the look back from the mirror. Have a way to go to perfect the makeup but that's another topic. Anyway, seeing a simulacrum of a girl in the mirror helps.

    It's still a struggle to be at peace but at least I feel there is a path without insurmountable obstacles.
    Last edited by Samantha Clark; 08-14-2015 at 09:34 AM. Reason: spelin'

  5. #5
    The Girl in a blue dress. Jennifer B's Avatar
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    A few things helped me. 1. Was my ex-girlfriend buying me lots of knickers over time. 2. As you say comfortable lounging female clothes. I don't have the figure to carry off a ballgown and tiara, I do have a ballgown and enjoy wearing it on occasions, but girl jeans and girl striped top and simple underwear etc is much more manageable for my body shape. 3. Whenever anything CD / Trans is mentioned in mainstream media. It's an acknowledgement that outside of our own community and sites like this one, those who don't, know we exist.

  6. #6
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    For me it was a long road. Finally I have an SO that is accepting. That helped me the most. Yet I pushed the fem time a little hard and she wants me to be more manly. I am growing a beard and will go male for a couple weeks and see how she reacts to it. Heck, I am a more feminine male though.
    Part Time Girl

  7. #7
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    There's a lot of factors in accepting myself but it all boils down to giving myself permission to be who I feel like I am. Like Julie, finding a comfortable set of clothes rather than going all out just to lounge in is helping me a lot. I've taken to avoiding boxers and mens jeans in public because no one really notices your underwear and choice of denim.

    A big step I've taken is getting my ears pierced and eyebrows shaped. I knew that pretending to be fully male was becoming painful so if presenting female was out for now I gave myself permission to present androgynous. When the outside matches the inside it becomes easier to accept yourself.

    What kicked this all off though is my pot smoking habits have changed drastically this year. I felt like I didn't belong in a mens world before but then I discovered weed. I smoked to bury myself then I smoked more to numb the pain this caused me. I haven't smoked a whole lot since February. This has given me a clear mind to reflect and I've found that the old me is coming out of hiding. This time I'm giving me permission to be me.

  8. #8
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    I think finding others like me had more to do with my image.

    If I were the only one out here, I couldn't do this.

    ETOH is a far worse mistress than weed.

    I'm a prime example, pm me if you want to know more.

    - MM
    Last edited by mechamoose; 08-12-2015 at 01:18 PM.
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  9. #9
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    The thing that helped me most was learning to be relaxed and forgiving of myself. I was being 'way too type-A -- if I dressed, I felt I "should" dress to the nines. And it cut both ways -- I had to look manly when a man and womanly when a woman. I had to teach myself to relax and to listen to what The Real Me wanted, not obsess on what I ought to want. And if I do something imperfectly, I learned to forgive myself. Bad makeup job? It's OK. I need the most forgiveness (from myself) that I don't have a very female body -- I'll never be petit, I'll never have skinny wrists and ankles. But that's OK -- I have beauty even if it's not the beauty I'd prefer.

    The biggest thing that helped me attain the above was turning 60. It's clear to me that I have fewer days in front of me than behind. I've fulfilled my responsibilities to my family and society. I decided I'm not going to my grave without finding peace with myself.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    So an opinion from a third NC member....first was wife accepting me and seeing the normality in CDing, at least for me. Next was this forum. Then I think retirement helped because some bodily changes could be made that allowed a little more feeling feminine...nails, eyebrows, shaving.

  11. #11
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Divorce from wife number 1 was a major unshackleing - got full wardrobe, wig & make up went public within 2 weeks.

    Redundancy, and a move back to the bottom of my career ladder gave me a "don't care attitude"
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  12. #12
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennie-cd View Post
    The thing that helped me most was learning to be relaxed and forgiving of myself

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennie-cd View Post
    The biggest thing that helped me attain the above was turning 60. It's clear to me that I have fewer days in front of me than behind. I've fulfilled my responsibilities to my family and society. I decided I'm not going to my grave without finding peace with myself.
    Way to go Jennie!! If you don't have faith in yourself, then nothing else matters.

    - MM
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  13. #13
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    For me, it was finally moving forward. I had been trapped for 22 years. The day I said I am doing this was the key that unlocked the door. I have never looked back and never second guessed my decision. Yes, there were some hard times but there have been far more good times in the last 35 years. Be confident in yourself, love life, and be free to be your true self. You deserve it.

  14. #14
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Like many of us, I've struggled with this since early childhood. I didn't know why I wanted to be pretty, but in my household it was definitely considered "sin", and I learned damn well from the get-go to feel horrible about myself for doing it, and to hide it at all costs. And so from about 7 or 8 years and for the next 30 or so, that wrapped around my axle over and over, and my internal life became more and more convoluted and broken.

    What helped me to come out of that, was cancer. If circumstances had not forced me both to viscerrally confront my own mortality, AND have a few months off work where there was little else to do but cherish the silence and for once in my life, stop and actually think about the life I'd been leading to that point .... that's what finally allowed me to come to terms with it.

    If it hadn't been for that, I don't know how much longer things could have gone. I probably would have broken in some other, more destructive ways before finally coming to terms with it.

    That's how I first came to accept that this is who I have always been, and it was not probably gonna ever change.

    But the second stage of growth didn't happen until I came out, and was really accepted by my wife. Her acceptance, on some level, allowed me to accept myself utterly and completely, in a way I never dreamed to imagine. God, I love that woman! :-)
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  15. #15
    How did that happen ? Samantha2015's Avatar
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    I guess because I only dress 1-2 times per month (maybe 3 times if too many shopping deliveries come in)
    I really like to go all out, head to toe. Make a whole day of it.
    On days between dressing I might put on a pair of heels for a short time just to keep practiced
    in my girl walking. But that's about the extent of it on non-dress days. When I'm in comfort clothes
    I'm always in dude mode. I guess I'm a digital CDr only on or off ,not much in between.
    Hugs
    Samantha

  16. #16
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    At some point, I just realized that I didn't have to live up to other people's wishes, I didn't have to be what someone else wanted me to be. I had tried for so much of my life to do that, and had always failed in some way, it seemed that there was always someone who was disappointed in me, because I wasn't what they expected me to be. So I just stopped caring about what everyone else wanted, and decided I would now live for what I wanted, what made me happy. I lost some friends, I lost the respect of some others, some family, too. But I'm not here to make them happy. That's their problem, not mine. I now live to enjoy my life, or, at least, what's left of it, as I have wasted too much of my life in foolish pursuits. Now it's my time to be what I want to be, what feels good for me.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  17. #17
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    Julie,
    In one word , " This Forum !"
    Through reading other members comments especially ones older than me I realised that CDing was for life, that changed my perspective and has helped me accept myself !
    I think it's irrelevant what we wear it's accepting why we do it !
    I agree kicking off the heels after a few hours is heaven but I know I'm going to do it again !

  18. #18
    Lisa Allisa's Avatar
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    I found myself reading some old muses I wrote, when I was deep in denial, and oddly enough an off cuff remark about my hairs length for a person of my age. Made me realize that I was pleasing and conforming to every one else's standard and said enough is enough I am who I am so, no more shame, no more denial, I am going to be myself in my gender fluidity and dress as I please. The more I progressed in my expression the more accepting I became until one day viola I just didn't care anymore who knows and who sees me in my femme dressing, all the time being a member of this site helped me greatly realize I was not alone and added to my confidence as a CDer that I was just as normal as anyone else just with a little extra personality. And I must say that I am a better person and more open. What helped the most? maybe a little bit of everything and the maturing process with age.
    "you are a strange species and there are many out there;shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you ,you are at your best when things are at their worst" ...[ Starman]
    It may of course be a bit disturbing to sense that one is really not so firmly anchored to the gender one was born into.

  19. #19
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    Maturity. I was tired when I wrote that terse response.

    But I owe some elaboration. Life experiences gained through time are what maturity is made of. But I've also had some outside help. My psychologist, who helped guide me back to emotional health during a rocky period, among other things helped me begin to understand that this part of me was OK....something I never before could allow myself to imagine. And coming out...first to my then girl friend, now wife, cemented that realization.

    The act of coming out to someone close to you certainly is a risky business. But as in so much of life, there is a strong relationship between risk and reward. Others cannot give us acceptance if we don't seek it. We deny ourselves acceptance if we do not at least pursue it.

    In the end, perhaps I reached a point where I cognitively understood that being TG was ok, and with maturity realized that the risk of rejection was worth taking. I could, and can live with the occasional rejection in return for the occasional acceptance from others. Perhaps that is self acceptance.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 08-13-2015 at 05:21 AM. Reason: too brief a response
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  20. #20
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    Simple ......

    Genuinely liking myself and, just being glad to be alive .

  21. #21
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    Hi Julie, I've been in this program for over 68yrs. now,
    I guess that I just evolved naturally, Having the best of both worlds.

    This forum is a wonderful place for us liked minded persons.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  22. #22
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    I can't say for sure that I HAVE fully accepted myself in this sense. I am not self-conscious about dressing privately for just my SO and I to enjoy but I don't know if my reluctance to do so publicly is because I haven't accepted it or if I just honestly don't have a desire to do so. I do know that just the little bit I have read on here has helped me understand a little more about this subject and in just the few days since I found the forum I see where I am very fortunate to have such a supportive and accepting SO. I have also seen that for me to truly understand what I want I am going to have to confront myself on the issue and actually give it honest consideration instead of intentionally finding ways not to think about it.

  23. #23
    A lady in the making..... Erica Marie's Avatar
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    Honestly, its been some 30 years and for me it has only gotten worse. I find it harder and harder to accept myself. What I fear is rejection and that has held me back my whole life.
    Erica

  24. #24
    Senior Member Adelaide's Avatar
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    Definitely NOT my wife. She still doesn't accept who I really am. And she purged my clothes & wigs on a few occasions...
    Those that have supported me the most are my GG, hairdresser, therapist and SA at a local wig shop. My therapist even mentioned to my wife that I was a beautiful woman inside/out. All have helped me being more confident.
    But believe me, in the 80s, without the internet & therapy, I felt all alone in this world. Young people today are so fortunate to be able to research what they feel and realize that there's nothing wrong with them...

  25. #25
    Member
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    After 72 years, I feel normal, I get dressed in my clothes every day and do normal things people do. Ninety-nine % of the time it is completely fem. Some times I will make the effort to be very pretty and other times just normal pretty. (at least that's the way I feel) I can't tell you when this happened, just one day this is how it was. I love to feel normal and live my life.. Marshalynn

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