After 17 years of marriage, I came out CD to my wife. I've mentioned this in other posts that besides being "into it" sexually, she supports me 100% and we've never felt closer to each other.
Last year, I was literally walking in front of cars in supermarket parking lots, hoping to get hit. That's how low I was with self-hate/shame/guilt because I was so convinced that I was gay. It wasn't the gay part that was killing me but all of the lying/hiding to a woman who treats me.....she's incredible. We also have two children.
And there I was, in hotel rooms (alone), dressed, watching gay porn....falling over drunk/high.......alone......it was a sad sad sight. Hating myself more and more each day. We never had sex, maybe twice a year....maybe. And even then, it was awful. I would *** too fast, roll over and hate myself even more because I couldn't be a good lover......it just went on and on like that.
In May, we had "the talk", and it's like we've started a new life together. We've both lost 20lbs each (we had started going to the gym before our vacation where all of this happened anyway) and people at her job have said that "you're positivity glowing". I now walk with my head up instead of staring at the ground. And our sex life is off the charts.
So why do I (sometimes) feel guilty that so many things are going right for me? I read some of the terrible stories on this site, the awful things that people have to endure. Why did I get so lucky? I'm hesitant to post my thoughts because they're usually good things and I feel like I'm bragging and throwing it into people's faces. That is in no way my intention. It breaks my heart to hear what some of you are going through.
I know life doesn't work like this and we'll have future bumps in the road. That's simply the way it goes. But I don't feel like I'm in a fog anymore, that I'm not alone and that I now have a partner who will be there when the bumps do arrive.
Like right now....even as I type this......I'm hesitant to post it. This is all still so new to me but I have to remind myself.....again: No labels. We're all on our own journey. This is where I'm at right now. I can't change the past.
To quote Edna Mole, "I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now."
Thank you for listening