Is part of my life fraudulent?

[Teresa]

It's strange how things happen but I was delayed walking the dog this morning and caught the end of the BBC breakfast show . It featured a story about the pageant being hosted in the UK, I felt the TS featured acted up to the cameras too much but then they interviewed Stephanie ( Simon ) Hirst in the studio, she a recent TS and presents a radio show in the UK. The slot was short but in that time the message came over so clearly, she said the biggest obstacle was getting over to the family and friends how she felt and how the GD melted away once the transition started. Now the conflict has gone she is so happy that her needs have been satisfied and she truly be herself !
Those few words and the way they were put for some reason made me think part of my life felt fraudulent but which half ? I also wondered if my wife was having those thoughts too , she's been touchy knowing my gender counselling is today . I guess it's only inevitable that she should think that when her husband is seeking help with gender issues !

Anyway I've just returned from the first session , it went very well, I was open and honest from the start. After the initial why are you here questions I suggested I show her some pictures, she agreed that it would give a clearer message. Oh boy the look on her face she puffed her cheeks out and said you're serious about this aren't you ! She said the transformation and obvious signs of happiness just can't be denied or suppressed . The conclusion is I was born like it I need to openly express my feelings I need to transition but not fully just be able to live at least 50% dressed, and to somehow work on my wife's acceptance. The hiding and DADT situation is mentally crippling me , she's not surprised that that I can't mentally move on until these issues are resolved , especially as I've lived so many years suppressing a real part of me. She was critical of my wife's attitude to intimacy and sexual activity but I told her I could live with that if the other matters could be resolved.

I have to add she is an attractive lady and couldn't help compliment on her heels which I apologised for but she found it funny !
We touched on shopping and my clothes preferences, she agreed that I could pass but when I told her that I wouldn't wear trousers she raised a questioning eyebrow, I added well would you cover those legs up ? She replied they're too dammed good to hide !

[ReineD]

Wow, she said that you were born with this, and you need to partially transition (what does this mean) to dressing at least 50% of the time, plus she was critical of your wife's issues with sexual intimacy? When she mentioned 'partially transition', was she referring to altering parts of your body to be female (breasts maybe?)? Or did she mean that you should go on hormones but no surgeries?

How often have you seen this counselor, and has she had any sessions with your wife?

[Teresa]

Reine,
As I said I was totally open and honest with her, we talked solidly for an hour and covered a lot of ground.
My wife again refused to attend , so I just gave facts .
By transition I feel she's using Isha's interpretation of it to dress more than 50% to almost full time, but no need for medical or surgical intervention just live the other half of what I was born with and find happiness in that .

[Teresa]

WELL YOU ARE HALF WOMAN !

Just an update from my first session
My wife asked me the next morning how it went ? I asked calmly do you really want to know ? She replied not really, it's your problem to sort out not mine ! I raised my tone slightly and replied you realise that some point in the future you may have to listen to what they say !!
I'm afraid that I felt so gutted, the rest of the day I tried to avoid her and say as little as possible.

Come Saturday evening after helping my son knock through to his new house extension we sat with a glass of wine, I commented on a mug my son gave me some tea in , it has a picture of a blue high heeled shoe on it, I said trust him to give me that one !
My wife replied well that's alright you are half woman ! I looked at her in disbelief and said ," Sorry would you care to repeat that ?
Obviously my words from the previous day had sunk in and suddenly I was being recognised and accepted for what I truly believe !
I really hope this might be a turning point !

[Jilmac]

Teresa, I think we all might be a little fraudulent by presenting ourselves as something other than who or what we really are.

[Sara Jessica]

I think she is telling you what you want to hear.

Sounds like you found a councilor who'd feed into a convenient sort of "transition" that would somehow justify your own goal (to bring this front and center with your wife 50% of the time). I'd tread very carefully.

[Robin414]

I've come to realize that I've always fought hard to be 'that guy' but lately I'm losing the fight and apologized to my SO for that. She's completely OK with it but honestly neither of us saw it coming (I guess I was a pretty good fighter) 😮

[ShriekCassandra]

I know how you feel. I find it very hard to function properly as a person while constantly hiding or suppressing the trans aspect of myself just to keep everyone else who can't understand or relate to the subject pacified . Always skulking around in the shadows being afraid of getting 'found out' like its something to be ashamed of, when the only reason I feel that way is because cisgender orientated society taught me to. So sick of it. I hope from your recent comments that your wife may start to be more accepting and you'll have enough support you need for you to finally start living out and proud in the identity you feel you truly belong as, regardless of how 'far' you or your therapist think you should go with it.

[St. Eve]

Really appreciate this thread...so good to know I am not alone.

I have my fourth CD and TG issues counseling session tomorrow as well as my first SO agreed dress up day at home. She will be out of the house for the experience. While she supports me in finding myself, she is having a really hard time fearing the future and staying present centered and adult. So, for now, it is me on my journey and her with her own counselor trying to prepare for the journey. I am very grateful for her support in me finding me, and, very sad she can not accompany me at this time....time will tell where we go.

Peace
St. Eve

[Robin414]

My SO has 'I am Cait' on the recorder, I think that's a good thing?

[St. Eve]

Since the Bruce interview was the trigger for me coming out and my SO feeling tremendous guilt and fear and self loathing, we have not even watched commercials for 'I am Cait." Every time one comes on, one of us changes the channel.... lol

[Teresa]

Sara,
It's a point I'm going to bring up with her at our next session !
The counsellor is part of Relate set up by the government, her basic aim will be to get me into a happy mental state to improve my relationship with my wife . In doing so she may go along with my thoughts and actions not questioning if they are right or wrong. It was the first session to get an idea of what the problem is so she may formulate how to handle the next one .

[CarlaWestin]

..........she may go along with my thoughts and actions not questioning if they are right or wrong.........

Something I learned the hard way many years ago is that all therapists are different. Teresa, you and I are in similar situations with DADT and the irresistible urge pulling at all times. I feel I'm mentally half female but, at this point, really good at being the man. When I do get protracted periods of time, I'm 100% female in dress and mannerism. I'm not too many life situational changes away from considering at least partial transition. I feel you may be the same way. Try not to invest too much conclusion initially from therapy. Just enjoy the outlet for your true feelings. Good luck, Sweetie.

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I believe there is one constant for many of us (note - I did not say "all of us" in case someone thinks I am pushing a TG agenda). For some, dressing brings stress relief, joy, sexual release or just plain fun. They do so, put it away and go on with their lives until the next time. It seldom bleeds into their day to day existence and relationships. For others, it bleeds into our lives. For some it is a trickle (i.e., a feeling that somehow there is more than just the clothes) for others it is an open floodgate and being who they need to be but cannot will cause great emotional stress. This is where things can go off the rails with relationships when the floodgate is open and GD comes pouring in. I believe you are most likely feeling some of that . . . it may not be a floodgate but it is more than a trickle. This IMHO is what is most likely causing your feeling of being "somewhat fraudulent" . . . a desire to be who you need to be but reticence (for a variety of reasons only you know) to express that side of you. The unfortunate thing is there is only two real options and each comes with their own issues: (1) continue as you are which will increase you anxiety and emotional distress; or (2) live as you need to live to be happy which could have knock on effects for your relationship. To be honest, nobody here but yourself is qualified to make that decision for you. Even your counselor would (should) not make that decision as you are the one who has to live with the ramifications.

I am not saying your counselor is off the mark but I do find some therapists who are colleagues of mine and deal with gender identity issues can be a bit "aggressive" in moving patients along. It took me a few times to find a therapist who was willing to listen and guide. She makes recommendations such as "do you think HRT is for you" but never implied I should transition as that is a personal choice each of us needs to come to terms with at some juncture . . . which is what I am struggling with now. I am a bit surprised she was judgmental/critical of your wife's stance on intimacy. I have discussed this question of intimacy with my therapist and while there are some things to work on she never came down on one side over the other but then again all therapists have a different approach. Just remember though, a therapist is there to bring order to chaos and given you clarity of thought. They should act as travel guide on your journey and not a how to book. If they are telling you to do things which make you uncomfortable, let them know you feel so.

Cheers

Isha

[Sara Jessica]

I'm glad Teresa that you're going to bring up whether she is going along with your flow rather than trying to pin down what is truly best for you and the relationship you wish to keep. There are terms used to describe therapists of this type, enablers and card-punchers. You may need to find someone who is willing to challenge you. Then if at the end of the day this particular theory happens to be a genuinely recommended course of action, who are we to question? But I have my concerns given the finding after the first visit, not to mention how your wife's issues were largely dismissed as Isha pointed out. I think that is what struck a nerve with me in the first place. Good luck during your next session.

[Kate Simmons]

I don't consider myself phoney at all. I just consider what I do as different expressions of my feelings.What we choose to do and how we proceed is entirely up to us.

[CD_DIANE]

I'm not sure that "fraudulent " is the best term to use. We all deal with issues in life, and make compromises to keep peace or minimize stress. In a perfect /understanding world, we could live without the tradeoffs we all (or most of us) need to make. DADT is problematic because we are intrinsically hiding (DT) a part of who we are, and are building a wall (DA) because we want honest discussion and acceptance but know/fear the reality of honestly answering the question asked. I wish I had an answer, but I do not.

Diane

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i feel my whole life has been one of hiding who i am really am.
i feel guilty about hiding this from my wife for the first 27 years of our marriage.
although we are still together deep down she feels our marriage is a sham
and has told me if she knew about my crossdressing she would never have married me.
so i believe i have lived a fraudulent life.

[Suzie Petersen]

Teresa,

How many other people with gender issues has your counselor worked with?

There are several things in your report from the first session that just make me go "Hmmmm ..."! One of the big ones being that she came to a "conclusion" about anything during this first session! Unless that is more your words than hers perhaps?

- Suzie

[Teresa]

Suzie,
I could answer this in two ways, either she's had so few she doesn't realise the implications of the points she made or she's seen it all enough times to know how to deal with the pattern of my CDing life . I would say judging by her age the latter is the more likely.
As I said previously I basically stuck to my history and the facts without elaboration, perhaps the events leading up to me almost ending my life and what happened after and my wife's total refusal to attend any of the counselling sessions may have prompted her to make the comment she did.
I realise that it's not her job to pat me on my back and tell me how wonderful CDing is, she has to find ways through the circumstances to bring a relationship back together.
After the length of time I've been dressing she squashed any ideas of it being an obsession I have to face the fact that part of me just needs to live the reality of what I feel inside. I guess she will have to force my hand slightly to make the decisions I need to take . How qualified she is a gender counsellor I can't say but in some respects that may be irrelevant to the overall job she's being asked to do ! I will continue with the sessions, the important point to me is through my GP's referral the NHS is funding them, without that I wouldn't be getting any help, if I ask the right questions I hope I will get most of the answers I'm looking for .

We all know it's not an easy road and everyone's comments about counselling and therapy is very much appreciated, I also hope that other members hesitant about counselling may be prompted to go ahead .

[Suzie Petersen]

Teresa,

It all depends on what your own goal is and what you ask your therapist to help you with. Her job is not to "cure" you in any way or to make you fit within any particular box. Her job is to help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings and help you focus on finding a path to where ever you want to go.

Teresa: I realise that it's not her job to pat me on my back and tell me how wonderful CDing is, she has to find ways through the circumstances to bring a relationship back together.

Yes ... if that is what you ask her to help you with! It just sounds odd to me, and you have heard the same from Reine, Isha and Sara, that she would speak out against your wife's participation in your dressing or her reluctance in the bedroom with you in girl mode, if what she is trying to accomplice is to find common ground for you and your wife! To me that points more in a direction of her trying to make you feel you are right and that you should do what you want!

Teresa: How qualified she is a gender counsellor I can't say but in some respects that may be irrelevant to the overall job she's being asked to do ! I will continue with the sessions, the important point to me is through my GP's referral the NHS is funding them, without that I wouldn't be getting any help, if I ask the right questions I hope I will get most of the answers I'm looking for.

I think it is very important that she is qualified as a gender counselor actually. But something you said earlier "she puffed her cheeks out and said you're serious about this aren't you" tells me she might not have "seen it all" just yet.
Also, I can understand that you are happy about NHS covering the cost of this, and it is wonderful that they do, dont get me wrong. But it is only good if you get the right advise! If the best thing about it is that it is free, then ...

Hugs
Suzie

[jenni_xx]

Before you decide on anything, I would recommend that you see another counselor, just to get a second opinion. It's too important (to you) not to.

[Katey888]

There's good advice here already Teresa - I'd especially note Isha's (who's lived what your objective appears to be), Suzie and jenni (the latter brief, but on the button ).

I'm not convinced that a Relate counsellor will have the training or experience to truly understand gender issues of the TG/TS-type - utilising Relate because they're free for you is one thing, but finding a therapist experienced in gender issues must serve you well at some point, even if you don't get the answer you're wanting to hear (and why I think Sara Jessica's observation is a true and good one..). This comment also gives some concern:

I guess she will have to force my hand slightly to make the decisions I need to take .

Counsellors will not force your hand... If you don't realise by now that so much of your angst is rooted in your own indecisiveness, then maybe having a therapist suggest that to you would be a good thing... I'm sorry to sound harsh, but your tendency to vacillate is such an artform it could be entered for the Turner Prize... I can't believe you've got this far in life without being able to grasp a few nettles along the way, this is just one more, albeit a bit of a stinger... Get grasping!

Katey x

[Alice Torn]

With this thing we have, it is understandable we are in conflict much of the time, as it is not much accepted, though it is tolerated more, in society. Some societies will jail, or punish or kill us! Sometimes i feel fraudulent too, as it is against everything i was taught as a kid, and later. So, it goes against the grain of part of me. If some can totally rid themselves of all conflict about it, hats off to you.

[Teresa]

Katey,
You've posed me a problem now, I could make light of your comment to vacillate being an artform , as you know I do like painting !
To take your point seriously raises the problem why I started this thread in Loved Ones but had it deleted unless it was moved, so it would only be seen by members, but I'm afraid I can't divulge certain details on this open forum, I will PM you to put the matter straight.
Your point about Relate counsellors may be true I found that some Relate centres don't deal with gender issues and I queried this before they offered me an appointment, but I can't say how my referral was worded .