Is part of my life fraudulent?

[stefan37]

I knew what you meant. I was speaking to your therapist at some point suggesting Estrogen to you. .

[ReineD]

I realise that neither of us aren't saying we don't love each other, admittedly we don't say it enough and the harsh words don't help from either side but basically she can't live with my CDing and I can't live without it !

But you've just finished writing that your wife is OK with you wearing a nightie at night, dressing when she is not there, and a while back you wrote she was OK with you going out dressed to support groups!! So how does this mean that she cannot live with the CDing? If your definition of "living with the CDing" means her full participation now, then I'm telling you that it won't happen just yet. But, this doesn't mean that she will not become inured to it in the future! If what you want mostly is the ability to dress at home because YOU are not prepared to come out to the world as transsexual, then why do you even entertain the idea that you might have GD? MtFs with GD can no longer live as male and this means being out to everyone as a woman, not just dressing up to stay home.

You need to stop projecting so far into the future, and just go ahead and start dressing up now to go out in the next town over if you are not ready to do so in your neighborhood. It doesn't matter what's driving it. You want to dress, that's all that matters, so what is stopping you from figuring out ways that you can do this?

I told my wife yesterday that I wasn't sure anymore how much I needed to be a woman, throwing all the other labels at her are going to totally confuse her !

I'm not suggesting you throw any labels at anyone, not even at yourself.

You mention you're not sure anymore how much you need to be a woman. What does this mean? Would you be prepared NOW to undertake full electrolysis, take hormones with the reduction of male sexual functioning, get FFS, BA, SRS, legal name and gender marker change? If the answer to these is no, if you're not ready to start these things any time soon, then again what is stopping you from doing what you do want to do now, which is to dress?

Don't discount the idea that if you begin to feel free with expressing a female presentation and you feel unfettered to dress on a regular basis (even if your wife is not there), these other things will fall into place and I think you'll be in a much happier space.

I need to satisfy a desire that's always been there of wanting to share it totally with a woman, as a companion and yes sexually ! It's that rejection of at least half of my being that is harming and hurting me so much, as you may recall it drove me to desperate measures some twenty years ago.

Sorry Teresa, but this in itself is not GD. GD is the need to LIVE in the gender opposite than birth sex, to be perceived by ALL others as that gender, and to rid oneself of the male (if MtF) or female (if FtM) sexual characteristics that conflict with one's inner gender identity. It's not about having sex with someone as your target gender. Gosh Teresa ... go ask 100 post-op TSs how easy it is to find sexual partners if they are starting afresh. You will be dismayed at the answers. Generally speaking, GGs & gay men need partners with penises who look masculine, and GMs & lesbians want partners who are feminine and who didn't use to have penises. Pre-op or non-op TSs have a better chance of finding sexual partners, but this is because there are men who distinctly prefer feminine-looking people who have penises. If you are not attracted to men, then this will not help you even if you should choose to transition without SRS.

The people who maintain long-term relationships throughout transition do still have partners, but the quality of their sex lives change. Many TSs still in relationships with their GG spouses have no more sex life with them (generally ... I'm sure there are exceptions). What holds them together is their long-lasting emotional bonds. I say this because I've heard it directly from the GGs who are still married to transitioned TSs and from the transitioned TSs in this forum who stayed married and who posted about their sex lives.

She may or may not come round at some point as you say, but time is running out and mentally I need some answers and take action soon. She suggested that I go and get some medication ( antidepressants ) but as I found last time, many of the negatives disappear and the CDing becomes more acceptable and loses it's boundaries, so it's counter productive, I'm possibly happier but only because of my comfort levels with CDing are greater which I doubt the rest of the family will want to see.

I'm not sure I understand this. Does it mean that when you are on antidepressants, you have fewer internal negative reactions to the dressing, and so you feel freer about doing things like going out? Then what is wrong with that?

You mentioned last year that your wife is close to retirement. If all you want to do now is dress at home, then I can understand why the prospect of no longer being able to dress all day at home is worrisome for you. This is why you need to start going out fully dressed, in the next town over if need be. You need to start preparing for your wife's retirement in a constructive way and trust that things will fall into place once you stop talking and start DOING.

The inevitable does look like parting of our ways , I mustn't see it as I love my CDing more than my family, everyone my wife has spoken to has said they couldn't live with a CDer, maybe I should be fair and take that pain away but seperation isn't going to be pain free either !

You'll be in for a horrible surprise if you think that your sex life will improve should you separate, especially since you are not attracted to men. You might find a lonely divorced or widowed GG in her 60s who wants male companionship and so she will at first be willing to have fun with kink in the bedroom, but often this changes once the relationship morphs to commitment and chances are you will eventually be in the same quandary you are in now, plus you will be in a divorced situation with your adult children, which believe me is not an ideal situation to be in.

Also if you do not want to go out fully dressed, if the reason for a divorce is to continue to dress at home after your wife retires and having your own place is the only way you can see doing this, then this is your call to make. But please don't mistake this for being a woman, if you cannot see yourself going out dressed publicly or undertaking all the steps necessary for physical, legal, and social transition. And be prepared for the realization that, once you are free to dress all day without having to worry about what will happen after your wife retires, you will find a lesser need to dress. I'm saying this based on the assumptions that you are not, in fact, ready for a physical, legal, and social transition. If you are TS and are ready for these things, then I agree it doesn't look as if your marriage would survive.

[Teresa]

Reine,
First point about wearing nighties, she neither wants to see me or touch when wearing them even though we sleep in the same bed. She has moved the goal posts on most things and approving of me going out to support groups is another of them ,as is dressing in the house when she was home.
Maybe I've misunderstood what GD means but I thought it meant to be uncertain about gender traits rather than believing I'm TS.
Her interpretation of living like a woman is to dress full time not to making physical changes so using other labels with her would not make sense, unless a counsellor had been allowed to explain it all to her. I'm not that naive to think dressing full time is a bed of roses everytime I think of it I realise the difficulties to overcome.

Ok I am confused by my mental state but certainly would not go pumping any chemicals into my body unless I was certain that is what I really want.

Point taken about your full description of sexual preferences, all I know is something is screwing me up and has been for most of my life, maybe I'm pinning too much on my current counselling sessions, but I can only make decisions if I can see things clearer !

Last time I was on Prozac I felt OK about my dressing, but when my wife asked what sort of day I'd had, I would tell her if I had the need to dress or not, if I did how much better I felt, eventually she tired of it and didn't want to hear it , despite seeing me with a smile on my face.
This point about retirement was discussed recently, all she said was we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, end of discussion.

Reine you may recall that I mentioned I haven't had a sex life for almost ten years , not even intimate contact ! My wife has no doubts that I would find someone else if we parted she knows what I'm like . She's told everyone that she's made sure that her savings and valuables will go to the children and not to any new partner of mine should anything happen to her !
Separation is never good but when children are involved it's much harder, of course it's going to tear me apart if I lose contact with my grandchildren, my son and daughter have assured me it won't happen , it's good to hear that but there aren't any guarantees.
At sixty four I should have a choice how I want to live, my counsellor is concerned at the level of suppression I'm living with, I can't say exactly which direction my life would take, all I know at the moment is I have no direction because I'm going round in circles .
I've said this before but I feel my wife is using my CDing as an excuse to treat me like a punchbag, if other parts of our marriage were OK I could live with that , because for whatever reason I'm not functioning anymore, comments like I just want the man I married are hard to take when I can't respond.

[ReineD]

Maybe I've misunderstood what GD means but I thought it meant to be uncertain about gender traits rather than believing I'm TS.

According to the WPATH: Gender Dysphoria (previously termed Gender Identity Disorder) "is characterized by a strong and persistent crossgender identification and a persistent discomfort with one’s sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex, causing clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning".

This means that a MtF suffering from GD cannot function as a male and this means in all areas of life, not just dressing at home. This is also the definition for being transsexual, since obviously the treatment for MtF TSs who suffer the debilitating condition of being male is to transition from their male sex to a female sex.

Being uncertain is par for the course for many CDers who feel suppressed in their feminine presentation. They cannot express themselves and so the need to do so takes on epic proportions. If you took a poll of people who know they are CD, many will tell you they went through periods when they wondered whether they were TS or not, or gay or not too for that matter.