Is part of my life fraudulent?

[Teresa]

It's strange how things happen but I was delayed walking the dog this morning and caught the end of the BBC breakfast show . It featured a story about the pageant being hosted in the UK, I felt the TS featured acted up to the cameras too much but then they interviewed Stephanie ( Simon ) Hirst in the studio, she a recent TS and presents a radio show in the UK. The slot was short but in that time the message came over so clearly, she said the biggest obstacle was getting over to the family and friends how she felt and how the GD melted away once the transition started. Now the conflict has gone she is so happy that her needs have been satisfied and she truly be herself !
Those few words and the way they were put for some reason made me think part of my life felt fraudulent but which half ? I also wondered if my wife was having those thoughts too , she's been touchy knowing my gender counselling is today . I guess it's only inevitable that she should think that when her husband is seeking help with gender issues !

Anyway I've just returned from the first session , it went very well, I was open and honest from the start. After the initial why are you here questions I suggested I show her some pictures, she agreed that it would give a clearer message. Oh boy the look on her face she puffed her cheeks out and said you're serious about this aren't you ! She said the transformation and obvious signs of happiness just can't be denied or suppressed . The conclusion is I was born like it I need to openly express my feelings I need to transition but not fully just be able to live at least 50% dressed, and to somehow work on my wife's acceptance. The hiding and DADT situation is mentally crippling me , she's not surprised that that I can't mentally move on until these issues are resolved , especially as I've lived so many years suppressing a real part of me. She was critical of my wife's attitude to intimacy and sexual activity but I told her I could live with that if the other matters could be resolved.

I have to add she is an attractive lady and couldn't help compliment on her heels which I apologised for but she found it funny !
We touched on shopping and my clothes preferences, she agreed that I could pass but when I told her that I wouldn't wear trousers she raised a questioning eyebrow, I added well would you cover those legs up ? She replied they're too dammed good to hide !

[ReineD]

Wow, she said that you were born with this, and you need to partially transition (what does this mean) to dressing at least 50% of the time, plus she was critical of your wife's issues with sexual intimacy? When she mentioned 'partially transition', was she referring to altering parts of your body to be female (breasts maybe?)? Or did she mean that you should go on hormones but no surgeries?

How often have you seen this counselor, and has she had any sessions with your wife?

[Teresa]

Reine,
As I said I was totally open and honest with her, we talked solidly for an hour and covered a lot of ground.
My wife again refused to attend , so I just gave facts .
By transition I feel she's using Isha's interpretation of it to dress more than 50% to almost full time, but no need for medical or surgical intervention just live the other half of what I was born with and find happiness in that .

[Teresa]

WELL YOU ARE HALF WOMAN !

Just an update from my first session
My wife asked me the next morning how it went ? I asked calmly do you really want to know ? She replied not really, it's your problem to sort out not mine ! I raised my tone slightly and replied you realise that some point in the future you may have to listen to what they say !!
I'm afraid that I felt so gutted, the rest of the day I tried to avoid her and say as little as possible.

Come Saturday evening after helping my son knock through to his new house extension we sat with a glass of wine, I commented on a mug my son gave me some tea in , it has a picture of a blue high heeled shoe on it, I said trust him to give me that one !
My wife replied well that's alright you are half woman ! I looked at her in disbelief and said ," Sorry would you care to repeat that ?
Obviously my words from the previous day had sunk in and suddenly I was being recognised and accepted for what I truly believe !
I really hope this might be a turning point !

[Jilmac]

Teresa, I think we all might be a little fraudulent by presenting ourselves as something other than who or what we really are.

[Sara Jessica]

I think she is telling you what you want to hear.

Sounds like you found a councilor who'd feed into a convenient sort of "transition" that would somehow justify your own goal (to bring this front and center with your wife 50% of the time). I'd tread very carefully.

[ShriekCassandra]

I know how you feel. I find it very hard to function properly as a person while constantly hiding or suppressing the trans aspect of myself just to keep everyone else who can't understand or relate to the subject pacified . Always skulking around in the shadows being afraid of getting 'found out' like its something to be ashamed of, when the only reason I feel that way is because cisgender orientated society taught me to. So sick of it. I hope from your recent comments that your wife may start to be more accepting and you'll have enough support you need for you to finally start living out and proud in the identity you feel you truly belong as, regardless of how 'far' you or your therapist think you should go with it.

[Robin414]

I've come to realize that I've always fought hard to be 'that guy' but lately I'm losing the fight and apologized to my SO for that. She's completely OK with it but honestly neither of us saw it coming (I guess I was a pretty good fighter) 😮

[St. Eve]

Really appreciate this thread...so good to know I am not alone.

I have my fourth CD and TG issues counseling session tomorrow as well as my first SO agreed dress up day at home. She will be out of the house for the experience. While she supports me in finding myself, she is having a really hard time fearing the future and staying present centered and adult. So, for now, it is me on my journey and her with her own counselor trying to prepare for the journey. I am very grateful for her support in me finding me, and, very sad she can not accompany me at this time....time will tell where we go.

Peace
St. Eve

[Robin414]

My SO has 'I am Cait' on the recorder, I think that's a good thing?

[St. Eve]

Since the Bruce interview was the trigger for me coming out and my SO feeling tremendous guilt and fear and self loathing, we have not even watched commercials for 'I am Cait." Every time one comes on, one of us changes the channel.... lol

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I believe there is one constant for many of us (note - I did not say "all of us" in case someone thinks I am pushing a TG agenda). For some, dressing brings stress relief, joy, sexual release or just plain fun. They do so, put it away and go on with their lives until the next time. It seldom bleeds into their day to day existence and relationships. For others, it bleeds into our lives. For some it is a trickle (i.e., a feeling that somehow there is more than just the clothes) for others it is an open floodgate and being who they need to be but cannot will cause great emotional stress. This is where things can go off the rails with relationships when the floodgate is open and GD comes pouring in. I believe you are most likely feeling some of that . . . it may not be a floodgate but it is more than a trickle. This IMHO is what is most likely causing your feeling of being "somewhat fraudulent" . . . a desire to be who you need to be but reticence (for a variety of reasons only you know) to express that side of you. The unfortunate thing is there is only two real options and each comes with their own issues: (1) continue as you are which will increase you anxiety and emotional distress; or (2) live as you need to live to be happy which could have knock on effects for your relationship. To be honest, nobody here but yourself is qualified to make that decision for you. Even your counselor would (should) not make that decision as you are the one who has to live with the ramifications.

I am not saying your counselor is off the mark but I do find some therapists who are colleagues of mine and deal with gender identity issues can be a bit "aggressive" in moving patients along. It took me a few times to find a therapist who was willing to listen and guide. She makes recommendations such as "do you think HRT is for you" but never implied I should transition as that is a personal choice each of us needs to come to terms with at some juncture . . . which is what I am struggling with now. I am a bit surprised she was judgmental/critical of your wife's stance on intimacy. I have discussed this question of intimacy with my therapist and while there are some things to work on she never came down on one side over the other but then again all therapists have a different approach. Just remember though, a therapist is there to bring order to chaos and given you clarity of thought. They should act as travel guide on your journey and not a how to book. If they are telling you to do things which make you uncomfortable, let them know you feel so.

Cheers

Isha

[Sara Jessica]

I'm glad Teresa that you're going to bring up whether she is going along with your flow rather than trying to pin down what is truly best for you and the relationship you wish to keep. There are terms used to describe therapists of this type, enablers and card-punchers. You may need to find someone who is willing to challenge you. Then if at the end of the day this particular theory happens to be a genuinely recommended course of action, who are we to question? But I have my concerns given the finding after the first visit, not to mention how your wife's issues were largely dismissed as Isha pointed out. I think that is what struck a nerve with me in the first place. Good luck during your next session.

[Kate Simmons]

I don't consider myself phoney at all. I just consider what I do as different expressions of my feelings.What we choose to do and how we proceed is entirely up to us.

[CD_DIANE]

I'm not sure that "fraudulent " is the best term to use. We all deal with issues in life, and make compromises to keep peace or minimize stress. In a perfect /understanding world, we could live without the tradeoffs we all (or most of us) need to make. DADT is problematic because we are intrinsically hiding (DT) a part of who we are, and are building a wall (DA) because we want honest discussion and acceptance but know/fear the reality of honestly answering the question asked. I wish I had an answer, but I do not.

Diane

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i feel my whole life has been one of hiding who i am really am.
i feel guilty about hiding this from my wife for the first 27 years of our marriage.
although we are still together deep down she feels our marriage is a sham
and has told me if she knew about my crossdressing she would never have married me.
so i believe i have lived a fraudulent life.

[Marcelle]

Teresa,

It is quite clear in this post and your previous posts you are in pain and as I replied earlier IMHO you are experiencing a level of GID which is clearly interacting with your current concept of self and life situation. This is what you need to work on with your counselor. Specifically, you need to understand it in yourself first before you can sit and discuss honestly with your wife. You listed several options on getting your wife on board. Unfortunately, trying to get her on board before you even know the extent of your GID will go bad and be writhe with assumptions on your part and hers. If you tell her one thing only to discover in counseling it is something else well just saying . . . it will most likely go bad.

You may be CD, TG, TS, gender fluid, gender variant a lion, tiger or bear . . . oh my . . . but you don't truly know yet. That should be your first step. Keep your feelings/desires at arm's distance from your wife until you get a better understanding (order vice chaos). If she asks you how it is going and you know she really does not want to know at the present simply state . . . "things are going fine dear, taking it one step at a time and working through things" If she truly wants to know what you are talking about, explain in terms of coming to an understanding of yourself and don't get too bogged down in details. For example you may want to say "I am thinking that perhaps it might be a good idea to find time to explore this side of me in a venue we can both agree upon" vice "My counselor thinks I should dress as I please whenever I want." (I know she did not say that . . . example only). Always speak in terms of "you" not my counselor said or my counselor agrees. This is about you and using your counselor as a "validity check" might make your wife feel as though she is being ganged up on. Likewise, trying to get your family to convince her might also put her in the frame of mind that you are ganging up on her or trying to divide your family against her.

Look, I am not saying you have to walk around on egg shells, but you do need to be cognizant that this is a lot for your wife to digest. So bring her along slowly as you explore yourself through counseling. Don't rush, understand yourself and integrate that into your discussions. In the end it may never work and she will not understand (or perhaps she will) but you can't go from 0 - 100 without a few rest stops along the way.

... It's so good to share this with a woman I only wish it was my wife, I asked if she would like me to attend dressed, she replied that it wasn't a problem if I wished but after two sessions it's pretty clear to her I don't need to prove anything and it would be an unnecessary complication .

As a professional in the craft, don't read too much into interaction with your counselor as empathy is our stock and trade. We are not trying to trick our clients just provide a safe haven for them to discuss. What I see here is classic transference . . . you wish it were your wife. If it were your wife it would be problem solved. If you find it is becoming too distracting (your attraction to her) then you do need to tell her as it will only disrupt your counseling for gender identity issues.

My two cents . . . take if for what it is worth.

Cheers

Isha

[Suzie Petersen]

Teresa,

How many other people with gender issues has your counselor worked with?

There are several things in your report from the first session that just make me go "Hmmmm ..."! One of the big ones being that she came to a "conclusion" about anything during this first session! Unless that is more your words than hers perhaps?

- Suzie

[Teresa]

Suzie,
I could answer this in two ways, either she's had so few she doesn't realise the implications of the points she made or she's seen it all enough times to know how to deal with the pattern of my CDing life . I would say judging by her age the latter is the more likely.
As I said previously I basically stuck to my history and the facts without elaboration, perhaps the events leading up to me almost ending my life and what happened after and my wife's total refusal to attend any of the counselling sessions may have prompted her to make the comment she did.
I realise that it's not her job to pat me on my back and tell me how wonderful CDing is, she has to find ways through the circumstances to bring a relationship back together.
After the length of time I've been dressing she squashed any ideas of it being an obsession I have to face the fact that part of me just needs to live the reality of what I feel inside. I guess she will have to force my hand slightly to make the decisions I need to take . How qualified she is a gender counsellor I can't say but in some respects that may be irrelevant to the overall job she's being asked to do ! I will continue with the sessions, the important point to me is through my GP's referral the NHS is funding them, without that I wouldn't be getting any help, if I ask the right questions I hope I will get most of the answers I'm looking for .

We all know it's not an easy road and everyone's comments about counselling and therapy is very much appreciated, I also hope that other members hesitant about counselling may be prompted to go ahead .

[Suzanne F]

Only the second session and have hit the wall !

The second session went very well so much stuff coming out from my past, not all relevant but helping to clear my mind . Still not a clear idea where I am on the gender line because I'm still being so suppressed with my dressing . My counsellor is trying every angle to try and persuade me to get my wife to attend , I knew I'd hit this wall fairly soon, I have two weeks to work on this before the next appointment, so how do I do it ?

To me my options are 1. directly ask again.

2. get my son and daughter together give them the full facts of why I'm seeking gender counselling and show them all my pictures, perhaps together they could convince her what the outcome could be if I can't come to terms with my CDing and gender issues.

3. try the same thing but with her brother and sister, this option takes the problem away of putting my children in the middle of the situation .

4. tell my wife that whether she agrees or not that I'm going to dress more , if she can't deal with it then the counsellor is more than willing to talk it through why I need to dress more to find a level and possibly get answers to my gender question .

5. tell her straight that I can't live like this anymore and that we should go separate ways.

6. leave everything as it is and wait for me to totally fall apart.

Sadly all this comes to not being able to just to sit down and sensibly talk it through, apparently I have 16 sessions available to me under the NHS and my counsellor said she's going to use everyone to try and move this forward, she's not going to give up on me !

When I arrived back home my wife asked how it went ? I replied very well, she's so easy to talk to, and very attractive and even complemented on her shoes ! My wife replied Oh perhaps she may fancy you then ! I'm afraid there may lie a problem, putting the counselling aside I'm beginning to be attracted to her , I really didn't need this complication. She sat there for some minutes holding all my pictures, she commented again on my legs and asked me who showed me how to do my makeup and nails, when I replied no one she was very surprised . It's so good to share this with a woman I only wish it was my wife, I asked if she would like me to attend dressed, she replied that it wasn't a problem if I wished but after two sessions it's pretty clear to her I don't need to prove anything and it would be an unnecessary complication .

Teresa
I have read your threads here for two years. I don't believe I have ever commented. I am going to try now. Please listen.

You are responsible for you. Almost every thread I read centers in your wife's disapproval. She is not going to change. She has not budged an inch in two years and I don't think any counseling will move her. She is not willing. Acceptance on your part is the key. The only thing that you can change is you.

I had to detach from my wife. It was so difficult. However, if I was going to be honest about who I was I had to concentrate on me not my wife's desires and thoughts. In the end this was more fair to her. She finally was able to see he real me.

This detachment lead to me deciding to transition. Yes this is scary! So now my wife has the opportunity to decide if she loves the real me. Not the one version I was presenting to her. This sounds harsh but it is really the only fair thing I could do for her. I had been dishonest with myself and her.

I am not saying that all cross dressers should just abandon any compromise with their spouses. However, if you are having gender confusion you should address it honestly. The only way I believe you can do this is by independent evaluation. Not through the lenses of being a couple. Once you have done the work the spouse deserves to know the outcome. She is then free to make her own decision about how her life with you looks.

We only live once. We owe it to ourselves to be authentic. Yes it took me 48 years to really accept myself. I don't wish that fate for anyone. It is never too late though! We get to start over every day. Yes it is completely scary!!!!!! However, the rewards are great. If your spouse decides she is in then you will truly know that she loves the real you. Not the hidden version you have concocted to please her.

Suzanne

[Teresa]

Suzanne,
Today I managed to get a level, non volatile conversation with my wife, basically it came down to very much to what you say .
My wife is still working and while she's still employed she point blank refuses to see any counsellor, she can't take that on board as well. Being told what would make me happy with my CDing is not going to happen, its' up to me to find happiness with the level of CDing first and then see if she can live with it . She's not denying me trying to find contentment and happiness but she made it clear she may not be part of it.

She feels she's flexed enough by allowing me to wear nighties in bed, but allowing me to dress while she's at home and sit in the evening to watch TV isn't going to happen again. she just wants the man she married in those circumstances.

[ReineD]

She's not denying me trying to find contentment and happiness but she made it clear she may not be part of it.

We've had this conversation before. It seems you want your wife's full involvement from the get go. That rarely happens. With most couples, it starts slowly and after some years, many wives gain some degree of confidence that their husbands are still the same people, they get used to the idea that their husbands dress, and they no longer feel threatened by seeing their husbands in women's clothing. It takes TIME.

A lot of couples start out just the way that your wife suggests. So join a support group, go out regularly, and you will see that these outings will become a part of your and your wife's routines. Eventually she will have enough experience under her belt, she will see you come back from your outings all in one piece and that you are the same person you always have been, and it will cease to be so difficult for her to see you dressed. It takes GETTING USED TO.

But if you expect her to be as accepting from the onset as some of the wives here are with their SO's (after years), you'll continue to make yourself and perhaps your wife miserable.

[Suzie Petersen]

Teresa,

It all depends on what your own goal is and what you ask your therapist to help you with. Her job is not to "cure" you in any way or to make you fit within any particular box. Her job is to help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings and help you focus on finding a path to where ever you want to go.

Teresa: I realise that it's not her job to pat me on my back and tell me how wonderful CDing is, she has to find ways through the circumstances to bring a relationship back together.

Yes ... if that is what you ask her to help you with! It just sounds odd to me, and you have heard the same from Reine, Isha and Sara, that she would speak out against your wife's participation in your dressing or her reluctance in the bedroom with you in girl mode, if what she is trying to accomplice is to find common ground for you and your wife! To me that points more in a direction of her trying to make you feel you are right and that you should do what you want!

Teresa: How qualified she is a gender counsellor I can't say but in some respects that may be irrelevant to the overall job she's being asked to do ! I will continue with the sessions, the important point to me is through my GP's referral the NHS is funding them, without that I wouldn't be getting any help, if I ask the right questions I hope I will get most of the answers I'm looking for.

I think it is very important that she is qualified as a gender counselor actually. But something you said earlier "she puffed her cheeks out and said you're serious about this aren't you" tells me she might not have "seen it all" just yet.
Also, I can understand that you are happy about NHS covering the cost of this, and it is wonderful that they do, dont get me wrong. But it is only good if you get the right advise! If the best thing about it is that it is free, then ...

Hugs
Suzie

[jenni_xx]

Before you decide on anything, I would recommend that you see another counselor, just to get a second opinion. It's too important (to you) not to.

[Katey888]

There's good advice here already Teresa - I'd especially note Isha's (who's lived what your objective appears to be), Suzie and jenni (the latter brief, but on the button ).

I'm not convinced that a Relate counsellor will have the training or experience to truly understand gender issues of the TG/TS-type - utilising Relate because they're free for you is one thing, but finding a therapist experienced in gender issues must serve you well at some point, even if you don't get the answer you're wanting to hear (and why I think Sara Jessica's observation is a true and good one..). This comment also gives some concern:

I guess she will have to force my hand slightly to make the decisions I need to take .

Counsellors will not force your hand... If you don't realise by now that so much of your angst is rooted in your own indecisiveness, then maybe having a therapist suggest that to you would be a good thing... I'm sorry to sound harsh, but your tendency to vacillate is such an artform it could be entered for the Turner Prize... I can't believe you've got this far in life without being able to grasp a few nettles along the way, this is just one more, albeit a bit of a stinger... Get grasping!

Katey x