How can I accept myself for who I am? Really struggling

[mikeyp]

You posted this thread asking others about their experiences. Not sure why some members are not sharing their own experience with the sexual aspect, but according to what I've read in this forum over the years, it does settle into feelings of comfort eventually, especially if you give yourself permission to dress. Quite a few people have said they resisted the urge to masturbate initially or if they couldn't, they resisted the urge to take everything off after orgasm. But, this requires having a block of time to dress, something that is difficult to obtain if you live at home or you room with other students at school.

I'm so glad you recognize that wanting to feel weak, small, helpless, etc is a sexual need (a lot of people are into BDSM) and not necessarily a gender identity issue. Because being a woman is most definitely NOT about feeling weak and submissive. That said, this is one of the best articles I have found, from a therapist, about accepting alternate sexual preferences:

I've also wondered what would happen if I just kept the clothes on for a couple of hours after I'm done, just to get comfortable and have less sexual urges. I've also theorized that maybe, somewhere deep inside my subconscious, I equate wanting to feel submissive and small to being a woman. I do have a block of time that I can devote to wearing for awhile, it just feels so uncomfortable doing it in my house with my mother and brother around. God, if they saw me, I would be so turned off. I'm actually out to both of them though lol. If I ever get my own place, I'll probably dress a lot of the time.

[Ninna]

Well, I thnk I can understand you a lot! My favorite femme clothes are hosiery, I really obsses with this item, when I was a little, I use to steal the pantyhose of my mom! the time pass and sometimes I cannot focus in other things, thinking in wear hose all the time, I really like all the things that make me feel girly, like makeup, clothes, even perfume, when I start to live alone, I decide to start my femme jounrey, and buy all the girl things that I want, the I start go to work with panties and hosiery hidden in my male outfit, and now I do all days, with the time this things start to became a normal things at you're life and you can focus in all the things without problems, maybe we have different crossdressers feelings, but I think its important that you realx and enjoy the panties and the heels!

[mikeyp]

I agree with Lori. I used to worry about myself, why I am aroused by crossdressing and certain items of women's wear. Once I accepted that that's just how I am, I really enjoyed it without the emotional pain that used to accompany it: guilt and shame, followed by purges. It's still a personal and private thing, with no need to publicly declare that I'm a CDer. Now I am able to compartmentalize my crossdressing. When the urge and the opportunity meet, I'm all in. After, I put it away and get on with my life as a guy, husband, father, sportsman, handyman, provider, etc. Until urge and opportunity meet again.
Where did that acceptance come from? For me, I was always interested in an academic sense (in addition to the physical, sexual sense, obviously) to crossdressing and fetishes that drive my crossdressing. So I read all I could find, and the one thing that I soon realized was that I was not alone. There are LOTS of us out there, which told me that I'm not a freak, and that we can live "otherwise" normal lives. Relax and enjoy.

I think another part of the reason why this is so compulsive for me is because my father always tried to raise me to be VERY masculine. He's an extremely masculine, cold, muslim guy. Every time I get these thoughts, I think of him shaking his head at me and never talking to me again. Another part of me also feels like nobody will ever actually indulge in my fantasy, at least not without money. A normal guy can at least abstain from masturbating in the hopes of getting a woman to have sex with him. I can't.

My fantasies don't really involve "seeing" myself in a female form though, moreso of me being an "invisible" character without a name, forced to partake in stereotypical hyper feminine activities, while also wearing some really ****ty clothing . Basically, it involves a pretty woman literally stripping me of my masculinity. For me, I don't think it's so much that when I see a pretty woman I want to be her, but moreso that I want her to strip me of my manhood. The hotter the woman, the more intense the orgasm.

It actually is starting to make sense to me now why I loved being rejected by hot girls so much. The control they have is so sexy to me. Rejection is actually what triggered this desire inside of me. It's almost like, at some point in my life, an attractive woman made me feel like hell about myself and I internalized that anxiety into arousal. Of course, trying to rationalize this isn't helping my situation, and I wanted to become a psychologist someday

[Isabella Ross]

Mikey...if you read Eve's post, that's a mirror image of my situation, right down to the age when I started accepting myself, etc. The relief and the shedding of guilt and shame that gradually happened after that point was amazing. All I can really add is that, like many other older girls here, I bottled up the same feelings you're going through right now for two more decades. So I urge you to continue the path you're on...figure this out NOW instead of twenty years from now.

[Elli87]

yup I used to feel allot of guilt like that, but eventually It grows old and you grow out of it, I had the help of a gender therapist and lots and lots of research. There other ways that people get their kicks that make our little thing look very much like normal. I had these mantra/questions.

Does it feel good? yes
Is it hurting anybody? no
am I hurting myself ? no

Oh OK well i guess it's alright.

If your a very religious person "Abrahamic" Than as long as your not doing it for idol worship or to be illicit with a married person or someone other than your partner, gesundheit your doing all right.

that's the helpful stuff I can give you from my experience

[mikeyp]

Saw my therapist for the third time today. Honestly, she's really helping me accept this side of myself. Basically, she said that there are tons of men who like the same things I like, and they can still be men. Being submissive is no shameful, etc. She did say however that since compulsive masturbation occupies my life I need to force myself to get out of the house and socialize, being aroused all of the time isn't really ideal. We basically made a "budget" time for masturbation, where basically I'll dedicate 2 or so hours to femming up and fantasizing/jerking it.

Immediately after spilling my guts out to her, I felt A LOT less anxious, and as a result I experienced relief for quite awhile. So there is hope for me! Thanks for all of the responses, I know that this is gonna be a long battle with OCD and addictions for me, because if it isn't one addiction and obsession, it's the next. I know that this will last my whole lifetime, but I just need to get over the anxiety of the situation! Reading stuff online added SO much fuel to the fire honestly. I probably wouldn't have been half as obsessive as I am now if I hadn't read 324234 articles on my "condition".

Ideally, my comfort zone so far with this is to get home after a long day and jerk off, that's pretty much my comfort zone. Will it change over time? Who knows? Guess I'll just take it as it comes. Thanks guys. I've also noticed that I start obsessing over things(not just this) when I'm isolated, which I have been for pretty much 6 years.