Guilt!

[Millie.Graham]

The counter point to Freedom.

Only a few short days later and I am home (Happy to be here. I love my family, I am a home body, this is where I belong) and I am racked with guilt. I know my wife loves me unconditionally, but I also know that she would be very happy if this part of my life didn't exist. Even though we are in a DADT, our relationship is based on solid communication and I let her know that I got something (the dress in the topic "Freedom!") on my trip and that I was committing to living this part of my life when I can, out of sight her and the family. She is okay with that decision but I find myself feeling guilty because I know I have disappointed the person who is most important to me on this earth.

This is rhetorical... But, why does this hobby / life style of ours come with some much emotional baggage? It is at times, okay most of the time, an emotional wrecking ball to contend with. Not that I would change who I am, but I don't think I would ever wish being gender confused on my worst enemy.

Just venting a bit,

Millie

PS: I attempted to post a variant of this message a little while ago and it seems to have disappeared into the ether, so if it does show up, my apologies for a double posting.

[Robin414]

Good topic Millie, I know what you mean! I think it stems from the overall 'acceptance' by society in general (lack of rather) making us feel internal guilt.

[Kelly DeWinter]

In my experience the emotional baggage only occurred when I did not accept who I was as a person. Once I allowed myself to just be myself, the emotional baggage dissipated.

[docrobbysherry]

Once u learn to accept what u do yourself, Millie, the rest of it becomes a lot easier!

(PS: I'm still working on that part myself!)

[JeanetteX]

I know its easy to say Millie, but we just have to accept who we are and what we do. Once that acceptance has set in you will feel a lot happier. Besides you dont need to feel guilty at all, after all you are honest and even decent enough for letting your wife know. And isn't honesty something that a good relationship is built on? Good luck with everything girl

[Claire Cook]

Hi Millie,

Sometimes I think the guilt baggage -- whether it includes the women we live with or not -- is one the major things we face. Some of this is probably the result of the way we have been conditioned by society -- both us and our spouses / SO's. When we -- and our mates -- accept who we are, it is a big relief. But like Jeannette said, this is so much easier said than done.

[Marcelle]

Hi Millie,

It is indeed a double edge sword we wield in that most of us feel compelled to do this but knowing it could be hurting the ones we love. The alternative is to cease doing it (which seldom works as evidenced here) only become emotionally distraught ourselves which will then bleed out into the relationship in other ways (anger, resentment, depression) alas . . . hurting the ones we love. IMHO the best you can do is carve out what works for you and your family, own it, embrace it and balance your life. Once you reach this point, it should get easier.

Cheers

Isha

[trishacd]

Get over the guilt. Your not hurting anyone.I told my wife im not ashamed of being a cd.I do respect her feelings very much but anyone who is a crossdresser knows it impossible to get it out of your system.Id rather be hooked on dressing as a woman than being hooked on drugs

[Chrissy1966]

My guilt.....and all of the added emotional (and physical) baggage that comes along for the ride......came from hiding it from my SO for so many years. I came out, she's cool with it, supportive...etc.....and the guilt has washed away.

If you have the support of your SO, that's all that matters. Whether or not it's DADT, doesn't matter. If you're staying within the guidelines that you've both agreed on, have fun. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Hang in there. It will get better.

[St. Eve]

Hi Millie

Thanks so much for venting. My situation is almost exactly the same. I am just back today from a 4 day business trip. I spent several hours dressed and a few hours shopping, buying my first pair of shoes and a couple of skirts from Target. My SO and I have the following agreement: when in her presence, I will be wearing zero female clothes, seen or unseen - when out of her presence, my choice. I love her for making a clear boundary of what she needs and for not expecting me to put away this very important part of me, and, sometimes I feel guilt. Sometimes the longing to include my best friend in this part of my authentic truth just feels too big...

Also, for me, I have finally come to peace that this is NOT just a hobby or life style, this desire/longing/need to present femaleness into the world is an authentic, essential part of me that has been there for as long as I can remember. This realization has helped a lot.

Sharing also helps, thanks for sharing your experience.

Peace
Eve

[deebra]

What you and your wife and a lot of other people don't realize is strangers neither of you know (designers/ manufacturers) have determined what clothes men and women should wear. Does it make good sense for you and your wife to accept this, including our stupid, stupid society.

[alwayshave]

The nuns I had in grade school effectively introduced guilt into my subconscious that will never truly leave. However, I have an accepting SO who says you are not hurting me, our relationship, or any one else except the sensabilities of Arab cab drivers we occasionally get, so why do you feel guilty. She is of course right, but guilt is not always logical. I am getting better at letting it go.

[Elli87]

well sometimes life sucks, or as the Buddhists say life is suffering,

[Millie.Graham]

Hi,

Thank you all for replying to my venting. :-). I have been reading everybody's responses and would like to clarify a few things. First, I poorly chose the words "hobby / life style". I was going for trying to capture the range of motivations people have for being transgender. But, those words clearly imply a choice and I as many of you know this isn't really isn't a choice for most of us. We can choose to bottle it up and ignore it, but that usually comes at a price both emotionally and physically.

Which brings me to my next part, if I am reading responses correctly I think some of you are misinterpreting my source of guilt. I am not feeling guilt because of who I am (I.e. ashamed). I have wrestled with this for some time now and accept that it is a part of me. I am only beginning to explore this aspect of me and I am sure there are vast swaths of emotion yet to be discovered. While I think I have an idea, I really don't know where this road is going to take me. As Isha said, it's all about balance and that is what I am looking for.

My guilt as I said above doesn't come from shame of who I am, it comes from making a decision that dissapointed the person I care about most (I hope I have conveyed that thought more clearly this time, I am not sure I have). The decisions I make in life aren't made in a vacuum they affect my wife. While she will not agree with every decision that I make, nor I agree with every decision she makes. So there is some level of guilt when I make a decision that is contrary to that of my partner in life.

I am looking forward to this journey, even knowing that there probably going to be some significant pot holes along the way.

-Millie

[marshalynn]

How many of us woke up one morning an said, I think today would be a good day to be a CD or TS. I know, I never had this choice, I was born with this way of life, never had a chance to say no. Took me a very long time to under stand, had no choice. Now seventy-two years later, I am happy living my life 99% female and I had a choice to do this. I think once you under stand a little bit about your self and don't worry about what the world thinks, life is calm and happy..Marshalynn

[Katey888]

Millie - I think I can understand what you're saying...

I know for a fact there are others here who would echo your sentiments of feeling bad about disappointing their partners - it's also possible for those of us who have chosen NOT to tell to feel a similar aspect of guilt in keeping a secret but doing so because we have a good idea that any revelation would not be understood or accepted by our SOs. It's a conscious and calculated choice for me and while it plagues me on bad days, occasionally she'll let something slip that reminds me why I believe she wouldn't accept it.

This is rhetorical... But, why does this hobby / life style of ours come with some much emotional baggage? It is at times, okay most of the time, an emotional wrecking ball to contend with. Not that I would change who I am, but I don't think I would ever wish being gender confused on my worst enemy.

For some of us - perhaps not only the deep thinkers - gender confusion is a much more complex and difficult burden to live with than other aspects of sexuality or gender misalignment. Sometimes venting is all we can do about it - at times just finding a degree of balance across our differing facets of expression seems hard to achieve. For some it is a lifestyle choice and they shouldn't be upset by your choice of words; for those of us who believe that most of us don't have a choice but we are driven to seek this expression in search of balancing the male and female need in us, we understand that there is much more to this than just a bunch of nice clothes.

Enjoy your exploration - life is a journey...

Katey x

[LucyNewport]

The guilt I totally get. I have it as well. I think that for me it comes from a couple of different sources.

For starters, when we crossdress, we can feel tremendous shame about it because that is what society has taught us. Men should be strong, masculine and tough, right? The idea of manliness is that it is the opposite of womanhood. In that light, an affinity for delicate, pretty things makes you less than a man. This is an idea that is reinforced on all sides and by most people. This framework of thinking takes work to dismantle. An alternate mental structure that allows for feminine men must then be built up brick by brick.

There can also be an additional source of guilt: fear of the unknown. If you are closeted say, this could appear as a fear of being caught. What will your spouse think when they find out? Your kids? Friends? Employer? If you are relatively out, it could be fear of a progression. What if crossdressing is not enough? What if you discover that you are in fact a TS who has been managing your gender issues with cross-sex clothing? Is this a sign that things in your life will eventually fall apart?

Beating your guilt means a careful examination of who you are what you need, and what can be done about it. I'm still working on mine...

[Amy Fakley]

I can sort of relate to this. After my inadvertent reveal to my daughter, I had similar feelings. Not that she had any particular negative reaction to it (even months later, she's completely nonchalant).

But at the time, I felt like I had to push this down inside of me, to go back into hiding. It was a kind of self imposed guilt. I felt like, in every tiny little way that I accommodated my true self, that I was driving a wedge between myself and my daughter. As it turns out, that was a completely unfounded fear, but the guilt was the same sort of self-imposed prison you're describing.

Give it time, honey. Dont just give your wife the chance to process all this new information about you and make her peace with it (it sounds like she has started to), but ALSO give yourself time to come to terms with having a legitimate place in your life for this, and having another person in the world who knows.

I'd humbly suggest that DADT might be where yall end up, it shouldnt necessarily be where you start. I'm not saying to get all dressed up and put in her face obnoxuously, but I AM saying that you two shouldnt be afraid to discuss. Since you've already made the decision to come out ...

Bad things can fester in the shadows. Beautiful things can grow in the sunlight. The more you talk about it (calmly, constructively) the better.

Hang in there, girlfriend!

[Angela Marie]

Even with my wife knowing and generally supportive vestiges of guilt always remain. Catholic upbringing and societal expectations I guess. But I see even the Pope met with a transgender man. So there is always hope.

[Stephanie47]

I've been a crossdresser for more than fifty years. I went through the same emotional periods you are experiencing. Religious upbringing and societal norms made me question myself and racked me with guilt for many years. I did a self assessment of who I am and found if I am going to weigh everything in life, the scales weigh heavily that I am a great guy. Yes, I come with a little quirk. The emotional baggage is long gone. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage. Life would be a lot less complicated if I was not a cross dresser.

There is no reason you should feel guilty about who you are. I accept the premise my DNA made me this way. Sure, there should be a component of guilt if you are breaking the household budget because you're buying too many clothes. I'm sure your wife is also feeling some guilt as to whether or not she is providing all the support she can to help you be who you are. "Why I am not enough for him?" type of thoughts. "What's stopping me from interacting with his femme side/needs?"

I suspect some of your guilt is really fostered by some lingering non acceptance of yourself. I'm sure your subconscious is saying if you did not cross dress your marriage would otherwise be total bliss. It's OK to have some lingering doubts.

[Gladys]

I too sometimes think about the morality of crossdressing and a couple other of my kinks. I have never done anything wrong with another woman and have been married 45 years. To put things in perspective, I think of what I was taught about God. All knowing, all loving, maker of the universe. These concepts are beyond our understanding. Then I think of this all knowing entity looking at me crossdressed or doing something we think is kinky. I think he/she has a lot of ground to cover and would just smile and say; "When I created these humans, I never thought they would be so interesting".

[Candice June Lee]

We all have a common thing that effects each and every one of us. Society and some one else that had determined what is and isn't correct. Some items of the mind just aren't as black and white as it is read out to be. Yes there is the bible and its teachings. Buddha and his, confusious, zen, Shinto and all that. But we are left still with a person's interpretation of those. This in history had determined what is and isn't right. But is it right? In those teachings that have and are handed down from generation to generation have the makings of us feeling guilty. As time had gone by, things that were taboo now are not so much. Like tattoos, ear piercings, types of clothing. In the clothing department men wore skimpy bathing suits and women more coverage. Now it's opposite. So we don't really know how we should feel. As a kid we had shorts, that were short. Today a guy wears shirts that go past the knee. I hate them.
But as to the main reason of this posting, guilt I think is in the holder of it based on the teaching given as a child and society as a whole. It will change eventually.

[Tina_gm]

I do not have any guilt for who I am myself, but that I was not honest about myself with my wife. Even though I like many aren't always fully aware of how far they really are with it all, I still knew and had desires to dress and had done so on a few occasions. My guilt is that I created a very unfair situation for my wife, marrying a CDer without her knowing so.

[HollyGreene]

My guilt was only that I was keeping it a secret from my wife.
When I finally told her, it was a great weight off my shoulders in that respect.
The emotional baggage changed then, of course, but it was no longer guilt. Probably fear at first (that she might leave me).
Now there's just a slight bit of tension when there's any danger of the DADT being breached, but we usually quickly get to a neutral ground if that happens.

[Elli87]

I don't really feel guilt any more, just imagine one of those out of control little girls on the Jerry Springer or rikki lake, I think all of us need to find our inner one of those girls, I don't mean that in a negative context I"m just saying what ever I do what I want.