Who-I-am vs. What-I-like

[ReineD]

Obviously, what I am about to type does not apply to Transsexuals.

I've noticed many CDers refer to CDing activities as "Who I am". This is confusing to me, because in this forum, "Who I am" generally refers to gender identity. We certainly have no lack of threads debating this issue and the associated labels.

But when I read a person describe in the CD section having sex with their wives while dressed or going out shopping while dressed as "Who I Am", I never know if they are transitioning but posting in the CD section anyway, or if fundamentally they have chosen to live as men all while enjoying CDing activities.

There are lots of things we all like to do, all kinds of preferences sexual and non-sexual that we all have, for things like what floats our boat in the bedroom, or different types of food, the type of art, music, books, movies, etc we enjoy, sports or other hobbies like collecting stuff we may be into, where we like to travel, and often we are passionate about these things and they are priorities in our lives, even collecting designer clothing and shoes. I suppose we could say that doing these things is who we are but if we use this language, then how do we differentiate in this forum between a preferred activity that makes us feel good and a fundamental gender identity?

Another way to look at my question is, why would a person who lives as a man and has no plans to transition, believe that the enjoyment of dressing as a woman and/or having sex dressed as a woman makes him a woman (which is what I deduce when I read "this is who I am"). Unless "Who I am" means "crossdresser?

[TrishaTX]

For me it is part of my life...one I hid a long time. It is not something I like but it is part of me. So it is who I am . I am a man 95% of the time...but then that 5% comes and I almost need to do it. I love the feel and the look and most of all I enjoy the day knowing I am going to do it. Especially when I am with my wife. So for me it is part of who I am , along with my family life, job, music I love and feed I eat.

[ReineD]

Bear with me txcrossdress, but I take it you mean the crossdressing is a part of you? So when you say "this is who I am", do you mean "I am a woman", or "I am a crossdresser".

I've been getting confused, because most CDers who do not plan on transitioning do dress as women, and so when they say "this is who I am", I am unsure whether they take it they are women or if they really mean "crossdresser". If this makes sense.


Edit - to repeat, this does not apply to transitioners obviously, who do identify as women. My question is directed to those of you who have chosen to live as men.

[Billie Jean]

For me that means crossdresser. Billie Jean

[mechamoose]

I crossdress to feel more like myself. I like pretty things, and I enjoy wearing them. Male clothing is all very dull to me.

Perhaps that people expressing 'this is who I am' are expressing a *facet* of who they are. I'm lucky enough to be able to do that most of the time. If you came up to one of these cd-ing males at the right time, they might identify as a football player, because that is what they are doing at the time.

Just a thought.

- MM

[Tracii G]

Maybe they are referring to being a crossdresser.
When I say this is who I am I guess it just means just not being in the norm.
I do wear womens clothes every day and present somewhere in between the genders,some days more female than male or more male than female just depending on how I feel that day.

[Alice_2014_B]

Quoting another, "its part of who I am".
I would dress up A LOT more if my wife liked it more or if I were single.
She probably wouldn't mind if I dressed more, haven't asked.

[Allisa]

This is" who I am", is a crossdresser i.e. a male who has an affirmation for wearing womens clothing, and doing "what I like" in a feminine manor in as much as I can. I also believe that I have both male and female inclinations that I act on but that does not make me a woman or feel as one although I enjoy the feeling of "being me". I don't know if this answers your question but maybe helps with some insight or makes it worse.

[TrishaTX]

Bear with me txcrossdress, but I take it you mean the crossdressing is a part of you? So when you say "this is who I am", do you mean "I am a woman", or "I am a crossdresser".

Indeed I am a crossdresser not a individual who is transitioning.....That is who I am and a guy too!

[Kandi Robbins]

For almost 50 years I denied that I was a crossdresser. "This was the last time", "I'll never do this again!".

So recently, I realized who I am: a crossdresser. Once I realized "who I am", I have never been happier.

Not sure what is confusing about that. Who I am is also a father, is also a husband, is also a brother, is also a son. We are all many things, nothing is black and white.

[sometimes_miss]

how do we differentiate in this forum between a preferred activity that makes us feel good and a fundamental gender identity?

Until you know why they desire to behave and/or dress as someone of the opposite gender, you can't. There are, because of societal pressures, a huge number of men who cannot even consider the possibility that they are gay/bi/TS to themselves, much less anyone else. And it's going to be hard to 1. figure out why they feel this way, and 2. address it. Because if it is something such as one of the three above, they will most likely lose their wife/SO, and potentially a whole lot else. When I first came here, one of my goals was to introduce the concept of introspection to the masses, and hopefully get those who were confused to be able to figure out what was going on in their head. I had wasted decades of my life not understanding myself, and know the damage it caused. But the more I read, the more I understand that society, and most importantly women, are not ready to accept men who have any desire to behave in feminine ways, either dressing, sexually, or god forbid they aren't the fearless warriors that women want us to be. It's going to take a few generations of girls growing up believing that this type of behavior is appropriate for a guy for it to become common and acceptable to even a slight percentage. Some of our attraction to each other is hard wired; it's been found that women are more attracted to alpha male traits when ovulating, and more attracted to what makes a good daddy when she is not. It turns out that there is something physical going on there. We got scientific, and studied all this stuff. And we don't necessarily like what we're finding out. So, many here don't want to know. They chalk it up to 'born this way' create a fictional alternate personality to blame the female feeling on, and leave it at that, and try to have as normal a life as they can, because they really don't feel like they have any other option.

[Samantha2015]

Reine, I don't think I'm a woman or would even know what that feels like even when dressed.
I feel maybe more feminine and I really like all the associated female accessories.
I think CDing is a part of who I am, a small part but it's there. When I transform into
Samantha I feel good like when you meet an old friend. But I never say this is the real me.
Part of me? I guess so and that's probably all she will ever be. Don't know if I answered your
question or not but that's what I feel about my CDing.

[NicoleScott]

I don't recall ever saying "who I am", but who I am is a crossdresser, a guy all the way who likes to dress up. Even when I am not crossdressed, I'm still a crossdresser. If not, why is this guy browsing the internet for wigs and high heels (in his size)?

Reine, I agree with you (a different thread) that to communicate better both here and outside we should describe what we do rather than use words that mean very different things to people, like transgender or worse, trans.

[justmetoo]

Hmmm, I guess crossdressing is something I do, but who I am includes a part that is traditionally "feminine" (but not female). When I do the crossdressing I'm expressing part of who I am. If that makes sense...
(in some ways it seems similar to me to the distinction between reading books and being a reader - it's an inherent part of what makes me me. I read therefore I am? But seriously, it's not just that I read a book occasionally. Sooner or later I would feel lost or incomplete if I didn't have books to read.)

[Jenniferathome]

... Unless "Who I am" means "crossdresser?

Boring but true. I am a lot of things and cross dresser is just one of those. I'm not a woman, ever. So why would I cross dress then? Because it's who I am.

[ReineD]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I guess I've been misreading the statement "This is who I am" for many years. I've been defining the "this" for "a woman"

Not sure what is confusing about that. Who I am is also a father, is also a husband, is also a brother, is also a son. We are all many things, nothing is black and white.

Thanks for asking. I have many different roles in life too.

It has been confusing because I'm looking at it as an outsider who only sees the image presented to me, I cannot see inside. And so when a person who presents as a woman says, "This is who I am", it is unclear to me if they feel they are a woman, especially in this forum where gender issues are at the forefront of many discussions. Plus, there are CDers who say they enjoy "being a woman" when dressed, and it is hard for me to know what they mean, exactly, when they choose to live as men and they do not plan on transition. Maybe it would be more accurate to say they enjoy dressing or presenting as a woman rather than being one?

[Teresa]

Reine,
We've just had this interchange in my current thread.
The need to share with a woman both as a companion and sexually so what does that make me ? It's not normal male behavior so what inside me wants to act in that way ? I'm still the same being but that female trait is making me behave in a different way ! As I said in my thread , " It's more than CDing !" just wearing the clothes is not what it's all about ! If it's an accepted term which is often used of male lesbian , some don't like it but it appears to be an apt label .

[Jenniferathome]

...Maybe it would be more accurate to say they enjoy dressing or presenting as a woman rather than being one?

For sure that's true for me.

[Taylor186]

For me being a crossdresser is one inescapable part of who I am. But I never think of myself as a woman, even when fully dressed and trying to present and be received in a feminine way.

[kimdl93]

Recall the NYTimes article you posted earlier today? It confirmed a commonly recognized conception of the cross dressing spectrum...that there is a broad range of variation from identifying as solely male, solely female and all points in between. And it seems that these differences are distinguishable in MRIs. It seems to me that if a nontransitioner makes the declaration that 'this is who I am", "this" may be anywhere along that spectrum

It seems equally likely that for even the most casual dresser, we all are wired, to a lesser or greater extent to like what we like and in that sense what we like is who we are.

.

[Kate Simmons]

Hopefully I've never misrepresented myself. I'm definitely a man who loves to express myself by dancing and performing en femme. That's the way it has settled out for me.

[Sarasometimes]

I'm in with Jennifer and Nicole, a male who crossdresses because he likes to express himself that way at times and has no desire to change genders. I also like the term gender-non-conforming and gender fluid.

Reined, I see where you get confused and I too sometimes wonder if a poster is a CD posting in this section or not. Good thread, Thx

[Rhonda Jean]

I've personally played both sides of the "who I am vs. what I like" card, depending on what I wanted. When I was married, for years (decades) I was all about the who-I-am/born this way... in other words, I can't help it. It's not my fault. I have to do it.

I was way the hell out there, in crossdresser terms. Then came the day when my wife announced she could no longer tolerate being married to a woman. Then the furious backpedaling started. Suddenly I was trying to play the "It's just what I do" card. But, there was no convincing her. I had apparently done such a thorough job of convincing her that this was "the way I am" that it was impossible to undo.

So, which was the truth? Now 8 years hence, I'm still not sure. I'm still not going to transition, so the "who I am doesn't extend that deeply. Yet it's not as simple as "what I like", either. Although I still think it would be possible to quit, it's not as simple as quitting other things I simply "like". I'll never understand it. It's a continuous evolution for me in many ways, yet I don't know that I'm any more (or less) comfortable with it than I was when I was 13, or 20, or 40.

For the most part, including in my own life, I think the "who I am" card is over played. It makes it seem less of a choice, therefore les of something we can be blamed for. Yet at the same time it's less of a matter of simply being "something I like" (thereby indicating that it's totally a matter of choice) than I indicated when I was doing my backpedaling.

All that said, I still haven't answered your question. Seems like it should be more simple. It's just not.

[AletaHawk]

For almost 50 years I denied that I was a crossdresser. "This was the last time", "I'll never do this again!".

So recently, I realized who I am: a crossdresser. Once I realized "who I am", I have never been happier.

Not sure what is confusing about that. Who I am is also a father, is also a husband, is also a brother, is also a son. We are all many things, nothing is black and white.

This mirrors a lot of how I've felt, including recently. Accepting myself and my gender fluidity, even if I'm closeted, made a massive difference for me emotionally. Unfortunately, acceptance for me was a double-edged sword. I'm happier that I know the source of so much of my depression and anger and can address it, but being forcibly closeted due to life gives me a whole new reason to be depressed and angry.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's about fantasy. When we visit this forum we can extend the fantasy to an approximation of the outside world. Here we can 'be' what we fantasise, suspend reality, and pretend...for a while...that we really are women.

This is also why so many here avoid at all costs words like penis and scrotum, coyly referring instead to 'the boys' or 'my man bits'.

Fantasy is good, up to a point. It's a pressure release, a harmless means of balancing the imbalances; expressing suppressed feelings. It isn't as if we hear voices telling us we're female. We know we're men, but that doesn't mean we want to be men all the time.

Reine, do you think it's reverse penis envy? I don't think Freud had a term for that did he?