Who-I-am vs. What-I-like

[ReineD]

Obviously, what I am about to type does not apply to Transsexuals.

I've noticed many CDers refer to CDing activities as "Who I am". This is confusing to me, because in this forum, "Who I am" generally refers to gender identity. We certainly have no lack of threads debating this issue and the associated labels.

But when I read a person describe in the CD section having sex with their wives while dressed or going out shopping while dressed as "Who I Am", I never know if they are transitioning but posting in the CD section anyway, or if fundamentally they have chosen to live as men all while enjoying CDing activities.

There are lots of things we all like to do, all kinds of preferences sexual and non-sexual that we all have, for things like what floats our boat in the bedroom, or different types of food, the type of art, music, books, movies, etc we enjoy, sports or other hobbies like collecting stuff we may be into, where we like to travel, and often we are passionate about these things and they are priorities in our lives, even collecting designer clothing and shoes. I suppose we could say that doing these things is who we are but if we use this language, then how do we differentiate in this forum between a preferred activity that makes us feel good and a fundamental gender identity?

Another way to look at my question is, why would a person who lives as a man and has no plans to transition, believe that the enjoyment of dressing as a woman and/or having sex dressed as a woman makes him a woman (which is what I deduce when I read "this is who I am"). Unless "Who I am" means "crossdresser?

[TrishaTX]

For me it is part of my life...one I hid a long time. It is not something I like but it is part of me. So it is who I am . I am a man 95% of the time...but then that 5% comes and I almost need to do it. I love the feel and the look and most of all I enjoy the day knowing I am going to do it. Especially when I am with my wife. So for me it is part of who I am , along with my family life, job, music I love and feed I eat.

[ReineD]

Bear with me txcrossdress, but I take it you mean the crossdressing is a part of you? So when you say "this is who I am", do you mean "I am a woman", or "I am a crossdresser".

I've been getting confused, because most CDers who do not plan on transitioning do dress as women, and so when they say "this is who I am", I am unsure whether they take it they are women or if they really mean "crossdresser". If this makes sense.


Edit - to repeat, this does not apply to transitioners obviously, who do identify as women. My question is directed to those of you who have chosen to live as men.

[Billie Jean]

For me that means crossdresser. Billie Jean

[mechamoose]

I crossdress to feel more like myself. I like pretty things, and I enjoy wearing them. Male clothing is all very dull to me.

Perhaps that people expressing 'this is who I am' are expressing a *facet* of who they are. I'm lucky enough to be able to do that most of the time. If you came up to one of these cd-ing males at the right time, they might identify as a football player, because that is what they are doing at the time.

Just a thought.

- MM

[LucyNewport]

After much self analysis, and several months on a therapists couch, I have finally been able to admit what I am. It has been a long road of self acceptance. I have had to overcome my self-loathing, fear and guilt to get here. So when I say "this is who I am" what I mean is "I really am a woman". What I do (tuck the junk, pull on a skirt, put on my face etc) is just a imperfect way to show who I really am to world.

Before this realization, the phrase would mean "I am a femmy guy who needs to look like this for some reason".

[cdterri]

Krisi kind if said it. Use part of "who I am" and the bases are covered

[Jazzy Jaz]

I think for some its the fluctuation of gender that is the "this". I for the most part dont fluctuate, i am fairly steady in my gender balance so its just the mix of gender thats the "this" for me. Its like men are cold and women are hot. Im some variation of warm. Because im made up of both hot and cold i have access to both and can relate/feel like both. Although im steady sometimes i can feel more hot or more cold for whatever reason. On a hot day warm water can feel cool and on a cold day warm water can feel like a nice blanket. I dont know what its like to be scorching hot like women, but i also dont know what its like to be freezing cold like men, im just simply warm. This is who I am.

[Tracii G]

Maybe they are referring to being a crossdresser.
When I say this is who I am I guess it just means just not being in the norm.
I do wear womens clothes every day and present somewhere in between the genders,some days more female than male or more male than female just depending on how I feel that day.

[TrishaTX]

Bear with me txcrossdress, but I take it you mean the crossdressing is a part of you? So when you say "this is who I am", do you mean "I am a woman", or "I am a crossdresser".

Indeed I am a crossdresser not a individual who is transitioning.....That is who I am and a guy too!

[Marcelle]

Hi Reine,

Interesting thread. Well, I have flipped flopped across this field for some time since I arrived at this site. If you read older posts I was vehement about the fact I was first and foremost a guy, dude, bloke, man . . . etc. etc. (in my best Yul Brenner voice ). Of course states of being when it comes to GID are never static until you arrive at where you are going. So now I can say with some clarity I am genetically a man who happens to know at times he is a woman irrespective of whether I am completely made up (wig, make-up, clothes) or standing there in all my maleness. The body may not be female but the mindset (at those times) is definitely a woman. Now to confuse you even more there are times when I do not feel like a woman at all and only see the man. Is this my end game? Not sure, I can only walk this path until it ends.

Cheers

Isha

[Meghan4now]

Reine,

I think many crossdressers have some existential angst. A wise man once taught me that three questions are being asked here, and most people never get to Who Am I. That is an intrinsically difficult question that require serious reflection and meditation.

The first question is where am I. This is really what my situation is. I am married. I am an engineer. I go out dressed as a woman once a month, etc. This is easy to identify, but our situations do not entirely define our internal being. They have influence, or are the result of who we are, but don't really define us.

The second question is closer. How am I? This is how do I deal with life. How do I see life. How do I react. How do I treat others. How do I treat myself. It takes a while to honestly figure this out. How am I may or may not always reflect who I am, but over time can shift or greatly impact who I am. And if how I am is not in concert with who I am, we take great chances of creating a troubled sense of being, and risk serious emotional and psychological unhealth.

Who I am is far deeper, and may trancend the other two question. I found my answer is that even at 50 I am Someone's child, and the other part is the meaning of my male name. Those who know me well, and are scholarly can figure that one out.

Love,

[Alice_2014_B]

Quoting another, "its part of who I am".
I would dress up A LOT more if my wife liked it more or if I were single.
She probably wouldn't mind if I dressed more, haven't asked.

[Allisa]

This is" who I am", is a crossdresser i.e. a male who has an affirmation for wearing womens clothing, and doing "what I like" in a feminine manor in as much as I can. I also believe that I have both male and female inclinations that I act on but that does not make me a woman or feel as one although I enjoy the feeling of "being me". I don't know if this answers your question but maybe helps with some insight or makes it worse.

[Samantha2015]

Reine, I don't think I'm a woman or would even know what that feels like even when dressed.
I feel maybe more feminine and I really like all the associated female accessories.
I think CDing is a part of who I am, a small part but it's there. When I transform into
Samantha I feel good like when you meet an old friend. But I never say this is the real me.
Part of me? I guess so and that's probably all she will ever be. Don't know if I answered your
question or not but that's what I feel about my CDing.

[Kandi Robbins]

For almost 50 years I denied that I was a crossdresser. "This was the last time", "I'll never do this again!".

So recently, I realized who I am: a crossdresser. Once I realized "who I am", I have never been happier.

Not sure what is confusing about that. Who I am is also a father, is also a husband, is also a brother, is also a son. We are all many things, nothing is black and white.

[ReineD]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I guess I've been misreading the statement "This is who I am" for many years. I've been defining the "this" for "a woman"

Not sure what is confusing about that. Who I am is also a father, is also a husband, is also a brother, is also a son. We are all many things, nothing is black and white.

Thanks for asking. I have many different roles in life too.

It has been confusing because I'm looking at it as an outsider who only sees the image presented to me, I cannot see inside. And so when a person who presents as a woman says, "This is who I am", it is unclear to me if they feel they are a woman, especially in this forum where gender issues are at the forefront of many discussions. Plus, there are CDers who say they enjoy "being a woman" when dressed, and it is hard for me to know what they mean, exactly, when they choose to live as men and they do not plan on transition. Maybe it would be more accurate to say they enjoy dressing or presenting as a woman rather than being one?

[Jenniferathome]

...Maybe it would be more accurate to say they enjoy dressing or presenting as a woman rather than being one?

For sure that's true for me.

[Taylor186]

For me being a crossdresser is one inescapable part of who I am. But I never think of myself as a woman, even when fully dressed and trying to present and be received in a feminine way.

[Jazzy Jaz]

For those of us who are a mix of both genders its not crossdressing that is a part of who we are, its being a woman (and a man) that is part of who we are. I am part woman whether im wearing a dress or in jeans and a shirt painting the bathroom. Sure when someone is asked to describe who someone is thats seen on the street most will say thats a man/woman, boy/girl etc. However, if the male bodied masculine dressing person they are seeing is a closeted ts then they are actually seeing a woman, they just dont see it and a man is totally not who that person is. I think this is where the public gets confuzed about the difference between sex and gender. For people who are mixed gender, woman and man are both a part of who we are no matter what we're wearing or how we look to a stranger.

[AletaHawk]

For almost 50 years I denied that I was a crossdresser. "This was the last time", "I'll never do this again!".

So recently, I realized who I am: a crossdresser. Once I realized "who I am", I have never been happier.

Not sure what is confusing about that. Who I am is also a father, is also a husband, is also a brother, is also a son. We are all many things, nothing is black and white.

This mirrors a lot of how I've felt, including recently. Accepting myself and my gender fluidity, even if I'm closeted, made a massive difference for me emotionally. Unfortunately, acceptance for me was a double-edged sword. I'm happier that I know the source of so much of my depression and anger and can address it, but being forcibly closeted due to life gives me a whole new reason to be depressed and angry.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Reading through all of the responses I think the general pattern is one where "who I am" = a man who enjoys dressing as a woman, but the reasons for that enjoyment vary from person to person. For some it's the creative, artistic aspects, some it's the comfort or fashion aspects of women's clothing, and for some it's the expression of an inner feminine aspect to personality. Admittedly, addressing the question of "Who am I?" is difficult because identity is rather intangible and one can easily create a fictitious component to identity just through desire/wishful thinking. I think the most objective method to assessing one's identity is to measure it by what one does or doesn't do. For example, I can tell myself I am a marathon runner, but if I never train or participate in marathons then that identity is a lie. Conversely, if I wear dresses, wigs, make-up, etc., then by proof of action I am a cross dresser even if I don't want to admit it to myself (not that I ever had that problem myself).

Bridget

[mechamoose]

I'm 'complicated'.

I'm 50/50 girl/boy, 50/50 gay/straight, 50/50 Dad/Mom. I am willing to adjust those ratios based on who I am with as appropriate. Friends? They accept me and endlessly rib me over my girlyness. They love me, and I detect not an ounce of cruelty in that ribbing.

At the market? I'm sure I am confusing as hell.

Professionally? Incompatible. They want GIRL or BOY, and have a really hard time with middle ground.

At home? I'm the wife.

How much of this is personality? How much is clothing? How much is desire?

This whole journey is all about how we figure out who we are, and what praise or criticism we get is entirely dependent upon the audience.

- MM

[sometimes_miss]

how do we differentiate in this forum between a preferred activity that makes us feel good and a fundamental gender identity?

Until you know why they desire to behave and/or dress as someone of the opposite gender, you can't. There are, because of societal pressures, a huge number of men who cannot even consider the possibility that they are gay/bi/TS to themselves, much less anyone else. And it's going to be hard to 1. figure out why they feel this way, and 2. address it. Because if it is something such as one of the three above, they will most likely lose their wife/SO, and potentially a whole lot else. When I first came here, one of my goals was to introduce the concept of introspection to the masses, and hopefully get those who were confused to be able to figure out what was going on in their head. I had wasted decades of my life not understanding myself, and know the damage it caused. But the more I read, the more I understand that society, and most importantly women, are not ready to accept men who have any desire to behave in feminine ways, either dressing, sexually, or god forbid they aren't the fearless warriors that women want us to be. It's going to take a few generations of girls growing up believing that this type of behavior is appropriate for a guy for it to become common and acceptable to even a slight percentage. Some of our attraction to each other is hard wired; it's been found that women are more attracted to alpha male traits when ovulating, and more attracted to what makes a good daddy when she is not. It turns out that there is something physical going on there. We got scientific, and studied all this stuff. And we don't necessarily like what we're finding out. So, many here don't want to know. They chalk it up to 'born this way' create a fictional alternate personality to blame the female feeling on, and leave it at that, and try to have as normal a life as they can, because they really don't feel like they have any other option.

[NicoleScott]

I don't recall ever saying "who I am", but who I am is a crossdresser, a guy all the way who likes to dress up. Even when I am not crossdressed, I'm still a crossdresser. If not, why is this guy browsing the internet for wigs and high heels (in his size)?

Reine, I agree with you (a different thread) that to communicate better both here and outside we should describe what we do rather than use words that mean very different things to people, like transgender or worse, trans.