Hi All. I am the girlfriend of a male CD. I love him so, so much but at the same time am overwhelmed with fear of his urge to CD. To give you some history on myself, this is the first person I've dated after getting out of an abusive relationship. My abusive ex came out to me as Transgender and I do believe that although I try not to, I am now associating my new boyfriend with my old one because of this. When my new boyfriend told me about his cross dressing, I immediately went back to that dark place in my past with my abusive, transgender ex. He used to dress up as a woman and rape me, so I have some really awful PTSD surrounding this.

When I first started dating my current boyfriend, he told me pretty early on about his cross dressing, which I admire him for. The thing is though, is when he first told me about it he made it sound like it was all very casual and that he only did it every once in a while. However, the more I've gotten to know him the more terrified I am that this is a serious addiction. He goes through cycles where he will literally spend thousands of dollars on female clothes and wigs (he cannot settle for anything but the best, he buys himself Christian Loubiton heels) and then he throws them all away after a couple months. All he ever seems to talk about is dressing up. When we are out and about, we constantly find ourselves in malls in the women's shoe section where he will try on a pair of heels then walk out without buying them. Every shop window with women's clothing on display I catch him longingly staring through the window as we walk by. Every conversation we have ends up on cross dressing. He seems to be thinking about it all the time. What really scares me is that he recently told me that if he bought all those female clothes and things he wants, he would just sit in his room all day and masturbate and "not get anything productive done". That to me is HUGE red flag. That signifies a serious addiction to me. I don't even feel like I am needed at this point. What would he need me for when he can dress himself up and get off on that? I am sorry, I am really not trying to be disrespectful I just don't understand.

I sometimes feel that he is using me as an outlet for all the urges he is suppressing. He hasn't dressed up in a while so I know the urges must be powerful. He is always asking me to wear the things he is really into wearing himself when he does dress up. He is always trying to buy me fishnets and stockings, garter belts, high heels....and I can't help but feel like I am his dress up doll. We often get halfway into sex and he wants to stop and have me put tights on. I am afraid that this is a sign he isn't attracted to me as just me and needs those extras to be able to finish. A lot of the time he can't even finish inside me, and has to masturbate on top of me to be able to come. I don't know what this means but to me it seems like another sign I'm just not stimulating enough for him. All in all, I feel awful about myself.

This man is everything I could have ever hoped for in a partner. He is so nice and considerate, he is handsome and a musician (which I've always had a thing for). We have a lot of things in common and I do feel like he truly understands me. We have similar personalities and I enjoy that I don't always have to explain my way of thinking to him because he totally gets it, he thinks the same way. He is affectionate and polite, brings me on lots of nice dates and is great to be around. We have had many good times together, despite the depressing nature of this post.

I am so worried that this will open up all sorts of other doors for him, like it will start out as dressing up, but what if it ends with him transitioning? I know firsthand what it is like to invest your heart and soul into a relationship only to be blindsided by that. Admittedly, yes, it was an abusive relationship so I needed to get out anyway. But still. I cannot help that I was born a straight female, if I am going to commit to this relationship I want to know that it is going to be with a man, forever. I don't mind if he wants to transition, I want him to live authentically and be happy, but that means our relationship isn't going to work anymore.

I feel so helpless and lost. I am so scared and confused and feeling completely overwhelmed. I love him so much. There are times when I feel like I can be okay with him cross dressing, but then there are a lot of other times where I just don't know if I can handle it. I don't want to live my life in a constant state of anxiety. I want to have a healthy relationship. Please, can anybody help me understand? I am desperate for help. Any advice at all. What do I do?