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Thread: SO Looking for Advice

  1. #1
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    SO Looking for Advice

    Hi All. I am the girlfriend of a male CD. I love him so, so much but at the same time am overwhelmed with fear of his urge to CD. To give you some history on myself, this is the first person I've dated after getting out of an abusive relationship. My abusive ex came out to me as Transgender and I do believe that although I try not to, I am now associating my new boyfriend with my old one because of this. When my new boyfriend told me about his cross dressing, I immediately went back to that dark place in my past with my abusive, transgender ex. He used to dress up as a woman and rape me, so I have some really awful PTSD surrounding this.

    When I first started dating my current boyfriend, he told me pretty early on about his cross dressing, which I admire him for. The thing is though, is when he first told me about it he made it sound like it was all very casual and that he only did it every once in a while. However, the more I've gotten to know him the more terrified I am that this is a serious addiction. He goes through cycles where he will literally spend thousands of dollars on female clothes and wigs (he cannot settle for anything but the best, he buys himself Christian Loubiton heels) and then he throws them all away after a couple months. All he ever seems to talk about is dressing up. When we are out and about, we constantly find ourselves in malls in the women's shoe section where he will try on a pair of heels then walk out without buying them. Every shop window with women's clothing on display I catch him longingly staring through the window as we walk by. Every conversation we have ends up on cross dressing. He seems to be thinking about it all the time. What really scares me is that he recently told me that if he bought all those female clothes and things he wants, he would just sit in his room all day and masturbate and "not get anything productive done". That to me is HUGE red flag. That signifies a serious addiction to me. I don't even feel like I am needed at this point. What would he need me for when he can dress himself up and get off on that? I am sorry, I am really not trying to be disrespectful I just don't understand.

    I sometimes feel that he is using me as an outlet for all the urges he is suppressing. He hasn't dressed up in a while so I know the urges must be powerful. He is always asking me to wear the things he is really into wearing himself when he does dress up. He is always trying to buy me fishnets and stockings, garter belts, high heels....and I can't help but feel like I am his dress up doll. We often get halfway into sex and he wants to stop and have me put tights on. I am afraid that this is a sign he isn't attracted to me as just me and needs those extras to be able to finish. A lot of the time he can't even finish inside me, and has to masturbate on top of me to be able to come. I don't know what this means but to me it seems like another sign I'm just not stimulating enough for him. All in all, I feel awful about myself.

    This man is everything I could have ever hoped for in a partner. He is so nice and considerate, he is handsome and a musician (which I've always had a thing for). We have a lot of things in common and I do feel like he truly understands me. We have similar personalities and I enjoy that I don't always have to explain my way of thinking to him because he totally gets it, he thinks the same way. He is affectionate and polite, brings me on lots of nice dates and is great to be around. We have had many good times together, despite the depressing nature of this post.

    I am so worried that this will open up all sorts of other doors for him, like it will start out as dressing up, but what if it ends with him transitioning? I know firsthand what it is like to invest your heart and soul into a relationship only to be blindsided by that. Admittedly, yes, it was an abusive relationship so I needed to get out anyway. But still. I cannot help that I was born a straight female, if I am going to commit to this relationship I want to know that it is going to be with a man, forever. I don't mind if he wants to transition, I want him to live authentically and be happy, but that means our relationship isn't going to work anymore.

    I feel so helpless and lost. I am so scared and confused and feeling completely overwhelmed. I love him so much. There are times when I feel like I can be okay with him cross dressing, but then there are a lot of other times where I just don't know if I can handle it. I don't want to live my life in a constant state of anxiety. I want to have a healthy relationship. Please, can anybody help me understand? I am desperate for help. Any advice at all. What do I do?

  2. #2
    Member Elli87's Avatar
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    Tell him straight up, it takes two to tango, my needs aren't being met, Sometimes I expect the man to take the lead in this dance of ours. Tell him straight up how hes being selfish in the bedroom. Or you can ask him if all his needs are being met, I'm sure there's something he want's that will make him kiss your feet and treat you like a queen if you give it to him. Tell him straight up, look I wanna hang out with my man sometimes. Even though he's a crossdresser he's still a man and e.s.p. isn't standard man equipment so sit him down and the talk. Also some therapy or a therapy group for the ptsd wouldn't hurt ya.
    well even if i'm wrong, you know i'm right

  3. #3
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Wow. Lots of depth here and I'm sure you'll get lots of advice, but remember none of us are able to speak for your SO and we have a very wide diversity of experience and opinion.

    The first thing that pops out to me is that you seem to have an attraction to men who like to crossdress. You should probably understand that a little better and maybe talk to a professional counselor to figure that out.

    The second thing seems to be that your SO has not gotten in touch with himself yet. What you're describing is what's called a "purge cycle" - where he buys a lot of stuff and then throws it away only to repeat the cycle again. That's usually associated with crossdressers who have not accepted themselves and have to mature their understanding quite a bit. This is another thing that really should involve a professional, in this case a gender therapist. That will help him find out if he's likely to transition or not and help him settle down, build a collection of clothes that he keeps and get into the meatier, less superficial aspects of crossdressing. That may also calm down the masturbatory issues.

    All of that said, you also have to find a way to work this in as a couple. Does he go out when he dresses? It might be fun if you two could make that part of your relationship which would build a routine around it and make it something you routinely share and pull it into the real world for both of you. That might also help differentiate it from the abuse in your past and make it less scary for you.

    There are certain things we know or think we know about crossdressers in general: it's a life-long thing, so binge-and-purge living isn't a good strategy. Most crossdressers don't transition, though all people who transition will engage in what others see as crossdressing behavior. Most crossdressers are straight (if that's a concern) if he says he is, he probably is. Most are "normal" other than crossdressing, they do pretty much what other people do -- eat at McDonalds, watch bad TV shows, worry about their taxes.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Hi. Welcome here. You have come to a very good place for understanding this better. Your BF is very much on the fetish side of things when it comes to CDing. Not all are. I personally do not dress for sexual reasons, although it is as common if not more common for CDers to have sexual outlets with their CDing.

    From what I understand for those who are highly fetish with their CDing, that it will not lead anymore toward transitioning than from those who are not fetish about it. Possibly even less likely. It may though progress toward him being more open about it in the future and possibly going out publicly dressed. Some do, some never do.

    My best advice would be to sit down with him and have some discussions, some real heart to heart talks about how he really feels, not just from the sexual outlet part of it. Then, find some boundaries for yourself that allow you to get what you want and need from him in terms of not just sex, but of all physical intimacy. Hopefully do so in a way where he can still feel satisfied for himself as well. It may take a bit of time to figure it all out, but compromises can be made on both sides and lead to a good outcome for the both of you.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  5. #5
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    He sounds pretty narcissistic Hon. You need to ask him honestly if he truly cares about you and listen to tone of voice, look at body language and facial expression.He needs to think about the relationship you have and perhaps needs some counseling. There is no shame in doing that. The most important thing between the two of you, however, is honest communication and true sharing of feelings.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  6. #6
    Member LeslieSD's Avatar
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    Every people is different. So I can't tell one way or the other.

    From what you have described, something does not look right. These are "red flags" that might not be associated with a good character. If dressing is all he cares (every conversation ends there), but that is not yours, then there might be a concern in the long term too. Maybe you should just follow your feelings and thoughts. Nobody knows all the detail and no one can make that decision for you.
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  7. #7
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum!

    How invested in this relationship are you (moved in together? Kids? Just dating?)

    If you're just dating, my advice is to simlply walk away. You have tremendous trauma from your previous relationship. That's not a wound that will heal easily, and ... well based only on your own words ... the person you are currently dating sounds compulsive, and completely absorbed in a fetish the size of texas. A fetish directly related to your previous trauma.

    You say he's everything you could ever hope for ... respectully, from your own description, I really don't think thats true.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

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    We are only dating at this point, but I could definitely see it evolving into marriage in the future. I'm 23 and he's 27 so we are at about that right age. I don't know if he's a narcissist or just really bad in bed, to be honest. I have told him what I like in the bedroom but he hasn't done a very good job at incorporating them. Ive asked for, I don't know guys I hope he isn't as self absorbed as you all think. We are definitely having issues in the bedroom though. He's only had one partner before me so maybe it really is just inexperience.

    I have my degree in Psychology so the reason my posts are so detailed is because I am constantly analyzing him, haha. Very stereotypical of me I know.

    The reason he's given me for talking about dressing so much is because I initially accepted it when he told me and now he feels comfortable revealing that part of himself. I do think this fetish is way bigger than he originally let on though, like not just Texas sized to paraphrase someone below, maybe Alaska or Russia sized. I know he is still really struggling to come to terms with it, he constantly apologizes to me for talking about it so much, for being a "freak" as he says. His old girlfriend before me basically told him he and to get into counseling immediately which is why I am hesitant to ask him to go to therapy. The reason I would want to go with him is to strengthen our relationship, not to change him. Thanks so much for responding to me, I really appreciate it.
    Last edited by Di; 08-25-2015 at 05:48 PM. Reason: Read the rules please TMI on your sex life/ we get the picture without going into every detail

  9. #9
    Vespa Vixen AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    Dump him.

  10. #10
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    If I were you i would explain that you are two different people with different needs. You need to have your needs met and he needs to have his needs met. And, you are not getting your needs met. You would be better off without him.

    If you continue the relationship then I believe both of you will be worse off.

  11. #11
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    First off, you've gotten involved in one really messy situation. So here's my takeaway: you both have issues that you need to work on. Your wounds are still really fresh and those are the kind that don't heal quickly. His fetish is only going to exacerbate that. However, you've also mentioned that he feels guilt over it, and that he is trying to come to terms with it. I think that you need to take sex out of the equation for a bit while you two heal. Aside from the fetishistic behavior, he sounds like a really good guy so I feel like you two can work something out. Especially if the both of you go to counseling, as a couple.
    Also, a big question is nagging at me. Does he know about your last relationship? About what happened?

  12. #12
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    He does know about my last relationship, I just recently told him. He was very concerned and wanted reassurance from me I didn't think he was abusive. I also told him I didn't think I'd ever be able to bring the cross dressing into the bedroom because of that and he agreed.

    I think he just really needs to come to terms with himself and maybe it will get better from there. He has a very anxious/obsessive personality so cross dressing is just one of many things he fixates on. But because of his tendency to obsess over things, I do worry a lot about how far he will take this fetish and what that means for us.

  13. #13
    Senior Member Hell on Heels's Avatar
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    Hell-o Music,
    Welcome to the forum.
    You seem to know what YOUR issues are within this relationship, and you've communicated them quite well with us.
    Everything you've written here should be shared with your boyfriend. His reactions, or replies, will let you know where he stands with your concerns. Then depending on that discussion, you can come to some conclusion as to wether or not continuing the relationship is worth your time.
    I'm hoping for a pleasant outcome for you, whichever way things work out!
    Much Love,
    Kristyn
    I smile because you are my friend, and
    I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!!!

  14. #14
    Member Mark/Rebecca's Avatar
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    Honey, your ex dressing up and becoming aggressive is awful. It has nothing to do with crossdressing. I think we tend to put women on a pedestal, not tear them down. I hope you can let go of your fear of that, because you may find that he will worship you. Be a strong and feminine woman, and he will find that he is one of the luckiest men around. You coming here says so much about you, and once the pink fog of acceptance clears a little, you may be able to help him gain control again. Just don't rush into marriage and your decision will reveal itself.

  15. #15
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    Thanks for clearing that up. I really hope things work out well for you both. It sounds to me like this can go either way. Either it'll go really well or really poorly. He seems to really care about you if he's willing to agree to keep his fetish out of the bedroom. At the same time, that's going to be a point of pain for you both I think. Either he needs to find a healthy outlet for his fetish, or you need to find a way to let it back into the bedroom. I realize that neither of those are going to be easy for either of you. I'll repeat what I said before, you probably need to get some professional assistance in reaching a healthy compromise where you both will be happy. Beyond that, I don't really know what to tell you.

  16. #16
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    First, welcome to the forum. Take a breath dear. Relax and calm yourself. Listen, you say you are just coming out of an abusive relationship. Do you really believe a complex (what appears to be narcissistic) relationship is what you are needing right now? I would think you would have some issues of your own that you need to work through before getting tangled in another web of abuse. Go find some professional help so that you can deal with things and be happy with yourself. Then go find a guy (CD or not) that knows how to treat a lady right.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
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    It has to be a 2 way street and compromises also a lot of comunication if this is not happening it could be a rough ride emotionaly I hope all the best
    I have a hubcap diamond star halo

  18. #18
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Take him shopping. Buy him a pair of high heels and a pair of sneakers for yourself. Put the sneakers on and run away as fast as you can.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by music View Post
    ....However, the more I've gotten to know him the more terrified I am that this is a serious addiction. He goes through cycles where he will literally spend thousands of dollars on female clothes and wigs (he cannot settle for anything but the best, he buys himself Christian Loubiton heels) and then he throws them all away after a couple months. All he ever seems to talk about is dressing up. When we are out and about, we constantly find ourselves in malls in the women's shoe section where he will try on a pair of heels then walk out without buying them. Every shop window with women's clothing on display I catch him longingly staring through the window as we walk by. Every conversation we have ends up on cross dressing. He seems to be thinking about it all the time. What really scares me is that he recently told me that if he bought all those female clothes and things he wants, he would just sit in his room all day and masturbate and "not get anything productive done". That to me is HUGE red flag. ...
    yes, huge red flags. These are not the actions of a casual cross dresser. CALL HIM OUT on it. You have to get it all out and discuss this. Tell him what can and can not live with. Do it now before you are too vested

  20. #20
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    Has anyone here said "huge red flags" yet? Oh wait lots of us have. Don't put yourself in a position that you don't feel comfortable with. Your PTSD will last quite sometime and you need time to heal. There are plenty of fish in the sea, dump him and fish elsewhere, or sit on the banks and absorb the sun with a tall glass of iced tea. Good luck and be safe! Nikki

  21. #21
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Welcome first off but wow you have some issues and you are just dating at this point !! Eeek!!
    This is just me and my opinion only so please don't get mad but I would end it and just say you are just no what I am looking for.
    Even if he does some things right its the things he does wrong that would worry me.
    The sexual thing you spoke of is a red flag, the buying and purging of expensive clothing isn't a good sign either.
    Sounds like to me he cares more about his pleasure than yours.
    I have seen many women think they can change a man's behavior with some nurturing and understanding but it almost never works.
    I see you getting hurt in this relationship and I would hate to see that happen.
    Personally I would end it and walk away if you are not getting what you need.

    Oh and if you just came out of a relationship there is no reason to jump headlong into another one just like your old one.
    You are young and I'm sure you have friends in relationships or married but that doesn't mean you have to be right now.
    Take some time for yourself.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 08-25-2015 at 09:00 PM.
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  22. #22
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    Music-I'm a closet crossdresser,I just love the feel of womens clothing,I have absolutely no inkling to transition.I'm a strong,healthy handsome guy,with a sweet,
    tender female side that I am exploring now.I can still make passionate love to a woman&give her butterflies in her tummy(wink)I still do manly things,but I just enjoy
    feeling the soft,silky feel of womans wardrobe,like a short-mini skirt,beige pantyhose,a patterned silk blouse,double breasted blazer&3-4 inch heels,as I relax in my
    own place,with drapes closed&doors locked,so my sisters don't walk in on me.My journey started when I began dressing in mothers clothes secretly,after she left
    for work
    "Love&Kisses"
    Michelle

  23. #23
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    He is everything you could ever want except ...he isn't really. Clearly you are trying to project a long term future with him but before you go that route, please think it through. Do you want someone whose sexuality is focused primarily on fetish dressing given that you aren't into that? Do you think that will get better? Ultimately, you will both be frustrated in bed.

    Is this guy rich? If not, over time how will you feel about him spending thousands of dollars for dress up and then throwing the stuff away when your kids need new shoes?

    You are feeling helpless and lost, scared and confused and completely overwhelmed (your words). If you get move involved with him how do you really think that is going to get better? I'm a CD and my CDing is sexually focused, so I'm not against CDs at all; I'm even happily married with a wife who likes the CDing. I've got enough experience though to think that your situation is a disaster waiting to happen. You came out of an abusive relationship and are now in another relationship that is going to make you crazy. You need to stop.
    Last edited by Alaina R; 08-25-2015 at 09:34 PM.

  24. #24
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    Dear Music, let me start off by saying that going through anything traumatic will leave most people scarred. It is very difficult to go through something like an abusive relationship without carrying around some baggage afterward. What you have to remember is that this man is not the one who abused you. There may be similarities but they are not the same man. With that said, you have to decide if his obsession is something you are willing to live with. If you feel like you can live with it then you have to decide whether there are conditions that must be met for you to continue to build a life with him. For example, will you want to go to couples counseling to help him control it and you to cope with it? If you are not willing to live with it you need to be honest with him about why. I have found that any time I went through a break up with someone I would often be left wondering what I had done wrong. Even if it is too late to fix what you two have together maybe he can learn from what happens with you and not make the same mistakes with someone else. And if you really care about someone but just can't make it work their happiness should still matter to you!
    Good luck, I hope that whatever you decide it works out for the best for you both.

  25. #25
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    It sounds as if your SO is in a Pink Fog but the good news is that Pink Fogs eventually diminish for most CDers.

    And behaviors only have a negative impact if they are harmful to the self and/or to others. So, let's look at your issues one by one:

    1. The spending: Can he afford it? Is he meeting his other financial obligations like mortgage & car payments, setting money aside, is there enough money left after that to do other things like getting the other life necessities and travel, going out, etc? Then don't worry if he throws out Christian Louboutin shoes. If he throws out a significant part of his income, however, then there is an issue and he might need to seek help with a financial planner.

    2. The current focus on the women's clothing in stores and talking about it incessantly: This is often par for the course with CDers who suddenly find themselves in relationships with accepting women. It's like the lid of a pressure cooker has been removed suddenly and there is an explosion of steam. You can deal with this by setting boundaries and asking him for balance. Be careful though, it is not uncommon for CDers to not hear what you say when you mention "balance" (an array of different activities, not just a focus on women's clothes and girly experiences) and instead they hear, "I don't want you to crossdress or talk about it". It is imperative to make him understand that you are not rejecting the CDing but are instead not wanting to focus on the clothing all the time. Just shop with him once per week and make up your mind that he will look at women's clothes. The other times, go hiking, biking, dancing, out to dinner, shows, whatever. Also, schedule regular dressing time where you will expect that he will be in seventh heaven but realize that the two of you will also do different things throughout your week.

    3. His current obsession with accumulating women's clothes: Yes, this is a fetish. It's not a fetish to need to express a feminine side, but how many dresses and shoes do people need, and is the obsession eclipsing the other enjoyable things there are to enjoy in life? He might need help with this.

    4. The sexual aspect of women's clothing: This is a fetish too. In any relationship, either couples are sexually compatible or they are not, no matter what floats people's boats. If you were into wearing hose, garters, etc in bed, then it would not be an issue. Can you and he compromise and improve your communication (and follow through) with each other's sexual needs? You mention that you don't believe you are stimulating enough for him. It's more complicated than that. He has a unique set of things that he needs sexually and you are one of them. You are accustomed to being with men who only need a woman and no other props. It is difficult for a non-fetish partner to get used to a fetish partner. It is doable but only if he is willing to compromise. You mention that you communicate your sexual needs to him but he cannot remember them. Keep repeating them. Guide him gently. Get books about different techniques to use in bed. Make it a fun project! If after a year or so of communication attempts there is no improvement, then you might consider that you and he will never be compatible.

    5. His insistence that you wear certain things: Do you want to wear them? If so, there is no issue. If not, then ask him how he feels about you wearing them when you do not want to. Let his answer be your guide as to how far you wish this relationship to go.

    6. His inability to finish inside you sometimes: It sounds as if he is dealing with a lot of pressures right now about figuring out what the CDing means and how it will play out in his relationship. Pressure or conflict can cause men issues in the bedroom. Give him time and try to work with him. Is the sex good sometimes? Focus on that and guide him more in that direction.
    Reine

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