SO Looking for Advice

[Vickie_CDTV]

I think people are being way too hard on this guy.

He sounds like a lonely guy and doesn't have much experience with women (something I can totally relate to, I spent the vast majority of my adult life alone and unwanted.) The clothes may be all he has ever had and that is how he learned to arouse himself, and once that is ingrained it is tough to re-learn something else. It is how his mind may be wired, and it does not have anything to do with you and how attractive you are etc., it is how he learned to become aroused. GGs often have a hard time understanding this. He could very well love you and want to be with you, and his interest in the clothing etc. alone does not mean he does not love you or want to be with you. Men learn how to be aroused at a very early age and the fact he finds the clothes a turn on started long before he met you, and we don't get to choose what turns us on. It is in no way a reflection of you.

[mykell]

hi music,
first thing welcome....your a very tolerant being and a applaud you for that...
we are many things, selfish sometimes is one, we are good husbands, we are good fathers, we are good parents, we are hard workers, we are good lovers....we are a little askew and we are also high maintenance.....at least i think i am.....so i dont think that what you need in your life at this point is a high maintenance relationship....but if you feel strong enough to put the effort into it and believe it will be beneficial then by all means go for it.....

i will say this that which ever way it goes i hope that you stick around and chime in with us as you come off very caring and genuine....
best of luck....

[adrienner99]

Given his comment about "masturbating all day," there is a strong fetish element to his dressing and it may be affecting what he does or does not do in the bedroom with you. Crossdressing can be an obsession of course, but if it is overwhelming and subordinating everything else you might talk about or do together, then his relationship is not even with you. It's with dressing. The way that you have described him (esp. trying on high heels and walking out without paying) suggests to me that no matter how attracted you are to him in other ways, he is just not serious-relationship material. He may think he is wild about you, but he is not acting like it. Actually, it doesn't even matter that his obsession is with dressing. If he was obsessed about baseball or cars to the same extent, he might seem more "normal," but he still would not appear to need you. He needs his obsession more. I don't think this is a healthy relationship. It hurts, yes. But you need to be free of this.

[Pat]

5. His insistence that you wear certain things: Do you want to wear them? If so, there is no issue. If not, then ask him how he feels about you wearing them when you do not want to. Let his answer be your guide as to how far you wish this relationship to go.

This sounds like simple transference. Music mentioned that he hadn't dressed up in a while just before mentioning this behavior. He's probably in post-purge denial and is trying to have the things that excite him during sex brought into play. Guys who have gotten most of their sexual gratification through masturbation learn to become fantasists -- that is, they need a fantasy playing in their heads to achieve orgasm even though they are in a reality where they are actually having sex. Since most men are very visual, they'll focus on props like fishnet stockings or high heel shoes to help them maintain the fantasy. It takes a while for a fantasist to re-learn how to be excited by reality.

An appropriate strategy might be to tell him to put them on (he really wants to) or say "I will if you will" if she'd actually enjoy that.

6. His inability to finish inside you sometimes: It sounds as if he is dealing with a lot of pressures right now about figuring out what the CDing means and how it will play out in his relationship. Pressure or conflict can cause men issues in the bedroom. Give him time and try to work with him. Is the sex good sometimes? Focus on that and guide him more in that direction.

It's also not uncommon for (I hate this term) "chronic masturbators" to just need more rough handling than straight sex provides. They've learned a technique that works for them and nobody else knows that technique. Often, even if they're really enjoying the sex, they need their "experienced hand" to finish. It could be as simple as that. Again, this is a symptom of having primarily masturbatory sex in his life. He's got to learn how to have a partner. It's a lot of effort and Music might not find it worth her time.

I would caution that I'm not a doctor -- just a kinky old guy who's been through a lot.

The way that you have described him (esp. trying on high heels and walking out without paying)...

I don't want to become an apologist for this guy, but what she said was he tried on heels and walked out without buying. Not walked out without paying which would be a whole 'nuther thing. The former is shopping, the latter is shoplifting.

[Helen_Highwater]

Reading your comprehensive description left me thinking "Kid in a chocolate factory". By that I mean your SO's last relationship wasn't accepting, to the contrary. He meets you are gets the green light. He's now freed, allow to fore-fill his up until recently, suppressed desires. No brakes, no boundaries. What you couldn't have seen is the depths of his desires.

So I wouldn't council leaving straight away but I do feel there needs to be a "Hang on, we need to talk moment" were you explain your anxieties, and set the limits that your willing to go to. If he can't sign off and stick to those then that's the time to move on. It's going to be your version of the naughty step. That sanction that says a line has been crossed, something that can't and won't be tolerated.

One final thought, given his issues in the bedroom, have you given consideration that he's ultimately Gay and that's what's really eating at him? OK that my be a stereotypical assessment but it does seem that there's deeper issues going on.

[melanie206]

I'd go with some of the earlier suggestions in this thread that you should consider counseling to understand how the experience of abuse may impact your current and future relationships. You must have compassion for yourself before you can help others. As for your friend, he needs to understand that he would benefit from counseling also and it's something he should not fear. I don't recommend couples therapy since I think you have separate issues that need private space to be unloaded. He may be the strictly fetish type or not. It's rarely so cut and dried. In the meantime you seem to be a reluctant character in HIS scenario and perhaps it's another unhealthy situation for YOU.

[tictac43]

Hi music! Welcome

You have got plenty of great advice here already so I'll try to keep mine brief.

I feel like I relate to your bf a lot. My dressing is fetish related. When I first told her of my fetish, she was very accepting and understanding just like you and like your bf stated, that kind of opened the floodgates for me. Once I knew it was ok in her eyes, I had a very hard time not thinking about it or wanting to talk about it. I'd always want to bring it in the bedroom and she felt very much the same way you do... questioning if I am attracted to her or to the fetish she is entertaining.

All of these things put a huge damper on not only our sex life but our relationship as a whole. We didn't have sex very often at all and when we did it wasn't very good. It wasn't until I started to truly notice the problem was me, that I put in a HARD effort to not stop my urges but to manage them and use them reasonably. I think your BF need to become aware that his obsession is leading you guys down a negative path and could continue to do so. Open communication is definitely the key. I was always constantly apologizing and feeling guilty for my fetish but once the urge came again, the pattern would repeat. I guess what I am saying is it took me realizing and doing some deep reflection to reset my priorities and realize that I can still enjoy my fetish but it doesn't have to become me. Like you said, its a fetish. And a fetish like this can easily become an addiction because you can just buy more stuff. But once you come to terms with that, you can work to manage it and not let it get in the way of your relationship.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a message. It's not hopeless! My girlfriend and I are now engaged and happier than ever. We've worked at it and continue to get better. I enjoy it from time to time and that's all I need.

Hope this helps

[Maria 60]

WOW! That's a hell of a situation you are in. I will admit I sometimes step back and see how selfish I am too. Some of the things you described goes down my ally. My wife is great and wants me happy and has also told me a few time that I have her around just to buy my things. But it's a two way street she also uses the dressing to convince me to do things. When I told my wife we were freshly married and maybe if I told her sooner it would have been different. Your good thing is you haven't committed yet and trust me I know the best advice is communication but we are not ready to reason but my wife has a line in the sand and let's say I know where it is and she knows where mine is. When I get carried away she tells me how she feels and I believe that's going to be your answer. Be honest with him and tell him you don't mind the dressing to what ever level you can handle and tell him what you dislike. It does go threw phases, my wife will step in when she sees I am losing focus or taking bad chances. I think it better you straighten things out before things get more intense and "till death do you part"can be a long miserable long life. Don't be a stranger keep us updated because we learn more and more with ever story and I hope it works out for you, it must have been hard to spill you guts like you did. Good luck and hope your next post is a happy one