Upsetting conversation with my wife tonight

[Krisi]

Thinking you are gay and thinking you may want to become a woman are the first thoughts most wives have when we "come out". You have to reassure them with your words and with your actions.

Trying to take crossdressing into the bedroom is a big mistake. Perhaps you can do it once she gets used you seeing you dressed as a woman, perhaps not. o it on her timetable, not yours. Many women will never accept this and that's understandable. If you were not a crossdresser, how would you react if your wife wanted to put on a fake beard and mustache, bind her breasts, strap on a ***** and get in bed with you?

[St. Eve]

Hi Camille

Thanks for the update! I congratulate you on your choice to be honest and work for compromise in your relationship.

I tried it secret for 15 years, then abstinence for 6 years. Since May of this year, I am now out to my SO and best friends. I am also taking small steps in working towards being in the public as Eve. The first two choices had their benefits and made it "easier." BUT, now coming out, I have the greatest internal peace about being known for who I really am - even it the path seems harder, it does not matter because I feel inner peace.

Good luck on your continuing journey.

Peace
Eve

[Suzanne F]

Camille
There are several of us that go out in San Francisco on a regular basis. I am transitioning but some of the others are CD. You should come out with us and invite your wife. My wife and another girls wife come sometimes. If not we could meet at a Gems event as I go once in awhile. Good luck!
Suzanne

[Paulette]

Camille the River City Gems offers a wonderful opportunity for you and your wife to enjoy your feminine expression in a safe and nurturing environment. There are several cis women who attend the Gems functions and all are willing to share their experiences. Our current President is a cis gendered female and wife of one of our members.

[ReineD]

I took the advice of someone on the previous thread and was truthful with her

I'm so glad that you spelled things out for her.

[jenniferinsf]

camille

let me offer my full support to you in regards to your relationship with your wife and your willingness to share with us.

while my wife is supportive she is also unwilling in joining the forum. she and i are who we are and we will work it out between ourselves is our approach. i dress a lot and go out a lot, today we talked about her going out with me fully dressed (as opposed to femme lite or femme casual). like you, she and i have agreed our relationship is paramount and we are struggling to bend toward each other as much as we can without breaking the span of time we have spent together.

i hear your feelings about your mourning and hope that a big hug will help

jennifer

[Camille15]

camille

i am in sf and recently joined tans gender support group via meet up http://www.makeyourownjeans.com/cust...ca612e2d9e0407

Thanks Jennifer. But is that the right link you meant to post?

Camille the River City Gems offers a wonderful opportunity for you and your wife to enjoy your feminine expression in a safe and nurturing environment. There are several cis women who attend the Gems functions and all are willing to share their experiences. Our current President is a cis gendered female and wife of one of our members.

Thanks Paulette. I doubt my wife would come, at least at first. Do you have many members who come up from the SF Bay Area to Sacramento for events? If so, where do they usually change? Just a hotel nearby? Also, what's the average age of members? It would be nice to connect with CD'ers in my own age range (early 30's to early 40's).

Camille

[Suzie Petersen]

Camille,

You are doing good! Being honest, open and considerate is a very good approach. As hard as it might be sometimes, communication is the key to most things in a relationship.

And she seemed to understand my need to do so and be out in the world, and not just sit pretty in a hotel room. She's feeling better about all that. She said she's comfortable with me going out in the context of a CD/TG support group gathering, rather than just meeting an individual from this forum that I don't really know, in an arbitrary place. On the flip side, we agreed to no more underdressing at work, since for her that's too risky.

First off, dont be surprised if she suddenly change her opinion about this again. It can be very emotional for a wife to deal with this and what might be OK today, might not be OK a month from now.

Second, the thought of you meeting with an unknown person leaves all sorts of things up to the imagination. It is not difficult to understand why that might leave your wife with some concerns, no matter how innocent it seems to you. It is like if your wife told you she was going to meet up with this guy from work who really understand her, just for a chat of course! They are going to meet at this hotel downtown and talk about some things!
While this should be perfectly acceptable in a trusting relationship, for most of us husbands, it will leave a little bit of uncertainty in the back of our minds. It is no different for your wife if you want to meet with someone she perceives as another female, nomatter how sincere and innocent the purpose of the meeting is to you.

The group meetings or conventions on the other hand is a different thing. Some might still suspect that it can be a cover for something else, but I dont think it is the immediate thought, as it could be with a one-on-one meeting.

The fact that your wife is not interested in joining this forum is also not surprising to me. My wife was the save way, she didnt want to talk to people she felt was going to try to convince her of something she didnt want to be convinced about. She was not looking for a way to learn to accept or understand, she was solely looking for a way to make it go away. With that in mind, it is not hard to see why joining a "support" group of any sort is not the logical thing to do.

About the "underdressing at work". Now that you have made that promise, do yourself a big favor and just dont do it. Trust is such a fragile thing and if she sees that you can agree on boundaries, and you actually respect them, she will have a much easier time accepting other promises from you. Time and time again, we hear of people bending the rules or forgetting where the lines were drawn and it always lead to bad things. Trust is a very valuable thing and it can be lost forever in a split second.

- Suzie

[sfwarbonnet]

Camille,

Don’t be surprised if she changes her mind; GG’s tend to do that. What is OK with her today may not be OK tomorrow.

Wearing a bra would exceed my wife’s current limits, even though there is a raison d’etre. Hopefully her attitude will change, as it has for panties, nylons, slips, and women’s pants. I have found the following acceptable for underdressing:

!) Slacks: Women’s pull on pants are much easier to put on than men’s belted pants. They do not need a fake fly, as the absence of it is usually not apparent, but I prefer non-figured and solid color, non-pastel pants so they are not readily identified as women’s clothing.

2) Panties: Underwear with a fly is unnecessary with womens pull-on pants. Although there are no-fly briefs in the men’s department, women’s full-cut briefs work just as well, and are often cheaper.

3) Slips: Shirttails tend to readily pull out of pull on pants. This can expose panty and pantyhose tops. A “solution” is to wear a full slip that is short enough to be worn with slacks. Also slips are usually made of material that makes it easier to pull on and straighten pants.

4) Bra: Although wearing a bra in public in “boy” mode can make one nervous and it is a challenge to “hide” it, wearing a bra can make one feel feminine and can be practical in “boy’ mode to keep non-adjustable straps on a slip from falling off the shoulders.

5) Nylons: Although wearing them in public can also make one nervous, an MD suggested that I wear pantyhose to avoid the indentation in my lower legs that mid-calf or knee-high socks make. Pantyhose do not require anything that is not also needed with women’s pull-on pants. Opaque ones are best, as they aren't readily identified as women's hosiery, but that isn't necessary and sheer nylons are OK and are more available. I actually prefer thigh highs as they are easier to put on than pantyhose, they do not need to be lowered to go to the bathroom, and only one leg needs to be thrown out when a run becomes apparent.

Finding women’s clothes that fit a GM is a challenge, as a bust and an hourglass figure are often presumed in women’s clothes. Particular examples are all-in-ones and garter belts. In the former, if one gets a large bandwidth, the cups are usually too large for underdressing, and garter belts, which are supposed to keep stockings from falling down, often fall down themselves as GM’s usually do not have a large difference between waist and hip measurements. For me, a short 18” slip with no bust darts makes an OK undershirt, although most of my shirts are 42-44 and narrow, non-adjustable straps on a slip fall off my shoulders (probably due to lack of boobs) unless I wear a bra with adjustable straps. To

I also now want to present as a female in public, but that too would exceed the current level of my wife’s acceptance. Plan B is to dress at the Vegas Star Trek con in the skant uniform “aka a minidress” worn by both males and females in Escape to Farpoint in TNG unless I can identify a transwoman or CD in Star Trek.

As for you, respect her limits, but don’t make promises that you may not be able to keep. CDing tends to progress – when underdressing becomes “normal”, we usually want to take the next step.

[Saikotsu]

Don't assume that you're forever frozen in this situation. Keep open the channels of communication with your wife so that you can express your needs and interests, and she can deal, over time, with her fears. Many people find change threatening,nut over time the fears prove unfounded. Give her time and patience.

I agree. Give her time to adjust and deal with her fears. Keep the communication open and realize that things can get better. Baby steps. The wait can seem agonizing, but it's worth it. Best of luck

[raeleen]

Hi Camille,

I just joined the forum and came across this post. I feel for you and find myself in much the same situation. My wife is supportive, but nervous as I begin exploring this part of my identity. I've just recently gone out in public to a support group meeting for the first time, and it was amazing to meet other girls. But working up to that step with her was a slow gradual process. Even now I know that she gets uncomfortable anytime we begin talking about dressing.

Stay open with her. Don't lie! And keep communicating. I agree that things can change, and as the two of you continue on this journey, you may find her position shifting. Good luck and big hugs from a fellow girl. I would love to talk with you more if you're interested. I'm looking to connect with other cd's in my age range (late 30's) and chat about our experiences/challenges.

Hugs,
Raeleen

[RedheadedHeathen]

Hello Miss Camille,

I finally registered here and stopped lurking just so I could discuss a different perspective with you. (That's why I'm late to the conversation, I had to register and be approved.)

I’m a GG who enjoys playing in the CD world. I have noticed that when gurls try something new they tend to say *I* don’t like it when in reality I’ve only shared concerns and/or a critique. Then they stop doing it because *I* don’t like it and they want to keep me happy and that isn't at all what *I* wanted. CDers, who have yet to build up their confidence, have a tendency to look for a reason to quit. Sometimes they make up a reason to quit and other times someone in their life supplies them with a reason to do so. I am in no way saying that your partner doesn’t have legitimate concerns and you shouldn’t address them. I’m saying make sure that you weren’t looking for a reason to quit something new, exciting, and a little scary, all along. Especially if it’s something that you enjoy.

Keep in mind that I'm just some weirdo on the Internet and do not know your actual life at all.