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Thread: Is it offensive to ask?

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Central United States

    Is it offensive to ask?

    Dear Ms. CD Manners,

    I have a very dear friend I've known for more than 10 years. Because we live several hundred miles apart we only see each other at a festival we both enjoy, once a year or less. Because of our busy lives, we only get to talk on the phone every couple of months, but when we do talk, it's for hours at a time and feels as though only days have passed.

    My friend, let's call her V, is TG. I have only ever known her as female, but she is forced to live as male. Unfortunately, she can't transition and, due to her profession and her DADT roommate, V rarely gets to be her true self. Even when we talk on the phone, she has to choose her words carefully or drive miles from home to talk freely. We've talked for years about getting together some weekend halfway between us and spend the entire weekend just visiting, shopping, walking & talking, and doing whatever we decide, with her as her true self.

    I live mostly male, but am occasionally gender-fluid. I've told V this, but she has only ever seen me and spoken to me as male. I dress at home and have very few select friends who have seen me dressed. I keep this part of myself quite closeted, mostly due to my profession. I have never been out in public as female and would never do so anywhere I might expect to find someone I know, personally or professionally.

    The rub is... I have wanted to venture out of my house as that fluid part of me, to experience more of the world as the part of me that stays so carefully hidden. Because of our comfort with each other, and her experiences in both male and female worlds, I think I would be more comfortable exploring that part of myself with V. It's okay with me if she would rather know me purely as male, but I don't know if she would be okay seeing me as female unless I ask.

    Would it be gauche to ask V for her guidance in blending with society as female, even to assist and join me on my first foray into this world, or would it be crude and offensive? If you lived in her world, would you be offended if a good friend were to ask for your help in this venture? I have considered how I would feel, but I would like to know how someone else would feel being asked such a question, and whether it would be offensive to even ask.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Central Texas
    If she knows that you dress also, I don't see why that would be a problem, however if you were always totally male to her she might just want that. I would make sure that you set that up front. Run it by her and see if she likes that. I'm not quite sure what V is expecting. And if she is alright with it. Go for it.
    Part Time Girl

  3. #3
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Old Hampshire, UK
    Dear Jen,

    It's great that you're sensitive enough to think about how they'll feel before asking that question - and I think because of that sensitivity, the person you obviously are, and the friendship you're likely to have with V, I'd say you'll be just fine asking.

    I'm sure if V feels it's inappropriate or unwelcome you'll hear the truth, but if you don't ask, you'll never know, and some great lyrics by The Smiths seem somewhat appropriate...

    'Ask' - The Smiths
    "Coyness is nice, and
    Coyness can stop you
    From saying all the things in
    Life you'd like to

    So, if there's something you'd like to try
    If there's something you'd like to try

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  4. #4
    Junior Member antonyio's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    morrinsville ,new zealand
    I would run it carefully by her and see if she Is ok,if she doesn't know fully about you,drop hints next time you speak ,if you get the right answers ,then appoarch the subject

  5. #5
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    San Francisco Area
    I agree if both of you know about each other's other side, then just talk openly and honestly with her about it. As for if she should be the decider if you transform or not when together, I am not so sure. It sounds like you both want and need to get out dressed and doing so together sounds like a great way to accomplish that. Suggest what you would like to do and see how she decides. Maybe one time she is dressed and the next time you are, or both of you are. That just needs a friendly conversation. Good luck.

  6. #6
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Central Massachusetts
    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    It's great that you're sensitive enough to think about how they'll feel before asking that question - and I think because of that sensitivity, the person you obviously are, and the friendship you're likely to have with V, I'd say you'll be just fine asking.

    I'm sure if V feels it's inappropriate or unwelcome you'll hear the truth, but if you don't ask, you'll never know, and some great lyrics by The Smiths seem somewhat appropriate...
    +1000 for 'The Smiths' quote.

    If you two are already 'out' to each other, what harm could it cause?

    We take our allies where we can get them, honey.


    - MM
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  7. #7
    Diva Victoria Demeanor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Hi Jen, I am not Ms Manners, but I am Ms Demeanor.
    Is your friend TG or TS there is a bit of a difference. If your friend Ms V, is needing to transition to the person they were meant to be it is so much more involved then those of us that wish to express our other gender side. When I finally came clean with myself, finally discovered and admitted to myself that I had a feminine side and need to embrace it I talk to the the only person I knew that might understand it. My own father transitioned in the mid 70's when I was 18. She was a girl, a woman, a female all her life and just in the wrong body. It was much different then what I was going through. I brought up bad memories and our conversations, strained as they were became even more strained.
    So this was a different time and age, things are getting better, but as a civilization we are still far from perfect. It sounds like you are her confidant and yes I think you should broach the conversation. talk about how you feel and LISTEN to how she feels. she may want to help you with an outing, a girls day, she may appreciate time together with someone she trust to be herself and help you be yourself. Be prepared though and please do not take offence, this is all a delicate and touchy situation. If it sounds like she rejects or is opposed to it, just slow down and remind her that you are and will always be her friend.
    When I am still and quiet, people who do not know me think, Oh how cute she's shy.
    People who do know me think, OMG RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Girls will be boys and boys will be girls It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola

  8. #8
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    ne pa
    Nothing really wrong in asking.

  9. #9
    Member ronny0's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    South West USA
    IMO "IF" you two are "Friends", then friends help one another.
    Friends bend to be their for support and at times go out of their way for one another.
    Friends that share secrets IMO are their for one another.......
    You only live once, should something happen to you or your friend tomorrow you will have missed out on doing something that you (deeply?) desire.
    If you don't at least ask, IMO at some point down the road you will be kicking yourself in the aws for the lost opportunity.
    I lost a great friend, and quiet often I have pondered 'what if'.......
    Live Life and enjoy while you can.

  10. #10
    Gone to live my life
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Hi Jen,

    As others have said, you are friends and both know of each others dressing. I think if you approach the subject with "V" she will let you know her comfort level. If it were me, I would not have an issue with helping a friend and would not find it offensive.



  11. #11
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Almost the Great White North
    It seems that the two of you are long time friends who share a deep connection. This is something you should be able to talk with her about.

  12. #12
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Central United States
    Ms D, I'm sorry things didn't go so well with your dad. Maybe with more, and different, experiences behind you, you might be able to find some common ground. I wish you well if you want to be in touch with him.

    Katey, I love the Smiths quote! Awesome!

    Nearly everyone echoed exactly what I thought so I wrote V and asked. She said I'll have to forgive her if she slips sometimes, as she's only seen me one way, but she'd be very happy to do a girl's day out and we need to keep in touch more. I'd say she was far from offended. :-) Now I have to decide what outfit to wear.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Is the subtext here that you are in love with V? Or at least you are worried that being honest will damage the friendship you have?

    Be honest, it sounds like V is at least able to understand where you are coming from. If not then that perhaps will give you a better idea on what this friendship is.


  14. #14
    Pooh Bear Judith96a's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    I'm inclined to agree with Katie. And I'll add this... I'm inclined to think that since you're sufficiently self-aware etc to be asking yourself how you should approach this you will do fine!

  15. #15
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    A bit late to the party, but I'll answer anyway. If it were me, I'd be honored.

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