Finally making sense
Good morning all, I have been contemplating this post for a number of weeks. I am finally making sense to my self. I have over the many years of closeted, hiding and self denial crossdressing, tried to make sense of myself within myself. Yeah, to deep.
I can remember a young person with a love affair of women's things. Hanging out in the kitchen to cook rather than in the TV room watching football. One day I was grounded fire a bad deed and was home alone. I got to exploring the house and found mind undies and stuff. I just fell in love with them. As time went by I found other items to try out. But had to endure it was all put back and proper. Add I grew up and left gone I find myself in Dallas the early nineties and leotards spandex shorts and such. I had quite a collection and loved being out dressed and sexy. Everything the military I purged until a trip during basic to the PX allowed me some spandex shorts again. Then later after that I had panty hose in my ruck and the shirts depending on the weather. Anyway as time went by I repressed those desires of being fem. Then it came back as always. Then with my second wife the desires were good with dressing in clothing and feminine body piercings to hide from the world how I really felt inside. We split up and I purged again. Losing breast forms and clothing. This purge came with the meeting of my current wife who I shared this past with up front. She wasn't all that excited about it so I repressed and hid it. As the past thirteen years of our relationship had progressed, we have explored many aspects of our sexuality. Each one I think closer to me coming out as I got to see the wonderful clothes and such again. So I got clothing spandex mostly under the desguise of biking. Satisfied fire a time. Then along came a package of panties. I kept hidden and denied myself and my wife the real me. So as tone went by she said to me to lose weight if I wanna wear a dress. Then this past summer we went on vacation and meet a couple that turned out like where I should be. A closeted crossdresser. Lots of clothing and stuff so I was allowed some shirts and bikinis at that time. This reawakening happened of my true desires to be open about myself. So I discussed with my wife and we are traveling this together. Many things have changed since I was more open more than a decade ago. Internet and clothes. B my wife is more accepting yet scared. I must say so am I. Over the last few months I have met others locally and we all get along and have outings with our wives dressed. Usually at night one a month. I need more than a bar scene. I need to be me. With the help of this forum I see I am not a freak, and the help of the other girls in our local group. I been re learning the things I have lost. More so than anything I been learning to accept myself. Not hiding so much from myself or wife. I have found its a great feeling and is lovely. Together, my wife and I are learning/relearning this part of me and becoming more natural with it. We still have a ways to go. We don't know what the future holds, but it's been a welcome change in my attitude toward her, life and myself. I have been making sense of my inner anger and its actually diminished quite a bit. I been making sense of how to be me. Back when I was younger they was no support, no internet to meet people, no nothing but a desire. I learned tucking on my own, I learned some make up on my own. With this forum, the local group and my wife, it's been a much better journey this go around. And I can say that with all my revelations lately, I regret my last purge and know it won't happen again.
Thanks every one here. In the end I will quote Rupaul, "if you can't love yourself, how can you love some one else." That's where I am getting to now. How your all have a wonderful day! :-)
Perfection Is a Road Not a Destination
