I really want to tell my wife ...

[wendy]

My wife and I have been together for over 14 years (living together for 12 and married at least 2 years).

One of my regrets is never informing her of my cross dressing when we first met. I've made 3-4 purges (I regret some items I tossed, as they were lovely - like an Undercover Wear long black lingerie gown), and in that time I kept thinking to myself that I could suppress the CDing urges.

Well, time has come for me to face my demons and tell her. I won't be jumping in with both feet, but I want to slowly ease into it so it isn't a total shock. Right now, I've been testing the waters to see my wife's reaction - for example, we were watching reruns of Frasier recently and in one episode Frasier says something like "oh Niles, he likes to wear Chinese long gowns." My wife says : you don't wear long gowns at night (something to that effect), my response : yeah, you can wear long gowns during the day.

So far, my wife has been very accepting of me wearing zentais and women's OPS (one piece swimsuits). I have a huge collection of women's swimwear and I wear it at home all the time. For me, that is a positive. How I eased into that one is I stored my swimsuits in an easy to find place (drawer where I keep my zentais), and she found them (which was something I hoped would happen). She mentioned that she found the swimwear and wanted me to try it on for her, so I did. She didn't flinch or anything, and was quite open/supportive of it. Only complaint from her is the size of the collection (100+ swimsuits)

Anyways, I'm going to stay the course and see if I can drop little hints of my cross dressing and gauge her reaction.

I have a hunch she already knows, as I've been almost caught on a few occasions- one time I was in full dress up mode when I heard the front door open, I took off all the clothes as quick as I could and threw them into the downstairs bedroom corner. She comes downstairs wondering what I was doing and noticed I was huffing and puffing like crazy. She goes into the downstairs bedroom and looks around and I'm positive she saw the strap of my black camisole. She didn't say anything and walked back upstairs.

Another example : we were watching a commercial and this guy was wearing tights. She mentions that guys should not wear tights; I told her that I wore tights when I was a kid (for a school play), she then exclaimed "that's why ! Now I understand."

Wish me well on this endeavor, as I no longer wish to hide my CDing anymore.

[Dana44]

Hope all goes well for you. Make sure you communicate and spend enough time with her to show her that you appreciate her. She may already know as she almost slipped. But be careful and concise in what you say to her. By the way I do two piece swimsuits. Never tried a one piece. Maybe I should look at one. LOL

[Jenniferathome]

Good luck. In my signature is what I said to my wife. There is no way to "ease" into it. Just say it all. Rip the band aide off approach.

[CarlaWestin]

It sounds like you're in that purgatory of the unknown called pre disclosure. Shakey ground but once the toothpaste is out of the tube it's a great relief. It doesn't sound like you'll be blindsiding her as sh already suspects. A hundred womens bathing suits?! That's definitely a clue.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Wendy, See line #3 in my signature.

I wish you luck , Please do keep us updated.

[Krisi]

Jennifer (and Wendy), I believe there is a way to "ease" into it. I say that because that's exactly how I did it. She asked me to order her some bras from eBay. When they were delivered, she said "Are those my bras?". I said (grinning) "No, they are my bras, my name is on the package. I immediately stripped down and put one on. Then I commented that I needed a pair of panties to go with my bra. She went out shopping and when she came home I was wearing a pair of her panties and showed her. She said "Don't wear my new ones you can wear my old ones." and she gave me a few pairs.

I don't feel like writing a book this morning, but after a while she gave me some old blouses she didn't wear any more. She got some bras with the removable pads which she removed. She said "Do you have any use for these or should I throw them out?" I said "Yes I can use them." And immediately stuffed my bra with them.

Eventually, over time, I bought real forms, a couple wigs, padded panties, jewelry, etc. We shop together for skirts and blouses.

She won't go out of the house with me dressed but I can dress at home around her and she accepts or tolerates it. She will often comment saying "That top goes great with that skirt". Or "Your butt is bigger than mine."

Each relationship is different and each couple knows each other best. I think it would have been a big shock to my wife if I had let her leave homer in the morning and come home to Krisi in the afternoon.

[wendy]

I wish to say thanks to everyone for their open and honest comments, I especially appreciate the comments about either keeping quiet or full disclosure, no dropping hints/snippets.

For me, this puts this in a much different light, and I will have to seriously consider the 2 options about full disclosure : it goes ok or it goes downhill.

At this point in my life, I've been crossdressing since I was 5 or 6, and I don't want to hide it any longer.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
I've read your outing details before I can't help thinking you were lucky to get away with that !
I can imagine my wife taking that parcel and binning it if I had that attitude, yes she has given me some of her things and now asks if I want anything. If I mention looking or buying things I get the "over my dead body stare!"

[Krisi]

It was actually her bras that I ordered for her (as she had asked me to) and I gave her all but one. I have bought her (and myself) many more since then.

As I posted above, we have to know our wives and our relationships. What worked for me may or may not work for another person.

[Jenniferathome]

Jennifer (and Wendy), ...She asked me to order her some bras from eBay. When they were delivered, she said "Are those my bras?". I said (grinning) "No, they are my bras, my name is on the package. I immediately stripped down and put one on. Then I commented that I needed a pair of panties to go with my bra. ....

how is this even remotely, easing into it? You outed yourself in a most surprising way and if your story is accurate, your wife clearly knew something. Yours is not the way for most. Shock and awe is like a punch in the face.

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
I have to agree with you on that one ! I certainly try and not do it intentionally !

[Krisi]

Jennifer, I could type it all again but it would come out the same. My story is accurate but abbreviated. I've posted it before and nobody misunderstood it. Perhaps I didn't make completely clear the part where it was playful, not serious. I was kidding around with her when I said they were my bras.

Someone compared my method to slowly boiling a frog in a kettle.

I don't know how you can misinterpret it but there's nothing more I can say.

[mechamoose]

Ok, well let me ask this in the most PC way possible...

Are you 'kinky' otherwise, or is this going to be coming as a complete surprise?

I mean, you can be 'flexible' and 'open' without being expressly a CD person. Have you just been 'the straight man' up until this point?

- MM

[Melanie 0339]

Wendy I know how you feel I've been married to my wife for 6 years 12th sept is our wedding anniversary, Together for 8 years my situation is similar to yours but without so many swimsuits. When we first got together I told her everything about my past (it's quite checkerd) everything apart from dressing. I too have nearly been caught on a few occasions one time she'd been away for a few days and i left a pair of stockings and suspenders belt on the bed, she saw them and asked why they where there. I said they reminded me of her while she was away she then asked was I wearing them? ( looking back this answer sounds worse then the truth ) I said no I used them to masturbate she knows I have a thing for stockings and she accepted that answer. Just last week on sat morning after her night out she said you look like you've got eyeliner on, again I lied and just said I had a bad nights sleep. I've also tried dropping hints and mentioning things too gauge her reaction. Deep down I think she knows or at least suspects but before I can come out to her I need to know myself am I CD or TG I really don't know and until I can fathom out what/who I am. I'm thinking about telling her that wearing women's clothes is just a fetish I have instead of coming straight out with I think I want to be a woman. Sorry Wendy didn't mean to hijack your thread xxx

[Rachelakld]

I'm envious of your swim suits, I only have 3, and only wear them at the pools
My family got used to seeing me in tights (cotton yoga tights and shiny ones), or "pantyhose" during the cold days, then summer came along and so did the shoe string singlets that me and my girls shared.
Anyway, best of luck with your explaining

[bridget thronton]

I am sure your wife suspects

[Gabby6790]

Ugggh, I just wrote a long post and then deleted it by accident. I hope this goes well for you . Please let us know how it goes. I am in a similar situation and would to learn anything to be as gentle as I can coming out.

[Sandra]

Well as a GG I would not like the fact of having hints dropped, I would want to know all at once not just snippets as this would make me feel that I wasn't trusted and what else was being hidden.

Bite the bullet and either tell her or keep quiet.

[Gabby6790]

The more I read on this topic the more I get confused. Its sounds like a lot of the out posters put this pressure on those looking to come out. I am a in a similar situation at the OP especially with the dropping hints part. I feel like I am doing that for a number of reasons but most importantly I am feeling my SO out while I figure out what is going on with me. I don't have all the answers yet but I am doing my best to find them.

I think we have to remember that there are two parties here and neither are at fault. Laying it all out on the table sounds good typed on the forums and may be good for those that have done it but its gut wrenching to think about for some who haven't yet.

[Eryn]

I was reading your first post and I was a bit taken aback that in the second line of the post you had gone from worrying about your relationship to lamenting the loss of a particular garment in a purge. It may be that your anxiety has sent your thoughts in several directions at once or you might not be taking this seriously enough. At this point your focus should be on your wife, not an article of clothing.

She needs to know how deeply you feel about her and your relationship.

One approach is to tell her that something is bothering you (it is, after all) and you want to talk it over with her. Then lay it out for her, simply and without embellishment.

It will take time for her to assimilate it. Give her that time. She will have questions. Answer them, but remember that "I don't know" is a valid answer if you truly don't know. Don't make promises you can't keep.

Have resources ready for her if she needs them. There is a lot of info out there on the web, but there is a lot of scary stuff and even hate sites that purport to "support crossdresser's wives."

More than anything else, reassure her that she is the center of your life and you are telling her your most guarded secret because you love and trust her and don't want to keep it from her any longer. You're the same person, what has changed is that she has more insight into what makes you what you are.

[Teresa]

Wendy,
A swimsuit got me deep into CDing way back at 9 years old so I know how you feel, I don't have any now but why you need that many and how has you wife has never discovered them all ?
How to tell is different to each of us, it took me twenty years and when I finally did tell her it came with a flood of tears ! It felt like a millstone lifted off my shoulders, but I'm afraid it didn't go so well after that. Hiding in a closet is not good long term but exchanging it for a DADT situation isn't a whole lot better ! Eventually it still gets to you, so much goes round in your head with nowhere to turn, or it did in my case. I've finally come to a mental grinding halt questioning my gender whether I need to transition all because it so suppressed. Remember it's never going away it's for life, you have to become comfortable with it at some point and accept yourself so others can hopefully do the same.

[Marcelle]

Hi Wendy,

Telling one's SO is a personal choice IMHO. If you are ready to reveal then you are ready and really don't have to ask if it a good thing or not . . . you will just know. However, once you do tell it is going to go only one of two ways (1) Acceptance on some level by your wife; or (2) relationship ends. So think very carefully before you do so. My advice is if you can do what you need to do, put it away and go back to being a loving and supportive partner, then what is gained from telling. However, if your dressing is reaching a point where it is causing emotional distress to not dress and you are becoming moody then it is perhaps time for the talk. Dropping hints is never a good method because things can be construed the wrong way. If you plan to tell, then just tell and once you have keep the communication lines open. I started a thread some time back about "post reveal communication" and many here posted some good advice http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...couraged/page2

However, given you prediction for zentai suits and women's swimwear, I am going to venture a guess she has her suspicions.

Cheers

Isha

[kimdl93]

While it may be that your wife has some suspicion, 100 women's swimsuits would be something even I would notice, still she deserves a well thought through discussion of your CDing, rather than having hints leaked out here and there. The prerequisite for that conversation is time you spend thinking about the meaning that CDing, what you would ask of her, and how you will respond to any concerns she may express.

[mykell]

hi wendy,
how you disclose is your business but leaving hints does not seem to be the best method. the hardest thing ive ever done in my life was telling my wife about my CDing, still together and still dealing... my biggest suggestion for this is to write down what you want to convey to her and have it as a back-up....when you have the conversation once the words leave your lips things will get very emotional for you both, if you feel yourself stumbling with words you will have that heart felt letter to use while in her presence, i wouldnt just leave it for her to find while your not around.

[pamela7]

I would say, given your description, that your wife knows most definitely that you crossdress, and has been perfectly respecting your privacy until its your time to reveal. She gave you an opening about the long gowns at night. Perhaps also she prefers/likes that you dress in private and remain a "man" to her in her eyes. But its all perhaps until you discover. She knows (women normally do), but what follows once you talk about it will be down to how you both want to live your married life.

good luck