Post-op

[PaulaQ]

I talked with Dr. Bowers today. I'll need a revision, so in a few months, I'll have to travel to California again. This time I'll probably go alone.

I'm depressed about this far more than I really should be. I had horrible dysphoric nightmares last night. I have had a couple of episodes that remind me a lot of how I felt two and a half years ago. I'm trying to fight this - it can't possibly be as bad as it was back then, but having the feelings come back after being absent for three months was a nasty surprise.

With all the pain and other complications I had from the original surgery, I'm really worried about the revision, although I know it's minor. I really needed this to be over with. I'm pretty crushed that it isn't. I dread having another procedure done, but I feel even worse about things not being right with my vagina. I'm also really worried I won't be able to achieve orgasms even after the revision. I know the odds are it'll be fine, but my experience so far has been very different than what I was lead to expect.

I feel a lot of shame about this. I know that doesn't make sense.

I'm also afraid about keeping my relationship going with no sex for another half year, or how I'll feel about sex if I keep doing what I can to make him happy, but deriving little pleasure from it myself. I don't think we'll make it, frankly. The idea of no sex for another half year is pretty depressing to me too - I have a high sex drive, and not much I can do about it for a while. It's really frustrating.

Mostly, though, I feel shame, like I've failed somehow, like I'm a fraud.

I don't feel like I can talk about this locally. As my boyfriend points out, I'm a leader I have to show strength. But pretending to be happy when I'm scared and feel terrible is a lot like the way I used to live.

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, I am so sorry. You certainly are not a fraud. You had an unfortunate outcome, but you are able to go in for a corrective procedure. I know the wait sucks, but you waited to get here and even though you shouldn't have to, you will get through this. Keep talking through this and you will get there.

[Badtranny]

Well this time, make sure you spend a night hanging out with me and the roomie.

You'll be able to forget all about your problems while you're arguing with me.

[Rianna Humble]

Paula, I'm really sorry to read about these complications and how they are making you feel. You have no reason to feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong.

I have to take issue, though, with what your boyfriend seems to me to be saying. If you are regarded as a leader, then you can show strength by not hiding these problems from those around you. It is not strength to pretend nothing is wrong. A true leader will admit to those she leads that there are difficulties and will show them by example how to cope. That includes letting them see your endurance.

Pretending to be happy when you are scared is the exact opposite of leadership. How can someone trust a leader who lies to them?

I would prefer for you that everything had gone well and I certainly hope that the revision has the outcome you desire.

[Suzanne F]

Paula,
I am sad to hear about this complication. Please know I am available to help in any way when you return to California. I will be glad to go to the appointment with you if needed. Just let me know what you need.
Suzanne

[Starling]

You're in my thoughts, Paula.

Lallie

[Kris Avery]

Paula,

Let me know if you want to talk. You know how to get ahold of me. So sorry the saga continues.

I'll be down for more electro fun next Tuesday night, the 8th, if you are interested in our traditional dinner.

Anything you need let me know.

[PaulaQ]

I'm over myself today. Yes, I had a bad night Thursday night as the reality that I'd most likely need a revision sank in. I was pretty dysphoric, and that persisted most of yesterday. There are a LOT worse complications than the ones I've experienced. Yeah, this sucks, but it's not the end of the world. It's fairly minor, really. Annoying - exceedingly annoying, but it should be minor. I've finally calmed down, and realized that I'd already emotionally prepared myself for the worst case - something going wrong and discovering that I either couldn't have sex, or got no pleasurable sensations from it. My boyfriend and I had talked about this before hand, and we talked about it again today - we'd find some type of a workaround. He wouldn't let something like that damage our relationship, and neither would I. There's always a way around things. We both told each other that when we started our relationship, and it's still true. There is always a workaround.

And it's really unlikely it'll come to that. I'll be really sexually frustrated by the time I get the revision and heal up from it, but I'll live.

Anyway, I'm fine. I'm not ashamed, and I certainly still feel like a woman. It'd have been neat for the one stage procedure to work. It didn't, but at this point, I'm really no worse off than women who go to surgeons who do two stage procedures.

Part of the problems I've had emotionally with all of this is that I am the type of patient who needs to have their expectations managed. There are some people, like my boyfriend, who will worry incessantly that they are experiencing any and every symptom or condition that if the doctor tells them about even if it's terribly unlikely. Someone like that, telling them less is a mercy. Unfortunately, I'm not that type of person. If you tell me what to expect, I expect that to happen, or I go totally off the rails. If you tell me a range of possibilities, from best to worst case, I'm fine with that - I'll notice what's happening, and I may be annoyed if things don't go the best, but I won't panic. So I expected this would go off without a hitch, with minimal pain, and be a "one and done" type of surgery. I know plenty of women who had that experience. Unfortunately, wasn't my experience. Since I just hadn't talked to anyone who'd had the type of experience I've had, I got really upset and panicked.

A true leader will admit to those she leads that there are difficulties and will show them by example how to cope. That includes letting them see your endurance.

I completely agree with you Rianna. Thanks! I'll talk about this locally.

You'll be able to forget all about your problems while you're arguing with me.

LOL! Much love to you, Misty! I had wanted to visit you when I was out there for surgery. I figured I could do it towards the end of my post-op stay. I really overestimated how good I was going to feel post-op. I had thought "it'll be a bit of a stretch, but I'll walk around San Francisco a bit." The reality was more like "it'll be a bit of a stretch, but I'll walk from the shower to the bed now!" I'll definitely visit you upon my return. <3

Please know I am available to help in any way when you return to California. I will be glad to go to the appointment with you if needed.

Thanks Suzanne, I'll let you know when I know it's going to happen, and I may well need a ride. I'm thinking about going alone this time. I love my mom and my sister, they have been wonderful, supportive and generally amazing during my transition. And I loved it that they went with me for my surgery - they were really sweet. But I think my sister's health isn't where it needs to be to watch over me, and my mom, bless her heart, just isn't great when things are stressful. (I would be the one providing the stress...)

[Jennifer-GWN]

Paula;

Dispite a few setbacks I think you've done incredibly well. I feel for you and your day to day challenges and your desire to heal and move on. Your candor regarding your experience has been very helpful for me looking forward.

As a fellow tech I get the whole understanding the options and alternatives our analytical minds can drive us nuts sometimes as we sort through issues, weight the options based on known parameters, and deal with the potential outcomes possible.

I continue to wish you the best, know you are in good hands and all will work itself out in due course.

Best wishes... Jennifer

[PaulaQ]

I checked with Dr. Bowers office. I need to send them $1000 to get on the waiting list, and I'll have an 8 month wait for the revision. It'll cost me a total of $5000, plus airfare & hotel. It's not clear that my insurance will cover the revision at all. We'll see.

So basically over a year from the date of GRS before I'll find out whether or not sex works well for me or not. I am going to be so frustrated. Also, my boyfriend is making serious marriage noises. (He's talking spring.) I wonder if that's a good idea to do, not knowing whether or not sex will work for me with him. If it doesn't, I'll lose interest in it with him. I mean I'll do stuff, but he'll figure out sooner or later that I'm not getting much. There's other stuff I can do, but unfortunately not with him. Which is really a pity. He's not wired that way.

When I'm having sex with him now, what I get is really mild and pretty unsatisfying. I feel like I'm letting him down.

I guess we'll see if my relationships survives this, particularly with my guy. A year is a long time to fake it. I know some women do that all the time, but I don't see myself doing that.

Heh, this could really turn into a disaster. I'm moving in with him soon, and if things don't work out, I won't have a place to go, furniture, anything. I'd delay this all until next year after the revision, but I have already given notice on my condo, and have to leave it soon.

Yeah, this has the makings of an epic disaster for me. I'm kind of betting the farm on this relationship. It's not that I need him to support me, I make a lot more than he does. But I am in the process of getting rid of just about everything I own - furnishings, old kitchen stuff, etc. I'm moving in to his place, so if he gets frustrated with me, I'd be the one to leave. So I'd move into someplace empty, set up my computer, and buy a bed.

I mean, we might be OK, but our relationship is sort of predicated on having a lot of really good sex. Having that go away early on is a pretty big challenge to the relationship.

Yeah, this could totally blow up on me. Well, not much I can do about it now. I don't have to move in with him and then marry him, but I can't stay here.

I think I'm probably in trouble. Let's hope we can limp along some how, and that the revision fixes things, and we still exist as a couple by the time it does. That seems like a lot of stuff to count on going right.

Wonder if I can get into another surgeon sooner? I worry about having someone else follow up on her work. Maybe I could get it done before I'm married, or something idiotic like that. That would lessen the blow a little bit if it doesn't work out.

Faking it is starting to sound better...

[Suzanne F]

Paula
That scares me that you have to pay for the revision? Was there error on her part? What about having a skype like consult with someone like Dr Satterwhite?
Suzanne

[Zooey]

I mean, we might be OK, but our relationship is sort of predicated on having a lot of really good sex. Having that go away early on is a pretty big challenge to the relationship.

I'm assuming that he understands the nature of the surgery you had, and the timeline/nature of the one you're trying to arrange now. Given that, maybe this statement isn't as true as your think it is?

[Eringirl]

Hi Paula....

Sorry to learn about all of this....that sucks....

Just a thought....have you told him any of this???

[PaulaQ]

Ok, I'm booked for August 4, 2016. That could change I'm told, but that's what I'm looking at now. I paid my $1000 deposit. Yay.

Not much choice, really, I believe I probably will want to have a clitoris.

As for my boyfriend, we've talked about this some. He's willing to take a risk on me. All I can really think to do is try to figure out how to have a good time with what I've got now, hopefully finding something that works for me when we have sex. Hopefully before he marries me. I am scared about starting the marriage with a sex problem. We have a mixed orientation marriage - that's problem enough already. I don't want to add another problem on top of that.

Look, I know how shallow this has to seem. I spent my last marriage sexually frustrated. I just can't live that way again.

I'll keep working on it. I'll have to masturbate, try toys, figure out what, if anything will get me there. This is hard for me, I stopped enjoying masturbation during the worst part of my gender dysphoria. The desire to do it has never returned. I don't enjoy it, it brings back horrible memories. (I know - only I would have a ridiculous problem like this.) I have plenty of sex drive, I just don't masturbate. Between my physical and psychological issues with it, I'm not sure I can get there on my own. :/

I'm sorry I'm stressing over this so much. I'm dreading getting the revision. My experience with GRS so far has been really unpleasant. I'm scared something else will go wrong.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Paula dont be sorry.. feel however you feel..its totally ok...
but also be good to yourself....

I can say that in my experience a feeling of major let down after surgery is super common... and i had post op blues for quite some time..

i'm not downplaying anything, i'm just saying it to make sure you don't feel you are somehow inadequate..you are not.

add to that the very real complication you experienced and the issues about how its going to resolve and you have the setup for feeling bad.... but you are strong and thoughtful and sharing your story empowers you to stay on track and make certain that the benefits of the surgery are still foremost in your mind...

you've got woman problems, they are meaningful problems and you are working to solve them, its a hard truth as it says in your tag line...
....i hope you can have really good days really really soon

[PaulaQ]

I tried penetrative sex from my boyfriend. It was a disaster. I basically couldn't feel it. I got a little sensation from my prostate, but otherwise couldn't even tell when he was in.

This was a pretty big blow to his ego. We made it worse by trying again tonight. I fell asleep during foreplay - I felt nothing.

We talked all of this out, he assures me he's fine waiting as long as it takes.

I wonder if that's true though. He is already noticing that I have more fun with my girlfriend than I do with him right now. It's not that she can do much for me sexually either. But she and I do kink stuff that he's not interested in, and I domme her, so there isn't nearly the pressure on me to receive sensations. He's vanilla, and a too, so there's lots of pressure on me to orgasm. He gets a lot off my reactions - but I don't have any. I can't feel most of what he does right now. I'm happy to do stuff for him, but there's nothing in it for me, and that bothers him.

[Jenniferpl]

You are an inspiration and hero to many of us on this site. Your frankness about your GRS is refreshing.

You must remember you have had major surgery. Regarding feeling and sensation in your in new vagina, it make take several months before nerves start to grow into that area. Over time you should see an improvement. That coming from a person who has had several injuries that affect nerves.

Keep smiling and trying.

[Laura912]

Will throw in a medical opinion here that essentially agrees with Jennifer. Nerve regeneration varies from tissue to tissue. Although skin may have been moved to create new anatomy with the vascular supply preserved, the nerves will require some time to reconnect. Do not be surprised if it takes six months to a year. Sorry.