My son's transsexual girlfriend

[Mark/Rebecca]

About 8 years ago my son fell for a lovely girl and at some point discovered that she was a transsexual. It was his first serious relationship and he hasn't been serious with anyone since. He doesn't know I am aware of her being trans but my wife has discussed it with me and how they somehow think it has affected his ability to have a relationship with another female.
I as his father have decided that I am going to discuss with him that he was not a victim, that she was in fact a lovely girl and deserved to be in a loving relationship as a hetro female that I assume she was (post op?) and is. It is commonly perceived as deception to withold their transgender status, and I am not here to debate that. I just think that he needs to know that she was a girl and that the emotions they shared were genuine. He needs to move forward knowing he was a part of her life as much as she was a part of his, and her past was hers alone. I am still forming the content and delivery of this talk, and would welcome any insight from my sisters.
Thanks Becca

[Sarah Doepner]

I couldn't improve on what you have already. You will do great.

[Lorileah]

does he want to broach this or are you tearing a scab off an old wound? I wouldn't be the one to bring it up. It would be great if you were there to support him if he does. Does he know about you? Otherwise he will ask what your frame of reference is or take your advice with little note. I know you want to assuage his feelings but IMO it isn't your business until he brings it up to you

[Mark/Rebecca]

He does not know that I am somewhat enlightened, and I know there is a risk of him questioning my motivation, which is why my delivery would have to be careful. I have a hard time with the fact he needs some guidance and I see it as my job to help him. You may be right about an old wound, but I just dont see him moving forward.

[Welshgirl]

Hi Becca,

You don't say why this has come about now, but I assume you have your reasons for bringing it up with him. What you want to say to him sounds wonderful, though I think you will need the right introduction to the topic for him to take it in the way you mean it. As a parent, you have only his best interests at heart and this shows in what you are saying. The trick is to make sure that he understands this before you start, so that he doesn't think you are interfering.

Of course, you have a superb advantage over most fathers, as you have your dual gender perspective. I don't know if your son knows about this, but it would give you a much stronger position in the discussion, as you are speaking from personal experience and not just hypothetically.

Good luck,

Welshgirl

PS - I have just seen that your son doesn't know about your dressing - we must have been writing at the same time. I actually think that it would be worth telling him if he is to give your perspective the weight it deserves. He doesn't have to know your whole story, just that you are there on the spectrum and that you are aware that there is much more to gender expression than just the binary expression of male or female.

[ReineD]

Does your son think that his ability to have relationships with genetic-women is impacted by his past relationship with the trans-woman, or is this what your wife thinks? It would be interesting to get your son's views on this.

But, if he does feel affected by having been in a relationship with someone whom he didn't know wasn't a genetic woman at first, then how or why would this affect his ability to form relationships with genetic women? Lots of people have been in relationships that didn't work out for them (some of them for very painful reasons), but this does not affect their ability to move on. Could it be that your son is not attracted to genetic women and is afraid to tell you? There is no shame in not being hetero if this is the case.

As to how you might explain trans-women to your son, I fully agree with you. They are women who unfortunately were born with male birth-defects and of course they deserve to be seen as women and not men or people who used to be men. I just wish this was the way that most people in our society see it too. If having found out her past was the reason that your son broke off with her, then I'm afraid his attitudes are influenced by those of society as a whole, more than what you might tell him. I assume your son is now in his 20s?

As for broaching it with your son, you could simply ask him if he wants to talk about why he has not had a relationship in eight years. And in the process, you can certainly share your beliefs. This would not "out" you if you do not want to be outed. A lot of people have beliefs about transgenders one way or another, especially in the last few years as there are more and more TGs coming out in the public eye. You might even do as I did, when my sons were teenagers. I told them all that I would accept whoever they might be attracted to, male or female. This was because we had known a young man who had killed himself because his parents would not accept his homosexuality.

[debstar]

Hi Mark/Rebecca,

Thought I would throw my two cents in, just my take and you should take these comments as you wish.

That was 8 years ago and the fact that you have not seen him in a 'serious relationship' does not mean he has been doing nothing necessarily. Perhaps at his age he is discovering him self and I can still remember not wanting to discuss this with my parents for the love of god

Really, "I as his father have decided" is the wrong approach, please to not be offended but he is a person and unless you tell us he us underage then the sentiment feels a little heavy handed.

You have not provided background on why they broke up? perhaps they grew apart? why are you jumping to the conclusion that he is phobic and requires your advice?

If this relationship has effected his abilities to have relationships with females, then perhaps he likes guys? or any number of gender combinations.

[Bobbi46]

My pennyworth for what its worth, I totally agree with all that has been said so far, good advice all round but if having read what we have all said and you still feel the need to talk with him, I think it would be a good idea not to broach the subject outright just out of the blue but bide your time until you feel the atmosphere is right(by vibes given off by him) then broach the subject, it may be he in his own way is working through it.

[heatherdress]

Do you usually have conversations with your son and share your innermost thoughts, worries and joys?

If so, this planned conversation would be normal.

If not, maybe you should think about this. It is impossible for us to evaluate if this is good or bad because we do not know your son, you or the circumstances well enough. If you feel you need to confront him, or help him or advise him, maybe you should get some professional help first. You seem to be assuming a lot and I am not sure you have this discussion nailed. It is good that you care and want to help your son, but maybe this talk would be more effective if you had some help.

Good luck.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I have seen peoples past experiences in relationships affect thier ability to move on. There are some who have been abused or deceived by thier partners and have lost trust in others because of those experiences. Some do end up in new relationships but bring all of thier trauma, prejudices, and fears into the new relationship and assume that thier new partner is a replica of thier old one. I can see a possible concern of yours that maybe your son has mistakenly lost trust in women because of this experience, preventing him from moving on and he may also feel embarrassed because of society's misconceptions and stigma in regards to tgs and he may be trying to shield himself from further humiliation before his peers due to a repeated experience. Whether you talk to him or not is your call and may be good or bad. If you do, coming out could give you credibility in discussing these issues and he may take you more seriously and see that tg people are still people. It could also give him further hurt and lack of trust and certainty though so its your call as you know him best, just wanted to throw this out there. Good luck.

[AllieSF]

Good advice and questions so far. One more question. What does your wife know about him and about your activities and what is her opinion and recommendations?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Mark/Rebecca]

He is now 30. I will likely blurt out something like: We liked J** and you need to know that the girl you were with really was a girl even if she had to correct a mistake to be herself. This shouldn't affect your relationship with other women. To me your relationship was a normal one and if you ended up with her I would've been fine with that.
I know she told you a lot of lies, but she probably had to do that her whole life and hadn't been in a situation where she could be honest.

My family does not know of my crossdressing, except my wife who gave me an ultimatum many years ago.

Reine, Your talk with your teenagers should be mandatory for all of us as parents. I certainly talked to my children about acceptance, and almost all of us here know what it is like as a teenager to carry a burden.

[ReineD]

Would you consider asking your son directly why he has not had relationships with women for 8 years? He may offer an explanation that you had not thought of.

[mechamoose]

I think that opening the conversation with a question will get you further than giving a talk.

Treat your kids like they are adults and you will be pleasantly surprised at the responses you get. You *did* train them, after all.

- MM

[Karen RHT]

When it comes to matters like this, it's often better to listen, and listen well with an open mind, before we speak. You sound like a caring and considerate parent, but is it possible questions have been asked, or hints have been dropped, but missed??


Karen

[Krististeph]

Hmmmm...

Does he know you CD or as TG?

Opening the conversation might be a good intention- but make sure it is something your son is okay with.

If you son knows you are CD / TG already- this would be a much different spin than if he did not.

Are you planning on coming out to him? If so- this might not be the best way to do it- but it is so hard to say not knowing any of you.

Do constantly remind him that you love and support him, and that you see the good in him and encourage him to do so in others.

The simple fact that you are putting this question out to get feedback shows that you are reflecting on the possible ramifications and outcomes- anticipating and trying to plan for adverse effects. A most erudite and considered manner of action.

I agree with most of the replies- you will do well- just keep thinking it out and reflecting at every opportunity.

Best wishes

[Jaylyn]

If he is thirty, you have to ask yourself is it really your business anymore? Some guys are more into themselves at thirty than others. I'd be careful prowling into his business. If you raised him right he'll be fine. Our son didn't get married or date till he was in his late twenties. We worried about him and then he found the one he loves and they have blessed me two grandkids. Be careful how you approach this.

[mechamoose]

I have 3 kids, ranging from 14 to mid 30s. They all knew about me and were fine with it.. because love.

Your kids, even established people in their own relationships, still look to you for guidance. You don't ever get to step away from that.

Not like you would want to. You still see them making a mess over a bowl of Spagetti-o's.

Love them so hard it hurts. My kids still call me "Daddy".

And yes, you should talk with him. Let him know he isn't alone. Ask questions and don''t be judgmental. Your kid wants your 'buy in.'

Give them the room to be who they are. Please don't assign them a role before they have thought about that and what it means.\

'

- MM

[Mayo]

Would you consider asking your son directly why he has not had relationships with women for 8 years? He may offer an explanation that you had not thought of.

I agree with Reine. You might be jumping to conclusions.

As for myself, I understand that you mean well, and perhaps it's not coming across in print the way you intend, but when you use words like 'victim' and 'mistake' the tone of what you plan to say sounds... well, kind of negative or judgemental of trans people. I might suggest simply saying that you really liked her and she seemed like a wonderful girl. If he brings up that she was trans, just say "so what?" and the conversation might continue from there. If you choose to force the issue, ask if the fact that she was trans had anything to do with the relationship not working out. You could go on from there to say that you hope he finds someone he really loves, regardless of their gender (which includes male or trans).

[grace7777]

In my opinion, this is something you should stay out of. People do not need to be in a serious relationship to be happy. Now if he gets into a relationship that has disaster written all over it, then you should voice your concerns. Not being in a serious relationship in itself is not a problem.

[sometimes_miss]

Your kids, even established people in their own relationships, still look to you for guidance.

Really? How do you know? Maybe you did well into your adulthood, so you believe that everyone does? I didn't; so I believe that they don't.

Not like you would want to. You still see them making a mess over a bowl of Spagetti-o's. Love them so hard it hurts. My kids still call me "Daddy".

Well then, if someone in their mid 30's is still calling you 'daddy', there's a bigger problem going on there.

And yes, you should talk with him. Let him know he isn't alone. Ask questions and don''t be judgmental. Your kid wants your 'buy in.'

It's been 8 years and his son hasn't brought it up. I'm curious as to what makes you think his son has been dying for 'daddy' to tell him how to run his love life all this time and never said a word about it?

If he is thirty, you have to ask yourself is it really your business anymore? .

^this. It's not like he just had his first kiss yesterday and is acting all weird about it. He's an adult. Unless he's been in the habit of discussing his love life with you in the past whenever he met a new woman, it doesn't sound like he's just patiently waiting for you to break the ice. When they broke up, did he express to you some TG related reason why he decided not to go out with her anymore? And even if he did, why would you think that it's appropriate to suddenly bring up the matter 8 years later? And if he didn't, why would you decide unilaterally that he needs to be educated by you on his love life? On the contrary, it sounds more like you, as a dad, want to instruct him on how you believe he should feel and behave in his relationships. I don't see this going over well. If he wants to talk to you about it, he will. It's his life. Just because you and your wife thought she was a wonderful girl, and maybe a great match for him doesn't mean jack, unless your culture or family routinely arranges the marriage partners for their children......and even then, this is the 21st century. That's so last millennium. Unless he asks for your opinion about his choice of romantic partners, forcing it on him is probably not a good idea.

[gailbridges]

He doesn't know I am aware of her being trans but my wife has discussed it with me and how they somehow think it has affected his ability to have a relationship with another female.

Who is "they"?



Jaylyn, and Sometimes_Miss just saved me a lot of typing. (But I'm still going to expound)

He's 30. Unless he has some sort of emotional problems (which you have not indicated), he's doing fine on his own. MYOB.
If he's not fine, I'm sure he's smart enough to look for professional help.

This situation reeks of you wanting to tell him your status under the guise of "I'm just trying to help."
So it's been 8 years. So what? Why didn't you worry about this last year or the year before? Is it just because he's now 30?
Is his shelf-life about to expire?

Does he live with you? Do you see all his comings and goings? Does he not have a group of friends that he hangs out with that you have no clue about?
Could he be dating without your knowledge?

Seeking the 'girls' POV here is kind of pointless in that you've told us almost NOTHING about him. Plenty about you and your wife.
Clearly, this is YOUR issue, not his.

Sincerely,
Ann Landers

[Vickie_CDTV]

Did you son have a relationship with her after the discovery? Or did he end it right then and there?

Maybe your son is not in a relationship because of other problems. Maybe there is something else going on that keeps him from having a relationship, or some issue that keeps him from attracting the opposite sex? (something I knew plenty about.)

It isn't a father's business when his children are adults... but being a young (straight) guy it is unusual he has not had any interest in a relationship for so long. Just don't be too pushy... (I used to always be asked in my 20s and into my 30s why I don't have a girlfriend or date etc. by extended family members, and it got really old.)

[DAVIDA]

Well then, if someone in their mid 30's is still calling you 'daddy', there's a bigger problem going on there.

I just don't understand the relevance of this statement. I am a month shy of sixty and I STILL call my daddy, Daddy!
Does that mean I have a big problem?
If it does, SO!

[Mark/Rebecca]

This weekend my son and I did his brake job. This was the perfect opportunity for fatherly advise and support. I brought up the question of whether he was in a relationship and told him

"I know about J** and that we liked her. She is a girl. That was God's mistake and not yours. If you ended up with her I would be fine with it."

He casually acknowledged my thoughts, but what was interesting is that he was more talkative and at ease with me than he had been for a long time. I think possibly it is because he knows I don't think he is less of a man for treating her like a lady. ?? Anyway I have to say I was proud of myself and did my parental duty.