I think that is normal, especially if your CDing is sexually driven. Stress kills your sex drive, and your mind is likely on the divorce pretty much all the time now.ever been in this position and just want to forget all about your femme persona, and not do anything with her again?
For me, there was certainly remorse and an awareness that this sexual thing that was part of my life had caused the breakup. But when she moved out, I was also aware that I was at that point free to dress up as much as I wanted without the worry of her finding out. And since the sexual charge and payoff of dressing up was like a drug for me, I binge-dressed for a while. Better than drinking myself into a stupor, I guess. Eventually I got my life into better balance, and was able to have a successful and sexually satisfying marriage without the added complication of dressing up. You can't expect yourself to be in any kind of normal state emotionally right now. How that plays out depends on your own individuality. Try to keep yourself from doing anything crazy; encourage yourself to be involved in work and other social activities with other people; and let the healing happen. Things will get better with time.
Last edited by Lori Kurtz; 09-20-2015 at 06:29 AM.
I'm afraid I can't offer any advice. I went through a nasty divorce and my ex brought it up at one point and told a lot of people, but we had no children and I also knew I wouldn't be seeing most of the people she may have told ever again. Even the ones I did see who mentioned it, I denied my dressing and had a REALLY strong and VERY believable explanation as to why she "made it up" in an attempt to make me look bad.
In the end, it ended up being a non-issue for me and it never came up in the divorce proceedings. I will say that it caused me a MASSIVE amount of stress at the time worrying that it would be used against me.
In all honesty, unless she has written, photographed, or video evidence of you dressing, it's all hearsay. I can promise you it isn't the first time a spouse went mud-slinging in a divorce. You could easily stash away all of your CD items and let her come across like the bitter, vengeful party who initiated the split and made it as difficult and painful as possible for all involved but herself. In all honesty, it sounds like she's already well on her way to doing that.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know how closely I guard my "hobby" and I know that it would really suck ass to have to discuss something like that with friends and family. Even if you're denying it, it still makes them wonder why it was brought up.
About the only advice I could give you is to not let her use this as a weapon against you to gain leverage and get any more than she deserves by law. If she lawyers up, then you'll need to also. Pick your battles and choose your wars. Don't spend another several thousand dollars on another retainer to fight for a 400 dollar TV, but don't just let her have everything because you're too worried or too depressed to fight for anything.
I don't know... I guess I just wish you the best. Good luck.
Good luck - think of your future and do not let your emotions defeat your long term interests.
Rest assured, if not CDing, then finances, time together or something else.
Men have to know that the average female spouse decides on divorce 30 months before informing the husband and has been through the numbers with competent counsel. Men and women also have to know that much of their situations is not of their own doing but the effects of the changing expectations, roles and social relations between men and women.
Always take the moral high road and keep leading by example , especially during these tough times.
Last edited by kellyanne; 09-23-2015 at 05:33 PM.
Gail, you asked a question about dressing. What I did was box everything up and put them in my apartment closet and out of site.
Went through the divorce as a male and did not even have a girlfriend over the two years of dark days in the court. After the divorce I went another month as I was crazy for a woman at that time. I then dated about seventy five or more females and all of my friends friends. Wow, I did not go long term with any of them. But one of my friends said to meet this fine gal he knew. Yep, she was a fine girl and we did have a LTR. Yet that fell apart after my mom passed as i had to take care of mom. But I did crossdress at my apartment and with my ex girlfriend. But as life turns out another woman has come into my life. Many things in this relationship are far better than some of my other ones.
Part Time Girl
Been down that road with a divorce and the cross-dressing, yes the cross-dressing is the least thing to think about but once the ordeal is over with it will come back.
I was wondering how the court will address her lack of cognitive skills?
So, even if she is being influenced by her sister, the court won't see it as an issue.In California, “[i]t has been held over and over in this state that old age, feebleness, forgetfulness, filthy personal habits, personal eccentricities, failure to recognize old friends or relatives, physical disability, absent-mindedness and mental confusion do not furnish grounds for holding that a testator lacked testamentary capacity.” (Estate of Selb (1948) 84 Cal.App.2d 46 49 (Estate of Selb); Prob. Code, ยง 6100.5). As noted above, if a person with these deficiencies can still be held capable of creating a valid will, such a person can also be held competent to enter into a divorce.
Hope things go your way.
DonnaT
Gail - We all go through bad times in life. I did. I can understand your fear, anger, regret, anxiety, worry. I am also sorry for what you are going through. I can only suggest some basics.
Take care of your children. They need you and you need them.
Take care of yourself. Work out. Stay healthy. Keep busy.
Do not focus on the past. Look to the future. You will get over this mess and be better off.
Do not try to figure out your wife or her sister. She probably has physical and mental issues. Accept what has happened and do your best to be prepared for future challenges.
Try to stay close to friends. You need them. Do not be embarrassed because you are having troubles. Everyone does.
Maintain your faith and beliefs.
Focus on your job search. This is critical. Take a temporary job until you find the right one. You need income.
Try to get help finding a job. Network. Do not let your home issues stop your employment search.
File for unemployment immediately if you have not done so already.
Negotiate extra time to pay your bills and try to make sure your wife is paying her share, too.
Seek the help and understanding of your family (brothers/sisters/parents?). Maybe you can borrow some money from them to help right now.
See a therapist if you have coverage or find someone you can talk to that you trust. You need someone.
Make sure you sleep 7 or 8 hours a night.
See your doctor and make sure you stay healthy.
Don't worry about your crossdressing, your libido or your lack of interest in sports, hobbies or other things that normally interest you. You will return to normal.
Retain a good attorney you can afford.
Trust in yourself, do the right thing, do not get depressed, look to the future.
This will be over and you will be OK.
One bit of parenting advice from someone who has been there:
No matter how bad things get between you, please please please don't ever bash your (soon to be) ex in front of your kids. They are half her's and if you insult her, you insult them! No child should ever have to choose between their parents, even if one of them is a psycho... they need you both! Use this forum to vent your frustrations, but by all means, DON'T do it in front of your kids. Years from now, when the seas are more calm, you'll be glad you maintained the relationship and openness with the kids.
Hugs,
Steph
Judges are quite familiar with vindictive wives and husbands. They've seen it all. And most judges don't want to be in the position of divvying up the property, deciding custody. I have legal folks in the family is all I better say on here. But trust me, the lawyers generally work it all out before it gets to court, and the judge in most cases just approves whatever settlement has been reached. If the parties cannot agree, most judges will order mediation. As I said, the judge is not going to sit up there all day and decide who gets the sugar bowl, and who gets the silverware. If there is a dispute over the children, the Friend of The Court will make a recommendation, which is usually accepted by the judge. Joint custody is often granted, unless one parent should not have the kids for some good reason. Good luck.
Last edited by MelanieAnne; 09-24-2015 at 11:33 PM.
Gail, I am sorry to hear what you are going through, but those of us who have gone through divorce know three things (at least):
1. Most of us were blind-sided like you, but of course when we look back on it we say "Oh, I should have seen from...". We all have "20/20 hindsight", but no, we most likely would not have seen it. Most of us give others the same grace we thought they are giving us, so we do not see it. It doesn't kill you, and it will pass.
2. In most states (like mine), you are legally "separated" when one person leaves. Though you should put a notice in the paper (according to your state laws, ours requires it to be posted on a certain day of the week, for three weeks) stating that your finances are your own, and are separated from hers - you are still separated from the moment one of the parties leaves the other - and she did that when she took half of the cash out of the account, then came over with her dad to get her stuff. You should immediately (if not sooner) close your current bank accounts, and put all of your remaining assets in a separate account that has only your name on it (with POD to your kids). If she took out 50%, you take the remaining 50%, and put it elsewhere. Do this with all of your accounts. Contact all your credit card companies, close the account, or remove yourself from it, and transfer half of the bills (that were charged before the moment she left) into an account of your own. (There might be details to work out later, but this shows that you have done / are doing your best to make this a 50/50 arrangement, especially since she has already done the same by taking half the cash.) Everything needs to be done "in writing", especially with the credit card companies. You want it in writing from them that you are accepting half the debt, and she the other half. If you have been married over 10 years (and it looks like you have), whatever retirement funds you have made will be split evenly, too. (This is from my best friend, an attorney, licensed in both Oregon and California.)
3. As others have noted, the court is not interested in your sexuality or identity matters, or hers, and it does not play a part in their determination of custody, cash or other property. In our state children over 14 are allowed to determine whom they want to live with. The court has guidelines dealing with matters of alimony and/or child support, when the two parties cannot agree. However, it is common for divorce attorneys to spend lots of time haggling over the property, because they get paid by the hour! My friend points out to his clients that it is better (cheaper) to let them have the lawnmower, or the TV, or the chair they want, than to pay two attorneys $300 and hour, each, to haggle over it. (Again, advice from my attorney.)
As a practical matter, I believe the recent TV series "Becoming Us", and "I A Cait", to be interesting, informative, and a way to begin to help you look at, and understand, some things about yourself better, and can be a way to begin to share with your children. They are going to find out eventually, so why not share it on your terms, not your exes?
And, as others have said, if you can keep rudeness and hatred in the background, you will have a much smoother passage. Words cannot be "unspoken", and apologizing to the ex-in-laws is demeaning - its best to just not say those things in the first place. They all know that her MS, and other physical issues, are genetic, and you did not have anything to do with them. If she has been seeing a counselor, and dealing with her MS, and how stress makes it worse, and she now realizes that the iffy marriage plays a part in that - and some of the means of relieving her stress, and helping her health improve, is to not be around you, well, accept that. It does not mean she does not love or care for you, but it does mean she now understands what will help her.
Remember the good times you had as a family, including both her and the kids. Keep the good times in your heart and mind, and remember to deal with the ex-in-laws as you want them to deal with you, and with the kids - courteously. The father-in-law came over with her to help her do what she had to do, and to be safe. Never make him feel intimidated. Go out for coffee with him, and talk about "what you can do to make this easier for everyone".
If you have any questions for me feel free to PM me, and I will do my best to answer them, and to help in any way I can.
Hugs, Nancy
My second wife left me after 10 years "for a real man". The impact on me was to give up crossdressing. I took most of my femme clothes to goodwill and put into storage with furniture just some of my more expensive shapewear, wigs and forms. No benefit in further details but CDing was just one of the issues - running out of money was another.Originally Posted by gailbridges
I repartnered pretty much straight after to a wonderful woman - proving that life after your wife leaves you can turn out just beautifully. That was 7 years ago.
You asked whether your femme life will stay away. 3 1/2 years later my want/need to CD returned with a vengeance. I'm now out dressed some 4 days a week and thoroughly enjoying my femme time. I well understand your thinking but store and don't purge your femme life.
Last edited by Michelle (Oz); 09-25-2015 at 11:12 AM.
Although it's been said before, this fem/crossdressing thing is for life, even if you are heterosexual. Although it comes and goes, it always comes back, usually stronger. And it needs to be taken into account in any future plans, because it often goes away during the excitement of a new relationship.
Posting Permissions
