Wife leaving me. Need advice.

[gailbridges]

Hi, I'm Gail and I'm a crossdresser.

My wife has been acting weird lately. For the last couple of weeks, she'd been staying out all day and later into the evening. She was with her sister and best friend. My spidey senses were tingling, but I had no concrete proof that something was up.

This morning she was gone again, and for some reason I thought to look at our bank account online.... She took roughly 50% of our cash on hand.

I called her, and asked whats up. "I'm about 2 minutes from home. I'll talk to you then." So I go outside to talk to her, and the first to pull up is her dad, then her, then her sister, and then her male cousin. (I think they might have been afraid I was going to get violent with her, which is SO not my M.O.)
Anyway, I get in the car with her, she says she's leaving me.
I'm calm.
Why?
"It's all the stress, and the heat." (background: She has Multiple Sclerosis. Stress, heat, MS, do NOT get along. Plus, she had a (mild) heart attack and seizure last year and had to stop working. Her Disability has run out. As for me, I've been unemployed since January 6 and my unemployment ran out a few weeks ago). We've divested some investments to live on, and I am feverishly looking for work. So that's where we are.

Sitting in the car, I asked her, "Is this a separation, or divorce?" She says Divorce.

There is no doubt that we've been unhappy the last 9 months or more (well, actually add 6 months to that since she had her heart attack), but to me, better times are only a new job away.

There's a lot more to this, but I won't bore you with extraneous details, except to say that I know her sister's tentacles are all over this.

Here's where I'm worried. My wife knows about my hobby (but eventually came to a place of not wanting to know, y'know? And just so you know... She never actually saw Gail. Neither of us wanted that. I have always kept my activities out of her way.). I told her about my hobby after the first time we made love. She also told me that day that she had MS. (Offsetting Penalties, no?)
Up till now, I believe she has kept my secret to herself. BUT I'm worried that she told her sister, and that they will try and use my secret as leverage in a divorce and custody.
Kids are 17 and 15, and I KNOW they prefer staying with me. A previously divorced friend has told me that since the kids are older that the California courts would let THEM decide where they want to live. So I'm not so much worried about that, but since the kids don't know my secret, I would hate to see them dragged through something that will not do anyone any good. I hate being vulnerable like this.

Her MS had gotten worse in the last few years. Mostly her issues are cognitive, and less physical. Compared to many other MS patients, she's actually in quite good shape. Except, as I said, for the cognitive functions of her brain. She is easily persuaded, and focuses on insignificant details rather than the big picture of things. The big picture here is that I think this will put an even bigger wedge between her and our daughter. And will not do my son any good either. (side note: my 17 year old daughter doesn't even know any of this right now. She is on a high school retreat, and won't get back until early tomorrow afternoon. Unfortunately, she is going to come home tomorrow and BAM, Mom's gone!)
She truly is not making good decisions, and getting worse advice. (Does it surprise you to know that her sister and I don't get along?)

As for me, I've been blind-sided. There were no discussions about her getting away from the house, me, the kids, for a while. She sees a therapist. There were no requests that I go with her and we work things out. Just BAM, I'm leaving you, and it's going to be divorce.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

[Laura28]

Hi Gail, sorry to hear about your wife leaving. It must be tough having to go through it with even any notice. I don't really have any advice as I am married . However my oldest is going through a divorce right now. I see you are in the Inland empire as we are as well. I would suggest you speak to a lawyer ASAP so you at least know your rights, our hobby isn't really a factor other then her outing you, which would be a terrible thing for someone to do. I truly hope it works out for you. Laura

[Lori Kurtz]

I agree with Laura28 ... talk to a lawyer. And I think you should tell him or her about your crossdressing, so that if that fact about you gets used against you, your lawyer won't be blindsided. He/she will keep it confidential otherwise.

Apparently your wife's mind is made up, and whether family pressure took advantage of her condition or not doesn't matter. You need to take care of yourself, treating your wife fairly and insisting on fair treatment from her.

[Terri Andrews]

I am sorry to hear of you struggles .
I was in the same position 25 years ago and my ex told anyone that would listen about me being TG , including our Sons .
I went to a lawyer and he said that me being TG had nothing to do with any settlement .

My Sons never mentioned it again,not sure that is good , and the people I worked with were a little cool for awhile ,but then things were fine and 25 years later not many care.

[heatherdress]

First, sorry for all you have faced. You will get through this, but you need help.

See a therapist ASAP. Find a good lawyer. Seek out trusted friends. Stay close to your children. Stay healthy. Work out. Keep your faith. Believe in yourself. Continue to look for employment. Don't worry about your crossdressing - there is nothing you can do about it anyway. Try to approach the divorce in an amicable manner. Seems like your wife is in much worse shape than you and should not be looking for a fight. I would also be concerned about your bank account if she took 50% already.

Good luck. You will get through this.

[Aleca]

I too would talk to a therapist. If you can't afford one, talk to someone on your local crisis hotlines. Someone who will listen, let you vent, work next with the attorney and yeah, if you think the crossdressing is an issue talk about it, with the therapist, even the attorney. Next thing I would do, stay off social media, Facebook, etc ....even this site. Reason being you probably can't think very clearly right now and if you can't think with a clear head, you can't write with one, end up saying the wrong thing and someone could give you wrongful advice or upset you and feel worse. Write down your thoughts, your pros and cons, negative and positive on paper or even websites where you can do same. Use the internet only for local information of mental health services and/ or attorney information, or emails but I would again stay away from social media for a while.

[L'eggs n' heels]

Hang in there and be strong. The courts in California are always biased against the Husband. I know, I was there a few years ago, but not nearly as bad as what you got in going on. My heart goes out to you.

[kimdl93]

My advice is simple. Take care of your interests. First and foremost , get a job as that will help your future in order regardless. Then, don't fight too hard about custody. Kids are not something to fight about. Just let them know you're ther for the,, no matter what!

[RADER]

Hi Gail;
I have been down the same Road as you are on with my first wife.
She started listing to all her friends and relatives about this Divorce
thing, so like you, she blind sided me also. I had just built us a home,
Have a Mortgage, so she goes out and buys a new car, drains the bank
account, leaving me about 30% of the original amount, Then runs up
a big Credit Card balance.
GET A Lawyer, I am not sure of the laws in your country, but in the States
back a long time ago, I was up the tree with out a paddle.
We where divorced, Was paying off all the bills and giving her child support,
and not even having any money for food.
My folks let me dine with them a few days a week for over 4 years, until
I could start seeing my head come out of the water.
If I had a Lawyer from the start, She would have been liable for some of the bills.
Good Luck...... I know it is hard, but it is just best to walk away.
You will see in the long run that it was best.
Rader

[IamWren]

Gail, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I echo what everyone above has said having been through a divorce (and a really ugly one) that involved my (at the time) very young daughter.

If your sister in-law is whispering in your wife's ear it sounds like this is going to be a steep, uphill fight. It also sounds like your wife has her mind made up.

I wish someone would have given me the advice to liquidate everything. I wish I would have been told that the divorce would become an ugly game of chess where you have to think two and three moves ahead. I wish I would have gotten a lawyer the day that she told me she wanted out.

Another thing I wish someone would have told me was to keep living... keep doing... get up in the morning with a purpose, with things to do. I wish you the very best.

[Robin414]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation Gail! My advice echos Heather's completely! I've seen a friend go through a similar situation and it's rough, the courts side with the wife but your circumstances are IMHO a little less damaging for you. I'm confident you'll come out OK and when things are bad, they can only get better!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think you got a lot of good advice from the people above, but I can talk about MS.

My wife has MS, and it was diagnosed over 30 years ago.

She has always had problems with the heat, and the stress causes her to lose it at least once a week.

She is also having cognitive problems that she never had before.

I keep kind of expecting that she will either walk out or kick me out. She knows about my CDing, but it's totally DADT.

In the event divorce comes up, I would tell her that making my CDing public may impact my job, and at my age (62), I'm not likely yo find another. Whatever alimony the courts may order aren't worth anything if I don't have a job to pay alimony. And, I think I could live on a lot less money than she could.

I would also try to force her to get on the social security disability dole. She hasn't been able to work a full 40 hours per week in years, but I didn't want o force her to apply for SSDI, even though there were times that we could have used the extra money.

I guess my advantage is that my daughter is almost 32, but she moved back into the basement a year ago. If we got divorced, I'm not sure if either one of us could afford the house, so darling daughter might have to find her own place.


Her MS had gotten worse in the last few years. Mostly her issues are cognitive, and less physical. Compared to many other MS patients, she's actually in quite good shape. Except, as I said, for the cognitive functions of her brain.

[OCCarly]

I am sorry for your troubles. Now for the disclaimer: What follows is for informational purposes only, and does not constitute legal advice. So here goes:

1) In California, children over 10 years old do get to have a say in which parent they live with, so long as it is for rational reasons such as "I want to stay in the school I am in now and not lose all my friends" and not less mature ones such as "Dad lets me eat pizza and play video games all the time."

2) If you are broke, most California courts have some kind of family law self help centers where you can get help filling out the forms and filing them. Here is San Bernardino County: http://www.sb-court.org/SelfHelp.aspx Here is Riverside County: http://http://www.riverside.courts.c...elf-help.shtml

3) Child support is figured out by a nasty computer software called Dissomaster. You can access a version of it here: https://www.cse.ca.gov/ChildSupport/...lineCalculator If you are unemployed, the courts will usually impute an income to estimate child support payments, based on your work experience, level of education, and prior record of earning capacity. Usually child support lasts until the later of the child turning 18, finishing high school, or turning 19 without finishing high school.

4) If child support is awarded, it will not last very long for you. However, if the marriage lasted longer than 10 years, the courts usually award spousal support as well, and this could be a problem, given your wife's disability.

5) Do not worry about the crossdressing thing. Gay marriage has been legal here long enough for the family courts to have seen their share of gay divorces, child custody fights, etc. The courts are not supposed to discriminate.

6) Although a lot of family courts do favor mom, this is not true with high school age children. The big question is going to be which parent does a better job of getting them to school functions, events, band practice, football, cheerleading, soccer or whatever, and helping them with their studies, college/vocational prep, etc., and if Mom has a major disability, then she might not be the most effective parent at that.

Hang on to your common sense, be careful, and let us know how things go.

[CarlaWestin]

..........I am not sure of the laws in your country, but in the States..........

That's just too funny to pass up.

Gail, I really feel for you. There's a rough road ahead but, you're heading for resolve of a lot of issues that are a lot of pressure for you now. In the long run you will be much better off. And it is all but impossible for children to stop loving their father. And remember, TG people have just as much rights as anyone.

[StephanieJ]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been exactly where you are just a few short years ago. Fortunately, I survived thanks to a lot of support and good advice from our sisters here on this site. My situation is very similar to yours (including the crazy in-laws) only my ex dealt with mental rather than physical health issues.

My ex went about town telling everyone, including our kids, about my CDing. The interesting thing is that all but one or two of my friends said, "so what, I still like you anyway." Even the judge in divorce court flatly dismissed her argument that CD'rs are perverts and should be kept away from the kids.

Like you, our children preferred to stay with me. So fast forward three years and I have full custody of the kids, ages 13 thru 18. She has moved on and is on a fairly self destructive path. I feel bad for her because when she is on her meds, she is a wonderful person.

Being single has it's ups and downs. Sometimes it can be lonely and taking care of kids (even teenagers) by yourself is A LOT of work. On the other hand, I can go out whenever I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. Not sure I will ever marry again, in fact, I have strongly considered transition once the kids are raised... but I digress. I pray your situation turns out well. I guess the only advice I would give at this point is to get a good lawyer and stay off of Facebook!

Hugs,
Stephanie J

[MelanieAnne]

From your post, it doesn't sound like the crossdressing played much of a part in the divorce. It's true, the kids are old enough to decide who they want to live with. It's unlikely she made her decision on short notice. She likely has been thinking about a while. And she probably is getting bad advice from meddling friends and relatives. That she only took half of the cash is a good sign, that she may be somewhat fair minded. Most women take it all! The divorce is probably inevitable. And while it hurts now, you will get over it in time. This would be a good time to explore your crossdressing, and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Don't make the mistake of running out and getting involved with someone else right away. And get a lawyer. As for the crossdressing, it's considered within the normal range of male behavior!

[Tracii G]

Get an attorney and spill your guts.
Get everything out in the open to your attorney.
I'm really sorry you are going thru all of this.
I have been blindsided twice myself so I know how that feels.

[Katey888]

Good advice already Gail...

I can't add anything but to try to reassure you that many of us have been through this and it is possible to come out the other side - just look after yourself and be prepared to use every resource, friend, support that you can to help you through this. It's a totally crappy thing to have to go through, but if it's happening then best get it over with as quickly as possible. I don't know if this applies to you, but perhaps no longer having a geographical tie (if you were able to move without being accused of abandonment) might improve your employment prospects? Anything is worth thinking about in these circumstances...

Good luck - come back and talk to us if you need to...

Katey x

[NicoleScott]

I would not assume she is being fair minded because she withdrew only half the money. You had to discover she took it. Given this, you should protect your interests and not give her the opportunity to get the rest of it.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You're either a great actor, or one of the most got-together people on this forum. Your thinking is clear and realistic, you're not wallowing in self pity or playing the blame game - ok the sister is fair game - you see the big picture, and I think you already know the answer to all your own questions. I think you're really here to vent, and god knows that's justified.

Good luck with your job hunt- I imagine you interview well, hope you land something that brings happiness and prosperity.

Your wife's appalling selfishness in leaving home without explaining her decision to your daughter - you don't mention how she handled breaking the news to your son - resonates strongly with me, as my father left home when I was ten and left my mother to break the news to me. I never forgave the p***k, and as you imply, her r/ship with your daughter is going to become all the harder for it.

I definitely think you need to warn both kids about the crossdressing, as they are certainly going to hear all about it soon enough, from one person or another. It's going to be hard for them, but harder still to hear it from a smirking 3rd party.

Oh Gail, I do wish you well, and thanks for sharing this with us.

Hugs, Nikki

[Stephanie47]

On the financial side my advice is to close the joint account and move the remaining 50% of the assets to an individual account. I suspect she already has consulted an attorney since California is a community property state. Thus she is entitled to a 50-50 split of any assets. I would also cancel any joint credit cards. If she has prepared for a marital dissolution, she knows the debts will be argued over. All that is the easy part.

The hard part is the kids. Yes, at their age they can decide with whom they want to decide. With a lack of funds I suspect your wife is going to move in with her father or sister. Eventually the kids are going to find out about the cross dressing. If your kids are mature enough, they will weigh cross dressing against the father you have been for them. I always think about "What if my son and daughter found out about Stephanie?" I'd ask them "What was different about me today than yesterday?"I suspect the cross dressing will be the reason given for the dissolution. It always seems to be the fall back position. A little of blaming it on cross dressing. And, the secretive cross dressing may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Of course, her illness, unemployment, and, other "ordinary" issues that arise in a marriage may have contributed.

See an attorney. And, fess up to the attorney at to your cross dressing. No attorney wants to be broadsided. The court is only interested in divesting property and debts, and, child support obligations.

[AmandaM]

As others have said, immediately take out the remaining cash, lock down all other accounts, etc. And you may consider changing the locks and putting in storage anything of value. Do it now!

[gailbridges]

Thank you all for your support. It really does mean a lot to me that there is a group of people out there that can empathize.

Wife and I are meeting my daughter soon (who is getting dropped off at her school after a school retreat) to tell her the news.

I already have a call in to an attorney friend who knows a divorce specialist.

Bank accounts and credit cards closing tomorrow. Some today.

House door locks getting changed today.

Nikkilovesdresses, I agree. Some of this is venting. But I've felt a little numb since the news and right now, this community is one of my anchors as well as my friends in the non-gender-aware community.

Thank you all again. Your responses are so very appreciated.
And I hope to still get some input. Any reinforcement to keep me on track is most welcome.

Again, thank you.
Gail

[Bria]

Gail, I'm sorry to hear of your problems, I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Laurana]

Been in your heels sister.

Except I'm the one with the MS. My ex couldn't handle it and started cheating around on me. What you wear for clothes will have no bearing on how a judge decides things. The judge should(and probably will)talk to the kids in private so they won't even have to be part of the entire process.

Feel free to message me if you want.