First time meeting with wife and therapist together

[lorisdream]

About 3 weeks ago, my wife asked if she could tell her therapist that I was transgendered. So I said sure if it will help us get through all of this. Well today, I was the third member of the session. I know this doctor and we have worked before on other issues. So anyway, my wife says all is fine, but when I put on makeup to go eat, she does not want to be the one to explain my transgender-ism to a family member. She said either go out all the way, or stay in! She also said she wants a man in the bed, not a pink gown. BTW, I wear a gown every night for the past 7 years. That is going to be difficult to stop.

I think we made progress. My wife allows me to do nearly anything I desire. I would never want to put her in a position that is uncomfortable for her. I am almost to the point where I don't care if her family knows. I think her daughters know already. For now, I think I will chill as we have a wedding for her youngest daughter coming up this Saturday. I am the cook for the 60 guests coming after the rehearsal dinner. I have pulled pork, beans, slaw, baked potatoes and all the stuff that goes with it. No time to think about pink gowns right now, right??

It saddens me that my wife has finally said she does not like this part of me. She has always been the most supportive woman I have ever known. I hope we can find an even ground on this issue. Sorry I am just venting. Feel free to comment!!! Any advice is you have is appreciated.

[Jenniferathome]

...

...She also said she wants a man in the bed, not a pink gown. .... That is going to be difficult to stop.

... I would never want to put her in a position that is uncomfortable for her....

...She has always been the most supportive woman I have ever known. ....

Lori, look at your words above. If you don;t want to put her in a position that is uncomfortable for her, then elimination of the nightgown should not be hard.

And regarding her support. She IS supportive. Participation does not equate to support. You even wrote that she "allows you to do nearly anything you like." There are many here who would give their right arm for that level of support.

[kimdl93]

It's good that your wife was able to discuss this with you and her therapist. I'm surprised that she had not already, but that's neither here nor there. It's easy to mistake tolerance for support. Tolerance isn't bad, I suppose, but it suggests that an SO may be enduring a constant, low level degree of stress and over time, stress will take its toll.

Though you certainly didn't intend to do so, it appears that you have made her uncomfortable. And could it be that her comment the you should go all the way or stay in, is simply another expression of frustration?

One session with the therapist is certainly only the start. My hope is that you'll have other opportunities to help work through her concerns and to find an arrangement she can genuinely support without enduring stress.

[heatherdress]

It is good that you are seeing a therapist together. Continue to work together, communicate and make progress.

You should not be disappointed. This seems like you are both communicating, making progress and growing closer. Good luck.

[char GG]

Let me get this straight.... She is the most supportive woman you have ever known; she is willing to see a therapist; you do nearly anything you desire. Why is it so hard for you to understand that she wants a man in bed? She married a man. Is it too much of her to ask that you don't wear a "pink gown" to bed? I think you should be grateful for what you have. Marriage usually involves some type of compromise. Maybe try not wearing a gown to bed for the next seven years.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Loris,
Oh girl, her youngest daughter is getting married and her whole family is going to be around and everything has to be right and ect ect Yes I am thinking the mother of the bride is gong to be pretty stressed and maybe even more then the bride herself. I am willing to bet that things will get back to normal when its over and she remembers to breath again.
Just my suggestion, but give her some support and give in to some of her requests, you love your wife so smile at her temporary crazy and know for her, her youngest leaving the nest is a BIG deal. I am going to bet that the more you give her now and the more you help her through this, the more supportive she will be for you when this is over.
That's just my 2 cents and don't feel sorry for venting it's part of why we are here. I really do hope that I am right and that everything gets better for you soon.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your wife may be going through more than she has told you, hence the therapist, and your crossdressing tendencies may be only the first issue which she chooses to bring up in a group session.

As Victoria D points out, chicks leaving the nest is a huge thing, perhaps more so for her than you, and she may be facing a mid-life crisis of sorts.

I'd turn your marital radar up to 10 if I were you, be the best husband you can, and yes, quit the nightgown for as long as it takes. She sounds very reasonable- she may one day tell you it's ok to wear it sometimes.

Nikki

[Stephanie47]

Being supportive does not necessarily mean she likes what you are doing.....and certainly not in the marital bed. If your wife allows you to do "almost" anything you desire, maybe you need to listen more closely to her likes and dislikes. I know some people do not get subtle clues and need to be hit over the head.

I will wholeheartedly agree your wife should not need to explain your feelings of transgenderism to any of her family or anybody else. Own up to it.

[docrobbysherry]

Loris, I believe u left out a most important point. U r asking us for help/advice after meeting with what sounds to be an experienced therapist. Yet, u didn't mention a word of her/his advice!

[ReineD]

I am almost to the point where I don't care if her family knows.

Quick question ... I'm wondering how your wife feels about her family members knowing. The decision to not tell them in the past - was it hers, yours, or both of yours?

It saddens me that my wife has finally said she does not like this part of me. She has always been the most supportive woman I have ever known. I hope we can find an even ground on this issue. Sorry I am just venting. Feel free to comment!!! Any advice is you have is appreciated.

Communication is tricky. We tend to translate what people say into what we think they mean. Did your wife actually SAY that she doesn't like this part of you, or did she say that she wants a man in bed and she feel uncomfortable with the in-between look (I think you were saying that you go out in guy mode but with makeup on?) so she would prefer you to present full on as a woman or not at all?

[lorisdream]

I love all the responses. Yes I will take your advice to heart.

I suppose the bottom line is I've become somewhat selfish with the freedom I've enjoyed over the years. One of the problems when we chatted with the therapist was my wife cannot lie. She WILL NOT LIE about things. So when a daughter asked her about a dress or a gown she saw in the closet, she just said that XXX(me) likes it. Not a lie, but not the truth. That really bothers her. That, along with me wanting to dress more frequently and even go out has her somewhat disturbed. She either wants me to come out to all, or keep it more hidden. There is no in-between for her. She will accept whatever I decide. She says that is not fair; for example if her sister saw me out somewhere partly dressed, my wife would be asked to explain. She does not want to be in that position. I will honor that.

We meet with the therapist again in 2 weeks. Since this was our first time meeting to discuss cross-dressing, I think we all were unsure how to begin the dialogue. They did their best to not embarrass me, and I felt fine the entire session. BTW, our therapist is female. We have used her the past few years for other issues that pop up (not CD related). What we got from this first meeting about me was that I need to calm it down, or bust it loose. I am very fortunate to have a wife like her. She loves me and will stand by me no matter what I decide.

My wife is an advocate for all things gender-bender related (is that even a word?) She is also in a position to where she can voice her (knowledge or opinion) to others in a group setting. For one thing, she has first-hand experience being married to me, right? In her presentations, she does know what she is talking about. She works for a school district and their policy now is if a genetic boy says he is a girl, the school must honor that statement...My how times have changed........and this is in elementary school.

Victoria,
I will do exactly as you say. This is going to be a very hectic week. I think you may be right about all of this. Weddings are hard for mothers......I get it.