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Thread: Starting something.

  1. #1
    Member Abby Kae's Avatar
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    Starting something.

    After reading Stacey B's post "START something", I've decided to, well, start something.

    When I joined this forum two months ago, I thought I was just a crossdresser. I didn't know then, and still don't now, how deep this rabbit hole goes for me. What I do know for certain is that there's more going on with me than just wanting to wear women's clothing.

    I quickly latched onto the transgender label, and refused to contemplate the transsexual one, because when I came out to my wife (as CD, and then later as TG) she told me she wouldn't stay if I transitioned. It's fair to say that with my permission to myself to explore these feelings, things have escalated quickly. Way too quickly.

    I've tried to tell myself that I am only a woman part of the time. I've asked stupid questions here that show my complete lack of understanding. I'm not at all prepared to be open to the idea that I'm something other than TG. To do so risks everything, as everyone here knows well.

    As I struggle with my gender identity, I've read every article and blog post and forum post that I could get my eyes on, and sometimes I am reassured that I am not on the road to transition. I haven't known from a young age that I'm in the wrong body. I haven't experienced the same thoughts and feelings that "real" transsexuals do.

    But most of the time, I find thoughts and feelings that resonate with me to my core. My discovery of "indirect gender dysphoria" has rocked my world again, because yes, I am living that. I know what it's like to hate myself and my body, but without knowing WHY. Wanting to claw my skin off to see what's underneath, the need to know what is hiding just beneath the surface, not understanding why I just can't be happy in my own skin. Always feeling that something is wrong with me, and being confused by that feeling because I look the same as I always have.

    Since discovering what gender dysphoria is, it has answered so many questions for me. I now think I know the source of the depression that has been a daily part of my life since entering puberty, and as I take steps to alleviate it, I feel better. Not great, because I'm scared of what it means to my life, but better.

    My steps have been small, hesitant, little baby steps. Shaving my legs, arms, chest and back. Putting on long hair. Wearing nail polish. Shaving my beard. Dressing as a woman. These all help reduce the pain and anxiety that I've been living with, but bring on new fear and anxiety. I know none of this is what it means to be a woman, but erasing my masculinity with these superficial cover ups is such a soothing balm to my soul.

    I've tried to see myself as male since taking these baby steps, and I can't. When I look in the mirror without the wig and makeup, I just see a woman. Now that I feel like I've seen the real me, it's difficult to go back to the default that I've had for so long.

    My wife is struggling just as much as I am. What I thought was unconditional acceptance in the beginning, wasn't. I just wasn't being told her truth. She didn't lie, but she suppressed her own fears and anxieties in order to better support me. She's starting to open up more to me, but things are shaky. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to keep her trapped in her own unhappiness and dissatisfaction just so I can be happier. I'm terrified that my happiness and hers are at polar opposite ends.

    I called for therapy this morning, finally pulling the trigger, and was told that my preferred clinic has a 5 month waiting list for intake and diagnostics. I can't wait that long anymore, not with how fast this is progressing, so now I'm hunting for basically anyone that has any experience in this field.

    I can't claim a label anymore, because I'm changing on a daily basis, and maybe that's a good thing. I've always liked them to help explain me to myself, but now I'm left thinking if I've been using them like a life boat; clinging desperately to whatever keeps me from going somewhere that my wife can't or won't follow, even as I let go just a little bit at a time.

    So here I am, letting go just a little bit more.

  2. #2
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    It's tough.. No debating that,, What should you do? If you read my thread you should no we have NOT got that answer, We can tell you what we did, We are not married to your wife and havent ever met her. We couldn't even fathom your personal situation nor could we give any advice that was worth anything other than blowing Hot air, I for one don't have a Friggen clue what this crap is all about but I just know after a life time of trying this and that my only saving grace has been to try and Transition to something, What,, That is yet to be seen.

    If you met me on the street you would never know my struggles or pain of all of this,, CDing is different than this,, You can walk away and lock up all your little outfits in a hiding place and resume your masculine male persona at will. We as TS chix don't have that Luxury . Late in life when you lose your T and have no more defences you are left out in the cold to fend for yourself and look at your real self for once and see who you really are. So tread light and stand strong and I hope it all works out for you and if you need to know what worked for US don't be scared to ask.
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  3. #3
    Member Abby Kae's Avatar
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    I think what I need most right now is to hear of the very few success stories of marriages that survived.

    I know it's unlikely, maybe even impossible, but I just want some glimmer of hope to hang onto. I could really use some hope right now.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    Abby
    I am mid transition and my marriage has survived. My wife also said she didn't think she could endure me transitioning. I don't think think you can really determine who you are through her eyes. I had to detach and let the real me out. I had to let her have her own experience and determine what she wanted on her own. We have found a stronger love than we realized. It is possible if not probable. You owe it to yourself and her to find your authentic self, no matter who that is.
    Suzanne

  5. #5
    Member ErikaS's Avatar
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    Abby
    I myself are in a very similar spot in life at 53 and 30yrs in the military trying to hide or what ever, i want to be myself but at what cost. I have told my wife and she is also trying to understand i do not want to loose her. so I to need something to help me through this tough time. I don't really know what is going to happen but I need to stop trying to keep it inside and work it out by myself, I have been trying to be a better person but depression and despair are right around the corner. I am in therapy and have some support but its the will my marriage survive question? I know I can't find the answer here but with more success stories and support who knows. I have started low dose HRT to try to help me be calmer and more center maybe more yoga and coffee ...

    Erika

  6. #6
    Member Abby Kae's Avatar
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    Thank you Suzanne and Erika, and all of those who messaged me privately.

    I was asked some difficult questions, and the repercussions of my honest answers scare the hell out of me.

    I guess my goal now is ruin as little of my life as possible as I start down the road that leads to me.

  7. #7
    Formerly Deborah Whitney
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    This is my outlook, too.

    I PM'd you too, but publicly: this whole thing is hard. Really hard. If you put in the work, you can get through it without destroying anyone's life. We are here for you.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abby Kae View Post
    I think what I need most right now is to hear of the very few success stories of marriages that survived.

    I know it's unlikely, maybe even impossible, but I just want some glimmer of hope to hang onto. I could really use some hope right now.
    I don't want to give you too much hope, but I personally know of several couples that stayed married.

    Read "She's not there A life in two genders by Jennifer Finny Boylan

    http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There...ennifer+boylan
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  9. #9
    Formerly Deborah Whitney
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    It is possible to save a marriage, despite transitioning. My wife is still with me, and we are both unsure of her actual boundaries. Years ago, her boundary was that she never have to look at me dressed; later, she just didn't want to see me in a wig; now she is more determined than ever that we will stay together, even though I am working on a full transition.

    I share your hope, Abby. It is a slim hope, but it's what I've got.

  10. #10
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    I don't even look at it as "Saving" a marriage. Something has to be wrong to be saved. A marriage just continues.....

  11. #11
    Member Abby Kae's Avatar
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    My first therapy session is scheduled for Friday afternoon. (I called a new provider, one that doesn't have a 5 month waiting list.)

    I'm still scared, more scared than I've ever been about anything in my life (and I have a teenage son that just got his license and a car), but today is a day of hope.

    What seemed so far away yesterday morning now seems like it's gotten a little brighter, a little easier to grasp onto.

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