a better relationship with my wife

[kinkyboots]

Has anyone else found they now have a better relationship with their wife or SO since you came out to them?
My wife says we have. More honesty, less pushing down feelings that eventually come ouy as bad mood. More give and less take. More communication, and less doing our own things.
i think because I'm not trying to hide my feminine side anymore around her makes me fell more whole, more balanced. I'm still presenting as her man 95 percent of the time, but she knows there is and odd mix going on inside of me.
before i came out to her, she thought we were likely heading for divorce as soon as out kids moved out, because of all the negitive reasons mentioned above.
i love my best friend and i hope our marriage is better for the long run now.

[Isabella Ross]

Your experience completely resonates with me. Absolutely, I am a better person, and my marriage is significantly better, since I 'fessed up to myself and my wife about eight years ago. If only I had the courage to do it so much earlier in my life -- a lot of frustrating years would have been avoided. Take note, young TGs/CDs who are hiding the truth from their SOs...

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I were first married there was some bedroom play for about four years that included nylon gowns and hosiery. She seemed to enjoy the benefits of a more arouse husband. But, when she and I realized there was so psychological stuff behind the bedroom play, i.e., cross dressing, she got turned off. The tipping point was when I bought a red Vanity Fair bra and panty set. She could not understand why a guy, who has nothing to "pack into a bra," would want to wear a bra. So, the allowable kinky fetish was OK, but, something further turned into a no-go. That was forty years ago. As you have read on this forum there are many marriages that have rock bottomed with a revelation.

All the "womanly" attributes I've always had were there before I met her, and, remain still. The clothing just gets in the way.

[daviolin]

My marriage is definitely better since I came out her about 7 years ago. We just have to know the cut off place and not push the envelop. Which I do all the time. Daviolin

[Ally 2112]

Unfortunatly my x wife hated everything about it even tho she wanted to me to respect her feelings and understand the way she felt .You figure it out ? lol

[Natalie Wood]

OMG I agree full heartedly with each and every point you made. My wife and I just read your post and we were both agreeing the whole time. The one thing I will add is that we thought we were heading for a divorce too b4 I came out. She knew I was hiding something from her and of course she thought it was another woman. Lol I guess she was half correct. Our relationship has grown so much stronger since 5 years ago when I came out to her.

[reb.femme]

As per Stephanie's reply, I too had the benefits of said items of clothing but the big reveal put an end to that. She is accepting but not supporting in the broader sense of the term.

A good spread of opinions given here as to the benefits or not of being out to the wife/SO, however, the good stories would appear to be dwarfed by the number of negative outcomes on the forum in general. As that opinion is not based on scientific fact, I would still just caution all who feel compelled to reveal based on the good life situations of others. Just consider the worst case scenario, am I prepared to lose everything on the big reveal?

If your answer is yes, then go ahead and I seriously and sincerely hope all works out well for you, but think before you leap.

Rebecca

[Leslie Langford]

I hate to pee on your parade, kinky, but as they say - your mileage may vary...

I've had the exact opposite experience. My crossdressing has become the proverbial elephant in the room for 40+ years of marriage - always lurking in the background, and available to be trotted out at a moment's notice as a way of attempting to shame or guilt me out over any real or perceived transgressions that are laid at my doorstep. Of course, my fatal error was not revealing this part of me before we got married...I thought it was a passing distraction that marriage would "cure" - NOT!, as we all discover sooner or later. It's all been downhill from there.

Of course, I am now the perennial villain because of this error of omission, and destined to be blackmailed forever more using guilt as the principle tool to try to keep me in line. After all, whatever unhappiness my wife has experienced in our marriage by definition is "all my fault", and "I ruined her life" for imposing this crossdressing thing on her. Ah yes, the long-suffering martyr...

Needless to say, we are in an ironclad DADT relationship - well, to be precise - DADT from my perspective at least, and I try to follow all the "rules" but my wife still reserves the right to throw zingers at me regarding my crossdressing whenever it suits her purposes. Of course, that fact is also eventually dragged into every argument we have so that she can always occupy the moral high ground, no matter what the original, unrelated issue might have been.

Luckily, I have a very thick skin, and I let all this BS roll off me like water off a duck's back. Despite my wife's best attempts, my self-esteem is also just fine - thank you very much - and I have come to accept without guilt that being transgender is what I am, and that these feelings will never go away. So in the spirit of "when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade...", I not only continue to enjoy my crossdressing, I am pushing personal boundaries that I never thought were within my reach, many of which I have also shared here over the years... wife's disapproval be d@mned.

Given all that - and being empty nesters now - why are we still together after all these years you may justifiably ask? The short answer is "financial", pure and simple. Whatever love, affection, or even respect that may once have existed between my wife and I died years ago, and to hear her tell it, it all harks back to that demon "crossdressing".

[Robin414]

OMG yes! I know a lot of us struggle with this and I kinda feel guilty but I completely echo your post Kinky!

[jazmine]

Definitely! My wife says she has the best of both worlds. A best friend of the same sex (kinda)....and a husband/lover.

[Andrea Renea]

Oh yes, our relationship is definitely better, especially for me. No more hiding and being sneaky.

As others said already my wife says she has the best of both worlds a loving husband and shopping girlfriend.

[MissTee]

It helped us grow in our relationship. There is a lot to be said of a relationship of openness and understanding, regardless of what's being "open" about. Anymore dressing has a real benignness in our relationship. Yes, it's there and it happens but it's just who we are. Sort of like waking up and saying, "Hey, we have a sink in our kitchen." Not a big deal at all.

[kimdl93]

I suspect a breakdown of communications and the subsequent diminishment of attachment is the reason most marriages go south. Whether it's coming out as TG or some other disclosure, honest communication can often help strengthen weakening ties.

[Paula J]

I just recently came completely out to my wife, and yes, everything worked out wonderfully. But, Leslie's post certainly resonates with me. My wife is very open-minded, tolerant and accepting of everything. But it was a totally different story with my ex. She thought my art was stupid. She thought my music was stupid. Basically she thought anything other than plain old vanilla was stupid. So, needless to say, I would have never even dreamt of admitting my desire to dress.

But, back to the original question. My relationship with my wife has always been good. But, now that she knows everything, it is awesome! It has been so liberating for me. And my wife has embraced it more than I could have ever hoped for.

[Karen RHT]

Do I have a "better" relationship with my wife, since I came out to her?? Hmmm...hard to give a definitive yes or no answer to that one.

I first tried to come out to her over 40 years ago. It didn't work for her at all. Way too long a bridge to cross for her, total and complete rejection, wouldn't discuss it, got angrier the more I tried to discuss it. About 3 years ago she modified her position to the point where she has said repeatedly it was ok for me to dress inside our home, has bought various things for me and other times actually encourages me to buy things for myself. She has also offered me a few "hand me downs" such as jewelry and other accessories.

On the other side of the coin, she still declines any/all invitations to talk candidly about her thoughts and feelings, or those of my own. There are days when her "tone" and body language suggest my dressing does in fact trouble her. Other days, it doesn't appear to trouble her at all. This lack of true dialogue with her keeps me off balance and second guessing myself much too frequently. In fairness to her, she has other important and ongoing issues to deal with, and I'm torn between supporting her as she deals with them, and adding more issues to her plate, so to speak.

Is our relationship better at this point?? Not necessarily.


Karen

[TrishaTX]

Still working through it but I know for a fact it is better...becuase it is honest. The lying, shame and deceit were killing me so I am a better person and that should make it a better marriage. She is still getting comfortable but overall things are way better.