My wife confuses me

[Steph_CD_62]

About a month ago I got in a bit of a bad mood and had no desire to dress. I am pretty sure it was caused from a comment my wife made. She said I am dressed all the time. I don't fully dress and most of the time I am only wearing a nightgown and nothing else, I did this two or three times a week.

Most of the time she is supportive. She never says anything when I buy something girly for myself. She doesn't say anything when I dress around her. She will go shopping with me one or two times a year to look for something new for me.

After being in a "funk" for a month she asked what was wrong, I said nothing. She asked me if she had done something or didn't do something, I said no. She then asked why I hadn't dressed for awhile, and I said I didn't know. I am sure all my "funk" was from her comment of me dressing all the time.

She said would rather see me dressed and happy then down in the dumps. She has made this comment before, but usually after a few months of me dressing a couple times a week she will make an odd comment about me dressing all the time.

Not 100% sure it was her comment that put me in this "funk" since I could feel it coming on about a week before her comment.

[Dana44]

That sounds like a communication issue. You need to tell her why you are in a funk. I have gone through it and communication has held an awful lot in her accepting my gender switches. She had told me that a thought crosses her mind that I'm a freak in a dress. Now that hurts, right. I sat her down a communicated what it is really like and how days are bad when the switching occurs and how real the female side of me is. For this reason alone that takes a lot of communication and nothing is hidden in this relationship. Yesterday we went out and shopped as two girls and also went to dinner and a movie. The entire day as two gals. She told me that she really liked that after we got home. Communication is paramount in a relationship.

[Infused]

Words can hurt. I have long hair and I get a little offended when people I know ask me if I'm ever going to cut my hair. It sounds like they're saying that I should cut it. But it's likely I'm overthinking it and they really meant nothing by it. Like Dana said it's important to communicate with your SO so they know how you feel and you know how they feel. Maybe because you dressed so often she just wanted to see as a man once in a while. If my chick wore sweat pants every day I'd tell her to put on a dress once in a while. Just saying. Anyway, you know your wife the best, I hope you figure it out.

[ReineD]

She said would rather see me dressed and happy then down in the dumps. She has made this comment before, but usually after a few months of me dressing a couple times a week she will make an odd comment about me dressing all the time.

Not 100% sure it was her comment that put me in this "funk" since I could feel it coming on about a week before her comment.

A good way to approach this might be to tell her that you don't want to go over her comfort zone, but at the same time when you don't dress for awhile it gets you down. And so could she help you to figure out just the right amount to keep you both happy.

[Kate T]

It sounds like at least SOME of your "funk" you feel was caused by your wife's comment. So why hide? Talk to her, tell her that what you felt. How can you expect her to open up to you if you don't open up to her.

[Nadya]

I sometimes find myself in a funk as well regardless of how things have been going. I do remember a trigger about my wig almost coming off that sent me into this horrible downward spiral of shame and self doubt. It happens because we are usually brought up to think this kind of stuff is somehow wrong. :/ I'm sure I'm not the only one. <3

[Robin414]

Me too, commented on my skinny jeans the other day...I think it's because we're DADT but from MY side and she wants me to open up 😕

[docrobbysherry]

U sound like u have personal issues. In your situation, I would be mad at myself for not addressing her comment immediately!

"What do u mean I dress all the time? It's only a couple of times a week and even then not all the way. Does that SEEM often to u?" May not be too late to bring this up and get it off your mind, HMG? It may have just been an off hand remark to her mind.

I think honest communication is best way to a happy marriage. Even tho it's inconvenient some times.

[pamela7]

sounds like you're confusing yourself, don't blame your wife for that.

[Di]

I think when she tried to ask you what was wrong you should have been honest and tell her ... Her comment hurt you... Then ask her what she meant with her comment. The whole thing you guessing what she meant does not work... You are thinking one thing and she might be thinking something different..you both have needs and wants and finding a common ground by talking is the key ( at least that's how I like my relationship to be) Best Wishes.

[Cheryl_Layton]

Yes, there does seem to be a difficulty in being open and honest with each other. When she asked if anything was wrong you chose to answer 'No'. Why was that?
Opening up about one's inner feelings and thoughts is extremely difficult, I know. But by not fully voicing your deepest thoughts and getting things off your chest, you run the danger of creating feelings of frustration and resentment which I'm sure you want to avoid at all costs.

[Katey888]

Sounds to me like just one of those cyclical things we all seem to go through... human nature I think, but probably also some latent difficulty that your wife has with your dressing...

On balance, I think you are probably managing the situation as best you can - backing off when she feels it's too much is probably the right thing to do (and the wrong time to talk about it...). Perhaps when you're both in a more neutral mood would be the best time to bring it up if you wanted, but otherwise I might just be grateful for the status quo, even though it has peaks and troughs, at least you're able to share...

Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Pat]

After being in a "funk" for a month she asked what was wrong, I said nothing.

And you think the problem is with her? I can be a broody and petulant as the next gurl but if you carry the hurt around for a month and then deny it, the problem isn't with anyone else.

[Tracii G]

She asked whats wrong so why didn't you tell her?
Best to be open and honest with your feelings isn't it?

[Sandra]

Ok you need to tell her why you think this funk happened and go from there.

You say that she comes out with these kinda comments a few months after you have been dressing again saying that you're dressing all the time, have you bothered to ask her what she means by dressing all the time? Until you hear what she has to say then this it seems may continue to happen.

[Stephanie47]

Wives seem to be able to detect changes in husband's attitudes. Can't she tell if you had a bad or good day at work? I certainly can tell when my wife has had a bad day. My wife can tell when I am depressed or "down" with various pain issues. I think, as others have suggested, communicate with your wife. Tell her you cannot really tell when she thinks you're going overboard with dressing, even if the dressing seems infrequent to you. I use to wear a nightgown to bed with my wife's blessings, but, sometimes she asked that I forego the nightgown some days.

Maybe dressing a couple of times per week is too much for her, especially when she is down in the dumps. Ask her to somehow suggest to you when she would rather you don't dress. I've been married over forty years. I can tell when she is down in the dumps, but, I cannot really tell why.

[Tina_gm]

My wife can be guilty of saying the all the time or always etc etc.... Not just about CD related stuff, but just in general. She doesn't really mean those exact words... but she is describing what she feels as a lot, or an increase, whether that be right or wrong, it is how she is feeling about something.

I see this type of post a lot, the confusing rollercoaster of now she likes it, now she doesn't... I think sometimes we confuse their acceptance into them liking it.

Most of the time she is supportive. She never says anything when I buy something girly for myself. She doesn't say anything when I dress around her. She will go shopping with me one or two times a year to look for something new for me.

She doesn't say anything... I think that sort of tells you a bit right there. She is not asking you to dress, or to go out shopping. Or encouraging you, she just isn't normally putting up any big fuss about it, or coming down on you for it in any way. Not a bad thing, but her not saying she hates it, or whatever doesn't mean she likes it. She likes seeing you happy, and if that is what makes you happy, she would rather you dress or shop then not.

[kelly0]

i have run into this. and every time i run into this, its b/c of the absence of good communication. so, i strongly echo the comments below.

if its one thing i have learned so far about making something like this work (marriage and CD'ing), it would be the need for constant communication.

its not easy!!!!! i fall into the trap of not telling her whats really wrong sometimes. its tough to bring up. we have embedded fears that our wives will get fed up and maybe even perhaps leave (or at least i do). but, i've found that its always easier to talk about it. just hard to pull off sometimes, i know.

thats my advice hon! i hear you though and know what its like

have a talk with her as soon as u can

kel

[Claire Cook]

It sounds like we have a common answer here -- yes, talk with her! When I get moody because I've been through a dry spell, my wife will say "we both need Claire". It works, at least for me.

[Krististeph]

Perhaps she was in a funk when she said it. People are imperfect. Do you ever have moods where you just do not want to deal with something that you normally enjoy or are amused by?

Marriage takes work, in many ways, and regardless of the paired people. It requires patience, perseverance, learning to forgive, and support for your wife's feelings as well as yours.

Besides, being angry takes the fun out of dressing. It is okay to feel hurt, but do not nurture it either.

[Tina_gm]

I know that the most common and most often correct advice is to open up more communication, talk more. Sometimes though, at least in my case and with my wife, that isn't always the best way to go. Frequent communication is almost always a good thing, but I think sometimes, even with myself, that a convo does not have to be some long drawn out super convo. I have noticed one thing many of us here have in common, is that we tend to be very expressive and nearly obsessive with our communication. You hardly ever see so many long in depth posts in other forums. I am as guilty as the next girl on here, and IRL with my wife. A simple question or comment will lead me to a very long elaborate talk. Sometimes, maybe just a quick few minutes to answer a question, or a quick idea or whatnot and then move on to other life issues.

[Steph_CD_62]

I want to thank everyone for their advice.
The next chance I get to talk to her for any length of time I will discuss why I was really in a "funk".
Since we work opposite shifts our time together isn't very long. 5 or 10 min in the morning if she gets off on time. And depends on when she wakes up we get anywhere from an hour to 3 hours together in the evening. With so little time, we have other things to discuss.

[DonnaT]

She's probably confused also. The confusion won't clear up on its own. Y'all need to discuss it.