My BF - his ex - his CDing - our comptability?

[renna]

Hello wonderful world of CDers and friends,

I am a bit anxious about the CDing behaviour of my boyfriend, and need to voice my feelings to someone. I don’t have friends that I can comfortably disclose this to, mostly because it is my boyfriend’s secret.

My boyfriend is very readily perceived to be a cis, straight guy. He dresses in very mainstream, simple, sporty, clothing.

Last April he was in the middle of a difficult transition period. He had quit his job and didn’t know what direction to go in next career-wise. I think because of this difficult time, he was feeling low, and was reeling about how his ex-girlfriend rejected him. He was having anxious dreams about her. His ex-girlfriend was very kinky, and they had a very expressive and experimental sexual relationship. They would cross-dress together, and experiment with role-playing.

I am still, to this day, retro-actively jealous of the relationship they had. I am so curious as to what they’re lifestyle was like. I get insecure wondering if they achieved a type of dynamic that he loved and wants now, that he doesn’t trust that I would be open to. I would be open to it and would be happy to experiment with it, but doubt I could feel aroused by it.

I come from a more conservative family, and was very sexually inexperienced when we first started dating. Now, two years in, our sexual relationship has become somewhat kinky, and in a way that I find arousing and am comfortable with. We have a wonderful mixture of heated dom-sub nights and tender, gentle, sex filled with connection and love. However, even though I know he’s enjoyed CDing in the past with his ex - he hasn’t suggested cross-dressing with me.

Anyways - back what happened in April. One weekend I couldn't reach him at all - which is very strange for us. When I saw him finally, he said that he had had a little bender. He looked awful and drained. He told me that he had had bad dreams about his ex rejecting him, which turned into a 24h bender. He was tired from not sleeping, which led him to drink coffee. That made him more anxious, so he got really really high. He didn't eat or sleep. He told me he spent a lot of that time in women's clothes.

He told me that he put on tights, a little skirt, and a tight shirt. (I don’t know where he got the clothes from or where they’re hidden now). He disclosed that the sight of himself in the mirror, dressed in women’s clothes, is uncontrollably arousing for him. He can’t pace himself like he does with me. There was a mixture of excitement and shame on his face when he told me that.

I listened, empathized, and reassured him that this was okay and to not to feel at all ashamed. I was happy he trusted me enough to tell me.

A few days later, I asked him how regularly he CDs, and if he’d ever want me to be there. He says that he does it very rarely, and only likes to do it when he’s by himself.

This was confusing, and hurtful, because he had told me before that he used to do it with his ex. It’s
also difficult to hear because clearly CDing elicits such a strong sexual reaction in him when he does it. This makes me wonder if he subconsciously wishes CDing were more of a regular act for him, that he could fully own.

I do not want him to feel ashamed at all. I want him to be happy and sexually satisfied - also satisfied in his identity. At the same time, I love him and fear that this, as it may develop, could jeopardize our relationship. Cross-dressing doesn’t interest me erotically. While I respect those who do it, for whichever reason they chose, dressing up as a man, or seeing my boyfriend dress up as a woman, doesn’t turn me on in any way.

I’m wondering if, based on your collective experience (as multiplicit and varied as I understand it to be), you think that compared to what he had with his ex - my boyfriend and I aren’t sexually compatible. Is becoming turned on by one's own feminine image typically an indication of a larger sexual trend? Is it perhaps a common behaviour of transgenderism? Is he likely lying to me in saying that he’s authentically happy with how things are going with us? Is what we have going sustainable?

I know I'm getting ahead of myself and that I should talk to him more about it - but I can’t help but worry that he’s not being truthful to me with what he really needs. I’m afraid. I love him a lot.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Katey888]

First of all welcome and aren't you brave... I wouldn't have revealed anything like this when I was your age, nor probably thought in anywhere near as sophisticated a way...

Try not to be fooled by our 'collective experience' here - you'll just get a bundle of individual opinions based on personal experience (I'm no different...), but many of us do have quite a lot of that, in years, at least... My first concern is really about how much of this is related to the CDing which seems from your BF's perspective, to be very closely tied to sex. It's not unusual that CDing is part of a sexual fetish - it's certainly not an indicator of transgenderism per se, but it shouldn't be discounted.

The key for me are some of the things that you're already questioning: Is he over his ex? Are you sexually compatible? Is he authentically happy? Is it sustainable?

These are all questions that I think only the two of you will really be able to address, and only time will likely tell. I don't say that as a cop out, but because the two of you need to address those questions together. You've indicated that while you share some sexual preferences, the CDing is not likely to be one for you - but if this is a major thing for him, which seems likely, then there's a big thing you need to address and think on...

You've presented your thoughts here very well - you need to get him in a serious mood and go through the points, your questions and your feelings with him - seriously... without him have a mini-bender about it... You need to try to address this together - if he feels he really loves you too, he should be prepared to try to listen, understand and respond. I don't believe the nature of CDing need be a big part of that, although it is one element.

Good luck! Sounds to me like you should be a great partner for him or someone if you're prepared to think so openly and honestly...

Katey x

[GenieGirl]

Welcome and I must say you are a great girlfriend to go to such lengths to make your relationship better when a lot of women in that situation would run away from that relationship. I would say that it may be more than just a sexual kink for your boyfriend. It is probably something he just enjoys doing in a nonsexual way as well. I know that some men in that situation may tell their spouse it is just a "kink" out of embarrassment that they don't want their partners to think they want to be women or just genuinely want to dress like one while still identifying as a male completely. He says he just want to do it alone but he just may not feel comfortable doing it with you yet. If he thought that you would have fun with it (sexually or platonically) I think he would love to include you into it. Maybe try to get him to do it around you, offer to do his makeup etc and have a girls night in? That he may be more comfortable with doing with you. I'd say try avoiding the kink side of it since you say that wouldn't be a turn on for you. That's my advice. Good luck!

[heatherdress]

Renna - I agree with Katey advice. I can only offer personal comments based upon my own experiences. I think your concerns are normal, legitimate and important. Only the both of you will be able to determine compatibility. Your behavior together should not be driven by his past relationship. It should be develop together - intimately and honestly. I wish you the best of luck together.

[renna]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response Katey.
I'm sorry to not be more clear - I meant "collective experience" to mean a multiplicit, varied, and diverse collective of individuals with some commonalities.
You've helped me clarify a lot here - my key issues and the ones I need to address to my partner, while noting that addressing them will take some time.
It's especially helpful to keep in mind that the nature of CDing doesn't need to be the crux of the issue here. Like you said - it's just an element of it. It's only the piece that jumps out at me because it causes my imagination to run wild picturing the scene he described, and that makes me feel like I don't know him very well. Just because it's a vivid image in my mind doesn't mean it's what is most helpful to focus on here.
A series of serious, careful conversations are what are needed now, and now I feel I have a better idea of how to handle it.
Thank you!

[Ineke Vashon]

I am impressed with your positive attitude. You ask us a lot of good questions. As I read through your post the little thought in the back of my head keeps cropping us - "would you be willing to let him read your post, with all your questions?" And have a open discussion without critisizing each other at any time?

Wish you the best in your endeavor,

Ineke

[renna]

That's great advice. Suggesting to explore it platonically is a great way to show him that I embrace this side of him. It will likely open the door for the conversations we need to have.
He has told me before that he didn't want to CD with me... but perhaps the context of that conversation was more sexual than platonic.
Thank you so much!

[Dana44]

Welcome Renna. It does seem he is still bothered by his last relationship. I too had that problem and was hard on few girlfriends. I agree with Geniegirl and find a night like a Friday night, candle light and intimacy between you to and talk. Do try to get him to open up by offering to take him shopping or doing his makeup. You can make it fun and Friday night intimacy is one time per week you can talk deeply and openly with your mate. That is an example, just try to get him to open up and be kind to him.

[mykell]

hello renna,
welcome to the group,
although you have gotten some good advise here already what may really help is the perspective of those who may have already been through this type of relationship and they would be cis gender GGs, take some time and participate and check out the FAB section, Ive pasted a link, this i think will give you balanced experiences from both sides of the fence....

again welcome and kudos for being an ally....

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

[Infused]

Types of cd's seem to vary so much. Cross dressing started out as a sexual fetish for me, just wearing panties, it aroused me, but now it's much more than that. I'm still trying to figure myself out, but recently I've learned that I need to be true to myself, whatever I am. Keeping secrets is hard to do. Is it possible your bf still doesn't understand it himself enough? There seems to be a sexual connection with his ex that you two do not share, but he enjoys dressing. It's not like the desire to dress just goes away, he should explore it and good for you for supporting him. If he doesn't want to dress in front of you maybe he needs to figure it out on his own. Be supportive, maybe give him a night alone to do whatever he needs to do.

[kimdl93]

Welcome. Good questions. Be prepared for wide ranging and divergent idea.

IMHO sex is primarily mental and emotional. Of course there needs to a physical dimension, but that thing they call chemistry is really a state of mind. Sounds as though the sexual chemistry between you is fine, just different from what preceded it. Different isn't necessarily less or more...it's just different. Don't force yourself into something that doesn't appeal to you in pursuit of something only your imagination says is better.

Now to your boyfriends CDing. It seems it's entirely a fetish now...an image in a mirror that elicits a rapid sexual response. That has nothing whatsoever to do with gender identity. It's not an indicator of some latent desire to become a woman. His reluctance to share this experience is very likely a combination of his deep seated personal feeling that CDing is in some way unacceptable and his feeling that, given your upbringing, you might share that attitude.

It's possible that over time and with your patient reassurance and support, he may come to a point where he can be more open and even willing to share some part of the experience with you. Time will tell.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think you're over-thinking it. You're trying to read all sorts of subtexts into what you see and hear, trying to anticipate his thoughts and feelings. You've told us your sex life is very fulfilling and includes both tenderness and some kinkiness, yet you're worrying that he might not be happy and you're worrying about the future.

I think you should take him at face value. His ex sounds like a head-wrecker, and he may have been far out of his depth with her, which would explain the impact the r/ship still has on his subconscious.

You sound kind, stable, intelligent and open-minded; what more could anybody want? Beyond that, you don't possess magical abilities to wave a wand and fix another person's problems- they have to go through it all themselves. What you can do, and you are doing, is being yourself, being honest, open, helpful, but ultimately respecting his ability to make up his own mind.

Chill. Nobody could do more than you are doing.

And come here to vent, ask questions- anything you want. We always love to hear from GGs.

Hugs, Nikki

[renna]

Thank you so much for your response Nikkilovesdresses! I think you're totally right.
I tend to be a bit neurotic/anxious in general... and worrying about my relationship is one of the ways this comes out - even if at face value everything is peachy.
It's just when I get in a bad mood that images of his ex and him, in a different sort of sexual harmony, swallow me up and I give myself permission to think that our relationship MUST be lesser to him. I have mentioned to him a couple of times that I can think like this... and he tells me I have nothing to worry about.
I really should just CHILL - and believe that he is telling the truth. Like other people have said - CDing doesn't always carry with it latent desires that could threaten our relationship. Maybe he's being honest saying that it's all fine. I sometimes wish there were an off-switch to my imagination.
Thank you Nikki!

[renna]

Welcome. Good questions. Be prepared for wide ranging and divergent idea.

IMHO sex is primarily mental and emotional. Of course there needs to a physical dimension, but that thing they call chemistry is really a state of mind. Sounds as though the sexual chemistry between you is fine, just different from what preceded it. Different isn't necessarily less or more...it's just different. Don't force yourself into something that doesn't appeal to you in pursuit of something only your imagination says is better.

THIS IS AMAZING! Thank you!

Now to your boyfriends CDing. It seems it's entirely a fetish now...an image in a mirror that elicits a rapid sexual response. That has nothing whatsoever to do with gender identity. It's not an indicator of some latent desire to become a woman. His reluctance to share this experience is very likely a combination of his deep seated personal feeling that CDing is in some way unacceptable and his feeling that, given your upbringing, you might share that attitude.

It's possible that over time and with your patient reassurance and support, he may come to a point where he can be more open and even willing to share some part of the experience with you. Time will tell.

I would love if this would happen! Thank you for your response

[kathrynt21]

First of all, you have a great attitude. I know there are a lot of girls here (married and single) who would love to have a partner willing to accept and understand.
I, as everyone has said, can only speak from experience.
Initially, I was afraid to tell my partner for fear of rejection. Then I was afraid to have her see me because I thought it would be too jarring. Even though she was accepting I thought the visual might be enough to cancel that acceptance.
Perhaps over time your BF will be more comfortable as his femme self in front of you.
I would suggest just maintaining that loving spirit that you have and letting her know that everything is fine as long as she is happy and you are as well. Good luck.

[Tina_gm]

Hi Renna Welcome to the forum. While it is less common that a CDer will want a don't ask don't tell arrangement with their CDing with their partner, there have been a few here who have said that, even though their partner may not have any serious issues with it. More typically, we want our partners to be involved, at least platonically. DADT is most commonly an agreed to arrangement from the partners of CDers as it is difficult for the partner to deal with or think about. It does on occasion become reversed and it is the CDer who wishes for the DADT arrangement.

I would like to throw out a couple of other thoughts- When it comes to intimacy, perhaps he doesn't want any kind of repeat from his ex. He wants it to be you and him and not what he had with her. So, if CDing was in the mix with her, that could very well be a reason why he doesn't want it to go there with you. Another thought- is that perhaps he is just not ready to open himself up this way to you. It could be that he just really likes what he has with you, and doesn't want to introduce anything that will alter it. Or it could be fear that you will reject it and him. If his CDing is not often, it is likely it isn't a real deep part of his identity, so he can do without it most of the time.

He could be afraid of it progressing, so this could be a way for him to put the brakes on it. Most often many of us have been in the position of a new romance and have thought that the romance would end our CDing desires. Typically, we do get immersed in a new relationship, and sometimes the desires do decrease a bit, in the beginning. Over time they will build back up again. That is a common thing that happens, but there are many members here who's CDing does not take up a lot of time or space in their life. It is not a big part of their core identity and it doesn't progress to something else.

It will sort itself out in time. No need to push it. When he is ready to open up more about it, he will. He may never feel the need to if it is a minor part of his life.

[Di]

I agree with gendermutt. ... It will sort itself out and will open up when ready and it may just stay a minor part of his life.
Also just so you know no two cders ar alike ... So do not think just because you read xyz that it will be the same for your boyfriend . Just be you and love each other.

[ReineD]

Welcome Renna, I understand your concerns. I'm also a GG (in forum-speak, GG = genetic girl), and I'm also originally from Canada!

If you are like me, part of what turns me on is knowing that my SO is turned on by me more than anyone else. This is important. Sex for me is a lot more than having a sexual release no matter the source of the arousal. This is why I would feel upset if my SO were to have an affair, or if he were to fantasize about another woman (or a man) while we were having sex, or if he was not as sexually aroused with me as he had been with someone else. Likely everyone can understand this. But, what if there wasn't another person involved. What if my SO should be more intensely aroused from an object (leather, shoes, feet, furry sweaters, or any other object), or a situation (i.e. bdsm, abdl, porn, or even crossdressing-for-arousal), than he might be just having sex with me. Adding a bit of kink to a sex life is fun, but if I sensed that my SO's orgasm was more intense with the object or situation than without it, I'd be just as upset as if he were to have an affair. So I understand your concerns over compatibility issues.

My best advice is to talk to your SO and explain your concerns. Hopefully you both will be able to be totally honest with each other, as difficult as it is to open ourselves up to exposing our deepest vulnerabilities. And also, trust your instincts. If your SO tells you that everything is OK, stop preoccupying yourself with the crossdressing and wanting him to crossdress with you, if he doesn't want to. Take him at his word, enjoy your relationship and your time with him, but place your focus on your own life, just as it was before you met him. In other words, try to not become obsessed with what he is or is not doing or thinking. If after a period of time you still feel there is a sexual distance that you can't quite put your finger on, then you can make decisions about how important it is to have sexual compatibility in your relationship. Emotional bonds tend to eventually become more important in relationships than physical compatibility anyway, so the concerns you have now may not bother you as much in the future, although I am by no means suggesting that you ignore your needs. As time passes, if you do continue to feel or sense that something is missing in your sex life (I think we can all feel it when our SOs are not fully present), then you will need to make some decisions because I do not think your boyfriend will change. Everyone's sexual preferences are deeply rooted and are unlikely to change.


You also wonder if your SO is Transgender. If you ask TGs/TSs, they will say that expressing who they are is not sexual, any more than it is for you or me. But, most CDers do say that it was intensely arousing in the beginning of their CDing. For some CDers, the sexual aspect does abate and is replaced with a sense of comfort sometimes accompanied by feelings of elation. If you're into research, you can look into why or how brain chemistry makes this happen.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Hi ReineD, I like the many interesting views you express here and I think you are a very knowledgable person on this forum. I appreciate your perspective on how you would feel about a SO in regards to higher satisfaction when objects are involved and I just want to offer some perspective from someone who has certain fetishes. First of all I'll state for everyone that it is possible to be TG and a fetishistic CDer (though my dressing isnt limited to fetish). As far as fetishes, some of the research I've seen describes fetishes as being something that an individual associates with sex (usually at a young age) and something locks in the brain inwhich seeing or having this/these objects amplifies arousal. Many researchers believe that when this lock happens it is often lifelong. For me, when i look at porn, i very much prefer to see girls dressed in sexy outfits, heels, (quite specific styles) etc. This doesnt mean that im not attracted to undressed women or that they're not good enough for me, it just means my arousal is amplified when those things are present. The most sexy woman in the world would still turn me on more if she was dressed sexy. For a person with a locked in fetish like this, its not really a choice (sometimes its very frustrating). I think the important thing is when im with my SO, its her (no one else) that i want to share and experience this aspect of myself with, and if she feels comfortable with it and knows that i love and am truly attracted to her then thats ok. Just thought id share that.

[prene]

Welcome ReineD,
Wish there were more girls like you out there. I do believe you first need to do what is best for you. I have been seeing a therapist and it has been good for me. Good luck
Prene

[teags]

Hi Renna!

I very recently joined this community as a Crossdresser's Girlfriend. My very first post on this website was essentially just about my boyfriend telling me his CD'ing tendencies. If you can find it, look for "The Crossdresser's Girlfriend." I didn't post it very long ago.

I find that your boyfriend may have attached emotions to his CD'ing ways and can't exactly cross those paths with you, a different partner. Imagine how difficult it could be to wear a jumper you use to wear all the time around one partner and then trying to wear it with a new one... if that makes sense?

My partner told me where he got his clothes from - which was from an ex who was completely into the CD'ing and kinky stuff. Much like you, I came into the relationship inexperienced and I feared that he may be wanting more out of me that he had in his previous relationship. The best advice I can offer is telling him you wouldn't mind seeing him dressed up once, to see how you feel. Then talk about your sexual needs/ his past relationship and all that as well. There's some questions that can't be answered by anyone except him.

Feel free to message me. It sounds like we're in a similar boat.

[GraceS]

Hi Renna:
I'm glad that you've found this forum and have the opportunity to share and to connect. Hopefully one of the things that is coming across is how much variability there is in everyone's unique situation and perspective. I'm the wife of a CDer, and I am increasingly aware of how much all of this is a process of exploration and development for each person in the relationship (CDer and Significant Other) as well as for the relationship itself. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to also have a range of reactions and preferences. What feels good for me and fits our marriage shifts both over time and also in any given day/situation.

[Fortuneta]

First of all...you are a dream come ture. Very hard to find someone like you...Great advice given to you so far and may I add mine. I agree with the idea of a quiet evening setting the mood. I would have him read your Thread after explaining your concern for him. It is very well written and will relate your feelings and thoughts. If conversation does not happen after that, select a few replys you like and see what happens.
I wish you the best as you seem to be a person who desearves it.
Fortuneta