Hey everyone,
Thank you so much for your advice, support and kind words on my last post!
I basically know that what I need to do next is have a heart to heart with my BF and say what I've said below.. but I don't have friends that I can run it by... thanks for reading!
For those of you who didn’t see the last thread I started, my bf occasionally CDs, but only in private. He used to do it with his ex in a sexual context, but doesn’t (yet) feel like he wants to with me. I am not erotically turned on by it, but love him and want to support him in what makes him fell whole and happy.
He told me that before he met me (in the transition time between his ex and me), he answered an ad on craigslist in which he went to an older, gay man’s home, to see what it was like. He had this unquenchable desire to be the object of desire. Once he got there however, something irked him, and he left before anything erotic happened. He said that he wanted to feel what it was like to be desired, but (perhaps unfairly to the older man) is not attracted to GMs.
Sometimes, when my bf is by himself, he crossdresses, and get’s extremely turned on very quickly by the sight of his own femme image in the mirror. It seems as if he gets turned on by being the object of his own desire.
My question lies in where I can come into all this. As it stands, we have a dom-sub type sexual relationship. He fulfills the role that’s more dominant, direct, and lustful, and I tend to fall into the submissive, more passive, “object of desire” type role.
In our dynamic outside the bedroom, I am more introverted and him more extraverted, and I know when we’re together he gets off on being the dominant one. It’s great for both of us. Yet, I know that he has this intense sexual energy in him attached to being the desired one.
I’m not super confident in my ability to switch things up and explicitly pursue/ dominate him. I feel as if I’d be worried that he’d lose his mojo and not enjoy himself. I also have never tapped into that side of my sexuality before. I’ve always fallen into the more submissive role as It feels more natural to me. I also tend to go about my business in bed, always keeping an eye to keeping his mojo/ ego intact. I feel that in the dominant role, I would be overly careful and hesitant when trying new things… just to avoid turning him off/ making him uncomfortable. That’s not the most sexy of ways to go about things. Domming is such a delicate dance between being direct, and therefore sexy, yet careful. I have flacid-penis anxiety/ I don’t like to feel rejected just as much as the next guy. This is tricky!
Taking the reins and exploring this role reversal means getting rid of this anxiety. So… CDers and friends, I’m looking for ways to start exploring this without this anxiety, and to start the conversations that could get this going for us. He hasn’t asked for it yet, but knowing about his past sexual relationship, his CDing behaviour, and his craigslist adventure, I feel somewhat obligated to make sure he’s not selling himself short and settling with me and what I know about my sexuality right now. At the end of the day I just want him to be as sexually fulfilled as fits both of our desires and limits (with a dash of… “I know you reversed roles and CDed with your ex and I feel kind of mono-faceted/ lame in comparison"… as egotistical as that may be). I’m fully aware that I don’t know myself well enough yet to say that I can’t take a more dominant role, with the right relationship context, having had the right conversations… just wanting some suggestions on how to start exploring!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!