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Thread: For those who have come out.

  1. #1
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    For those who have come out.

    Hi.
    This is my first thread so I'm a bit nervous but here goes...!
    My question(s) are for those brave souls who have come out to family and/or freinds and is mainly concerned about how it affected your actual dressing.
    Did you find that the frequency of your dressing changed, i.e. did you start to dress more, less or did it remain the same?
    Did coming out have a bearing on the level of excitement that you experience when you dress?
    How did you find the general level of acceptance (or non-acceptance) from people other than your SO?

    My reason for asking is that we all know that forbidden fruit tastes sweeter and I wonder if our 'guilty secret' loses its appeal to some extent when things are out in the open with those nearest to us.

    Kind regards

    Cheryl x

  2. #2
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    For me the appeal is not gone .it just get setter. I dress and go to the market and do regular shopping. I go clothes shopping all the time. Yes I get some weird looks but with me I don't care what anyone thinks or says. All I know is that I am who I am and am quite comfortable.

  3. #3
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    When I came out to my wife it took a while before we were both comfortable enough for me to dress on a regular basis. After that happened I dressed a bit more often and at times that were much better than the odd hours or days when I had to hide. The threat of being discovered had forced me into a very strange schedule that only made things worse. When she passed away a couple of years ago I began to dress more frequently and then began to worry about my adult children either stopping by unexpectedly (which they did) or me having some kind of event that brought them into my closet without warning. So I recently came out to them and I'm back on track, sort of. The rest of the family lives at the end of our lane and there is out of town company for a few more days, so things are kind of on hold.

    I expect that I will be dressing more frequently and getting out much more often in the future as I've become less concerned with the chance of being outted. I've found it isn't the thrill of the forbidden that has been attracting me and being comfortable in my own skin is the draw. Most of the people who I care the most about already know. Others will probably be finding out in the near future. I do believe I won't be able to discover where I'm headed if I don't have the freedom to explore.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  4. #4
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    Aside from about 30 people I've met at events within the crossdressing community, over the last 2-3 months I have outed myself to fellow members of our LGBT employee affinity group (~20), 6 close friends and my department manager. After October 10, it could be another 200-250 (see threads that I have started recently in Male to Female Crossdressing and Upcoming Events).

    The frequency hasn't changed as it is governed by other constraints. I try to make the 3 gatherings a month total for the 2 groups that I hang out with. Last Saturday was the first time that I went out at home when I went to a wig shop fully dressed. The thing is, I really can't hide much anyway. In the 6 years that I have owned my car, I have only seen one other that is a body style and paint match. Anyway, regardless of who it appears to be driving the car, most people than I know would recognize the car.

    So far, it hasn't taken away any of the enjoyment. If anything, it has made me more particular about my presentation. There's less of the "close enough" mindset and more situations where I feel the extra mile is warranted.

    DeeAnn
    Last edited by flatlander_48; 09-26-2015 at 11:56 AM.

  5. #5
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    Hi Cheryl,
    There are layers to the question and answers here. I would say that dressing 100% of the times shifts into familiarity - after a few months of feverish excitement. There are still rushes, infrequently, BUT i'm happier inside with the dressing, and the thought of long periods in drab with occasional drag just does not appeal.

    Yes, I shifted to dressing a lot, to almost all the time, with the exception being times when I'd rather get some old trackies dirty than a skirt.
    I'm out to about everyone except my in-laws, as my SO says they just won't get it or like it, at all.
    Acceptance has been widespread to my face - but, bear in mind how 2-faced many/most people are, that might mean nothing out of view, though.
    Women do seem to like it, greatly, and my relationships with female friends seem deeper/stronger. It does not seem to have adversely affected male friendships or work as yet.

    It's not secret or forbidden though if you simply restrict it. I reckon that sharing this with my SO is far far greater than keeping a secret habit.
    xx
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member Sarah-RT's Avatar
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    I dress an equal amount after coming out, usually only once or twice a week but that's due to work and college and other activities. The spark of doing it hasn't gone because of being out, I used to get really excited when I ordered things online and they arrived in a delivery but that excitement has long passed to it just being a normal affair but that was before I came out, I still enjoy being me just as much, though the better I've gotten at it the more of a nuisance it is since it takes longer to get ready.

    Psychologically speaking I am 100 times better than I was, I still get down sometimes and wish I never had this part of me but for the most part I'm far better off, I feel less moody, and a lot less reserved because of being afraid to be out. I told my friends that when they get to the stage of being able to joke about it then I know they would be cool with it since guys my age often bust each other's balls over stuff so one of the jokes I got was "it puts the lotion on its skin" as a reference to buffalo bill from silence of the lambs who was transgendered, which I found down right funny. I've gone out for my birthday as Sarah with them and been to some of their houses. I have GG friends who send me pictures of themselves after they've done their makeup or have a new outfit as if I was a gal pal but also treat me as a man when i am myself.

    My mom gave me a full length mirrored clothing unit for my stuff and will like things on Facebook in reference to us so I know she cares, she also doesn't make any fuss when I'm dressed at home, she recently offered me eye makeup remover the other day too.
    She also was joking about my poor fashion sense as a male the other day, I went out to a semi casual event in shirt, shoes and a pair of jeans, she said I shouldn't have worn black shoes with blue jeans to which I said what's the big deal?
    She said they just don't go and I should work on it, especially since "I've seen 'sarah' she has style, you don't!"
    Getting burned by my own mother, thanks very much

    Sarah x
    I cant stand to fly, I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find the better part of me. I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face beside a train. Its not easy to be me.

  7. #7
    Girl from the Eagles Nest reb.femme's Avatar
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    Hi Cheryl,

    No, it hasn't changed my frequency of dressing except I do wear my nightie and dressing gown at night and on the weekends more.

    Another upside for me. My wife works shifts, so the other night after checking her diary, she said was available to give me a lift to and from my group meet in October. I hope they've got plenty of Vodka in .

    Rebecca
    Flying high under the spell of life!

    http://www.rebsweb.co.uk

  8. #8
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    I can now dress freely at home (although only wig up just before I leave the house), so dressing has increased.
    Acceptance in this new world has been great, so much so that at the public pools I swim in a one piece and breast forms.
    My wife is not a fan of me dressing (and why should she be), but our kids tell her she should chill out more.
    For me, it stopped being for excitement many decades ago, and more for just being me.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  9. #9
    Member Sister Rachel's Avatar
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    After coming out to (some) family and some friends I physically dress less often. The fact that people close to me know and accept "ME" sort of calms everything down! It's a faff getting stockings clipped to suspenders, adjusting petticoats, getting your halter-neck right, fiddling with the tiny clasp on your pearls .. .. .. mostly I just admire these items and enjoy having them in my wardrobe. When I do go enfemme, it's usually just tights, short skirt and a simple top.
    It's complicated, then again it's simple ... where did I put that skirt?

  10. #10
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    My wife knows and has done for over a year now. I don't dress around her but being honest with her allows me the freedom to dress and go out. The excitement is still there to a degree but generally I get a greater feeling of...something else. Peace? I don't know but something definitely deeper and very satisfying. I'm at the point where I could tell my mother about it except that I know she would worry no end as I have a cousin who transitioned and she would most likely think I was following the same path.

  11. #11
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    The only person I've came out to about my CDing is my wife; I would say I dress up more often now and the excitement has not diminished. Before I told her, I would only dress up when I had the whole place to myself (for example, day off by myself) which is not very often. I was going out of my mind, but after telling her I've dressed up more, and I found it better because I don't have to keep it a secret anymore and I can dress up time permitting.

  12. #12
    Member Nadya's Avatar
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    Welcome Cheryl! I've only come out to my wife and some friends so far and even so it really helped get over my guilt and shame. My friends have handled it better than my wife I think because it makes little difference to them compared to my wife. Coming out helped me be more confident so that I don't care as much what others think. I do dress more often now and it's not a matter of excitement but rather I can feel more like myself now in front of more people. Good luck!

  13. #13
    Gone to live my life
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    Hi Cheryl,

    I had a relatively short flash to bang when I came out to the world. I acknowledged (to my wife) that I was CD just over two years ago but swore I would never go out in public. Two months later I was out and about but in a covert way. A few months later I began to let friends and family know. Two years later I am out completely and have now realized I am TS and work and live as a woman with the support of my wife. I realize this is not the same for everyone but that is my story. For me it is not about the clothes or dressing but an internal sense that I get to be who I was meant to be. My level of acceptance has been excellent both in my private life and professional life (Canadian military). I have lost a few friends but gained new ones.

    Cheers

    Isha

  14. #14
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quick question: by "coming out", do you mean telling others that you enjoy presenting as a woman but still presenting as a man in front of them, or do you mean presenting as Cheryl in front of them in addition to going out dressed in public with them.

    I ask, because I should think the end results would depend on their degree of support. If they are all in and go out with you dressed, then I imagine it will continue to be exciting for you. If they know what you do but they do not want to be involved, then things won't change that much for you. If you come out to your wife and she is OK with seeing you dressed at home, eventually it will cease to be exciting to dress in front of her, because the fact that you are dressed will barely register.

    IMO.
    Reine

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Quick question: by "coming out", do you mean telling others that you enjoy presenting as a woman but still presenting as a man in front of them, or do you mean presenting as Cheryl in front of them in addition to going out dressed in public with them.
    IMO.
    At this particular moment in time, I'm envisaging simply telling my wife who, btw, is my wife in name only (complicated, I know) that I actually dress when alone. I want to tell her so that a) there are no nasty surprises if she comes home unexpectedly and b) that she's in the loop and I don't have to live a life of secrecy which is becoming a drag (pardon the pun).

    I don’t want to dress in front of her and see my dressing as something to be kept separate from our day-to-day lives. I’m cool with that and will respect other people’s views as long as I don’t get disapproval for what I do.

    I guess it’s too early to say whether my dressing will ‘wither on the vine’ as it did many moons ago. My circumstances are totally different now, I am a wiser person now and more able to say to people ‘this is who I am!’

    Thanks to everyone for their valued replies. It does appear that most people who come out feel a sense of 'being at one' with oneself which I can identify with. I guess this is when one dresses without the need to have it as a sexual thrill and when we start to dress in an almost prosaic way (eg simple everyday clothes).

    Cheryl x

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Andrea Renea's Avatar
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    By telling my wife it made it easier to dress when I wanted to,so with that said I'd say I dress more now.
    She is the only one who knows

    The enjoyment and excitement is the same.

  17. #17
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Hi Cheryl,

    As Pamela said, and as you can tell from the variety of replies, there are several layers to this. I have come out to numerous friends but not to my family (..yet ...). Those whom I have come out to are ones that Claire interacts with -- girl friends, eye doctor, dentist (yes, it's like that Spoon Full of Sugar song...) and that just encourages me to be me with them and others. It's not much the excitement (yes that is still there! ) as it is them being comfortable with me and me with them. And of course me being comfortable with me.

    And oh yes -- the first person I came out to was my wife, and that was forty+ years ago .. and we are still a happy couple!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  18. #18
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    Cheryl,
    It's irrelevant if it's forbidden fruit or not if you can no longer hide CD/TG feelings, if it's more than just a dressing need ! I found I'd jumped on a rollercoaster when I came out to my wife and the ride wasn't smooth, it's taken another twenty years of ups and downs and recent counselling to get my married life back on track.
    All my family know but haven't seen me dressed so I'm only partially out to them. The other point is you must try and lose calling it a guilty secret, I realised that had to stop when I found I was born like it and it's for life, don't feel guilty about something you can do nothing about and change. The fact I don't feel guilty anymore has changed my attitude to who knows, what they think and say will change nothing in your mind, my CDing isn't going away, so everyone has to develop an acceptance level and try and stick to it.

  19. #19
    Diva AbigailJordan's Avatar
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    I haven't found that the urge to dress has changed significantly since I came out. The one thing that has changed, is now that I no longer have to worry about changing into drab to visit friends and family, I can feel comfortable having guests, or visiting friends etc in my androgynous wardrobe instead, or even fully en femme (which I do occasionally too).

    I guess that for me, the fact that I don't have to hide who I am, or dress to suit other peoples perception, the girl in me has also relaxed some. I think maybe it was being forced to cover it up was what sometimes made the urge to dress SO strong. Now that my inner girl is not restricted, she is also not screaming to be let out every day too.

  20. #20
    Member Candice June Lee's Avatar
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    Hi Cheryl, welcome to the forums.
    Everyone is different in this. Some dont get the opportunity as much as others. For some, we live in fem mode and do everything enfem. Others like my self, have to balance the male and female side as our SO needs the male side as much as we need the female side.

    For me its a matter of practicality, progression and acceptance. If i am working on a car, well, I am not wearing my best fem clothing. As my wife becomes more accustomed, and I become more comfy in myself, i do wear more fem outer clothing while out and about. With that, this weekend i been in male mode, and havnt even underdressed. This was my choice and yes i wanted much to be enfem, but we needed some guy gal time together. But like i said before, as time goes by there will be more fem time. As the everyday clothes of Kandi grows and the male side has few, which is mostly work uniforms, the stylishness i have always loved gets to come out.
    Candi
    Perfection Is a Road Not a Destination

  21. #21
    Senior Member MissTee's Avatar
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    Welcome Cheryl!!

    I am out to my wife and have been for decades. I'm not looking to be out with anyone else and so far I have remained true to that. Dressing brings a calmness I can neither understand nor explain, and I quit trying to do so a long time ago.

    Having my wife know and be supportive affords me the chance to dress on a regular cadence and not have it get out of hand in an explosion of pink fog induced stupidity. I think by having her know I likely dress more, and I usually keep it simple. Now, if I go a long spell and can't dress for weeks, I push closer to wanting to get outlandish. Hope that helps!

  22. #22
    Member Crystal Beth's Avatar
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    Coming out to my wife has been great. I no longer have a "window of time" that I have to be dressed. As for the forbidden fruit, The thrill for me was achieving a sexy look, not keeping a guilty secret. I know this is different for everybody. I love the fact that I am no longer in a rush to dress, throw on make up, have fun, then worry about hiding my shoes and clothes. I can now take my time and enjoy myself and that has made it more fun.

  23. #23
    carpe diem jenniferinsf's Avatar
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    i tend agree with crystal beth....i dress because i dress and the fact that i came out has allowed the luxury of time. no longer quick divertimento rushing to mall to walk around. i will say that i coming out as meant that i had to be considerate of age appropriateness, which has meant the mini skirts, hold ups and stilettos stay in the closet more.

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