How can I get over my self hatred?

[mikeyp]

So, as I've posted in threads before, I have a fetish. A fetish that came to light only within the last year(I'm 22). Part of me is attracted to women. Part of me feels the need to "be" a woman as a bdsm thing I guess you could say. I enjoy reading lots of TG erotica, forced fem, etc. At first, it started out as a very pleasurable activity. After about 6 months I felt like a changed person. I felt that this part of my sexuality was seeping into my very being. I'm in total bliss when associating myself with anything "girly". Tutus, short skirts, lace panties, you name it. I actually found out my love for this genre because of my original fetish of being an adult baby. I remember finding the thought of being a "sissy baby" to be extremely arousing, it then turned more towards just the "sissy" aspect and I dropped the adbl stuff all together.

The feeling of excitement of these feelings turned to disdain. I hate this part of myself. I loathe the feeling of being helpless, weak, and controlled. I then turned to reddit and started to wonder if there were indeed more people out there like me. I was met with, "you're probably trans with internalized transphobia. That's why you have that fetish". That comment pretty much scarred me for life. I started to feel a lot of hatred for the trans community and especially towards myself.

I get so embarrassed by the fact that feminine acts and items turn me on. I HATE this feeling. I wish I was as some here and just felt "normal" to dress, but it doesn't. Dressing just becomes exponentially more arousing. It's a feeling of pure euphoria for me sexually to feel "feminine". I'm scared of what I am and what I might become. One thing is for sure though, I AM transphobic. I want to not be transphobic, but my first experience with trans people online was AWFUL. I try to see them as real people, but I see a lot of them as ignorant and cold.

[Curiosity666]

Hey, you're not the only one going through this.

For many, many crossdressers, it started out almost purely sexual. As time went on, the sexual aspects waned, sometimes going away entirely, or sometimes staying to an extent. Dressing became more a way to express your identity. For many, including myself, there's no desire to transition, and our sexual identity remains straight.

I've been on reddit a fair bit, and I can relate to some of your feelings about the trans community there. They seem to deny the fact that there are "crossdressers" and are of the opinion that we're all either closet trans or perverted creeps. They are NOT a representation of the trans community as a whole. There are some lovely people out there. Try /r/crossdressing for SFW stuff, and follow the links there for the NSFW subs too. If you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a PM.

[mikeyp]

Thanks curiosity. I can relate to this community a lot better. I just feel like there is a lot less of the "extremest" attitude like there is on reddit, and more of an accepting vibe. I know everyone dresses for different reasons though, but god is this feeling embarrassing to me. It's getting to the point where I don't know if I can keep this a secret anymore. I'm completely captivated by the feeling that female clothing gives me. It stimulates me sexually, and makes me feel SO good. I just feel so dirty for this being the reason I want to dress. It kinda feels like a sexual addiction to be honest.

To be honest, I used to wear diapers under my clothes in secret for this exact reason, and when I couldn't wear, I felt awful.

[Stephj]

I to used to hate myself although I am just a underdresser after every time I Would put on a bra and pair panties I say this is the last time I would drink to much do stupid macho crap Then when I turned 33 I realized this is not going away and with some help from a therapist I quit the drinking and stupid macho crap and got on with being me and I am still a under dresser

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Oh I forgot to mention I am now 51

[mikeyp]

hahahaha steph, I'm not into bras very much, but panties, skirts and heels, yes yes! Can't relate to being macho though. I normally feel like "myself" I guess you could say. Sometimes I want to denounce everything feminine about myself and say "I won't turn out like those people!", but I feel so much worse when I deny myself of these feminine feelings.

I'm not sure about dressing in public yet though. Although it would be nice. It's a little too anxiety provoking for me to even think about right now. Then I see guys like who dress without a wig or make up and feel hope. Sometimes I forget that crossdressers are still real men, living with some of the same struggles I am outside of the forum. The only experience I have with those like myself is on internet forums. I feel like if I had a buddy or something I could relate to in person, I could be a little more accepting of myself.

[ReineD]

I get so embarrassed by the fact that feminine acts and items turn me on. I HATE this feeling.

Is it the feminine turn-ons that embarrass you, or is it the fact that they seem to have taken over to the point where you think they will get in the way of having a good sex life with a GG? OK, compare this to food. A lot of people enjoy really good food. Some people can love a good meal and not overeat, while others become compulsive over-eaters. The compulsive over-eaters eventually will need help. You mention a lot of fetishes so I can understand why you are concerned. But maybe you are putting the cart before the horse? Have you actively tried to meet a girl that you are sexually attracted to, tried to start a relationship with her, and do you know for sure that you would still want to eventually revert to the fetishes? What complicates things right now is your age. You're at the most sexually active time in your life.

There is help out there for people who want to be in meaningful sexual relationships with others, but who feel they can't for various reasons. You could start by googling different things until you hit on stuff that makes sense. You could go talk to a sex therapist. You could look into various types of sexual compulsions, even if the ones you look at aren't exactly women's clothing, just to see if some of the advice you read will make sense. In another thread, I mentioned there is a lot of help out there for young men who are more into porn than they would like. Look into that and replace the word "porn" with "whatever it is that excites you", and read through it to see if it makes sense.

Try this site. Like I said, it's not tutus and short skirts, but the people who have issues with porn have the same issues you have in that it permeates their being and they cannot control it: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/under...porn_addiction

I was met with, "you're probably trans with internalized transphobia. That's why you have that fetish". That comment pretty much scarred me for life. I started to feel a lot of hatred for the trans community and especially towards myself.

You may even hear that from some members here. Don't forget that people usually see in others what is in themselves so it makes sense that if a TS has gone through what you are going through, they would say you are like them.

But, if there is a chance you might be TS, you could start a course of HRT and anti-androgens which will inhibit your male sex-drive and eventually deplete it, in fact I've read several TSs say that it was a relief to them when this happened. But if you are considering this as an option, then PLEASE seek the appropriate medical/therapeutic personnel to discuss this at length. The question is, is this a sexual compulsion or are you indeed a woman. It will make sense to look into both possibilities with equal energy because you do not want to alter your body if you are not TS. The long-term fallout of doing this could be devastating.

[mikeyp]

Awesome reply Reine... Yes, as a child I was extremely fascinated by diapers, age play, crossdressing, foot worship, that kind of genre of stuff. As I said, my main fetish was ADBL stuff, which then moved on to the sissy stuff, these seemed to be related genres. I think to myself, "I managed to live 21 years of my life as a happy person until I discovered this side of me. Is it the porn or is it really me?".

I can honestly say that I don't even try with women. All my life it's been "oh, I'm too short", or "nah, I'm not the best looking guy", so I've found myself retreated into my own fantasy life. It was in fact one rejection that led me into the "sissy" stuff. I was at one point actively seeking a girlfriend, but I kinda gave up without actually trying. My self esteem is probably lower than 99% of the whole male population. On the surface I seem to have it all together, know it all, etc, but in reality I'm a piece of paper. The slightest criticism will send me spiraling into extreme loathing and depression.

I've also been known to fall into addictions. Before the sexual stuff, it was video games. I'd literally fixate on video games for 15 hours a day. Nothing else mattered but my enjoyment. There's also my case of severe OCD which I was hospitalized for because they thought I was actually going to commit suicide even though what I had was horrible intrusive thoughts. At one point I had to avoid all sharp objects in fear of accidentally stabbing myself or another person. Sometimes I'm unable to wear certain fabrics on my skin as well. I remember as a young boy I couldn't wear pajama bottoms to bed because when the blanket touched my pjs, it felt so weird.

I hate to be explicit, but sexually intrusive thoughts occupy my very being. I'm not going to deny the fact of what turns me on, but I find myself fixated on what turns me on and when I'm going to be able to pleasure myself probably every minute of every day. The desire to feel that pleasure only rises as I engage in the compulsion more. The food analogy was spot on. It used to be like a once a day thing for me. Now, it's more like a 4-5 times a day thing and it keeps me from actually meeting real women because I feel like I can get everything I need on my own.

I'm not worried about my sex life with a GG though. I know 100% I'll be able to perform well, and have "tested" that theory. I do however want to be at optimal arousal levels when in a relationship, hence why I kind of feel the need to leave this part of me behind just for a little while until I can get all of my thoughts settled on what's good for me and what isn't.

To the hormones thing, I can honestly say that I've made my decision regarding that though. Being that I do eventually want to become a father one day and don't really want to grow breasts. I'm not super interested in this as of now. If there was something I could take to reduce my sex drive and not cause those side effects I'd be game for sure. A lot of it right now is just embarrassment to me.

[Marcelle]

Hi Mikeyp,

I have seen and read quite a few of your posts and there is one overriding theme . . . self loathing. It is quite clear you are very confused about a myriad of issues surrounding gender identity, sexual orientation and addictive personality. While many who water here may suffer from similar issues and commiserating and finding common ground can give you a sense of not being alone (which is a good thing ), we are all laypersons dispensing advice based on personal circumstances and best guess. I note that you are young (comparative to others here) and questioning these things in oneself is quite common at this stage in your life. However, I think things go a bit deeper than questioning and while we can provide a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on or just listen and share common experiences, we cannot give you what you need . . . closure. This is a great place to meet new friends, ask questions or get support but IMHO you really should seek out the help of a trained professional who deals with the type of issues you are dealing with. They will be able to provide you with clarity and probably help bring order to chaos. Now this is not to say anything you are doing or experiencing is wrong, bad or perverted but these people will help you to integrate this into your life in a way that allows you to function without all these pervasive worries.

My two cents for what it is worth.

Cheers

Marcelle

[pamela7]

an in-depth therapy is going to be the best solution, ideally where you can get away for a week or few to solely focus on just sorting out your mind.

[Cheryl_Layton]

Marcelle is spot on with the point about self-loathing. I can identify with quite a lot of what you relate in that my levels of self-esteem are pretty low. This I put down to my upbringing with a disinterested narcissistic mother and a largely absent father. These factors, I believe, didn’t equip me sufficiently to go forward into teenage/adult life with the required level of confidence that you need in order to live a, let’s say, mainstream life. I, too, had major difficulties with finding girlfriends and, I think, used CDing as a substitute. It’s significant, for me, that I’ve never CDed whilst in a relationship.

I’ll bet that you are a better person than you think you are. Most of our major issues are because of what WE think and not what the outside world is thinking.

I’m not going to dispense advice to you as I don’t know you well enough but the advice I would give to my teenage self (if I could) would be – “You are a better looking and more interesting person than you think you are. Finding and maintaining relationships isn’t easy but don’t treat a rejection as a fatal body-blow that stops you from trying again. Try to socialise with people who can help to boost your self-esteem. If possible, join a club or engage in an activity that you enjoy. Sharing experiences/activities makes life much more enjoyable. At the end of the day, Believe In Yourself!

[Demi88]

The answer, IMO, is to move to a society where it is accepted and meet like minded friends. Perhaps another state or country. Unfortunately, this is a do as I say not do as I do, advice.

[mikeyp]

If only demi. If only.

[JamieTG]

You are carrying around shame and self hatred because you feel you are not what society says a man should be. I'm a fetish dresser who grew up in the 50's and 60's. Back then I heard society use words such as sick, perverted, weird, and abomination to describe someone like me. I carried around this shame for many years until I realized I was a decent person in spite of what I liked to wear. Society likes to control people, make them conform, and make them perfect. Every human being is different in some way or another. Do you want to live for society or live for yourself? There is a great book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. She is a "shame" researcher and the book explains how shame/self loathing affect your self esteem and your quality of life. I highly recommend it.

[Tracii G]

I would see a therapist about it.
Just knowing/learning what drives you in that direction may help a great deal.
The comments "oh I'm too short" or "I'm not good looking enough" is a cop out IMO and just shows you were afraid to talk to girls.
Maybe you were afraid if they learned about your fetish they wouldn't understand you and to be honest it would more than likely send them running.
Your hormones are active right now and controlling your emotions so you need to get that under control.
Enjoying the "sissy" aspect is what you like and that is OK plenty of people are into that but balance and control is the key.

[katssun]

Honestly, it helps the more that you do it.

I started out at puberty. In fact, my first "experience" was en femme, or at least as best I could accomplish with belts constricting my waist and knee-pads filling out my curves (yes indeed, I started with knee pads as breastforms and covering my maleness). I felt nothing but shame every time I enjoyed it. I knew it was "wrong" but it was the only way that I felt "me."

Over time, things shifted to less and less sexual in nature. While I still occasionally am turned on by dressing, for the most part it is merely the way that I relax and unwind. It has simply become an aspect of who I am. I enjoy simply accepting who I am.

The hardest part is that I love both worlds. I love wearing steeltoed boots, jeans, shirt, and Carhartt outerwear to work. Once I get home, I love wearing camisoles and skirts. I'm caught in between the two worlds, one of masculinity and the world that Katharina occupies. I love that I can feel masculine for a while and then feminine mere hours later.

It's less that I dislike what I am, and more that I am ashamed of the people I love and trust knowing what I am. I'm pretty sure that at least one member of my family has "found me out," though they've never mentioned it.

Professional counselling can certainly help if you're feeling caught, but accepting the part of yourself that loves dressing is as important as the part of yourself that is revolted by it. It sound strange, but that is the world that we have to live in. Knowing that society will generally not accept you for who you are and want to be, but also recognizing that individually, there is nothing to be ashamed about. What you do on your own time is no one else's business. There are plenty of "mainstream" people out there with their own fetishes who won't ever dare tell another soul because they fear the social repercussions of doing so.

As crazy as it sounds, doublethink helps a great deal.

[ReineD]

I can honestly say that I don't even try with women. All my life it's been "oh, I'm too short", or "nah, I'm not the best looking guy", so I've found myself retreated into my own fantasy life. It was in fact one rejection that led me into the "sissy" stuff. I was at one point actively seeking a girlfriend, but I kinda gave up without actually trying. My self esteem is probably lower than 99% of the whole male population.

Then I think you should talk to a professional about this, even if the sexual compulsions are not related to your self esteem. Do you have low self-esteem because you find yourself out of control with the sexual compulsions, or do you turn to sex because you have low self-esteem. No one here can provide that answer.

Are you in school by any chance, where there are counseling services for students?

[Tracii G]

Good question ReineD I was wondering that too.

[docrobbysherry]

Mikey, you need professional help to sort out all your issues. In particular, he/she will point out which ones need immediate work and which ones will be sorted out in time. Since u r so young, many of them will.

I know from experience. I was very frustrated at your age. I had little self esteem. And, because of the Viet Nam war I wasn't free to explore my options. After I got out of the Army I was suddenly free for the first time in my life, at age 25. However, it took 7 or 8 more years on my chosen career path before I felt "successful". While I'd had a number of GF's before then, I found women were much more attracted to me after I felt good about myself. And, I'm no stud, good dresser, handsome, or social charmer! Men don't need any of those things with women. Just confidence!

I also have and do experience the same sexual excitement/attraction to dressing as u. And, the guilt that often goes with it! I'm in my 70's now.

I believe u need to get your shit together. Hopefully u will. U have lots of time. Once u find a career path u enjoy, u may find u don't have the energy or inclination to obsess on sex or your fetishes. Feeling good about yourself should be your #1 goal. Then, most of your other issues will fall into place.

However, finding the road to peace and self satisfaction is NOT that easy. It wasn't for me anyway. As many have mentioned, u may need the help of a good, experienced professional. They can be an enormous help! And, have been for me at various points in my life. Good luck and keep us posted!

[KellyJameson]

The self hatred is from your judging yourself. You judge yourself because you are not doing or being what you "should be"

It is the word "should" that is the place where your pain lives and begins. Learn to watch for it in your thoughts and beliefs.

You may be sexually submissive and it is being or thinking of yourself as submissive that creates part of your self hate because you "should not be submissive" because "you are a man".

You are caught in a contradiction that is causing you pain.

Your identity as a man clashes with your desire to be submissive which is expressed through your sexuality as being "feminine"

You associate being feminine with being submissive but it is your sexuality that is being used to define both these experiences.

Because of sex the experience of being submissive is entirely different between men and women.

What you identify as being feminine is foreign to a woman's understanding and experience of the word.

You may wish to read the blog Crossdreamers by Jack Molay.

The strength and intensity of your sexuality is providing the fuel that drives your OCD and all the swirling thoughts and contradictions within your mind are causing you pain.

It is a trap you feel there is no escape from but there is an escape and it is simple but will feel like the most difficult thing you have ever done.

I never understood until recently how much men struggle to live with their sexuality. How much torment it can cause them and how much they suffer because of it. I respect men much more now that I understand them better as the forces they must learn to live with and not allow to become destructive.

Reddit can be very toxic to men because some of the sub reddits take the anger and frustration and intentionally inflame it.

Being sensitive and self judging makes you sensitive to criticism. The words of others threaten to make your pain worse than it already is. You are already beating yourself over the head so when others do it as well, it strengths your own ability to do it more to yourself.

It would be like looking in the mirror and saying to yourself " I'm ugly" and than having someone you care about come up behind you while you are looking in the mirror and agreeing with you.

Please be careful about not allowing toxic people in your life because right now you are not strong enough to survive them. They could take you farther down into the hole you are trying too escape from

I would also suggest you establish friendships with women you are not sexually attracted to.

Try to bring simple pleasures into your life.

It always takes time to understand our pain. You will need patience along with self acceptance.

All the words you are using to judge yourself by come from thinking you are different from every one else so "bad" "evil" "corrupt" "perverted" "weak".

None of his is true. You are simply struggling with the difficulties of being human and a sexual being.

Start with self forgiveness and self acceptance. let go of the labels you keep applying to yourself.

[Charlyne]

I recommend two steps: go to a counselor and develop good girly girl friendships. If you are not good with women, (I wasn't) go to dance lessons and don't be picky about the girls you meet. Slowly share your crossdressing and more.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

You are in good company. I see nothing but positivity and acceptance on this forum. I'm not qualified to give you the help you need to sort this out, but all I can say is, enjoy it. There is no reason to feel bad for something you enjoy as long as no one gets hurt. Life is too short to hate what you are doing. Have fun doing something unique. Football is overrated and predictable anyway. If you keep it a secret, enjoy the fact that this is something you get all to yourself and that you know something others don't. If you decide to come out that's great too. If you take this to a fetish club eventually, live in the moment. You won't be alone. No matter which route you take you are not alone. We all do this for our own reasons and there are plenty of people who are into the same thing you are and plenty willing to go along with you.

[wilt575]

I kind of know the feeling, I'm attracted to women, but deep inside I want to be a women, experience life as a gg physically, emotionally, etc. I have a friend who know this she says I would be a good lesbian. I've thought about looked into big step, but surgery scares me. Any kind not just SRS. I get so depressed at being male, no other option I guess.

[Robin414]

Hi Mikeyp, I've never really experienced self hatred but a little self embarrassment maybe (a serious conversation for another thread)...are you or have you considered seeing a gender therapist, they're real and can help!