I think I'm a transexual and I don't know where to go from here.

[mikeyp]

I've been under a lot of stress lately. A LOT. I've even considered suicide quite a few times because of this intense erotic desire I have coupled with shame from CDing. On the outside, I'm a good looking 22 year old male. On the inside, my sexuality is tearing me to absolute pieces.

Out of loneliness last year I decided to buy myself a pair of panties. I was strangely attracted to these. I sooner found forced fem stories and instantly became hooked. I bought tutus, a dress, a bra, things, panties, not really a complete outfit but just stuff to wear. 6 months later I started to feel weird. Out of nowhere this deep anxiety hit me and life was never the same. All I can think about now is women's clothes. I want to emulate everything about women. I want to wear that tight, short dress. Those form-fitting pants and walk just like them. I just want to be in every way as graceful as they are. This obsession has literally taken over every single part of my psyche and it won't go away.

In public I become EXTREMELY aroused when I see a fit, attractive girl, to the point where I become uncomfortable with myself. I just want to be her so badly that I feel like I just want to take off my clothes right then and there and put on hers. I never thought in a million years this would be me, but here I am, extremely ashamed. It feels like I've built this castle up over all these years and now it's all falling dow right before my eyes. I'm losing my sense of identity. My composure. My goals. Everything, just to satisfy this erotic desire that I feel. I'd love to walk around the mall extremely aroused, dressed up to the nines to feed this, but the grip becomes stronger by the day.

The anxiety literally pains me. Here I am, this good looking guy, who wants SO badly to just be a girl. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at the "need" I feel to wear pink panties under my clothes. It just isn't enough though. I want the whole wardrobe. If my friends saw me like this, i'd surely kill myself. I have no insurance. No money. No job. Live at home. I just want to run away and start a new life, attempting to blend in with the girls. I've even started to fetishize my own denial. My denial completely turns me on!!

Someone help me. This is all new. I want to live a normal life. I want this sex drive to be gone immediately, just for a little while so I can clear my head and not live in this erotic fantasy that I feel. I also have STRONG obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm not sure if the CDing triggered my OCD, or if the OCD and shame I feel around this triggered my CDing. Do you see my dilemma? All of these years living a somewhat "normal" life all coming to an end.

[Nadine Spirit]

I have actually thought about you a bit lately and have been thinking that you really need to seek out some professional help. You know someone that could help you figure all of this stuff out. You seem really confused and more than a bit lost abput all of this. For your own help, please find a way. Maybe you could discuss with your parents about wanting to see a counselor, being as it seems you are still at home. You are kind of all over the place and you are probably not going to get the kind of help you need from a message board.

[mikeyp]

I would nadine, but I literally feel incapacitated. These urges are taking over every part of me. I guess it isn't so easy to explain. I feel sicker and sicker every single day.

[AllieSF]

I will second the recommendation for some qualified professional help. Qualified = experience with transgender individuals. Sometimes when we find something new we go overboard, especially those that go overboard on a lot of things and then eventually lose interest or the intense drive to do whatever goes down. The same can happen when exploring our gender relationship/being with our self. A good therapist can help you sort out your feelings and get a better handle on yourself. Well worth the effort, cost and time.

PS: Just read your reply to Nadine. If you have enough energy to reply here, you have enough energy to search for therapist help near you. No denials, just make the decision and take another step forward to find one and call one. Those strong thoughts of yours need to be dealt with soon.

[mikeyp]

Yeah Allie. This is all just so much being bombarded onto me at one time. On one hand I think I'm homosexual. On the other hand transexual. I need to see a therapist asap. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, especially alone. I wish I had something that could calm me and take me away from all of this for a little while. I feel like I'm finally coming to the end of the rainbow and everything is exploding in my face finally.

I just want to be able to enjoy what's left of my life. I'm now into genres of pornography that didn't at ALL interest me from the start.

[AllieSF]

Just take care of yourself and realize that maybe the porn is only a temporary side activity. No shame in being gay, trans or whatever. maybe a few issues with others, especially those closest to you. As long as you like waking up and seeing the sun or the rain, keep working on continuing to do just that. If you ever tried to find the end of that rainbow you will know that there is no end, just pretty colors in a wonderful arc across the skies on a sunny and rainy day. Keep talking here, call some friends and tell them to be nice to you. You do not have to say why, just that you are fighting some internal issues and need someone close by to hug or talk to, about anything, when needed. Most people want to help and those with the troubles have extreme difficulty asking for help when they most need it. So, in this case you need to take those initial first steps. Help works, go for it.

[mikeyp]

I don't know how exactly to explain it, but there's this side of my brain that just ITCHES if I don't feed into my porn addiction right then and there. I feel like a monster who is unable to control his urges. I NEED the porn to make me feel good. I used to be able to get off to "normal" things. I've tried it. It literally makes me feel like I'm in pain when I can't feed my desires right then and there. I can't even sit in my work uniform for more than 4 hours without feeling the NEED to dress in women's clothing and watch porn.

This can't be healthy. I haven't kept up with my friends much since getting into this stuff. I've pretty much avoided all social contact and dropped school/my job just so I could pleasure myself when I felt the need. I can't even sleep without feeling aroused. It feels like I'm an addict that needs his fix to feel good, but after I get my 5 minute fix, it only digs me farther down the hole.

My older therapist recommended stopping the porn just for awhile to clear my head. She said I should do pushups or exhaust myself when I felt the urge come on me.
Idk though. I guess I see that she wasn't kidding now.

[Tracii G]

I don't know what your parents are like but I would speak to my Mom first and tell her what is going on.
If they have the means financially please see a gender therapist as soon as possible.
Just because you want to be female doesn't mean you are gay.
OCD is awful I know but please just because you like something doesn't mean it has to control your life seek some balance.
Lastly don't even think about suicide please. Think what that will do to your parents and what friends you have.
Life isn't perfect and actually its pretty darn hard for most of us so its not just you having hard times dealing with this we all are.

At least you are aware you have a problem and thats a start.
I am an ex drug addict so I can understand somewhat.

[mikeyp]

I've heard that all my life tracii. I've NEVER been obtain balance in anything. Everything I've ever enjoyed has consumed me one way or another. This time, the activity which I enjoy makes me feel SO good. I can't even live without it for 2 hours. My life was 50x better when I wasn't masturbating at all though, which leads me to believe I CAN live without it, but my anxiety tells me no. The anxiety is that which arouses me. I'm FREAKED out

[Tracii G]

Sounds a lot like an addictive personality thing to me on top of your OCD.
I'm sure you have heard it all and when people try to help you choose not to listen to them or your better sense.
An addict can only be helped if they want help and you sound like you want help so see a therapist that deals with gender issues.
Kicking a habit is hard and I mean real hard but its up to you to do it.

[Robin414]

Don't take this the wrong way but PLEASE find a gender therapist hon, I've seen one myself and she WILL help you figure this out! Keep posting, I'm (like everyone here) concerned about you!

[mikeyp]

I really appreciate it robin. I'm going to see a gender therapist as soon as I can. I really do think that the porn addiction isn't helping my plight though. I've gotten into things that I wasn't into in the beginning, purely because of the shock and anxiety value. I wish I could stop, but I don't feel like I can.

[Robin414]

Your going to be OK, don't lose focus of that FACT! You have several thousand friends here and with the professional help of a trained phsycologist your going to be just fine ☺

[Vickie_CDTV]

It sounds more like OCD than transsexualism (the often repeated myth in the trans community that all who dress are really transsexuals does not help.)

You really need to seek out professional help for the OCD, unfortunately no one but a professional can diagnose you and give you an appropriate treatment. Don't feel guilty about being a sexual being, like any behavior it can be taken to an unhealthy extreme when mental illness is present.

I know many in this country do not have access to health care, I understand it can be difficult to obtain treatment, but I would do what you can to at least get a diagnosis. If your mother is willing to help, you can alwyas talk with her about the OCD and leave the dressing out if you are more comfortable with that.

[mikeyp]

I guess it's good that I can tell my mom literally anything. I told her that I was extremely distressed and wear female clothing in private and she didn't really bat an eye. She was just like, "can you show me the panties?" which was awkward as crap.

Yeah though, I used to look at all of these websites to see what was "wrong" with me and most said I was likely a transexual so I just rolled with it. I then became really stressed and more stress led to a cycle of more CDing and more pornography.

[Lyla]

Have you tried talking to the younger TSs on here that recently transistioned? I would be beneficial to you to get some first hand knowledge and some starting points for you and your journey to self discovery. As other have suggested it would be in your best interest to see a gender therapist.

And remember you are you, not anyone else. You can not put a square peg through a circular hole, but also not all squares or circles are the same size. Also don't feel rushed to jump off the deep end, take time to look at your self and those around you.

[chinabrown]

go to a LGBTQ center are to TRIESS to seek counseling.

[Valery L]

You are not transsexual if that makes you feel better. The feelings that make transsexuals unhappy, anxious and depressed are normally associated with a disconnection between their inner self and their physical body, it is not about clothes. Typically, transsexuals are not motivated by arousal and erotic sensations or behaviours that are more typical in paraphilias, their internal necessity is something much deeper. In contrast, the erotic component is fairly common in crossdressers, in some of them more accentuated than others, in some crossdressers it does not exist at all or has decreased with the pass of time, but in others it is even a strong fetish. In my case, crossdressing is almost exclusively about sexual gratification, nothing turns me on more than that, and without it I think crossdressing would be meaningless to me. And I am sure that it is not something bad, I do not feel shame at all, and I am not obsessed with that, it does not interfere in my daily activities, even when I think about it many times during the day. In your case, I assume it is something similar but out of control, you said that you have always had problems with the activities that you enjoy, if they tend to become easily addictive or something like that, I think it is due to some psychological or psychiatric disorder. Therefore, in my opinion your problem is not crossdressing nor transsexualism, the real cause is some disorder, and of course it might be related with your OCD. But do not worry, as soon as you receive psychological and/or medical attention I am sure that you will be fine, you will not get rid of your crossdressing fetish but you will begin to enjoy it without the anxiety and obsession that worries you now. My best wishes to you.

[pamela7]

sounds like a sex-addict with a fetish CD aspect, albeit masturbatory rather than couples sex. There are sex-addict anonymous groups, might be a cheaper alternative in this case.

[Krisi]

I am not a big fan of therapists, psychiatrists and the like, but in your case, if you can't get your feelings under control with plain old "willpower", there's nothing else to suggest but professional help. Good luck.

[JamieTG]

Mikeyp I honestly don't think you are a TS. We all wish we could look like these hot looking girls and we envy them. And a lot of us feel shame and self loathing because we are this way. I've always had a panty fetish and when I was growing up, I felt that this fetish made me sick, weird, and a pervert. It really affected my self esteem in a negative way. This fetish does not define you. It does not make you a bad person. Please do some research on shame and low self esteem. Good luck.

[ReineD]

The feelings that make transsexuals unhappy, anxious and depressed are normally associated with a disconnection between their inner self and their physical body, it is not about clothes. Typically, transsexuals are not motivated by arousal and erotic sensations or behaviours that are more typical in paraphilias, their internal necessity is something much deeper. In contrast, the erotic component is fairly common in crossdressers, in some of them more accentuated than others, in some crossdressers it does not exist at all or has decreased with the pass of time, but in others it is even a strong fetish.

This.

I urge you to start exploring ways you can help yourself, whether it is starting to look for self-help online on sites that provide resources for sexual compulsions, talking to a professional, or preferably, both.

[mikeyp]

Thanks Reine. I'm not going to lie, over the past year, I got into this erotica online which seemed to amplify my fetish 20 fold. I know it was already inside of me, or I wouldn't have gone looking for it, but still. I could feel the power it had over me increasing over time, to the point where my thoughts have become almost fully focused on sex. It's disturbing and compulsive.

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little but better today, but I just know that the external stuff is literally not doing anything to make me feel better about myself.

[ReineD]

So Mikey, what will be the first concrete thing you will do tomorrow, to reach out and start helping yourself?

[mikeyp]

UM, well I think first thing's first, I'm gonna drop porn for a little while(no pressure if I can't), until I find a therapist, because the porn seems to make me worsen after each session. Just seems like the right thing to do since I can't find a healthy relationship with it on my own at least. Next, I have a job training today, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep this job in the current chaotic state of my mind.