Any advice for my "big" under-dressing reveal?

[Chriscrossed]

I've got an urge to open up about my under-dressing in person to a couple of my liberal minded lady friends. My wife and kids are familiar with my collection of tights and nail polish but I really need to talk this out more with my pals. I've been blabbing to my therapist about being tired of not being open about myself on many levels and now I think it's time to put it out there. I'm hoping sharing and opening a conversation with friends will take some of this weight off my broad shoulders and let me relax.

I'm feeling a little concerned about bringing the topic up because my gender identity is a real mouthful. There are two hyphens in "gender-fluid under-dresser", so I think this definition is going to raise more questions at first than put them more at ease with me. Do you have any advice how to add a little more context to my story and sell my gender identity package - succinctly?

Thanks in advance, Chris Crossed.

P.S. I'm quite sure my friends have noticed over the years that I wear 50 den tights, skinny jeans & nail polish both at their place and ours so I don't think there is going to be any surprise factor for either of them. These women are educated, creative, attractive, well dressed, experienced, considerate and have lots of normal problems like the rest of us.

[Krisi]

My advice is to only tell people who need to know and tell them only as much as they need to know. Your wife and children have good reason not to tell others about your "hobby" but your friends do not. Being known publically as a crossdresser could affect your job and your standing in the community.

Think carefully about the possible consequences before you tell them anything they don't need to know.

[Saikotsu]

If say be patient with them and answer any questions they have honestly and directly. If you respond with shame or embarrassment, they'll respond in kind. Best of luck

[Chriscrossed]

Thanks Saikotsu and Krisi.

Krisi - Do you know any stories of a person being burned by friends after sharing?

I'm hoping that my friendships will deepen and become more intimate after my "big" reveal next Tuesday ... and hopefully without asking them to sign a Non-disclosure-Agreement beforehand.

Chris.

[Krisi]

You asked for advice, I gave you mine. If you don't like it, ignore it. I don't want to argue with you.

[Taylor186]

I agree with Krisi.

But, if you don't mind if things don't go as you "hope" (and if you'd been around these boards longer you would have read plenty of stories where it didn't) and if you don't mind them telling all their and your friends then there is little downside. If you do mind then tread carefully.

[Jenniferathome]

No one cares to know about your underwear.

If you are planning on telling them you are a cross dresser, why do they need to know? Will you be wearing dresses and skirts in front of them?

[IamWren]

I'll echo what Krisi and Taylor said (by the way Krisi, I don't think she was trying to argue with you. Just asking any examples from your experience. At least that's the way I read her response).

I would disclose your crossdressing on a need to know basis. You can control what you say but not what others say or how they say it. I used to work in public relations for a good while and PR101 states "control the narrative". You may be perfectly fine with people saying you like to wear women's clothing but you may be horrified at the WAY they say you like to wear women's clothing.

Need to know basis. That's my recommendation.

[debstar]

I have sone advice. Organise a big party and make it an open invite for extra effect. When the party is in full swing get up on stage and do a strip routine that will ultimately reveal yourself to everyone. Step 3 walk off the stage and high five a pre arranged GG.

Problem solved. No one will be left with any doubt.

If you are more like me then do not do that and don't tell anyone.

[CONSUELO]

ChrisCrossed raises an interesting issue that I have observed within our cross dressing community and that is the strong desire to let others know. I have read stories of cross dressers running outside in a nightdress or peignoir to pick up a newspaper or their mail all the while fearing they might be seen, yet seemingly excited by the possibility of being "caught".

I went through a phase like this and it was very strong. For some the consequences of being "caught" could be very bad, yet the desire to experience the thrill of tempting fate was so strong. I was once strongly tempted to tell a male colleague. I didn't thank goodness and I later realized that doing so would have been a terrible idea with many bad consequences. Yet the desire to "open up" was almost overwhelming.

What is the experience of other members?

[Tracii G]

I understand the urge to reveal this part of you but like Jennifer said nobody wants to see your underwear.
Telling people can be good and bad so be ready for the outcome either way.
I underdressed years ago and while I was at a friends music store the wife of a worker was there hanging out and she caught a glimpse of my panties and the pink border and she gave me a funny look.
I acted like it wasn't a big deal and she never mentioned it to me.If she told her husband I don't know.
Think hard if you were not the way you are how would you react to someone revealing this info?

[Dana44]

Criscrossed, why would you revel your underwear. Seriously, if you are a cross dresser. You might revel that, but underdress? Nobody cares about your underwear. But how to revel was your question? Have a toga or nightgown party LOL and wear panties, Then it would be known and that would be a good way to reveal.

[Debra Russell]

......Why?? ........... and what does this do for you?..........................Debra

[AngelaYVR]

If you want people to think "ewwwww" then this is a good way to go about it.

[pamela7]

i'm kind of wondering why you want to reveal underdressing? surely the game is revealing dressing, otherwise the point of underdressing is somewhat lost - to hide it? come out as a CD who hides it?

[Nolacdflorida]

I agree with Pamela. I can understand you wanting to come out about dressing, but not under-dressing.

Not that I am an expert as I am still coming to terms with my own situation.

[Chriscrossed]

Wow!

Thanks to all of you for the advice. I think the score is common sense 10 points vs. irrational feelings 0 points

I'm going to wait for the dust to settle, give this another think and report back to you with my decision. Hrmmmm.

[Saikotsu]

Hello again,
I feel I should add a bit to my previous statements. I think you should just come out as gender fluid rather than an under dresser. Most people would rather not know that you wear panties. Most people prefer not to think about other people's underwear regardless of gender identity. If you come out as Gender Fluid the question will likely come up, "does that mean you wear women's underwear?" in which case you can answer honestly. I think the focus should more be on the gender fluidity, mainly because not a lot of people will be familiar with the term.

People are probably wondering why I didn't say this before. Honestly, it's because I wasn't as awake as I thought I was at the time.

[ReineD]

Maybe you should tell us what you think 'underdressing' means? A lot of people believe it is just wearing panties, hose, and bras. But you identify as androgynous in your profile and you also wear more visible things like nail polish and girl jeans?

You live in Northern Europe which I believe is more socially liberal than many pockets in the US where many respondents in this thread live. It could well be that the people in your area have a broader view of men who enjoy wearing feminine things.

But to give you context, if you lived in the US (or Canada ... I'm not sure about the rest of Europe or Australia), these would be the range of reactions even though people wouldn't necessarily say it out loud to you:

• "Oh well, he's kinky. Whatever, just so long as he doesn't throw it in my face.".
• "Ohhh, he's kinky! "
• "OMG! He likes to wear girl clothes! Ewwwww."
• "Oh, he's genderqueer! Good for him!" (mostly from people familiar with our community)

[Candice June Lee]

I don't think it's anyone's business. Dress as you like and be you. They don't care if your wearing underwear or not not what kind it is. Most folks don't care we are presenting as fem, unless you sport beard while doing so.
For me it makes no never mind what I am wearing. I wear what I want. When questioned I give an answer that's polite and appropriate. I just don't volunteer the info, Niether should you. It's who you are and advertising isn't really a turn on so to speak.

[wilt575]

I don't it's a strong desire to let others know per-say, just a matter of feeling comfortable in there presence, not making you or them feel uneasy.

[Nadine Spirit]

I am kind of surprised by the other responses here. But then again, you are asking people that many have no experience with telling anyone, anything, ever. In fact much of their experience with gender variances has revolved around how to do it and never have anyone find out ever. This builds up a large fear factor for many of them and they can only ever see negative responses occurring from informing others.

Now with that being said, I am not so sure what you mean by revealing that you under-dress. For most here, that simply means that you wear underwear of the opposite gender. And if that is the case, I do not think that anyone else really needs to know what type of underwear you wear. But if you are talking more along the lines of painting your finger nails and such, then I totally understand.

I have told many of my friends and work associates that I consider myself to be "a transgender individual who is always gender non-conforming and occasionally cross dresses." Which is quite the mouthful as well! The best way I have come up with to inform others is to simply explain that giant mouthful and then answer any questions that they have.

Good luck!

[Chriscrossed]

Thanks for jumping back in with this little gem of advice Saikotsu:

I think the focus should more be on the gender fluidity, mainly because not a lot of people will be familiar with the term.

My feelings about my gender bias are much more interesting and relevant for my friends than my undies. I will stick to visible expressions of this identity of mine which I'm so desperate to share.

[Pat]

Wow. I guess the message has been delivered, huh? Honestly, I think the focus should be on the people you're planning to tell. I don't think the issue is so much why do YOU want to tell, but why you think THEY want to know. If the answer is it will make YOU feel better, maybe you're doing it for the wrong reason. And maybe they don't want this knowledge.

[Demi88]

They already know. Maybe the conversation will occur naturally one night when everyone is feeling good and in a talkative mood.