I believe in certain things, but there can often be a disconnect between theory and real life. I guess I crossed a line today, or rather, I discovered today that I had crossed a line without realizing it. It was a really good discovery.
I believe that the gender binary is a myth. By that I mean I do not believe in gender as a black and white thing with everyone either male or female. I confess, though I am internally female, there are days when I still feel “male”...whatever that means...haha. It does not happen often anymore, but it does still happen. And, at six two in height, I have no illusions that without a lot of obvious gender markers such as a wig, full makeup, heels etc...that I appear female to most casual observers. Though my hair is quite long now, I am quite sure that if I simply throw on a sweat shirt and jeans and run to the store without makeup, wig, heels and purse...as many gg's might on a lazy Saturday morning... that I will be gendered as male, despite having been on hormones now for five years.
I just accept that.
And here is where the theory thing comes in. I don't care how I am gendered (as long as misgendering is not done maliciously and deliberately). I don't expect to “pass” without trying. But my theoretical believe is that it doesn't matter. I know who I am and am comfortable with myself.
But...in practice...in real life...testing those beliefs has been a difficult thing to do. Fully dressed I am always gendered correctly, as female. But in what passes for drab for me lately it has not been an issue. I have always been gendered as male...slightly odd male...lol... but male.
Until today.
My reaction surprised myself.
I had to run to the drug store this morning ( I was out of tonic water for my G&Ts tee hee).
I threw on a pair of skinny jeans, a hoodie, baseball cap and sneakers. No makeup and no bra. I ran into the store and grabbed the bottles and walked up to the counter. The clerk was a few rows back in the store. He caught sight of me and yelled out “I'll be right with you ma'am”.
Now, being in what my mind still thinks of as “male mode”, and without thinking, I yelled back in “male” voice “No problem”
A moment later the clerk walked up to the counter and said “Sorry about that, sir, the long hair threw me off.”
And, again without thinking, I laughed and said “No problem. It's cool. I am transgender”
Without missing a beat the clerk, a nice young man in his late 20s or early 30s said “Oh, ok, no problem...which do you prefer?”
I said “It doesn't matter” and laughed “I know who I am”
And I smiled.
He smiled back, chuckled naturally, and said “That's a great attitude!”
We then had a very brief discussion about gender and the binary. He was really cool and happy to learn something about a subject he knew little about.
And I walked out smiling.
Maybe it was because someone had seen me and, without any tricks, seen me as female.
But maybe...and I think this is the reality...maybe it was because I realized that I finally really do not care. My gender is not determined by how others react to me. It is internal and real and something with which I am totally comfortable. If others get that...awesome. If they don't...I don't care. I really, finally, totally do not care.
I know exactly who I am.
I am transgender.
And I am not only comfortable with that....
…..I am proud of it.
Originally Posted by samantha rogers
paula
