My boyfriend won't tell me the truth

[Tammy494]

Hello everybody, so I'm Tammy and I'm new to this site.. I've been reading a lot on here and it seems like you're all really wonderful and inspiring people. I'm here for some advice on an issue that I've been dealing with for months now. ive been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years but I now feel like I don't even know who he is. From the outside, he's a strong and attractive sports fanatic with lots of friends and a hilarious personality. He's always been a very private person when it comes to his emotions and feelings. But a few months ago I found pictures of him on a dating app.... In MY clothing. He was wearing a silk slip in one, and my pants in a couple of others. And there was another picture also. I was in complete shock. I found it while I was at my house and I was not about to talk to him about it through the phone so I was planning to wait to confront him. However that plan backfired because I called into work that day so I could get my head together and somebody at my job asked him if I was okay because I had called in. So he called me and demanded to know what was wrong and it just didn't go the way I wanted it to go. I wasn't ready to discuss it so since he forced me I just told him I caught him and that I'm not an idiot. He immediately denied it and I can't even tell you what happened from there, we broke up and didn't talk for days. When we finally did he was still sticking to his really shitty alibi. So I let it go. A week later I found his box of clothes hidden in his closet..... With my dress in it and tons of undies. I found it while he wasn't home and I had to leave. So I left a long note with the box on his bed saying that I just want to know the truth and that I'll accept it no matter what it is. I wrote that I love him for him not what clothes he wears and that he doesn't have to be scared to tell me. I tried to make it as comforting as possible. But when he got home he still didn't tell me the truth. He avoided it and opened up to me about how depressed he's been for years and talked about all of the pain that he holds inside. It broke my heart that I never thought he was anything but happy. So again I let it go. Months down the line now, I still don't trust him one bit. He left a stocking out one day a few weeks ago and I asked where it was from and he quickly responded " I don't know things just get mixed up in my clothes" and so then he left for work. So that upset me so I sent him long messages basically begging him for the truth telling him that I'll never let it go with the lies he's been telling me. I said he has a better chance of me staying with him if he just opens up then if he sticks to his lies. He stopped denying it at a certain point in that conversation but then he closed back down and said he had nothing to tell me. I feel really helpless, all I want is to understand and he won't allow me. I'm totally okay with the dressing if we just talk about it and he helps me to understand. I don't mind it, it's just clothing. But without the truth my mind runs wild thinking of all the possibilities. Please please please help me, I just want advice I want to get him to open up and let me in. I'm the least judge mental most caring person on the planet but if he doesn't stop lying then I will be forced to end the relationship because it's really tearing me apart. Please help.

[RADER]

Hi Tammy;
Welcome to the forum, glad you found us.
You BF has been caught, and he is scared, very scared that the cat got out of the bag,
and he will be the laughing stock of America.
Now by your Post, I know you will not tell, but he is scared and lying your way out of
the Pickle Barrel is the order of the day.
The notes you sent him was great, but the two of you need a face to face sit down.
In a sense, you need to hold his hand and tell him how much you love him, try to calm
his fears. Trust is the key thing in a relationship. with out trust, there is no relationship.
Tell him his secrete is safe with you, but he needs to come clean with you what his
intentions are. Cross dressing is just one page, Transition is another, And some thing I
am sure you are not interested in at this time.
Tell him IF you are willing to go shopping with him, Getting is own wardrobe, and maybe
setting some limits for now, on how much dressing he does.
Good luck
The hardest thing is going to break the Ice, Getting him to open up to you, being able to
Trust each other.
Rader

[Tammy494]

Radar,
Everything you said makes sense, and I know the best way of communication is face to face. The thing is, I have tried. I wasn't able to include every single detail in my post because it would have been incredibly long. Basically, (I'm going to use a fake name ) John is awful at communicating. Any type of serious conversation that I've ever attempted to have with him in person over the past 4 years has ended in failure. He gets so angry and feels attacked whenever we talk seriously face to face. And I promise you, although I've been in attack mode in previous talks, this was not one of them. When this whole thing happened I sat him down and said that I want us to grow together and as individuals and that this can make us stronger. I told him that I will be able to trust him again but he needs to be honest. I probably said that I'm scared to get hurt, but I've also said straight out that I do not care at all if he is a crossdresser. But he just denies denies denies. I feel like I'm fighting a brick wall that won't come down.

[Robin414]

Hi Tammy, I'm no expert but IMHO based on how you've described your BF I think he's likely DEEPLY, and I mean DEEPLY embarrassed to come out of the closet...I gather he's pobably less than 30 as well...even MORE DEEPLY embarrassed! I'd suggest taking it slow and maybe even 'turning a blind eye' to it for a while until it sinks in (for him).

(I'm kinda in the same boat...maybe a few boat lengths ahead).

[Thea Pauline]

Hi Tammy,

I'm fully transitioned but for the details, so take my advice and ratchet it down until it fits. It appears from your initial post that you are as accepting as you can be given the limited interaction you have been able to have. I think I fully understand where both of you are because of my own experiences. "John" is terrified, wants you to know but doesn't, is in a panic, has no idea what the future holds and needs to get hooked up with a counselor experienced with gender issues. I say counselor because this should not be considered a mental problem that requires therapy, but a question of self that deserves acknowledgement and answers. Those answers may or may not come from a mental health professional, but from the honest interaction with a neutral party. You see my dear, despite your openness and willingness to hear and discover together, "John" may need to learn about himself alone, but learn he must. You too must have a neutral outlet to discover your own limits and to keep yourself healthy if you are to travel this path with him.

Take care of yourself, remain open and encourage communication; especially between "John" and a specialist in gender issues. Not because it's a problem, but to help him negotiate these turbulent times in your lives. You will both benefit from learning how to discuss this.

Best wishes.

[Pat]

Hi Tammy -- thanks for coming to the forum and asking. Your guy is fortunate to have you even if he doesn't know it yet. A closeted crossdresser has years of conditioning to hide his behavior and it's probably backed up by as many years of self-loathing. He's probably afraid to come clean about it both because he doesn't understand it himself and because he can't imagine how anyone could love him if they find out about this awful vice (in his mind.) You're a total hero if you ride this out. It seems like you're saying the right things, you just need to crack through the shell. Maybe you should encourage him to come here and read a bit -- find out he's not alone; he's not broken and he can be as loved as anyone else.

[Laurie A]

Hi Tammy -- thanks for coming to the forum and asking. Your guy is fortunate to have you even if he doesn't know it yet. A closeted crossdresser has years of conditioning to hide his behavior and it's probably backed up by as many years of self-loathing. He's probably afraid to come clean about it both because he doesn't understand it himself and because he can't imagine how anyone could love him if they find out about this awful vice (in his mind.) You're a total hero if you ride this out. It seems like you're saying the right things, you just need to crack through the shell. Maybe you should encourage him to come here and read a bit -- find out he's not alone; he's not broken and he can be as loved as anyone else.

I completely agree with Jennie! I once read that one of the reasons that cross dressers are so ashamed is that they are deeply invested in their male persona. He's probably spent years trying to bury and repress an irresistible urge. The worst insults we were conditioned to as boys were "sissy" and most anything perceived as feminine behavior. Those memories are sometimes deeply burned into our self evaluation.

Hang in there and be strong, if you love this guy, I hope you will be able to work this out.

[Robin414]

Good advice Jennie, I second that, this is a wonderful place to realize you're not alone...

[AmandaM]

You mentioned "dating app". Does this mean currently? Is he looking for dates? Make sure you're okay with this part of the issue if you want to move forward.

[Rachelakld]

I spent decades building up a tough military image, it takes a heck off effort to hide something like this, also we often (and incorrectly) associate it with GAY, and leads to a path we never want to travel. So the possibility of such an unwanted future can cause depression, anxiety etc (many people hide it with laughter).
Accepting who I am took 4 decades.
I don't know how to get your BF to open up, I do know I wished my GF would wear my hidden treasures to bed, and also let me wear them to bed. I still "borrow" stuff from my wife that I think she looks sexy in, and pretend I look as sexy like her.
I think your BF needs to understand he is normal (perhaps not the normal he wanted), and maybe a councillor will speed up the process.

[Infused]

Good for you for being so accepting and making the effort to keep your relationship. I just want to add something regarding the denial. It is difficult to explain something when you don't understand it yourself. I've made progress understanding myself, but when I really ponder on it, I still come up with more questions than answers. I wish that I had someone to talk with and help me figure myself out. Hopefully he finds the courage to be open and talk honestly about this.

[ReineD]

The thing is, I never thought he was gay. He was the one who defended it before I even accused, saying I think he's gay or something. I never got that vibe from him he's always been very into me, but maybe some of you can fill me in on whether or not you were intimate and very into a female before you realized you liked men too? Or maybe when some of you were this age, you were confused of what the dressing could mean?

I typed my response above without reading page 2 of this thread. Sorry.

There are lots of fantasies about being with men here. Any thread that has "dating" and "men" in the thread title gets thousands more hits than other threads. Yet most CDers are hetero. It's more about the fantasy of being a sexually alluring woman (and using the fantasy guy as a prop) than actually having an attraction to males, although we do have some members who are gay or bi. If your bf became upset when he thought you were wondering if he is gay, he probably doesn't intend it to take the fantasy to real life physical experience.

It still gets back to the same thing though. Does he source a greater amount of sexual excitement with the fantasies than he does with you and even if he is equally into you, are you OK with having this sort of competition.

[Mayo]

As has been stated, the assumption that CD = gay is just a stereotype and more likely to be false than true. Unless you know he's talking to other guys then you don't have any idea at this point if he's bi or gay. Who his intended audience for those dressed photos might be is at the moment unclear (though I have difficulty believing that it's other women). Frankly, he may not really know himself but ultimately people need to figure these things out for themselves. I understand where your comfort level is about non-hetero sexuality, but it does complicate matters a bit in terms of unconditional acceptance: you're in the position where you have to say that you love him and accept him if he's a crossdresser but you won't be able to handle it if he's not absolutely straight.

Ultimately, for a relationship to survive and thrive, people need to be comfortable with who they are themselves (which he definitely is not) and with who their spouses/SOs are, otherwise there will be conflicts. These things need to be gotten out in the open for your relationship to succeed, but at the same time you (both) have to realize that doing so might bring up things that could cause the relationship to crash. You just have to read these forums to know how much anguish some of the people here have gone through. The fear of loss is a scary thing that keeps people hanging on, not being open, and ultimately making choices that in the end are not the best ones for themselves or for the relationship. (I speak as someone who got married when I shouldn't have because I didn't have the guts to say no and be honest about my true feelings and then stayed in an abusive relationship for a decade because I didn't have the guts to say no and leave.) In the end, if the two of you turn out not to be compatible, isn't it better to know sooner than later? Please note that I'm not saying that you two aren't going to stay together - I'm just saying that you need to recognize that the possibility exists and work together to make the relationship survive if it can.

It seems that he needs individual counselling for his gender issues - whatever they may be - and the two of you could use some couples counselling as to how to deal with whatever comes up (including his inability to be open and honest with you) in the most constructive way possible for you both. I hope it works out for you both in the end.

[stacycoral]

Miss Tammy, girl i would have to agree with most of Rader's comments here, you must look out for yourself, He should really talk to you, not everyone has a woman that will share the time with us girls, i lucky that my SO knew before we were married and for over 25 years now, and she lets me be me most of the time, but you have to love and do what the other want too. So he really need to talk to you, and learn that he is a very lucky person to have you in his life, I wish you the best and pray that everything will work out for you, hugs girl.

[anton jon]

Hi again tammy, I agree with so much that people said and I find I am getting a little confused with how I would deal with things. Thinking more about my first post and rereading your post many time has helped me see that I agree with you. I am with my wife 10 years and I only came out to her a few days ago but I never hid it from her, when I came out to my wife she explained that she knew, I made sure she knew from the second we met, when we met I was very open but I also told her about all of me but in such a way that I was being honest but just didn't come out untill I felt ready. Yourself and john have a very different story to ours and he is not ready.

To answer your fears about getting traced or tracked, it would be very hard for the avarage person but you don't need to worry one little bit about that. We are not like that, we all care for you both and are only here to help, we can all relate to your story in some way and sure why would anyone want too, their is nothing to gain from doing something so heartless and disrespectful. We are warm caring people who came here to learn, make friends and to support each other as best we can . The team who run this site do so in such a pro way that if a fool like that got into the site they would not last long. We are very safe and protected here by the team but also we look out for eachother.
I hope this helps you feel better.

I don't want to be a woman I am very happy with being a man, I truly don't fully understand why I dress well I didn't until I came out to my wife and myself at the same time and joined this site. Now I fully embrace who I am and see myself as not that troll I say anthony as but I can see what my wife sees. A strong man who is handsome and her knight in shining armor but as a women I am softer but sexy and still her knight just in shining leather .

As for the dating site I too joined a dating site but before I met my wife, just before. I joined a russian bride site but not for a bride or even for a date. Because I felt so ugly on the outside i lost all my confidence so I joined to help me feel attractive and to get my confidance back. It worked perfectly and if I didn't join that site I would have never made a move on my wife. John might have been doing the same or might have been just trying to feel like he fit in and was accepted.

How you move forward I don't know but to echo what many others have said, a relationship built on lies is doomed to fail and his honesty will free you both from a whole lot of pain but it will take time, baby steps.
I agree at this stage in time he simply does not deserve you and if he is not honest he never will deserve you.

I am not a church person but I pray you both work this out it the least painfull way.

I have so much respect for you and I wish I could just hug you both and take this pain away.

Anton jon.

[Katya@]

Hi Tammy,
To me it sounds lile sounds like you go above and beyond what a reasonable person would expect. Many of us have significant others that totaly reject us outright or settle for don't ask don't tell relationship despite us coming out clean to them. I think your bf needs to get his act together at this point and a minimum to have an adult conversation with you. Do give him time to digest the situation but any relationship is a two way and he needs to stop denying the reality. This forum is a great place to learn who you are and it helped me to accept who I am.

[ReineD]

Hi Tammy, welcome! I'm a genetic female like you.

I was absolutely amazed when I finally realized just how difficult it is for some CDers to come out. You'll hear stories here about taking YEARS just to get the courage to post a picture with no face showing! Or drive two hours to attend a TG/CD support meeting in a room full of people they don't know who will understand! And the thought of telling a SO is worse than even death for some of our members!

You cannot underestimate how terrifying this is for your SO.

He needs to knock down some of his walls. Hopefully he will do so before losing you. It's just so sad to see CDers willing to leave their relationships because they're so terrified to be open to their SOs about this.

So now on to my question ... you mentioned a dating site. Was your SO looking to date other people and are you OK with this?

And a last comment: you might show him this thread, and ask if he would like to join the forum. There are all types of members here, from people who do this for fun occasionally, to people for whom it is a sexual preference (a fetish), to people who dress because they do not identify as male and everything else in between. He might want to talk to other CDers about his fear of letting you in. There is a private section for CDers that SO's cannot join.

There is also a private section for GGs (genetic girls, a.k.a birth females) that you might want to join too, for support. The details are here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

[mykell]

Hi Tammy, welcome! I'm a genetic female like you.
There is also a private section for GGs (genetic girls, a.k.a birth females) that you might want to join too, for support. The details are here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

i think it will benefit you to apply to this forum, i think he is scared and confused but getting real about it will be advantages to you both, since society presumes we are gay he may too, all the more important that he join in here and learn about himself with folks like himself.....

edit:
look this is about him, print it out, show him its OK, he is not the only one like this, it validates your love for him, it establishes good intent and love from perfect strangers, it will let him know he will be OK in the end, however far down the rabbit hole he goes he is not the first....its in the open already, an honest conversation has to be had....

28,866 members and counting, he has to have something in common with someone?

[Acastina]

And a last comment: you might show him this thread, and ask if he would like to join the forum. There are all types of members here, from people who do this for fun occasionally, to people for whom it is a sexual preference (a fetish), to people who dress because they do not identify as male and everything else in between. He might want to talk to other CDers about his fear of letting you in. There is a private section for CDers that SO's cannot join.

There is also a private section for GGs (genetic girls, a.k.a birth females) that you might want to join too, for support. The details are here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

That was my first second thought too, to guide him to this forum and let him read up on the phenomenon. My only hesitation with this particular advice is that he might feel exposed and self-conscious because it is about him specifically. Even though none of us knows where these folks are or what they look like, he may suddenly feel like the whole world knows about him and is watching in amusement or disdain.

Maybe gentler would just be for Tammy to tell him that she searched the Internet trying to understand him and found this site. Give him a link and give him some time? There are so many positive experiences chronicled here, and once he reads stories something like his from all different kinds of people, the most likely outcome is some kind of eventual epiphany of self-acceptance.

Soooo, lead the horse to water and see if he's thirsty. Good luck. He's lucky to have you, still trying hard to help him grow and know all of himself better.

[Tracii G]

I have to ask this Tammy is this boy your first love?
Why do you stay if he obviously doesn't respect you as a person?
Do you think you can't do any better? Use the excuse "but I love him" ?
Its a toxic abusive relationship you know this so why stay with this guy?
Maybe its time to look at yourself and the reasons you can't let him go.
I hate to be blunt like this but I am seeing a pattern of you not seeing the forest for the trees.

[SHINY-J]

Somehow, I just now noticed this thread... I initially considered just adding my 2 cents without reading through all of the posts, but I decided that I would and I'm glad I did. There's been a lot of good advice offered by everyone here that considers many different reasons, scenarios, solutions, outcomes, etc.

The simple fact is that there doesn't really seem to be a definitive solution here, seeing as how he's the only one who can really shed light on the best way to approach things and he's not talking.

Getting advice from others on here is great - not just because it's given you ideas on how to approach him about it, but it's also given you a ton of insight into the actual act of dressing and I think you've come to realize that you'd have to cast a very wide net to capture the many different ways that dressing plays a part on people's lives.

I'll start off by saying a couple of things that may come across as harsh or dismissive, and others have already touched on it, but I think it deserves to be repeated and considered.... You're both still very young. If I remember correctly, I believe you said that he's 24 and you're 21- you also stated that you've been together for 4 years... I'm certainly not trying to sabotage your relationship and I'm not trying to be cynical, so please don't think that I'm just claiming that it's doomed no matter what and you should just throw in the towel. Reading through this thread, I can honestly say that I feel like I have been in the same position both of you are in right now. In terms of how you feel on your end- I can tell you that I remember a girl I was in a serious relationship with where I always felt like I was actually fighting with a her so to STAY with her. It happens all the time with relationships everywhere, but when you stop and really think about it, it's actually a completely ludicrous concept. I know that when you're in the relationship and in that moment, it's VERY hard to see. If it doesn't work out, trust me... There will be a day when you look back and realize that you gave him way too much credit, way too much power, way too much energy, and way too much time. Hopefully, you can work it out, but if not, just don't waste anymore time than you have to. That's usually when it gets to the point that there's nothing left but regret and resentment and things just end badly all around.

Once again, please don't think that I'm being a pessimist... I'm all in favor of finding the right woman and making it last. I've dreamed of nothing else and I'll never stop trying to find it. It's just that I remember a relationship I was in that was very much like yours except that it was me trying to fight for her. My dressing wasn't even an issue as I was in a very long period where I somehow completely lost the desire to dress and she had no idea I had ever even done it before. I didn't stop out of shame, guilt, fear, etc. I just simply woke up one day and other things were more important. Still, I was the one trying to fight for her but she could care less... She was secretive, dismissive, insensitive, hateful, etc... Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't waste any more time or energy on her.

Now in terms of him, I really felt many connections with the way you described him. I'm described by friends and family as funny, sports junkie, guys guy, etc... However, I do CD. I keep it a very close secret and I'm very discreet. My situation is different as my dressing is really just a fetish. It's for my own sexual gratification. I don't have any doubts about my gender, sexuality, etc. Although I don't know anymore about him that what you've indicated, I think he may be like me where it's just a fetish. Of course, none of us know this for sure, but I think if it were anything else, you might have spotted some signs.

Like him, I remember the countless times when I've sneaked panties or lingerie from the women I've dated... I remember the way I would lock the door and check it countless times when I was wearing any femme clothes and how I would scramble to strip off the panties and stash them out of sight and throw on a t shirt and some sweatpants as quickly as I could when there was a knock on the door...trying not to arouse suspicion. I remember when I was around 11 or so, I had a few pairs of panties I had managed to scrounge up and I was so scared of my family finding them, that I eventually resorted to wrapping them up in some garbage bags and stashing them deep in the woods about a mile away from my house. Eventually, I grew to realize that was a little too far and I located a secure place in my room to hide them. Still, I remember how carefully i hid them and the unbelievably absurd lengths I would go to to hide my dressing from others. I would lock the door and check it multiple times... I would make sure that the curtains were pulled completely shut where nobody could see in... I would turn off the A/C or heater so that I would hear if their car pulled in the driveway earlier than usual. Some of these things seems completely ridiculous but I can still remember the unbelievable fear of being caught. For some, it may have been easier than others, but I cannot stress how ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING the idea if being discovered was to me. I can honestly say that if anyone had discovered my secret back then that I mostly likely would've taken my own life. It wasn't that my family were intolerant, evil people... Far from it... I wasn't mentally ill or abused... I was, however, a very self-conscious and very insecure kid and teenager. And like him, I also battled anxiety, stress, depression, etc. his may be because of his dressing, but IMO, it sounds like he's got some more things bugging him than just the dressing.

Like some have said and you already know, his denying his dressing even when faced with undeniable proof is completely ridiculous. However, I do think it shows how completely terrified he is about anyone discovering his "secret". That's also why it's a good thing that you didn't make any rash decisions about confronting him or avoiding him and the manner in which you would do it. In all honesty, you know him better than anyone. Many on here, including myself, would love to find a woman that's so supportive and understanding as you've been about this. That being said, it sounds like he pretty lousy at communication in general. You could go in with kid gloves or guns blazing and I still couldn't tell you how he'd respond to it. Flip a coin?

Also, as far as the dating app goes, you know if he's shown behavior that's associated with cheating. I personally think that if he were cheating, that he would've just posted pics of himself NOT dressed on there. I can tell you that the Internet is an amazing place of safe expression for a closet CD that is hellbent on keeping his secret, but also cannot fight the desire to be seen.

As I stated, my dressing is a fetish, - while I won't get into specifics as that's not the issue, I will say that for me , it's a combination of factors that excite me when it comes to dressing- shiny fabrics, platform boots and heels, kinky lingerie, massive breast forms, heavy makeup, etc. while I love all of those things, I also love that it's SO far removed from my regular, normal life. Knowing that, I can also say that it's also the fact that it's so taboo and "naughty" that drives my desire to dress. Obviously, I won't go out and interact with the public dressed like this, so posting pics online is a way that I express myself. Regardless of what anyone on here says, the first time you post pics of yourself dressed online, it is a thrilling rush. I know he hid his face - I do the same- Even if the vast majority of responses and attention that I get online are from men, and even if its completely anonymous, it's still an incredibly euphoric feeling to put yourself out there and be exposed. If I had to bet on whether it was actual cheating or just getting a thrill from having people see his pics online, I'd feel pretty confident it was the latter. Still, when you're dealing with the fact that it's a dating/hookup site and he's so completely dismissive about it, you have to address that because it's important to protect yourself no matter how confident you feel that he's been faithful to you.
As far as why he didn't make more of an effort to conceal the background in the pics and hide his personal effects and belongings out of sight, I'm guessing it can be chalked up to that being the first time he's done it and that this is a lesson he's now learned. I'm sure he was extremely excited and was getting an exciting rush from posting pics of himself online dresse in women's clothing. He rushed through in the excitement and simply forgot. Nothing more. From now on, he will take the extra steps and all pics will be done with no indications of anything that could be tied to him. It also tells me that he really didn't think that you would look for him doing that. If I were cheating and trying to hide it from my girlfriend, I would take any and all precautions I could to conceal my identity. Neither of which really says anything good about your relationship.

Which ties into the last thing I'll mention... He seems to have VERY little respect for you. I think that the word "respect" has lost part of its meaning with too many people in this world. It seems like whenever anyone mentions "respect" far too many people automatically get an image of a gangsta rapper "demanding respect" or a cast member from Mob Wives telling some skank to "respect" her... Yes, those are examples of respect, but it also ties in with both you and your relationship... And He seems to have very little "respect" for both. Regardless of how you feel about him, how long you've been together, your desire to "not give up", you worrying about what he's going through, etc... None of that changes the fact that he has been very cavalier with your feelings and the relationship. He doesn't appear at all afraid of losing you and he doesn't feel at all concerned about doing anything to patch things up. He's indifferent about your desire not just stabilize, but improve the relationship. To me, it seems like he's just hoping you'll lose interest but he also might be hanging on because he so scared that you're going to out him to the world. I wonder if there would be anything at all between you two if you hadn't discovered all of these things? ... I think forcing the conversation is necessary to get answers, but given how he's acted so far, I think he's more than likely content to end the relationship as opposed to coming clean about ANY of the things you've discovered.

[Dana44]

Tammy, The dating site in your clothes is quite bothersome. I wonder if he has gender issues and I agree that he needs to go to a councilor. He does need to come clean with you. Right now even though he doesn't know it, your a gold nugget in this relationship. We appreciate our SO's and do not lie to them. Coming out to my SO was one of the hardest things I had to do and it took a lot of communication to stabilize the situation. He may not want to see professional help even by himself. But he must come clean with you. Otherwise there is no relationship. I am a BI gender fluid cross dresser. Being BI, I would much rather and am now with my girlfriend. Yeah women are far better than what he is trying to do. Sit down with him and get him to open up with you.

[Tammy494]

I can't even express how grateful I am to be able to come here and talk about what's going on, and to have people giving me great advice.
Robin, I definitely agree with that he is probably very embarrassed. He's a very self conscious person even though he does not talk about it often. I can see it in certain social environments and I have only seen it get worse. He actually barely goes out with his friends anymore and he's only 24... I don't know what I can do to help him, it makes me so sad that he must be so scared and confused and embarrassed inside, and that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to come to me.
Thea, I definitely think counseling would be helpful but I just don't know how I would ever get him to agree. He's incredibly stubborn..

And Jennie I agree completely, he can be loved and he is loved by me and many others. I'm terrified to tell him I've even on here talking about this.

Is everybody suggesting that I wait it out a little longer even though I don't trust him and it tears me apart?
The dating site is just another one of many unexplained things. I just truly in my gut do not think he is cheating on me or intends to. My own theory is that he's so confused inside and perhaps he posted these pics without his face to get approval from strangers without giving himself away. I hope that's the case anyway. I'm left to draw my own conclusions...

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I wasn't able to answer some people because I am at his house, but I will be returning in the morning for sure.

[Taragirl427]

I don't understand his reluctance to talk with you about this. You have clearly been understanding and supportive. I wish my ex-wife had responded the way you are...speaks volumes about your character. It seems alarming to me that he is so reluctant to talk with you and his photos were on a dating site. It could be more fetish and less gender identity related, and it could indicate that he is cheating or considering it. I don't mean to upset you. You know him best, so only you can really know if that's the case. I hope he comes around and opens up to you. With such an understanding partner like you it could really take your relationship to a wonderful level and give you an intensely close personal connection.

[ReineD]

Hi Tammy,

Two things:

I read your OP again and noticed this:

But when he got home he still didn't tell me the truth. He avoided it and opened up to me about how depressed he's been for years and talked about all of the pain that he holds inside. It broke my heart that I never thought he was anything but happy. So again I let it go. Months down the line now, I still don't trust him one bit.

I think you let it go too soon. He does know that you found his clothes. The key here is "all the pain he holds inside". I think this was an opening to let you in. You might want to revisit the conversation from this point of view and ask him to tell you more about his pain. Tell him that you understand how difficult it must be for him to tell you about his feelings and the crossdressing, but he needs to know there are a lot of men who do this for lots of different reasons and they are not crazy. You are a couple now and there are certain things that have a huge impact on intimacy, that cannot be ignored.

That said, he won’t be able to tell you why he does this. I’m guessing that it is sexual for him at this point, and he thinks it is a weird and somewhat shameful sexual kink, especially if there is conflict between this and his sexuality with you.

Is everybody suggesting that I wait it out a little longer even though I don't trust him and it tears me apart?
The dating site is just another one of many unexplained things. I just truly in my gut do not think he is cheating on me or intends to. My own theory is that he's so confused inside and perhaps he posted these pics without his face to get approval from strangers without giving himself away. I hope that's the case anyway. I'm left to draw my own conclusions...

Waiting it out will only make things worse. It's not a good idea to draw your own conclusions because it is very likely you will get it wrong.

The sexual urges related to the CDing can be very powerful. You don’t say what type of dating site this was, if it was a site where CDers hook up? Was it a dating site or an image hosting site with profiles for CDers to meet online and engage in cyber fantasy together in private? A lot of people feel that online fantasy interaction is not cheating because the people involved do not meet in real life. But, it is still sexual energy that is directed outside of your relationship (like reacting to porn) and if you are not OK with your bf sourcing sexual gratification outside of your relationship then you need to let him know.

I’m doing a lot of guessing here because I don’t know the details (I'm getting my cues from the term "dating site"), but fundamentally, things won’t get better between the two of you until you find a way to bring everything out in the open with your bf, without any judgment. Tammy, if you sweep this under the carpet for fear of upsetting the status quo, your relationship will stagnate. I know that bringing this up again is hard to do.

Does he know that you found pictures of him dressed on that site?