My boyfriend won't tell me the truth

[Tammy494]

Hello everybody, so I'm Tammy and I'm new to this site.. I've been reading a lot on here and it seems like you're all really wonderful and inspiring people. I'm here for some advice on an issue that I've been dealing with for months now. ive been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years but I now feel like I don't even know who he is. From the outside, he's a strong and attractive sports fanatic with lots of friends and a hilarious personality. He's always been a very private person when it comes to his emotions and feelings. But a few months ago I found pictures of him on a dating app.... In MY clothing. He was wearing a silk slip in one, and my pants in a couple of others. And there was another picture also. I was in complete shock. I found it while I was at my house and I was not about to talk to him about it through the phone so I was planning to wait to confront him. However that plan backfired because I called into work that day so I could get my head together and somebody at my job asked him if I was okay because I had called in. So he called me and demanded to know what was wrong and it just didn't go the way I wanted it to go. I wasn't ready to discuss it so since he forced me I just told him I caught him and that I'm not an idiot. He immediately denied it and I can't even tell you what happened from there, we broke up and didn't talk for days. When we finally did he was still sticking to his really shitty alibi. So I let it go. A week later I found his box of clothes hidden in his closet..... With my dress in it and tons of undies. I found it while he wasn't home and I had to leave. So I left a long note with the box on his bed saying that I just want to know the truth and that I'll accept it no matter what it is. I wrote that I love him for him not what clothes he wears and that he doesn't have to be scared to tell me. I tried to make it as comforting as possible. But when he got home he still didn't tell me the truth. He avoided it and opened up to me about how depressed he's been for years and talked about all of the pain that he holds inside. It broke my heart that I never thought he was anything but happy. So again I let it go. Months down the line now, I still don't trust him one bit. He left a stocking out one day a few weeks ago and I asked where it was from and he quickly responded " I don't know things just get mixed up in my clothes" and so then he left for work. So that upset me so I sent him long messages basically begging him for the truth telling him that I'll never let it go with the lies he's been telling me. I said he has a better chance of me staying with him if he just opens up then if he sticks to his lies. He stopped denying it at a certain point in that conversation but then he closed back down and said he had nothing to tell me. I feel really helpless, all I want is to understand and he won't allow me. I'm totally okay with the dressing if we just talk about it and he helps me to understand. I don't mind it, it's just clothing. But without the truth my mind runs wild thinking of all the possibilities. Please please please help me, I just want advice I want to get him to open up and let me in. I'm the least judge mental most caring person on the planet but if he doesn't stop lying then I will be forced to end the relationship because it's really tearing me apart. Please help.

[RADER]

Hi Tammy;
Welcome to the forum, glad you found us.
You BF has been caught, and he is scared, very scared that the cat got out of the bag,
and he will be the laughing stock of America.
Now by your Post, I know you will not tell, but he is scared and lying your way out of
the Pickle Barrel is the order of the day.
The notes you sent him was great, but the two of you need a face to face sit down.
In a sense, you need to hold his hand and tell him how much you love him, try to calm
his fears. Trust is the key thing in a relationship. with out trust, there is no relationship.
Tell him his secrete is safe with you, but he needs to come clean with you what his
intentions are. Cross dressing is just one page, Transition is another, And some thing I
am sure you are not interested in at this time.
Tell him IF you are willing to go shopping with him, Getting is own wardrobe, and maybe
setting some limits for now, on how much dressing he does.
Good luck
The hardest thing is going to break the Ice, Getting him to open up to you, being able to
Trust each other.
Rader

[Tammy494]

Radar,
Everything you said makes sense, and I know the best way of communication is face to face. The thing is, I have tried. I wasn't able to include every single detail in my post because it would have been incredibly long. Basically, (I'm going to use a fake name ) John is awful at communicating. Any type of serious conversation that I've ever attempted to have with him in person over the past 4 years has ended in failure. He gets so angry and feels attacked whenever we talk seriously face to face. And I promise you, although I've been in attack mode in previous talks, this was not one of them. When this whole thing happened I sat him down and said that I want us to grow together and as individuals and that this can make us stronger. I told him that I will be able to trust him again but he needs to be honest. I probably said that I'm scared to get hurt, but I've also said straight out that I do not care at all if he is a crossdresser. But he just denies denies denies. I feel like I'm fighting a brick wall that won't come down.

[Robin414]

Hi Tammy, I'm no expert but IMHO based on how you've described your BF I think he's likely DEEPLY, and I mean DEEPLY embarrassed to come out of the closet...I gather he's pobably less than 30 as well...even MORE DEEPLY embarrassed! I'd suggest taking it slow and maybe even 'turning a blind eye' to it for a while until it sinks in (for him).

(I'm kinda in the same boat...maybe a few boat lengths ahead).

[Thea Pauline]

Hi Tammy,

I'm fully transitioned but for the details, so take my advice and ratchet it down until it fits. It appears from your initial post that you are as accepting as you can be given the limited interaction you have been able to have. I think I fully understand where both of you are because of my own experiences. "John" is terrified, wants you to know but doesn't, is in a panic, has no idea what the future holds and needs to get hooked up with a counselor experienced with gender issues. I say counselor because this should not be considered a mental problem that requires therapy, but a question of self that deserves acknowledgement and answers. Those answers may or may not come from a mental health professional, but from the honest interaction with a neutral party. You see my dear, despite your openness and willingness to hear and discover together, "John" may need to learn about himself alone, but learn he must. You too must have a neutral outlet to discover your own limits and to keep yourself healthy if you are to travel this path with him.

Take care of yourself, remain open and encourage communication; especially between "John" and a specialist in gender issues. Not because it's a problem, but to help him negotiate these turbulent times in your lives. You will both benefit from learning how to discuss this.

Best wishes.

[Pat]

Hi Tammy -- thanks for coming to the forum and asking. Your guy is fortunate to have you even if he doesn't know it yet. A closeted crossdresser has years of conditioning to hide his behavior and it's probably backed up by as many years of self-loathing. He's probably afraid to come clean about it both because he doesn't understand it himself and because he can't imagine how anyone could love him if they find out about this awful vice (in his mind.) You're a total hero if you ride this out. It seems like you're saying the right things, you just need to crack through the shell. Maybe you should encourage him to come here and read a bit -- find out he's not alone; he's not broken and he can be as loved as anyone else.

[Robin414]

Good advice Jennie, I second that, this is a wonderful place to realize you're not alone...

[AmandaM]

You mentioned "dating app". Does this mean currently? Is he looking for dates? Make sure you're okay with this part of the issue if you want to move forward.

[Rachelakld]

I spent decades building up a tough military image, it takes a heck off effort to hide something like this, also we often (and incorrectly) associate it with GAY, and leads to a path we never want to travel. So the possibility of such an unwanted future can cause depression, anxiety etc (many people hide it with laughter).
Accepting who I am took 4 decades.
I don't know how to get your BF to open up, I do know I wished my GF would wear my hidden treasures to bed, and also let me wear them to bed. I still "borrow" stuff from my wife that I think she looks sexy in, and pretend I look as sexy like her.
I think your BF needs to understand he is normal (perhaps not the normal he wanted), and maybe a councillor will speed up the process.

[Katya@]

Hi Tammy,
To me it sounds lile sounds like you go above and beyond what a reasonable person would expect. Many of us have significant others that totaly reject us outright or settle for don't ask don't tell relationship despite us coming out clean to them. I think your bf needs to get his act together at this point and a minimum to have an adult conversation with you. Do give him time to digest the situation but any relationship is a two way and he needs to stop denying the reality. This forum is a great place to learn who you are and it helped me to accept who I am.

[ReineD]

Hi Tammy, welcome! I'm a genetic female like you.

I was absolutely amazed when I finally realized just how difficult it is for some CDers to come out. You'll hear stories here about taking YEARS just to get the courage to post a picture with no face showing! Or drive two hours to attend a TG/CD support meeting in a room full of people they don't know who will understand! And the thought of telling a SO is worse than even death for some of our members!

You cannot underestimate how terrifying this is for your SO.

He needs to knock down some of his walls. Hopefully he will do so before losing you. It's just so sad to see CDers willing to leave their relationships because they're so terrified to be open to their SOs about this.

So now on to my question ... you mentioned a dating site. Was your SO looking to date other people and are you OK with this?

And a last comment: you might show him this thread, and ask if he would like to join the forum. There are all types of members here, from people who do this for fun occasionally, to people for whom it is a sexual preference (a fetish), to people who dress because they do not identify as male and everything else in between. He might want to talk to other CDers about his fear of letting you in. There is a private section for CDers that SO's cannot join.

There is also a private section for GGs (genetic girls, a.k.a birth females) that you might want to join too, for support. The details are here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

[Dana44]

Tammy, The dating site in your clothes is quite bothersome. I wonder if he has gender issues and I agree that he needs to go to a councilor. He does need to come clean with you. Right now even though he doesn't know it, your a gold nugget in this relationship. We appreciate our SO's and do not lie to them. Coming out to my SO was one of the hardest things I had to do and it took a lot of communication to stabilize the situation. He may not want to see professional help even by himself. But he must come clean with you. Otherwise there is no relationship. I am a BI gender fluid cross dresser. Being BI, I would much rather and am now with my girlfriend. Yeah women are far better than what he is trying to do. Sit down with him and get him to open up with you.

[Tammy494]

I can't even express how grateful I am to be able to come here and talk about what's going on, and to have people giving me great advice.
Robin, I definitely agree with that he is probably very embarrassed. He's a very self conscious person even though he does not talk about it often. I can see it in certain social environments and I have only seen it get worse. He actually barely goes out with his friends anymore and he's only 24... I don't know what I can do to help him, it makes me so sad that he must be so scared and confused and embarrassed inside, and that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to come to me.
Thea, I definitely think counseling would be helpful but I just don't know how I would ever get him to agree. He's incredibly stubborn..

And Jennie I agree completely, he can be loved and he is loved by me and many others. I'm terrified to tell him I've even on here talking about this.

Is everybody suggesting that I wait it out a little longer even though I don't trust him and it tears me apart?
The dating site is just another one of many unexplained things. I just truly in my gut do not think he is cheating on me or intends to. My own theory is that he's so confused inside and perhaps he posted these pics without his face to get approval from strangers without giving himself away. I hope that's the case anyway. I'm left to draw my own conclusions...

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

I wasn't able to answer some people because I am at his house, but I will be returning in the morning for sure.

[Taragirl427]

I don't understand his reluctance to talk with you about this. You have clearly been understanding and supportive. I wish my ex-wife had responded the way you are...speaks volumes about your character. It seems alarming to me that he is so reluctant to talk with you and his photos were on a dating site. It could be more fetish and less gender identity related, and it could indicate that he is cheating or considering it. I don't mean to upset you. You know him best, so only you can really know if that's the case. I hope he comes around and opens up to you. With such an understanding partner like you it could really take your relationship to a wonderful level and give you an intensely close personal connection.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Tammy, thanks for writing.

You are attached to your SO, and you're doing what you can to save your relationship, but frankly you deserve much, much better. I have sympathy for his crossdressing urges, obviously, but he's lying to you consistently, and what would worry me far more is that you know he's been on a dating site. You're trying to have a mature relationship with an adolescent, basically.

You are not responsible for his happiness.

You cannot 'save' him.

His selfishness and dishonesty are giant warning signs.

Heed them.

Hugs, Nikki

[AngelaYVR]

So much said already and good advice. I will address the dating site thing, though. It can be that when you bottle something up very tightly that the pressure builds and can come out in inappropriate ways. It could very well be the case that John has no real interest in dating but simply found a way to let off a little steam.
It can be hard to be closeted and yet desperately want to share that part of yourself. Could be wrong, he might just be a massive jerk. But if not, hopefully he will see that he can trust you (I know the irony here is tough).
I wish you all the best.

[debstar]

This sounds a lot like my story. Was very much in love with some one years ago who confronted me however I was not so emotionally mature at the time and just denied denied denied till I was blue in the face. I later learned she had good evidence to be sure but for me the presure and risk of being outed caused me to end our relationship.

I to this day regret how I handled that situation.

Given the dating site issue you mentioned I think at least you have a little leverage to request that he sees a councillor. If he agrees to that and actually attends the it may allow him a private space / outlet to discuss his feelings.. and may in time open up to you more.

[Tina_gm]

Hi Tammy. Welcome. Normally I am one of the more long winded posters when it comes to these wonderful threads. I say wonderful because of the reality, not because the situation is wonderful. It is anything but. So, I am only going to give you one little thought. He is not ready to tell you because he is not ready to admit it fully to himself. I was one of those for 30 years. It really isn't you he is so afraid of, or untrusting. It isn't because he doesn't have strong enough feelings for you. Him not telling you is due to how he feels about himself. You are doing the right things, but this acceptance thing is an incredibly hard barrier for many of us. Just keep doing what you are doing. You don't have to accept lies. But him opening up to you fully will happen when he is ready to admit it fully to himself.

[mechamoose]

We don't all fit in nice boxes, sweetie.

Many of us are conflicted as to how to handle it. Sure, I have a beard, but does that mean I'm the Alpha Male?

I was given a body. I didn't get any say in that. I'm a bull who likes skirts. My wife loves my 'Lion Mane'.

It isn't about being queer or effeminate. It is about being yourself.

What? is someone going to put you in the 'time-out' room?

Be yourself. Yes it has a risk of being beaten up. What is that worth?

People come behind us, don't you want it to be better for them?

If I can be out and take a hit, then I have done my job, as long as you pretty ones get to just BE.

That is "gratis" honey. I'm just doing what I have to do.

- MM

[LaurenS]

Tammy,

Even after about 40 years I struggle with the possibility and denial of being outed. I'm sure there are some friends and family that know or are suspicious, but I just close up when it is commented on. I guess I am worried about being betrayed.

As much as I would like to think the world is what you make of it, paradoxically I think outward denial is best for me.

Having said that, I am MUCH more accepting of myself, and no longer have the guilt and shame.

This took about 35 YEARS, even though I came out to wife shortly after marriage. Even then, it was a long time for me to feel comfortable with

Now, I'm happier than I have ever been, and will probably be doing outings and other things soon.

No advice here, other than to say it takes some of us a very long time to adjust, even with an SOs acceptance. Hell, I probably only understand 30% of it. In my twenties, I was absolutely terrified.

[mechamoose]

We are not as bad off as gay males were in the "70 s"

Please keep this in perspective. I'm out and I don't care. Why do you care what that cashier thinks?

Approval? Whose?


I'm tired of excuses. Live this life. It is gift, the only one we get

Live it like you mean it. Be *fierce*. Be something they talk about after you leave the table.

Don't wilt. We have the right to exist.

(Yes, I may have chip on my shoulder. You have something to say about that?)

[mykell]

hi tammy, do take advantage of the FAB section where you will find your peers,

admittedly i denied this side for a long time even if supposed friends and family members chimed in about it, ignored it and went about my days.
the guilt that i was deformed, weird and the shame i felt about it and associated with it was unbearable to comprehend, especially at twenty something...
always asking why and never having a concrete answer except "because i like it".

today i would relish the fact to have such a kind and understanding and accepting soul such as yourself to give my (crossdressing) self up to ! and i may have had that soul but was to scared to realize it may have happened.

but the truth is at that age i cant say with certainty that i would have trusted that soul.....you have quite a task ahead to overcome, we come in all shapes and sizes and if in his youth this may be a sexual turn on which would make it more complicated for you both im sure, so lots to consider.....as for the dating APP.....we do become a vain narcissistic like bunch, so maybe just wanting to share or find acceptance, this one is tough for you, but ive always been thankful for not having all this social media outlets in my youth,

you will find that we dont hedge our bets, if your SO turns out to be a butt-head we will let you know, in the future sharing in the LOVED ONE section may provide some better and sincere responses, its a member only section, personally i dont like to share too much of my personal stuff in the open forum and GGs like yourself dont respond to much in the MtF section.

for what is worth i would like to welcome you here, if only under more auspicious circumstances....

so it seems that you truly love this person and if you fight the good fight only to be hurt and rejected which has somewhat happened, think of this....
if you truly love something let it go, if it comes back its yours....if not it never was, corny i know but in my day it was used,
and this, if he pours out his heart and soul and things go well for some time and you break up, how will you use that information, this is what i think may be at the core of his trust issue, he is not looking at the "happily ever after", you have to somehow guide him there....

[NicoleScott]

You have given him ample opportunity to be honest with you, and his honesty is necessary for you to continue the relationship. At some point - maybe now - you will need to push the issue. You need to know which is more important to him - you, or whatever his private desires and activities are. His past reluctance is understandable, but he will need to know that there's no future with you if it continues. Have enough respect for yourself to refuse to be "the other woman" to his first love.

[Pat]

Tammy -- I think you have the dating site thing worked out correctly. I'm occasionally on the dating sites actually looking for dates and very few of the trans people on there are looking to meet. They're looking for a place to act out, to flirt, to pretend they're the person they desperately wish to be. When i set up a date and actually show up and actually look like my pictures the guys (if they show up) all have stories about how often TG/CD people are no-shows who suddenly stop answering email. I don't think you have to worry unless there's other evidence.

The only issue a dating site does put on the table is sexual orientation - is there a chance that he is, or thinks he is, bisexual? That's another highly secret, self loathing situation and mixed with being a crossdresser causes a lot of internal conflict that needs working out. (Personal experience talking.) Could you support him through that as well?

You seem like a wonderfully supportive person but even the best support can't bring him out unless he wants it. To him, depending on how his personal morality formed, he may not want to be the person he is. (Or we're assuming he is.) He may see that as a failure of morality that he can't face (Boston former Catholic speaking) so he first has to learn to accept himself before he can allow others to accept him. He should really come read some of the stories on this site.

[trishacd]

Everybody seems to handle crossdressing differently. When it comes to the 2 of you being together i am wondering why was he on the dating website ? Was he showing himself dressed.You should buy him a few things just to show him your sincere. He probably has the most accepting person with him already and is to embarrassed to let it play out. He doesn't know how lucky he is.Also you need to assure him this is between you and him only no matter what the outcome.
Good luck
Trisha