My boyfriend won't tell me the truth

[PaulaQ]

I think I've decided that I will need to give an ultimatum in some form. I know if I were to give this more time without approaching the situation, I would develop a DADT mentality and that Is NOT what I want. If that were to happen, something else will just end up popping up and I'll go through this all over again. It's already happened the past few months... i decided to ignore it and it only made it that much worse when i found something else.

I don't know exactly how to go about giving this ultimatum. I don't wanna come across as too harsh but I want him to take me seriously also. It's so hard because this past week, we've been getting along great but everything just hangs over my head like a big gray cloud. I'm thinking maybe I can print out some of this to give to him but idk. I just really love him and I don't want the ultimatum to cause us to split, but I want him to let me love him for who he truly is and I can't do that with all of these lies in our relationship.

I appreciate how hard this is for you.

I think you need to stress to him that his stories, when combined with the things you've discovered, are simply not credible, and that every day he does NOT tell you the truth, he undermines your relationship because you cannot trust him if he lies to you consistently. Tell him his defensiveness and obviously false stories only reinforce that he is hiding something from you, and that you need to know what it is, at least in a broad sense. He needs to be candid, open, and honest, even though you are fairly sure this may be difficult because of what he may ultimately reveal. Stress to him that trust is essential to any relationship, and right now, you don't trust him. Each day he doesn't explain himself to you, you lose more trust. Trust is something that isn't easily regained, and the truth is, even though you desperately want the relationship to go on, at some point, if you can't trust him, continuing it will simply become impossible.

Tell him you need answers to at least a few questions:
"1. Please explain your cross dressing to me. I have seen the pictures, there is no question that it's you. I have been studying this, and talking online to people who crossdress, and I'm willing to be open minded. What is your history? How often do you do this? Tell me about this part of you please - I want to understand because I love you!
2. Please explain your activity on the dating site. What were you doing? Have you just looked around? Flirted with people? Met with someone else there? I need the truth here, because without it, I can only assume the worst, and I desperately don't want to do that. There is nothing you can tell me, though, that we can't work through."

Were I in your situation, I believe those are the types of things I'd say. Best of luck.

[ReineD]

I think I've decided that I will need to give an ultimatum in some form. ...
I don't know exactly how to go about giving this ultimatum. I don't wanna come across as too harsh but I want him to take me seriously also.

I spoke to my SO about your situation. First let me say that my SO has been CDing since puberty (it was sexual at first) although he stepped away from it somewhat when he was in grad school and afterwards actively working towards finding a job and establishing tenure (lack of time and resources). Once he got tenure and had more time and money (in his early to mid 40s), my SO began slowly exploring this again and eventually felt free to fully explore it. This coincided with first meeting me. I was fully supportive from the onset (a second relationship for both of us), and although we did experience difficulties due to the priority my SO placed on the CDing (it got to the point where I felt it didn't matter to my SO whether I was in his life or not), everything has since fallen into place (it took several years) and there is good balance.

Anyway, my SO suggested that you do give your SO time to come to terms with this. The word "ultimatum" can be construed as being harshly controlling (i.e. "you do this, or else"), but you can think of it instead as clearly defining your own boundaries. You could tell your SO that you do need to be in a relationship with someone who values you enough to be truthful about what he does (even if he has no explanation for his motives), and that although you very much want to continue a relationship with your SO whether he crossdresses or not, you will step aside until he decides to let you into his world and be truthful.

Do the two of you live together, or do you need to find another place to live?

There is a big danger in doing this though. Over the years I've read some CDers say they would rather leave their relationships than face the CDing with their SOs (I suppose, depending on how sexual it was for them or the degree of shame they carried). But ultimately YOU need to decide what type of relationship YOU want to be in, if you're OK with being excluded from an important part of your bf's life or not. Would you want to continue being with your SO even if he insists on keeping the CDing and CDing activities private?

[Tammy494]

Paula,
That is wonderful advice and a great way to put it. The way you worded it was perfect. This is literally what I'm working out in my head, how I will word things. Thank you so much for that. Thankful for you and everybody else. Wish I knew how to make hearts on here

Reine, wow you have went above and beyond by talking to your SO about my situation. I'm very emotional today and it really made me tear up knowing that you talked to him to give me even more advice. I'm so happy to hear that your SO is so open with you and that you two are in a good place now. You two definitely deserve a happy relationship and he is with a wonderful woman.
Your SO has offered great advice also, I will definitely keep that in mind. I don't need him to explain why he does it yet, so in definitely just okay with honestly for now.
I am scared of him letting this relationship end due to his inability to share himself with me but unfortunately I will have to accept whatever happens.
The question of whether or not I will be with him if he still wants to keep it private is complicated. I am okay with it if he at least tells me the truth about it. I don't mind if he's not ready to dress in front of me or tell me when he dresses. But I can't stay with him with the lies.
We don't technically live together but he lives with his parents, and so do I as we are still very young and can't afford a place. However I'm at his house 5 days a week. His parents are away right now so I'm here 24/7 for this week. Thank you so much again, truly means a lot to me. You're another one who has been on this thread since day 1.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I think ReineD and PaulaQ's advise combined is definately the way that I would proceed. I understand that he is in a period of self discovery and immense internal turmoil, and that he is likely extremely embarrassed about this and is holding on to the last strands of secrecy as long as he can before the rope breaks. However, I very much agree with others who have cautioned about sacrificing yourself in order to accomadate and not rock the boat with him. Many of his behaviours seem not only immature, but also quite self centered and possibly controling. Its ok for him to feel uncomfortable sharing feelings and opening up with you especially about this, but its not ok for him to not even try or to let his discomfort be an excuse to shut you out and point blank lie and deny the truth to you. He is clearly not looking out for your feelings or stated needs in this relationship and if you look out for him and give him what he wants without him giving you what you need then that provides for a very unhealthy relationship at your expense. It seems like you are coming to terms with this and are being quite proactive by seeking information and experience from others. I also think you have been wise and have had a calculated approach by taking your time and preparing your moves, though I feel the time has come to pull the trigger and clearly define your boundaries once and for all. I admire the courage that it is taking you to do this and if the end result is that you need to move on then I would encourage you to hold your head high and move forward knowing that you are an amazing, incredible woman ready for the world and capable of experiencing real, healthy love. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to walk away from them and let them go.

Ps. I think his sports betting is sounding like its progressed into a form of gambling addiction, just something to pay attention to and keep in mind.

Good luck with this turning point, which ever way it goes.

[sometimes_miss]

I think that I may need to remind folks that Tammy's boyfriend is still at an age where he's most likely in the dark about a lot of things. Remember also, that like nearly all of us, he was probably brought up in an environment where for a man to be feminine in any way at all is the worst thing he can ever be, and if he's having any feelings that could in ANY way be construed as homosexual, this can all be instrumental in his need (not his desire) to repress all of this as far away from the rest of his 'real life' as possible. I went through this almost 40 years ago, feeling all the shame about who and what I was, or might be, and was absolutely terrified that anyone would find out, and so I strongly suspect that he's going through something similar. If he has read any discussion by other crossdressers about their experiences in coming out to anyone, and of course all the horrible results that have ensued, there is little doubt that he's going to have trouble dealing with this. Remember, lots of us had female partners who initially said that they supported and loved us, and yet over time that all dissolved into no longer wanting to stay with us, or even hate. So Tammy has to deal with all these fears he is most likely harboring all on his own. We are, for the most part when we're young, completely isolated, with absolutely no active support systems anywhere to help us deal with this. Sure, everyone is told that 'help is out there whenever you need it', but in reality, even most crisis help lines have either no experience at all in transgender psychological issues, or very limited help available. Gender counseling is still a VERY specialized field, and is still not even routinely available at most mental health clinics and hospitals. As much as general practicioners would like us to believe that their study of psychology will enable them to figure out how to help us, that was not my experience when I went through the mental health care system.

I don't think that having Tammy just jettison her boyfriend from her life just because he is currently not a completely willing, cooperative person is a good idea. She is most likely the only person who will accept him that he will EVER find. While in the short term, sure, he will survive physically, the loss of her will simply push him into a life where he will have virtually no chance at ever finding love again unless he has definite homosexual desires.

Tammy, I urge you to try to be patient; I know this is very hard. I also know that most women see any signs of dishonesty as a terrible betrayal of their trust, but most women aren't dealing with men going through what he is right now. If he's been a good person so far, and all of this seems to be resulting from his difficulty in dealing with his crossdressing, sexual urges related to it, or perhaps his self identifying as something other than what he believes in all his heart to be the only life that is acceptable (and that is very, very common in our society), you may be the only hope he ever has in life. I know it's hard; but please don't act hastily. Lots of couples go through even years of difficulty and come out ok. Life isn't always easy, sometimes it gets REALLY hard for long stretches, and you'll realize that out as you get older. I'd hate for you to prematurely ditch this relationship and then look back someday and regret it.

[heatherdress]

I don't understand why so many are urging Tammy to be more patient, to be understanding, to try and understand what her poor conflicted boyfriend might be going through. She has more than done that and admits to being hurt, sad and depressed. If this was simply a issue of him hiding a crossdressing issue, I would agree that he deserves continued empathy and support. But Tammy has demonstrated patience, empathy, concern, an offer to open a dialog and forgiveness. And he simply seems to be selfish, indifferent to her needs and maybe even abusive if he is taking advantage of her and knowingly hurting her.

This does not seem like someone who is trying to discover himself or someone who can offer a healthy, loving relationship which she deserves.

No one should stay in an unhealthy relationship, especially when they are so young and caring and loving as Tammy is.



.

[AngelaYVR]

Agreed Heather. Nobody likes to end a relationship but this guy just seems to be trying to wait out the storm. He seems to have had ample opportunity to discuss all aspects with a patient, loving woman and he hasn't. Time to force the issue.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't understand why so many are urging Tammy to be more patient, to be understanding, to try and understand what her poor conflicted boyfriend might be going through.

Because she's not the one at risk here. Any normal single female in her twenties has plenty of options as far as mates. This guy basically has one, and going to lose it because you're just a bunch of older guys who can't remember what it's like to be in his situation. People tend to forget the bad parts of their lives, and then of course with the benefit of hindsight, think to themselves, 'Gee, it would have been so simple, all I had to do was talk about the subject knowledgably and intelligently and we could work out our options'. He's not thinking like that and the chances that he knows even 1/10th of what anyone here does is slim to none. Because you're looking at this through the eyes of someone who's already been through all the years of confusion. If we were talking about a 30 year old who has been on this forum for 5 years I would think differently. But it's easy to forget that there are lots of crossdressers out there who have no idea of how to deal with this, other than to occasionally satisfy the urge to dress, then become so ashamed that they have to repress every thought about it until they can't resist and the behavior repeats. The world is not filled with psychology theory educated crossdressers as you might tend to believe.

Agreed Heather. Nobody likes to end a relationship but this guy just seems to be trying to wait out the storm.

That's probably all he knows how to do. When other normal couples have problems, very often each will need a 'cooling off' period. This is different, because it will not 'cool off'. At least, as far as he knows. The secret's out, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Most young people think of problems like this as something that the other person will just 'get used to'. This isn't the case this time around. Being a crossdresser is a permanent situation. He will feel that this is not something that he can just quit if things don't work out. I'm sure he's scared of what's going to happen, and so, avoids it as much as he can.
Remember, we're dealing with someone's life here. This is not to be taken lightly, as if he just took up a new sport that she doesn't like. This is end game for him. And just because we all feel bad for Tammy, is no reason to forget how serious this is. His entire life is about to go right down the drain. And a lot of you seem to want to see that happen. Why? Because you want another forever-single crossdresser to join our ranks here?

(Edit: This is not to accuse anyone in particular, but rather to address anyone who might be considering what is mentioned.)
Or are some of you predators who want to 'pounce' on Tammy, knowing that she's one in a million women who will accept a guy who crossdresses? Because i know for sure that it's going through some of your minds; men are predators by nature, and when alone, will usually do just about anything to steal a female mate from even a friend if she's the only one around, and in this case, she is probably the only one you'll find in years. So stop it already.
(Edit complete).

As far as unhealthy relationships, I could bet that most if not all of your ex girlfriends felt the same about you guys here. Fix relationships. Don't destroy them. No, it's not easy. Staying together is the hardest thing that any couple can do. More than half of all marriages, and virtually all non married couples split up. Let's not contribute to those failures.

He seems to have had ample opportunity to discuss all aspects with a patient, loving woman and he hasn't.

Again, you all think that this is an easy topic to just sit down and talk about. Rather, it's the hardest thing that he will try to do in his life so far. Sheesh, doesn't anyone remember the first time they had to talk to someone else in their life about crossdressing? Especially a girlfriend or wife?

Time to force the issue.

Yeah, that always works out well. Ask the divorced crossdressers in the world about that. You're going to be interviewing for a long, long time.

[PaulaQ]

Because she's not the one at risk here. Any normal single female in her twenties has plenty of options as far as mates. This guy basically has one, and going to lose it because you're just a bunch of older guys who can't remember what it's like to be in his situation.

She has plenty of risk here. We don't know what he's doing. He may very well be doing things that put her at significant risk. Also, the pattern of lying that seems to be going on borders on being abusive. Now there may be an obvious, and relatively innocent explanation here - he's a crossdresser, the dating site is really just for sharing photos, he's ashamed, and he is too dumb to see that he's better off talking to her and being honest. I hope that's the answer. But he could be having sex with many other people, and that puts her at risk of disease, and is a highly unethical thing to do. And the thing is, people who engage in one type of abusive behavior sometimes go on to worse forms of abuse over time.

Being afraid of being alone is understandable. Unfortunately, he's actually pushing himself in that direction because he's afraid to be honest.

As far as unhealthy relationships, I could bet that most if not all of your ex girlfriends felt the same about you guys here. Fix relationships. Don't destroy them.

She's doing her part. He's not meeting her half way. I'm not telling her to just dump him - but look - if he won't be honest after she's caught him red-handed, that in itself will, over time, undermine their relationship. One person can't fix the relationship - and so far, she's the only one trying. If he can't or won't try, there's nothing she can do about it, and at a certain point, she faces the dilemma of "stay with a man I don't trust", or "leave."

Or are some of you predators who want to 'pounce' on Tammy, knowing that she's one in a million women who will accept a guy who crossdresses? Because i know for sure that it's going through some of your minds; men are predators by nature, and when alone, will usually do just about anything to steal a female mate from even a friend if she's the only one around, and in this case, she is probably the only one you'll find in years.

I'm giving her similar advice, and since I'm dating two other women right now, as well as a guy, I can tell you that my dance card is rather full, and that I have no interest in Tammy, lol! (And since I doubt she's into women, I don't think she'd be attracted to me, either!) I doubt that's the motivation of most people here. Yeah, some are being kind of harsh, but the lying he seems to be doing has got to stop. She caught him. He needs to be honest about it all. (BTW, if I had to guess at a motive for some, it would be more "throw him under the bus, because he makes us all look bad!" This isn't my motivation either - I already look exactly as bad as it is possible for me to look.)

[heatherdress]

Sometimes miss - I am not going to try and respond to the many offensive remarks you made about us - members of this forum trying to help Tammy, a new member who has asked for help.
Your initial point that Tammy is not someone at risk is absolutely incorrect. Anyone who is in an abusive relationship is certainly in trouble and needs help. It is even more problematic if she is aware of the abuse and still tolerates it. No one can fix a bad relationship by themselves and some relationships are not fixable. That may be hard to understand but it is painfully true.

[Mayo]

sometimes_miss: I've had a previous history of lying compulsively about things until I was finally confronted, so I have some knowledge of where he's coming from. Often we do such things in order to avoid confronting them ourselves, but eventually we need to come to terms with it, no matter how bad it may seem, or it will never stop. If her boyfriend can't break through that wall then he's going to continue lying and hiding, and who knows about what else? (Parenthetically, I think his sports obsession may be a way of displacing his stress over the issues he's trying to avoid dealing with.) PaulaQ's comments are appropriate and proper.

The guy is in his 20s and will not become a mature adult if he doesn't address this. He needs to deal with his issues, and sooner is better than later. Right now, with her, is probably the best chance he has, even though he no doubt fears the confrontation and the questions it will bring up in his own mind (and hers, if he is bisexual or gay) and even the possible end of the relationship. She needs to make it clear that she is willing to try to work through it, but she also needs to set a timetable and encourage (not nag) him to act on it. Let him know that she knows. Let him know that she does not think less of him for it and it's something she is prepared to accept. Insist that he engage in individual counselling (for his CDing and sports obsession) and probably couples counselling (for the hiding, lying and denial) as well. If he wants to join a CD site or put pictures on the internet, fine, but no sex with other people. Boundaries need to be clearly set, though there's always the possibility of negotiation and trying different arrangements for a period of time to see if other alternatives are possible. But this needs to be brought out in the open between them, acknowledged and addressed on a fairly short time scale (6 months or less). If he refuses to cooperate, she should leave. He can stay in the closet and deny it and lose her because of his shame and fear (and she already knows anyway!), or he can come out to her and possibly save the relationship. In no conceivable universe should she feel obligated to stay with him forever because of his inability to address his own problems. Simple as that.

[AngelaYVR]

Again, you all think that this is an easy topic to just sit down and talk about. Rather, it's the hardest thing that he will try to do in his life so far. Sheesh, doesn't anyone remember the first time they had to talk to someone else in their life about crossdressing? Especially a girlfriend or wife?

Sometimes_miss, that chip on your shoulder is interfering with the good advice that the OP has so far been receiving. Do you really, really want to go on record that you blindly make idiotic assumptions about the people on this forum? Because that is what you have done. Again.

[Judith96a]

Wow! I think some folks (I'm naming no names) on both sides of the 'argument' need to take a deep breath and remember why we're here!

I'm not going to speculate as to whether others have, or have not, forgotten what it was like to be confused, ashamed, whatever and utterly convinced, perhaps irrationally so, that to breathe a word of their crossdressing would spell instant death to any relationship. Perhaps that wasn't your experience. Perhaps you've always been as confident of your identity as you are now (given the number of posts that I see from people saying how much this forum has helped them, I doubt that). Or perhaps part of your 'sorting yourself out' has involved putting those dark days behind you. Is it possible that you may have done so rather too effectively? I remember all too vividly just what it was like.

Regarding abusive relationships - regardless of who may appear to be the 'abuser' or the 'abused', the person with the real power is the one who is the one who is able to walk away!

As for staying, some things are worth fighting for; some people are worth the pain and the heartache. Only Tammy can decide whether her BF is worth it to her.

As to whether she should 'confront' or 'enable', I can't see us reaching a consensus on that. I dare say that she's heard the arguments on both sides and will make up her own mind.

Tammy, good luck! I suspect that, regardless of how you decide to proceed, it's going to be hard - at least initially. Be assured that, even though we may not be able to agree amongst ourselves how to advise you, we wish you well.

[AngelaYVR]

I'm not going to speculate as to whether others have, or have not, forgotten what it was like to be confused, ashamed, whatever....

I doubt anyone here has, Judith; those sorts of things tend to stay etched into one's memory. The CD part of the boyfriend's behaviour is pretty touchy but unfortunately it's the dating app business that elevates it beyond those confines. Misguided titillation or deliberate act to mess around? Nobody knows because the only person who does ain't sharing. I'm quite shocked at the free passes that are being handed out simply because this guy is one of the tribe. If there is any possibility that this guy has slept around (with the concomitant risk of STDs) then the OP needs to know now.

[Dana44]

MY ex wife was a cheater in our open relationship. During the divorce she told everybody that I was a cross dresser. Including my sister. If Tammy thinks that he has cheated on her, I'm sure she would know how to handle that. It for sure is a relationship killer. I think a lot of opinions on this thread has our interest to help her from our hearts and were providing revealing thoughts to help her come to a sane solution. This thread is now a chaotic mess.

[ReineD]

Tammy, I'm really sorry there is so much arguing here. I hope you're not getting too confused.

The bottom line is that YOU need to consider what YOU need in your relationship and what YOU can live with or not live with. If hanging on to your bf is more important to you than anything else, then you'll find a way to cope with what is going on right now and life will carry on as before. If you decide that the stress of being in a relationship with a bf who lies and keeps you out is more than you can bear, then you'll talk to your bf and let him know that you require honesty, and be prepared to live with the consequences, after having given time for your bf to absorb what you are telling him, of course. But, you cannot control the outcome and how your bf will react to having you stand up for yourself. He may change, or he may not be ready to change and may choose to opt out of the relationship ... it depends on how much he values you.

This is not about the crossdressing, it is about basic relationship honesty, intimacy, and commitment.

So it really boils down to asking yourself what are YOUR priorities. What do YOU need. And then your bf can decide what his priorities are and what he needs. If the two of you can get on the same page, then all is good. If you cannot, then you will a find a partner who is more compatible. At 21, you have many years ahead of you and thank your stars that this is not happening after 10 years of marriage with a couple of kids in tow.

---------------------------------------------

Two books (these are google-previews) I recommend reading. They helped me when I needed to decide what I needed from my relationship, which like yours, was unhappy for awhile.

Women Who Love Too Much

He's Just Not That Into You

[Mayo]

This is [...] about basic relationship honesty, intimacy, and commitment.

So it really boils down to asking yourself what are YOUR priorities. What do YOU need. And then your bf can decide what his priorities are and what he needs. If the two of you can get on the same page, then all is good. If you cannot, then you will a find a partner who is more compatible.

^ The essence of relationships.

[anton jon]

Tammy please take your time hon because if my wife gave me an ultimatum I would walk out the door that second and that works both ways, we are both so crazy in love but stupidly stuborn in so many ways. On our first date we sat and lay down some rules as we had both been hurt in the past. No one was we are equil in every part of our relationship and make all decisions together and no to stricktly no ultimatums ever and we just don't do it. With that said I think you need to do it but try not use the word or even try not make it look or feel too harsh. Love and respect is important.

I am not going to post again because I feel the love from my new extended family here but I am getting so confused with so much great advice that conflicts. I am finding that I am also fealing your pain too much and my wife and I are talking at least an hour per day about what you coyld do or what we would do.

Please keep one thing in mind, so many have been in your place and walked away from what might have been the one person that holds the key to your future happyness but also respect is not there without honesty.

Please keep us all in your life no matter what you feel is best for you both and we are all here with open arms and open hearts just waiting to support you BOTH no matter what the result.

Much much love to you both

Anton jon and SO

Sorry but I forgot, the sport addiction getting a lots worse said one thing to my wife and I. He is clearly trying to convince himself that he is not a woman or gay In any way. I done this my whole life. I hate voilence with every bit of who I am but joined a boxing club, 3 karate clubs , a kick boxing club and all at the same time. I hated them and didn't understand why I never left. The real me left my ballet classes , my ballroom dancing classes, I also stopped being an alter boy and singing in the choir, I stopped cutting my friends any familys hair and stopped helping my gg friends with their makeup and stopped acting classes. I stopped all the things that gave me nothing but pleasure one week and joined them clubs I hated the next week and didn't think about it but only the other day it hit me why I did and it is my diggest regret as far as I know. I am so angry now that I tricked myself into doing this but now I embrace me I am going to sign up for as many of them classes I love so much asap or as much as we can afford as my wife would like to do some of them with me. I was trying to be a man but didn't know or even let myself thing a man could be sweet, kind, caring, loving, gentle, emotional or have a fem side. I didn't stay in them clubs I hated for much more than two years before the real me pushed it way back to the from but I didn't rejoin any of my loved clubs or classes. But my fem side won that war without me ever and I mean ever thing one single thing about it. It just happened.

[Katey888]

Please everyone...

Try to remember that the aim is to offer advice and opinion without getting too personal or offensive...

Nobody is going to make their opinion any more acceptable or right just by shouting louder about it - you all have a right to express it and, if necessary, clarify it - just remember that we have a newish poster here (Tammy) who is obviously in a less than ideal situation but seems both capable and intelligent enough to know what is useful and appropriate advice and what isn't.

So please try to address your responses to her situation and updates before squabbling amongst yourselves... or else...


Thank You!

Katey
Moderator

[jenni_xx]

Do not shw him this thread. Nothing good will come of that

Why on earth not! Tammy wants her bf to be transparent (she wants him to own up to dressing and posting profiles on dating sites) and it is only fair that she should provide transparency in return.

Because EVERY single person on this thread has only received one side of the story and are responding to Tammy based solely on what she has said. Her Boyfriend has no voice in this thread, has had no chance to put his side of things across, and should he read anything from any member here that he doesn't like, it isn't that member he is going to express his annoyance/frustration towards, it is going to be Tammy. She will only end up bearing the brunt of what others have said.

This very thing happened to me with an ex-girlfriend. After our relationship ended, I stumbled across a thread on another (non-trangender) site that she had contributed to. What she wrote only painted her side of the situation, and, in the absence of my side of things, the replies that she received took her side to be the truth and ran with it. I was painted in such a way by her, that I was slated by other contributors to the thread. I genuinely think that she did believe what she was saying on that thread was the truth, was a truthful reflection of our relationship, but the fact is that it wasn't. She had made assumptions herself that were completely not the case, and her posts insinuated that it was my cd'ing that had ended the relationship, when that was not the case at all. Nonetheless, she received replies from others, including another CD, that I deserved to be "dumped", that it was all my problem, that what was perceived to be my "fetish" was reflective of everything that is bad about crossdressers. I was painted as being unsympathetic to her needs, as someone who is selfish, and my ex-girlfriend was made out to be a person who is so much better than me. All based on hearing only one side of the story.

I felt like responding to that thread myself in order to put across my side of things, but refrained, only because I stumbled across it several years after it had been written, so I simply left it be.

My point is that I completely understand Tammy's concerns, and I have offered my opinion on what she has said, but what is being said is only being said based on one side of the story. What myself and others have submitted to this thread may not be well received by Tammy's boyfriend, which will only result in conflict between them, and may even result in him becoming more withdrawn towards her. My opinion is that it would be better if Tammy took on board everything that everyone is saying, and use any advice which best resonates with her situation in the hope that it can be beneficial to her actual goal - getting her boyfriend to open up and talk to her and address HER concerns directly with HIM.

Reaching out and seeking help is a very good thing, and you're right, there is nothing wrong with Tammy's attempt to try to understand. I applaud Tammy for that, and so coming here and creating this thread is a good thing for her to do. What needs to come from this thread is help that Tammy can use that is relevant to her situation. Her boyfriend can then react to HER in light of that, as opposed to react to US (which he is bound to do). Her boyfriend doesn't need to see what any of us here have written, because I have no doubt that should he come across anything that he perceives to be even the slightest bit negative towards himself, he'll focus on that and lose site of the actual reason why Tammy came here to ask for help in the first place.

[Jenniferathome]

...Again, you all think that this is an easy topic to just sit down and talk about. Rather, it's the hardest thing that he will try to do in his life so far. Sheesh, doesn't anyone remember the first time they had to talk to someone else in their life about crossdressing? Especially a girlfriend or wife? ...

Yes, I remember that day perfectly. Other than the birth of my children and meeting my wife, it was the best day I have had. It would have been EASIER had my wife asked me about it, rather than me overcoming my own fear and shame, but it was a remarkably easy conversation once I started. Once done, I have felt more free then I can recall in my lifetime. Hiding, was far and away harder, than talking.

And by the way, you make a rather absurd reference to the "divorced cross dressers." Your objectivity left the room a long time ago but it is undeniable based on commentary by the women on this site, that cross dressing is NOT what breaks up marriages. The un-objective cross dresser, yourself included, can blame cross dressing on a relationship failure but the honest cross dressers here have reported, consistently, that there were other issues causing the breakup.

Tammy, I wish you the best. Confront your boyfriend and get it out. Lying, as he his doing, will destroy your relationship anyway so you have nothing to lose.

[ReineD]

Katie, thanks for the note. My message was not meant to be disparaging, I really did want to ascertain what Anton Jon meant, so I’ll try it again, hopefully in a way that will be read as objective by everyone. It’s important for Tammy’s sake that people have an understanding of the difference between "I need you to be honest", and "Stop dressing or else".

Tammy please take your time hon because if my wife gave me an ultimatum I would walk out the door

If you had been lying and hiding from your wife like Tammy’s situation and your wife told you that she needed you to be honest for the sake of your marriage, would you really walk out the door? Or, I may be misunderstanding your comment ... are you talking about the "Stop dressing or else" type of ultimatum, which is not what Tammy is saying.

I do agree with the other thing you said. It is true that couples who disagree, tend to only be able to see their own side. This is why people break up and divorce and this is why people need to learn effective communication techniques. Hopefully, Tammy's boyfriend will learn to communicate with Tammy. But even then, emotions run so high when individuals in relationships feel their needs aren't being met by their partners, that despite attempts at communication, sometimes it does take stepping away from the relationship in order to have time to see things more objectively.

... although a desire to keep the CDing private in order to facilitate going on dating sites unfettered, in my opinion has nothing to do with Tammy's boyfriend not getting what he needs from Tammy in his relationship. On the other hand, Tammy DOES need honestly from her bf, in fact honesty always benefits BOTH partners in relationships. It benefits the partner who is being lied to in that she stops feeling she "must be crazy" and begins to feel valued again, and it benefits the partner who is lying in that he can start being honest with himself plus he can begin to feel loved despite the fact that he enjoys wearing women's clothes.

[Rhonda Jean]

Since I responded earlier, I think I need to say that I disagree with both sometimes-miss and jenniferathome.

Sometimes-miss... Wow. Our advice is negative toward the husband so we can "pounce on Tammy"? That comment surprises me. He's pretty hard to defend. Being a crossdresser doesn't excuse any of his behavior. (BTW, I'm not speaking from my high horse here. I've done plenty that'd be hard to defend). And, jenniferathome... I think we all tend to think everybody's situation mirrors our own. You can bet that crossdressing DOES cause divorce and, yes, I know my opinion is pretty polluted. Even if it was every GG on this board who said it wasn't, you're leaving out a whole lot of women who are so disgusted by it that they wouldn't ever participate in this forum. I used to be one of the lucky ones, too.

As usual, when it comes to relationships, Reine is the voice of truth and wisdom. Tammy would do well to pay attention to her.

[Tammy494]

Hello everybody again! I'm sorry I haven't replied, but please know that I've been reading everything every single day. I've just been working a lot the past few days, I work 12 hour days sometimes and I can't muster up the energy to reply after that. But I'll be back tonight after work, I have a lot to say and again I appreciate all of you so so much. It truly warms my heart to see how much so many of you care for me and my situation. I'll be back later!!

[GeorgeA]

Rhonda Jean beat me to it as I was preparing a similar message:

As usual, when it comes to relationships, Reine is the voice of truth and wisdom. Tammy would do well to pay attention to her.

I have been an admirer of Reine's posts for a number of years. She most definitely is the voice of truth and wisdom.