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Thread: My boyfriend won't tell me the truth

  1. #76
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    I read absolutely every word on here but I am with him right now and it doesn't provide me the time I need to fully respond to everybody right now. I will be back tomorrow, as I will have the entire day alone to myself. To everybody that has responded, you are all beautiful people inside and out and I will address all of your wonderful insight and advice tomorrow, I promise. 💜

  2. #77
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    The dating site could be harmless, just him looking for others with the same interest. Not sure id you mentioned what that was? I have a girl pal-Whom was in the same boat but his preference when he finally got to talking 24 months later 2 years, she found out his male preference was stronger than his female attraction/sexually. Don't go in biased and blind see what signs there are there maybe some warning signs for you. I could say he is damned blessed to have you as many wonderful folks would love I mean LOVE to have a woman of you persona with them. I think he maybe in need of what you cant give him. You may try only to find years and tears of your life slipped through our tiny hour glass called life. You have a RIGHT to be happy too. I'm not giving any advice except please keep your woman's intuition & please look for signs good and bad--Clothes doesn't make the man-Your right--But truthfulness & communication make a relationship-I believe that with ALL my HEART--Blessings.

  3. #78
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Although I am coming very late to this thread, I can see a few things that have not been addressed and are quite pertinent.
    I see words like confront, accuse, lie, and others indicating quite a bit of anger in your original post. Although the situation is obviously upsetting to you, a confrontational approach is about the worst way I can think of to proceed. Back off for a while, demand nothing and avoid the subject until things calm down to the point that you may be able to start having a conversation without being defensive on either of your parts. A gentle question will elicit a much more helpful response than accusations and demands.
    The one thing that you must keep in mind is that whatever your concerns or confusions may be, his are far more intense. He is having a much harder time accepting himself than you are accepting him and he is also having a difficult time figuring out what is going on with himself.
    Be gentle.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

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  4. #79
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    Ok. I've read through the whole thread and have observed a few things. And like donnalee, there are things that aren't being addressed. and like donnalee, I agree that confontation at this point is not appropriate, because there is a whole lot going on. First, Tammy, you're in way over your head, coming to an online forum and getting every sort of advice under the sun. There are very few professionals here, and a whole lot of us who can only offer our own experience, which by the way, are not likely to be exactly like your boyfriend's situation, so perhaps none of what you read here can be applicable. Or, perhaps something can, but there's no way to know which is and which is not. Pursuing any of our advice could be a disaster.
    What you, and he, need to do, is sit down together with a gender specialist counselor and start discussion THERE. It may take a while to get it sorted out. But what you're doing right now, isn't likely to work out well in the long run.
    Next, and this is a big one, you've been together for 4 years. There's his reason for the dating app, an escape fantasy. You're past the magic 30 month point where the excitement of a new relationship generates that euphoric feeling . People start to want that feeling again, and it isn't found in 'old relationships'. Sometimes it's revivable in fantasies, enough to keep our desire to stray, in check. Maybe that's what he's doing. men in their 20's have such a strong sexual drive that it's on their mind constantly.

    Quote Originally Posted by mechamoose View Post
    Honesty trumps everything.
    Usually. But no one is ever completely honest. Everyone lies about something, or conveniently 'leaves somethings out' because they don't think it matters. At other times, they leave things out because they wish it didn't matter. And that's rarely admitted, because people like to believe that they are honest. No one tells their mate everything, because it's simply not possible to recount every moment of your life. You tell what you believe needs to be told. The problem lies in that we cannot know what we must tell.


    maybe some of you can fill me in on whether or not you were intimate and very into a female before you realized you liked men too?
    Sometimes it's not that we're actually into men. We're into behaving like we believe women do, in order to feel like one, for whatever reason, and it doesn't have to be transsexually derived desires (my own history is one example of that). Doesn't matter who we are with when we do that. And a man doesn't need to be attracted to men in order to want to be the receptive participant in sex; but there are so few women who can easily take on the active role and 'run the show' sexually that for most of us, that's only a fantasy which will never be reality. and sometimes it's manifested by desires to behave as the female in sex. But some men feel that, and don't know why, so they think they might be gay or bi, but aren't. It's not a simple either/or answer. And the only way to figure it out, is by each individual figuring out exactly where the desire to behave in a particular way, comes from. Until you figure that out, the rest will remain confusing.
    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    if you are not OK with your bf sourcing sexual gratification outside of your relationship then you need to let him know.
    This is a common belief that I hear from women, that all sexual thoughts MUST be of your mate, or it's tantamount to cheating. Not going to happen. And to believe that it can is simply burrying your head in the sand. Men think about sex all day long. Every time we see a hot women, our minds go to sex. Whether it's considered acceptable or not. If married women think that their husbands never masturbate and think about other women, you're deluding yourselves. And don't bother asking your husbands about this, because no husband in his right mind will ever admit it, because we know you'll feel 'cheated' the we even think about another women.
    Quote Originally Posted by aBoyNamedSue View Post
    What's the difference between a CDer and a transwoman? The answer: two years.'
    The biggest problem with this is, people tend to believe it. However what isn't explained, is that as most crossdressers start doing it as kids, when is that two year period over? And if it's true, why aren't all crossdressers TS by the time we're in high school? Simple. It doesn't happen, and the theory is not true.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  5. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    What you, and he, need to do, is sit down together with a gender specialist counselor and start discussion THERE.
    I agree completely with your post sometimes_miss, with the exception of this part.

    This is not going to happen. For it to happen would require Tammy's boyfriend to tell Tammy the "truth" (I put that in inverted commas because we are all presuming what the truth actually is).

    Tammy, you know your boyfriend better than anyone here ever will. The best feedback you can receive from anyone here relates to tapping into our own experiences and then drawing your conclusions from such experiences and seeing which ones may strike a chord with the situation that you're currently going through.

    Also, please please please do not fall for the trap of linking crossdressing to sexuality. It could be the case that your boyfriend is gay, or bi, just as it could be the case that anyone else's boyfriend is gay or bi, irrespective of whether they cross dress or not. There are gay cd'ers on this site - I'm gay myself - but the vast majority are heterosexual, and any thoughts or fantasies that may be expressed are not born out of wanting to be with a man, but to rather seek validation in presenting as a woman. In such cases, these are by far just a fantasy, no more no less, and the individual in question will have no desires on actually acting on such a scenario.

    This could be what your boyfriend was seeking by going onto dating sites. I highly doubt that your boyfriend is gay or bi, or that he ever had any intention of taking it further than just receiving some attention.

    If it is the case that your boyfriend is a cd, and he is refusing to open up to you about it, I completely emphasise with your situation. But you can not force the issue, so please don't. If your boyfriend isn't ready to open up about it, then all any probing into the matter will achieve is to push him deeper into the proverbial cd closet.

    It is a tough situation and I genuinely wish you all the very best. xx

  6. #81
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    I am back today, with the whole day to myself. I'm going to probably write a very long response to everybody. But first I need to talk about what happened this morning. So I've been on this forum on my phone regardless of whether or not I've been in the same room with John. I've just made sure that he couldn't see. However I went to show him something on my phone yesterday and I clicked safari by accident which brought up my thread. I quickly got out of it and he didn't say anything but then this morning when I woke up and went to go on here I saw that my history was up.... I'm almost positive that he has snooped and found out that I've been on here. however he said absolutely nothing about it when we woke up. He's been fine, in a good mood... Made me pancakes, hasn't been weird at all. Part of me is a little excited that he caught me on here because maybe it will bring him here without me pushing. The other part of me thinks he may just ignore it... I really hope that's not what happens. I have mixed emotions right now. I don't believe I have done anything wrong, none of you know us and couldn't possibly find out who we are.. Thoughts on this?

    Okay now I've received so so many replies. And for the record I appreciate everything, even the people who give me their true opinions even if it may hurt. It's been so hard having nobody to talk to for so long and all of this is so overwhelming but in the best way possible.
    Dana, I would truly love to try what you have suggested, however it tends to be hard for me to be intimate like that with him. He's stuck on his phone almost all day doing sports bets and checking scores and doing everything and anything you can imagine with sports on his phone. It's truly an obsession and it's hard to pull him away from that. But maybe I can get him to agree to one night without it and I will break open a bottle of wine and show him I love him.

    "But really we can accomplish better things with honey than we can with vinegar" I love this by the way and I will keep that in mind.

    Now Reine, you have taken a lot of time to individually address each and every option that I mentioned and I really appreciate that. You've helped me to truly think into each option and if it's really even an option at all. After a lot of input I think you're right that holding off is not realistic. I am only holding off at this moment because I'm not sure what to do.
    I guess I feel like I'm pushing because I now understand how hard it must be to admit but at the same time, you're right I'm only asking for him to stop lying. I'm just a very empathetic person and I really feel for him and what he must be going through and everybody here says that he is not ready and that "pushing" won't help.
    As for showing him this site.. Well I think he has found out by snooping. So that happened on its own.
    I said "lightly" suggest counseling because I don't want him to think that I think there is something wrong with him. He is a very defensive person and I'm afraid that he would take offense when being asking to see a counselor. But also what you said is true also, I am afraid of being over bearing. But you're right, I have needs too.
    The reason I thought about showing him this site and then taking space from him was to kinda give him time to take it all in and feel better about it maybe and then maybe after a little time he would be able to talk to me.
    And lastly no I definitely don't think he's ready to dress in from of me or have fun with this. I hope to get to that point but I don't think he is comfortable enough for that yet.
    None of this was harsh at all, you brought reality to each scenario so thank you for that.


    To everybody else, thank you so so much for answering my question about how far cross dressing goes for you. I know everybody is different and that your individual situations may not apply to John. However it helped me in the way that I now know that there is a huge umbrella over crossdressing. And that there is a very wide spectrum regarding how far it goes. I now realize the need is different for everybody and that NOT ALL cross dressers wish to transition. This was something I needed to realize.

    I also definitely hear what others of you are saying in regards to whether or not I should be with somebody who I can't trust, who lies and that I can't spend my 20s trying to fix him. Believe me, I agree with you 100%.
    But I've just never been one to give up. I don't want to FIX him because I don't believe he is broken. I think he is just fighting a war inside himself. What I truly want is for him to STOP lying and to at least let me be there for him to support him even if he doesn't know exactly how to explain everything to me just yet. I know this may never happen, and I want you all to know that I am most definitely working on looking out for myself more. It's something I have a habit of not doing. If this does not improve in a few months in any way shape or form, I will have to leave. I already know that. This is sorta like a fresh wound, it only happened in July and some of you say you took YEARS to be honest with your SOs.
    I'm trying my best to get a handle on this and I really hope now that he caught me on here which I'm almost positive he has, that maybe he'll start reading everything. Otherwise I will be taking baby steps with approaching this little by little. I think him seeing this site is maybe the safest approach right now but I could be wrong.

    Also I'd like to add that using this on my iPhone is a big pain in the butt!! Somebody mentioned that they can't message me and I seem to have very limited access to things on my phone here. My laptop is at home, I haven't had it so I may go get it today. I hope this is easier on a computer

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Salerba View Post
    Hello Tammy,

    I am delighted to have met you through this forum. You seem to be a delightful person and express your concern so well. You have received lots of advice from so many people, most of it very good and it should help you do decide the course of action.

    In her previous post Rhonda Jean presented a scenario that might be somewhat frightening. Keep in mind that not all crossdressers are like that. I`m not sure (perhaps you are not too) to what extent does your bf crossdresses. There are countless varieties, perhaps as many as there are CDs.

    I, for one, am what is considered ``man in skirts``. I do not attempt to look like a woman, do not use makeup, jewellery, or women`s shoes. I have a moustache & goatee. I wear lingerie, nylons & skirts. I consider myself a man, perhaps not overly mucho, bot not effeminate either. I feel more comfortable in such attire than in masculine garb.

    Perhaps your BF falls into a similar pattern and does not want to be a woman.

    You are a fantastic woman and I wish I had known someone like you when I was your age.

    Good luck,
    Salerba, thank you SO much for this reply. I'm only now realizing I can quote people on my phone. I really REALLY believe that this may be the kind of CD that he is. I haven't found any wigs and there have been no signs of any of my makeup being touched. Again, I could totally be wrong. But you're just yet another wonderful soul showing me that not everybody who CDs takes it as far as some others do. Though I do NOT jjudge those who do. And thank you so much, I'm glad you and many others on here view me as a fantastic woman. You are fantastic also, and everybody else on here too.


    Also something I forgot to say in my last post, I do not in any way expect him to only have sexual energy for only me. I obviously don't want him acting on sexual energy with other people, however fantasy does not bother me.
    I myself have plenty of sexual energy also. It's not always directed in my relationship either. I have plenty of fantasies and kinks. If this is mostly a sexual thing for him then I think we could have fun with it maybe. Anyway all I'm saying is that yes I totally am aware that men are very sexual beings and think about sex a lot. So do women! Or me at least.

    My eyes, heart and mind are open about everything that's going on right now. I now know every possibility, now it all just needs to be taken step by step,

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Oh one last thing, I know everybody has a different opinion and worry about the dating app. I understand what it could and could not mean from everything all of you have said. If me and him are able to get to the point where we can talk about things, I hope he is able to explain it to me. However I really REALLY don't think he was going out to meet people. I really think it has to do with attention and rebelling, validation and acceptance. If his face were in the pictures I may have been more worried but I just really think he wanted some attention from strangers to make himself feel good and to have to fantasy of being seen as sexy by other people. I'll say again, I could be wrong! But I've tried to follow my gut with all of this and I mean my gut has led me to find out everything. So if my gut isn't telling me the dating site is a danger then for now I won't view it as one for sure. I will still keep it in mind, that it could be a huge issue. I promise.

  7. #82
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Tammy,

    I have one suggestion, and that is to not be so passive in communicating with him. You're hoping he'll open up by simply discovering this site on your phone. You don't really know if he even saw it.

    You need less uncertainty in communication with him, not more.

    You are entitled to have feelings, and you are entitled to know WTF is going on in your relationship. He might not be ready to share the depths of his soul with you, and that's understandable. But you at the very least deserve to know "message received? Yes or No" ... y'know?

    This is a public thread. You don't need an account here to read it.

    Since you are both clearly tech-literate, I suggest you copy the link for page 1 of this thread, and txt it to him with a kind note ... maybe some thing like "you should know I love you, and you should know you're not alone, read this when you have time and let's talk" ... done and done.

    No more guessing if he got the message or not.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  8. #83
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    Do not show him this thread. Nothing good will come of that. Instead, take on board what people have said and use the advice that you feel is best suited to your situation, that is best able to help you move forward in your relationship.

  9. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenni_xx View Post
    Do not show him this thread. Nothing good will come of that.
    Why on earth not! Tammy wants her bf to be transparent (she wants him to own up to dressing and posting profiles on dating sites) and it is only fair that she should provide transparency in return.

    The entire business of keeping secrets and not being above board I'm afraid is embedded in way too many CDers and when you think of it, these behaviors are dysfunctional.

    Emotionally healthy people accept themselves and others for who they are. They recognize that we all have issues and struggles to overcome, and even though it may be embarrassing, for the sake of emotional honesty in a relationship it is best to discuss things and this applies to Tammy as well. It is perfectly understandable that she was so distraught over her bf's behaviors, that she reached out and sought help since her bf was not willing to discuss things with her. There's nothing wrong with Tammy's attempt to try to understand. What she did was a great deal better than not discuss this with anyone and let it fester to the point of souring from her relationship and walking away, or even worse, becoming so angry as to tell all her bf's family and acquaintances what she knows in retribution.
    Last edited by ReineD; 11-02-2015 at 03:11 PM.
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  10. #85
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    hi tammy,
    you are a gem, so many would have kicked him to the curb by now, gambling, obsessed with sports, always preoccupied and crossdressing, posting photos on dating site while dressed !!!! hes a lucky person !!!

    amys idea actually seems very good to me, its out in the open about the photos and the clothes.... i think he will read so much on here that it will strike the right nerve, it did for me, reading so many posts from others that could have been written by me totally blows your mind, i joined two days later...

    the thing i like the most is that it will be immediate, it will either help or it wont....your decision will be that much easier, if he cant see that you are the gem you need to get credit for by all the steps you have taken then dare i say he may not deserve you....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  11. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Emotionally healthy people accept themselves and others for who they are. .
    Yes, but it sounds like her BF isn't on stable ground with himself yet. It appears he's still in discovery mode. Her telling the world about his behavior may very well seem like sharing secrets that he doesn't want known. It comes down to a matter of privacy; when I was growing up, girls were very distraught if a boy talked about how far he went with a girl, but those very same girls would discuss everything about the boys with their girlfriends. When I would ask how they could betray their boyfriends like that, they would always say 'OH, but this is different, these are my friends'. Women often seem to have a double standard about what they can talk about with their friends, and what their male mates are 'allowed' to talk to their friends about.
    If my ex wife had gone behind my back and told everyone about my crossdressing and related behaviors, I know that I would have been VERY upset. This is apparently not something he wants generally known. Which is why I suggested a professional who is by law required to keep whatever they say, confidential.
    And frankly, any women who would out her ex to everyone because she was angry about something, ought to be tarred and feathered. My ex blackmailed me like that during my divorce, threatening to expose my crossdressing to my entire family, friends, and co-workers. That's juvenile behavior at it's worst.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  12. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post

    The entire business of keeping secrets and not being above board I'm afraid is embedded in way too many CDers and when you think of it, these behaviors are dysfunctional.
    Thank you Reine! I totally agree.

    Tammy - if there is one piece of advise I can offer you - the absolute best thing for your relationship is for the two of you to figure out how to be able to talk to each other about anything at anytime. And while it sounds as if you are trying, he sounds as though he is quite fearful. It will take effort on HIS part to get over his own internal fears.

    Good luck!

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    Tammy,

    A few points.

    1. Your boyfriend appears to be dealing with two issues, gender identity and sexuality. Dealing with both at the same time is really confusing.

    2. Your boyfriend can be bisexual even if he never has sex with another guy. That does not mean he will cheat on you. There are these weird ideas about bisexuality that tend to erase it's existence. That is one of them. Many bisexuals are happily monogamous in opposite sex relationships.

    3. His dating app activity, coupled with the obvious lying, unfortunately, doesn't suggest he's being faithful to you. It's a bad sign, anyway.

    Have you considered giving him an ultimatum - "Tell me the truth, or leave?" You've caught him - to continue lying to you is disrespectful and frankly kind of abusive. Maybe giving him consequences for lying will help. Confused or not, you deserve the truth, at least as he understands it. Yes, he'll be afraid to tell it. He needs to tell it to you anyway.

  14. #89
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    So many good opinions and advice. The only thing I could add is that I agree with Reine...he needs to read this entire thread. In fact, put it in black and white -- print it off, staple it together, and leave it on his pillow. More difficult to avoid that way. I'm also concerned about the dating app aspect, but I would add that he sounds like me 25 years ago in many respects. It is incredibly difficult to shake off our shame and self-loathing, particularly if we grew up in macho/conservative environments.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy494 View Post
    ....I don't want him to think that I think there is something wrong with him....

    ....He is a very defensive person....

    ....should I be with somebody who I can't trust, who lies....

    ....I don't want to FIX him because I don't believe he is broken....

    ....What I truly want is for him to STOP lying....

    ....the dating site ...could be a huge issue

    I think lack of integrity is much more important than him wearing panties. Directly lying when confronted, hiding being on a dating site, snooping on your phone, him being very defensive - all are big red problem flags. Don't get lost in the fog of trying to understand crossdressing and transgender behavior. Don't fool yourself with poor excuses -you don't give up, you are very empathetic, you feel sorry for him. He is directly lying to you and probably thinks he can continue to do so - you let him.

    I do not want to be judgmental, and I do not know you or your boyfriend, but I know the pain, hurt and disappointment I had in my life when I ignored my red flags and stuck with someone for a long time that I should not have been with. I was empathetic, I felt sorry for her and I did not want to give up.

    I wish you both the best.

  16. #91
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    Hi again tammy, I agree with so much that people said and I find I am getting a little confused with how I would deal with things. Thinking more about my first post and rereading your post many time has helped me see that I agree with you. I am with my wife 10 years and I only came out to her a few days ago but I never hid it from her, when I came out to my wife she explained that she knew, I made sure she knew from the second we met, when we met I was very open but I also told her about all of me but in such a way that I was being honest but just didn't come out untill I felt ready. Yourself and john have a very different story to ours and he is not ready.

    To answer your fears about getting traced or tracked, it would be very hard for the avarage person but you don't need to worry one little bit about that. We are not like that, we all care for you both and are only here to help, we can all relate to your story in some way and sure why would anyone want too, their is nothing to gain from doing something so heartless and disrespectful. We are warm caring people who came here to learn, make friends and to support each other as best we can . The team who run this site do so in such a pro way that if a fool like that got into the site they would not last long. We are very safe and protected here by the team but also we look out for eachother.
    I hope this helps you feel better.

    I don't want to be a woman I am very happy with being a man, I truly don't fully understand why I dress well I didn't until I came out to my wife and myself at the same time and joined this site. Now I fully embrace who I am and see myself as not that troll I say anthony as but I can see what my wife sees. A strong man who is handsome and her knight in shining armor but as a women I am softer but sexy and still her knight just in shining leather .

    As for the dating site I too joined a dating site but before I met my wife, just before. I joined a russian bride site but not for a bride or even for a date. Because I felt so ugly on the outside i lost all my confidence so I joined to help me feel attractive and to get my confidance back. It worked perfectly and if I didn't join that site I would have never made a move on my wife. John might have been doing the same or might have been just trying to feel like he fit in and was accepted.

    How you move forward I don't know but to echo what many others have said, a relationship built on lies is doomed to fail and his honesty will free you both from a whole lot of pain but it will take time, baby steps.
    I agree at this stage in time he simply does not deserve you and if he is not honest he never will deserve you.

    I am not a church person but I pray you both work this out it the least painfull way.

    I have so much respect for you and I wish I could just hug you both and take this pain away.

    Anton jon.

  17. #92
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    I agree with Jenniferathome tell him you are going to take some time away from him.
    Tell him lying is not an option and you won't tolerate it.
    You leave or he leaves whichever and when he is ready to talk you will be more than happy to listen.
    Sometimes an ultimatum is hard but necessary.
    If I were in your situation I would have kicked him to the curb just for not being open and honest with me.
    If I truly loved him yes it would hurt but I would get over it.

  18. #93
    Nylons lover GeorgeA's Avatar
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    Tammy,

    You mentioned that John is obsessed with sports and it's difficult for you to drag him away. This with his continuing lies and denials shows that he has a lot of growing up to do. You said that you were younger than he, but your attitudes and expressions indicate that you are much more mature than he is.

    Tracii said: Sometimes an ultimatum is hard but necessary. I agree. You should put your foot down and demand that he changes his behaviour. If he has any brains at all, and I think he does, he will conform to your requests. The possibility of losing such a caring and supportive woman should be an awakening for him.

    This thread is one of the most interesting ones in a long time. We have all banded together to help a young couple to resolve their problems. We all seem to care about those two who were complete strangers just a few weeks ago. It just shows how great our community here is. Just think of the lengths and depths of some of the posts were. In the process we all learned something.

    Let's hope we will hear some good news soon.

    P.S.Perhaps it would be a good idea for John to join this forum. He can learn a lot here.

  19. #94
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    If he won't tell you the truth..... is stealing your clothes..... and is "dating" behind you back.... dump him and go find someone else... NOW!! RUN!!!!
    Current Obsession - Breasts and Lingerie!

    .......My Photos

  20. #95
    Senior Member UNDERDRESSER's Avatar
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    Hey Karen, wondered what had happened to you, nice to see you back.

    Don't always agree with what you say, but you always make the place more lively.

    Tammy, I get the feeling that your BF needs to grow up, big time. You seem to be more mature than him, even though you are younger, but I don't feel you have the "clout" to push him on his way. I would guess that he is a big ball of guilt, stress, shame, confusion, and selfishness. I'd be tempted to drop an ultimatum on him. "I can stand by you through this, if you want me to, but I'm not going to be lied to or fobbed off any more. Call me in a few days if can get your head straight."

    The risk is that he won't get himself straight. Honestly, while it will hurt, if that is the case I think you're better off.
    "Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO

    Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.

    The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.

  21. #96
    Pooh Bear Judith96a's Avatar
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    Tammy,
    I have no answers but I may have some insight into what your BF may be thinking / feeling. He is probably deeply (more deeply than you can imagine) embarrassed by you knowing anything about his cross dressing. That can lead to totally irrational behaviour, for instance continuing to deny that which is blatantly obvious (been there, got the T shirt). Also, despite anything and everything that you've said to the contrary, he is probably 110% certain that if he tells all you'll leave him (and most likely sell your story to CNN!). A totally irrational fear? Yes! I'm not suggesting that you'd do any such thing but I remember being his age and being paranoid about anyone, especially a prospective GF, finding out about my 'dirty little secret'.
    Advice? I really don't know. If you really are for staying, then you need to convince him that he's totally safe with you - no matter what - otherwise he will continue to evade telling you the truth. That is likely to be tricky (knowing exactly what to do) and, in the short term, painful / stressful. Only you can decide if he's worth it to you. If you're not for staying, then do both of you a favour and end it now, as gently as you can but firmly.

  22. #97
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    You've received some fabulous advice (opinions) from a group of people who are as well versed in this as anybody on the planet. I want to make one more tiny point of distinction, as least from my view. You empathize/sympathize with him for all he's "going through". My take on what he's going through...

    Perhaps this is a distinction without a difference, but to me it wasn't/isn't that I was going through something horrible when I couldn't dress, it was the fact that when I did it was so overwhelmingly euphoric! In other words, I could pretty much go on with normal (male) life. I'd look forward to the time I could. I'd plan and daydream about it, but I wasn't in anguish. Of course, I never had to go long without doing it, so I might have a different opinion if couldn't have done that. For me, it's just a part of me that I get more out of (whatever "more" is) than almost anything else I do. I wish this thing we do would be taken more at face value than always made into something so incredibly heavy. Part of me (but not all of me) is feminine, or what is usually thought of as being female. That's certainly the way I view myself, and I simply LOVE dressing that way. It's really no more complicated than that. I can still be a good husband, a good father, a good employee, a respected member of the community. I'm really a very ordinary person. A crossdresser is not all I am. Don't take this to mean that it's ONLY the clothes. If I didn't have this feminine aspect I wouldn't care about the clothes. They're an offshoot of my self identity. I think it may be the best part of me. It's certainly the most fun. But the male part of me is also pretty good! The heightened enjoyment, anticipation, and emphasis on my female side partly comes because I can't/don't have to do it all the time.

    So often this thing gets blown way out of proportion by both sides. It didn't/doesn't have to be that way with me, and I suspect the vast majority of others. Do I/we NEED to do it? Well, I could survive without it. But it's something that I enjoy doing more than anything else. Life is to be enjoyed! So, when you get right down to it, what's wrong with it? I'm not stupid. I'm fully aware of all the problems and prejudices people have with it and I know I have to be careful to not undo the rest of my life to satisfy this other part. But look at it for what it is. Is there really anything wrong with shaving legs, wearing nail polish, wearing heels, long hair, etc., etc., etc.? I don't think, and I was never taught, that there was anything wrong with those things. And if those things are something that brings great happiness, what's wrong with that.

    We ALL (me included) often make this such a deep and heavy thing with all sorts of negative connotations. The negative part is the lying, sneaking around, and developing and cultivating this aspect of ourselves out of the sight and knowledge of our SO's. Ahhh, but what if the SO is part of the majority who has a huge problem with it? There's the rub. It's a vicious circle.

    It's dangerous to be standing on this soapbox in heels! Stepping down now.

  23. #98
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean View Post
    It's dangerous to be standing on this soapbox in heels! Stepping down now.
    No need to step down, Rhonda ... you're doing a great job explaining the motives, IMO.
    Reine

  24. #99
    Sometimes Clueless Laurie A's Avatar
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    One thing I like about this thread is that it deals with issues that I believe most of us have struggled with. Hiding in shame and striving to resolve our guilt. I think its nearly impossible to be emotionally healthy unless one resolves these issues. And if you have ever have loved a person who is emotionally unstable, for what ever reason, you know how difficult it can be. It's actually why I joined this forum to begin with.

  25. #100
    Junior Member
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    Hello everybody, sorry that I haven't replied since yesterday. I've just been doing a lot of thinking, but I've read everything that you've all written. I really appreciate some of you saying that I seem very mature, I've been told that by other people that I know also. It's taken a lot to get to this point and when this initially started with me finding the pictures online, I was not where I am now. I was angry and confused and I jumped to conclusions immediately. I read a lot, even before I found this site and it helped me to rationalize the situation. But this place has helped me in ways way beyond that.
    It's a beautiful thing that so many amazing people have come together to give their sincere and caring advice and opinions. I still have not used this site on my computer but once I get my laptop id like to read some of your stories and journeys. You're all incredible people and I'm so happy that you have all found comfort here at this forum and that so many of you are finally at peace with yourself. I don't know the word for it, but I've always been the type of person who really feels for other people. I feel so deeply for the emotions of others. I think that is why this is so hard for me, because I don't want to make this even harder for John.


    I think I've decided that I will need to give an ultimatum in some form. I know if I were to give this more time without approaching the situation, I would develop a DADT mentality and that Is NOT what I want. If that were to happen, something else will just end up popping up and I'll go through this all over again. It's already happened the past few months... i decided to ignore it and it only made it that much worse when i found something else.
    I don't know exactly how to go about giving this ultimatum. I don't wanna come across as too harsh but I want him to take me seriously also. It's so hard because this past week, we've been getting along great but everything just hangs over my head like a big gray cloud. I'm thinking maybe I can print out some of this to give to him but idk. I just really love him and I don't want the ultimatum to cause us to split, but I want him to let me love him for who he truly is and I can't do that with all of these lies in our relationship.
    Today I'm not really in a good state of mind, I'm feeling very anxious and sad. I have anxiety to begin with but sometimes like today it causes me to feel depressed and not want to get out of bed or go to work or talk to anybody.
    I will be working on getting my head together over the next few days and then I will have to prepare for this ultimatum. I also need to prepare for him to shut down even with the ultimatum and I'll need to accept that if that's the case.I will have to move on. I'm hoping that the worst case scenario is that maybe he won't talk to me for a few days but then maybe he will realize and will want to talk.
    I hope the realization that he could lose me will help him to grow up. I think he is stuck in the present, and in his negative feelings. I think the sports betting is a distraction because it gives him something to focus on to avoid from thinking about other things. But he's also been a sports fanatic since I met him. The obsessive betting and checking scores/watching EVERY game only started the past year or two. Anyway I hope the ultimatum will bring on some change even if it takes some time.

    I just really can't express my gratitude towards all of you. You really helped me to understand everything more and that crossdressing is not the same for everybody. You're all extremely smart, kind and beautiful people and you all deserve the best in life. What I think is also extraordinary is that you're all able to admit your past mistakes whether it be about lying or hiding or self loathing. Most of you seem like you're so past that and accept and love yourselves now! I only hope that John can get to that point. However I understand this is a self discovery period in his life and that he is very young. I really hope I can take all of this advice and use it to heal our relationship and to help him to open up more.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Oh and I forgot that I just wanted to say to Rhonda that i would truly love for this to not be so heavy. If he were to be open about this, and become comfortable with me, I hope it could become less negative or not negative at all. I want him to be happy, and i think maybe we could have fun with it. i don't think of the dressing as a heavy topic anymore, especially after you said that and after coming here. Youre totally right, It's the lying and hiding that is heavy and negative. But I hope he realizes that I still view him as the same man I fell in love with regardless of how he is dressed. Thank you for all of your insight.

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