My boyfriend won't tell me the truth

[Tina_gm]

To some of the comments, any gg who comes here looking to figure this out and how to cope, deal etc etc, no. CDing itself won't be the only cause for a breakup. Unless the cding becomes all that the life of the gg is. That they completely lost their husband to cdinf, which although not an absolute, generally because they are ts, and live their life as and identify as a woman only.

But yes, there are women who will say flat out no to any of it. Either because they truly cannot deal with it, or they choose not to.

I am going to take somewhat of the middle ground when it comes to be patient or make the demand for total truth right away. As I had said prior, he himself simply may not be ready to accept his own truth. That was certainly me for nearly 3 decades. Yes, he may be lying to you. But lying to himself as well. It happens, and for a great big majority on here, it happened with them and I as well.

The dating site... yeah, imo, that one is o.b. what he was doing I am thinking was not truly looking for hook ups, not real ones in person, but playing out fantasy online. It is o.b. for a committed relationship, pure and simple.

I really do not think that there are any cders here who are crow barring this relationship due to Tammies acceptance of cding. I haven't seen her saying she prefers it. Hopes her partner comes out so they can be girls together. I believe she came on here looking for help so that she can have a relationship with honesty and trust.

[Alaina R]

Again, you all think that this is an easy topic to just sit down and talk about. Rather, it's the hardest thing that he will try to do in his life so far. Sheesh, doesn't anyone remember the first time they had to talk to someone else in their life about crossdressing? Especially a girlfriend or wife?

I remember; I was 21 and I was terrified. It was over 4 decades ago (that's the part I can't believe) and I was shaking and crying when I told her, certain that it was the worst thing in the world and that it would destroy everything. Surprisingly, she was not phased at all and we had many wonderful times together afterwards although, as we were quite young, the relationship eventually ended for other reasons. Nonetheless, I did tell her, hard as it was, because we had reached a point where I had to in order for us to keep going forward. From what I can tell, it sounds like he needs to find the courage to open up to keep his relationship going in a good direction.

Having said this, I do have one counterpoint to my own argument. Something I noticed, not at that time but later, when I was older in my more adult relationships. Sometimes it can get setup where the crossdresser becomes the 'identified patient' with the partner acting the part of the sacrificing but tolerant and giving partner. That's a bad situation too and can create unstated resentments from both partners. Eventually I got to the point where I decided that unless the woman was comfortable with it, I preferred to stay single. Luckily, I found the right woman eventually.

My point is that although the boyfriend sounds as if he is just not dealing we should acknowledge that the dynamics can be more complex and less transparent than it first appears.

[Tammy494]

So as I'm planning on approaching a talk at least with him, I just want to say a few more things. This a person, who even though I have been with for 4 years, doesn't know how to have a serious/deep conversation. Aside from everything else, and before any of this even happened, I've tried to sit down with him and he's only gotten more stubborn throughout the years. No matter how nice I am, he seems to always feel attacked. Again, no matter how nice and gentle I am, this is the result. He typically gets angry or annoyed within a minute or two into a serious conversation and tells me to go home. I just want to make it where he listens to everything I have to say without shutting down and/or getting angry and telling me to go home.
Should I tell him ahead of time that I need to talk to him and that Its important that he listen to everything that I have to say, and that I'm not breaking up with him?


I just feel like I deserve somebody who appreciates how loving I am, because I try so hard and I feel so small most of the time. At a certain point, I actually stopped trying. I don't go out of my way to make him happy anymore because I don't get the same in return. our 4 year anniversary is in a few days and I haven't brought it up because I know he won't wanna go anywhere and I'll end up picking out my own gift for myself FROM him and my gift FOR him like I do for every special occasion. Sorry for my sourness about this, I just know if I don't bring it up, he won't even remember either. it would just be nice to be surprised for once.

Also I know the sports betting is a problem, and for the record I just wanna clarify that he's not spending crazy money or anything. It's just Tons of little bets, so he never really loses any money. But it's an obsession regardless. Also, he's always been really into all sports since he was like 4 or 5.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this to be honest... You've all given such great advice, and taught me a lot. And I agree that Reine has really helped me and I plan to use the advice she has given along with lots of other advice from all of you.
I just want this smoke to clear so I can have an intimate, healthy relationship with John, with his true self.
I do plan to stay on this forum, and I'm really happy because I can finally send and receive messages and I can view people's profiles and posts. I want to read all of your beautiful stories and journeys. So much love for all of you!

[natalie_cheryl]

You will never be happy in a relationship where you are the only one communicating. If you've already given up trying to be happy together it's time to walk away. You've been together 4 years an he's not willing to change he won't ever. Imo it's time to leave

[LisaKarenAZ]

Tammy,
Based on your last post, it is really starting to look like John has some serious issues with commitment and communication. Although everyone is capable of change, some people are just not willing to do so for the sake of their own happiness. Your description of his behaviors really indicates someone who isn't going to change with a subtle approach. Speaking from my own experiences, it may take a proverbial 2x4 against the skull for him to wake up to what he has in front of him, and what he is risking by continuing to behave in the ways that he does.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid to say that you are enabling this continued inability to change by not coming straight out and telling him that you cannot stay in a relationship founded in mistrust, dishonesty, and intellectual negligence.

As for your anniversary, ask yourself this question, and respond completely honestly. What is the value of a relationship if you have to worry about an open and frank conversation risking your ability to happily celebrate a milestone in your life journey? You, my dear, are devaluing your worth by continuing to allow yourself to be manipulated by this guy. You have expressed yourself as being a caring, loving, and respectful woman, and as such, you are worth more to yourself than you have allowed yourself to be. Be confident, realistic, and honest with yourself and John, and stand up for your right to be happy. Nobody in this world needs or deserves to be in an abusive or neglectful relationship. At that is where you are, based on your posts. Emotional abuse and neglect come in many different forms, and doesn't always have to be outright malicious. Just the simple fact that he refuses to have a heart to heart with you, to share his feelings, and to give you what you need emotionally gives credence to the abuse/neglect factor.

In the end, you have to decide what is right for yourself, and what actions that decision results in. Don't belabor allowing yourself to be happy, regardless if that is with or without John being your partner.

[IamWren]

This a person, who even though I have been with for 4 years, doesn't know how to have a serious/deep conversation.

My daughter, who is coincidentally your age, was with a boy for a little more than three years when she decided to break up with him about a year ago. I was really, really surprised. We had a pretty long talk about it but she said that although he had a lot of good points; he didn't really drink or party, he didn't abuse her, they got along pretty well, liked the same food, he was a video game nerd (kinda like her) but not over the top about it... the problem was

he lacked depth. He didn't seem to be able to communicate on a serious level about important issues. She said it was really, really hard but she knew she wanted to be with someone who was more connected to her on a spiritual level not just the every day things. I was so very proud of her for making that tough decision AND putting that decision into action. (hint hint )

I just feel like I deserve somebody who appreciates how loving I am...

You do.
We all do.

I do plan to stay on this forum, and I'm really happy because I can finally send and receive messages and I can view people's profiles and posts. I want to read all of your beautiful stories and journeys. So much love for all of you!

I hope you will. I've been following the thread and not only have I learned a little about a young lady who seems like she would be accepting of a CDing partner (at least willing to try) but I've learned a lot about my 'sisters' and myself as I've thought about this thread throughout the day.
I'm looking forward to hearing your story and about your journey as well dear.

As for talking with your fella... I'm sure you're going to do fine. Be calm, gentle but stand your ground. Don't ask any closed ended questions or give him an out in the way you ask them (e.g. No 'yes or no' questions and no 'did you do it for/because _______' questions) structure your questions so he explains himself or at least gives him the chance to think and be introspective.

I'll leave you with that.

Mucho big hugs and love,
Sayyidah 'Sue' muah!

[Nadine Spirit]

He typically gets angry or annoyed within a minute or two into a serious conversation and tells me to go home.

I just feel like I deserve somebody who appreciates how loving I am, because I try so hard and I feel so small most of the time.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this to be honest...

I just want this smoke to clear so I can have an intimate, healthy relationship with John, with his true self.

For the most part I have stayed out of this conversation. While I have been reading it, this thread is quite full of opinions already. But....... here is my two cents:

John's issues that make it difficult to have an open & honest relationship with him do not stem from his gender variances. At least in my never to be humble opinion.

Far too often people are with someone for various reasons, they see concerns with continuing on with them, but think that they are the "right" person and so they attempt to stick it out. While I know that we are only hearing your side of this story, the story of your relationship suggests to me that John really does not sound like a good match for you.

[Katey888]

I don't know where I'm going with any of this to be honest...

Tammy - I think you really do if you read again what you've written here and tried to be as objective as you can about what you've revealed... I'd kept out of commenting before because, on the whole, you've been receiving pretty well balanced advice, albeit from different perspectives.

You've demonstrated enough on here that you ARE deserving of someone who is capable of deep, sensitive and reciprocal feelings - everything you've indicated about your SO (even if you have painted a worst case picture) says to me that you have someone with bigger and developing issues that are not only going to remain, but could become absolutely disastrous for you both. If he had the capability to respond positively to your exertions to get him to open up, I think he would have by now (from what you describe) - I just can't see that he has the capacity to change, other than to get worse - more obsessive; bigger bets; less open...

You say you want " an intimate, healthy relationship with John, with his true self" - but I feel that you've done a really comprehensive job of describing the 'true John' here; you just can't see the wood for the trees yourself... You really want to make it work - but people can't be 'projects' for other folk - not when there seem to be so many incompatibilities and so much resistance to your approaches...

For what it's worth, perhaps you should express that you're breaking up with him and see what that means to him...? Personally, I still don't think he'd respond, and that should confirm what would be the right course of action for yourself. You feel that you should deserve someone who appreciates you more, and there's only one way that you're going to find that - tough as it is, most of us go through it at least once in life, but it's often the right thing to do for both of you...

Good luck! I hope you can get where YOU need to be...

Katey x

[Dana44]

Tammy, I have a friend who feels stuck in a marriage and she tells me that it is not getting and better and that if she was not married to him she would leave but she took the vows to heart and sticks by him even in misery. I can say this after reading all of your posts. The man you have looks like he will not change. That cannot bode well for the future. I would take Paula's information and have a one time talk with him. If he does not want to listen. This is what you will have through your entire life with him. You truly deserve a man that loves you for you and communication is the prime example that keeps people together.

[Jenniferathome]

...Should I tell him ahead of time that I need to talk to him and that Its important that he listen to everything that I have to say, and that I'm not breaking up with him? ...

Tammy, people in healthy relationships don't have to do this. Cross dressing is something he does, it is not the definition of you two as a couple but communication WILL define you. Again, I ask, if he were a stock, would you buy it? Why is this stock going to rise in the future? 4 years in and his stock has not risen. If you can't talk, seriously and openly, what will you do when things are really complicated: marriage, kids, finances,....?

best of luck

[NicoleScott]

Tammy, don't tell him you're not breaking up with him. That just tells him all is OK, no changes are required of him because there are no consequences if he doesn't make changes. Don't give away your options.

[debstar]

Or just put your self first and dump him. MOVE ON.

[ReineD]

He typically gets angry or annoyed within a minute or two into a serious conversation and tells me to go home.

I just feel like I deserve somebody who appreciates how loving I am, because I try so hard and I feel so small most of the time. At a certain point, I actually stopped trying. I don't go out of my way to make him happy anymore because I don't get the same in return. our 4 year anniversary is in a few days and I haven't brought it up because I know he won't wanna go anywhere and I'll end up picking out my own gift for myself FROM him and my gift FOR him like I do for every special occasion. Sorry for my sourness about this, I just know if I don't bring it up, he won't even remember either. it would just be nice to be surprised for once.

Why do you stay with him? If he was not a CDer and if you couldn't use the crossdressing as a way to justify the way he behaves, would you put up with this?

Unfortunately your bf has a lot of issues to overcome, not just being open with you about the CDing. How long will it take, assuming that he will be able to overcome all his issues ... one year? Two? Five? Ten? Twenty? Are you willing to put yourself aside for that long?

I just want to make it where he listens to everything I have to say without shutting down and/or getting angry and telling me to go home.

Well first, you can't "make" him do anything. Some people have so many walls there is nothing that others can do to get through them and the walls will only come down when and if the person is ready, if they even WANT to tear down their walls. But there is one thing you could do, if your bf shuts down when you talk to him. Write him a letter. Take your time with the letter. Use it as a journal initially, as a way to put all your feelings on paper without telling yourself you will give it to him. And then let it sit for a few days and revise it. Do this two or three times in the course of the next few weeks. Then you can give it to him. Amazing things happen when we begin journaling our thoughts. The truth comes out.

And then, Tammy, give it a time limit to see if your bf begins to be more open to you. Don't tell your boyfriend he "has" to change "or else" (this won't work), just give YOURSELF an amount of time to live like this. You can be generous with the time if you want. You could give it 6 months. But if at the end of the time period there are no changes, then you will need to make some hard decisions. Write the letter but do not delude yourself into thinking that it will be the magical solution to the problem. You CANNOT control the outcome, you can only do what you can do, observe the results, and make appropriate decisions accordingly.

And read the books I linked to earlier.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I agree with what most everyone has said and I like Reine's point about giving yourself a deadline, however as the picture becomes more clear I personally would suggest giving yourself a much shorter deadline. I wouldn't expect anyone to completely change immediately in a short amount of time BUT you should be seeing at least some progress very soon otherwise I feel that you are attempting to bail out a sinking ship and should probably jump out IMO. A person can only change if they want to and if they proactively take some initiative in the process. And in my experience a person usually has to change for thierself as opposed to changing for someone else so unless he desires the change I don't see it being successful in the long run. I would also be watchful for him trying to appear to do the bare minimum just to prolong the relationship and string you along as this is a common practice in unhealthy relationships whether the person realizes they're doing it or not. Open communication is essential to a healthy relationship and even when me and my accepting SO have had serious uncomfortable discussions I would never dream of telling her to go home because I don't like or agree with what shes saying. I have way more respect for her than that and I think that you also deserve to be respected and should not settle for less.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Tammy

I think you need to sit your boyfriend down where he has time to listen.

I would explain to him not telling you the truth could be the worst decision of his life.

Like the song says " Don't it always seem to go, That you don't know what you've got till its gone "

He needs to tell you what's going on even if he does not have the answers. This wont be an easy step for either of you but it does seem like you need a proper talk before anything can be resolved.

[jenni_xx]

Tammy, you say that it is very difficult for your boyfriend to engage in a serious discussion, that whenever you try, it isn't long before he "shuts up shop" and walks away.

Have you tried writing him a letter? Putting all your thoughts and feelings down on a piece of paper, handing it to him, while saying nothing but "WE will be talking about this later, after you've read this letter". That way, you can get your point across, without interruption, without fear that he'll walk away. Then I would suggest that you "shut up shop" with him, you are the one who walks away, saying that the next time you both do meet, your concerns, worries, and questions, will be discussed.

And of course, writing all your own thoughts and worries down can be a cathartic experience in its own right.

[sometimes_miss]

First, what Jenny_xx wrote. Good idea. Now, some more of my fat headed comments.

The man you have looks like he will not change.

He's in his twenties. Women are generally ready to settle down into their final monogamous relationship when in their twenties. Men generally aren't. Some will, but that's not usually their primary goal; very, very often, those men's goal is usually sex, and the belief that a particular girl will remain as desirable as she is then, for the rest of his life. We don't find out otherwise until much later that libido's cool down for the same person. I didn't make that up, it's called the seven year itch, and it's very real.
Much of his behavior (not counting the crossdressing) is pretty typical of MANY single men in their 20's: Doesn't want to talk about anything that a woman considers 'deep'? Not unusual at all. Avoids discussing problem issues as if they'll go away? Common. Can't remember birthdays, anniversaries? Pretty common to husbands of all ages. Face it, men usually don't take relationships as seriously as women do, unless they're about to lose it, and by then the woman has been unhappy for so long that it's over before we even know what's happening. Men usually don't notice subtle nuances when our mates are unhappy; ask any guy if his wife says 'fine' when he asks if he can go play golf if it's then ok to go (at least the first few times he does it). It usually takes tears before a guy notices something's wrong.
Why? We're not relationship driven. We're sex driven. We initially seek relationships with women for sex. Sorry if it seems I'm giving away the big male secret here. But for the first phase of the relationship, when we hurry home from work after a week's road trip, it's not to cuddle on the sofa and talk about 'our day'.
For all of you ready to jump up and protest that statement, please remember that nowhere does it say that ALL men behave or feel that way; it amazes me that so many felt like I was pinpointing THEM when I mentioned that there are guys out there that would jump at the chance to steal a crossdressing accepting GF from another guy. But conniving guys most certainly do exist, and they are very devious. I've had two girlfriends stolen from me and gotten the 'all's fair in love and war' speech.

He's not behaving like a male who's really into settling down into a long term relationship. That probably won't happen for years yet. As before, what you're seeing is the reflections of so many men here who have the benefit of hindsight, as well as perhaps some increased introspection due to our being crossdressers (and no, not all crossdressers have that, based simply on the fact that they're not HERE and perhaps not anywhere else discussing it).
People change throughout their lives. That's part of growth and accumulation of knowledge. What we don't know, is how they will change.

[Judith96a]

I don't usually approve of issuing ultimatums and, because I remember all to vividly what it was like to be mid twenties, confused etc, I'm inclined to favour 'enabling him to open up' rather than confronting. However, if it really is the case that you can't have any (CD-related or otherwise) serious conversation with him then I think that there may be merit in picking your moment and saying something like "There are things that we need to discuss, and discuss seriously, if we're to stay together. I'm up for it if you are. But if you're not then tell me now." And be prepared to act promptly on the response whatever it may be.

[NicoleScott]

Judith, I agree. Sometimes an ultimatum doesn't sound like one, such as when the focus shifts from what you must do to what I must do. "This [current situation] isn't working for me, so I will need to make some changes." It's not demanding or confrontational. Let's just hope it's not too subtle.

[Tammy494]

Thank you everybody for your responses again, I never imagined my post getting so many responses. It truly amazes me every day when I come back here to see new replies. There's been SO many different opinions and view points but at this point in the thread, I really do feel like I've gathered what I need to move forward here. I will not necessarily be giving an "ultimatum" because I now understand that it's not exactly the right approach even though I thought it was. I actually did write a letter when I found the box of clothes a few months ago, I said that I would be here for him no matter what, and that I accept him for who he is. It was more lengthy and detailed than that, but that's the main point I was making. I wrote how much I loved him and how I just want honesty no matter what the truth is and I'll accept it. However I feel that the reason he didn't open up then was because that was only two weeks after I initially discovered the pictures. And I left the note with the box of clothes on the bed and went home and waited for him to text me when he got home. When he got home and found it he texted me just assuming we were done and started attacking me and making me feel bad saying "4 years down the drain". But then after, THE SAME NIGHT through text is when he told me about his inner turmoil that I never had a clue about. Told me how he's been depressed for years and has anxiety and a whole bunch of other things. He opened up to me about all of it for a good hour or two. To which I was trying to be comforting and listen. But in the end of that conversation he shut back down, saying "I'm glad I told you because you're the only one who's been around me this long but it just doesn't change anything. It doesn't make it better." And he stopped texting. The next day when I saw him in person I didn't wanna touch a fresh wound so I didn't bring up any of the things he said. I knew he wouldn't wanna re-enter that conversation. So I just tried to have a calm, relaxed night with him. Maybe that's where I went wrong, idk.
Anyway, I'm thinking of writing a letter again because I really want him to hear/read everything I have to say. I'm better with my words in writing anyway. It will be a gently written letter, but maybe that will be a better approach. And as one of you mentioned, maybe after I give him the letter I will say that when is ready to talk about what I have written to come to me.. Idk.
Sometimes miss, what you said makes a lot of sense. Especially because he has a lot of growing up to do.
I'm trying to plan around this maybe.
Anyway, I'm greatfull for all of you. You really have no idea. I wish I could send you all gifts to show my love and appreciation.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Also to Reine, I will be looking into the books that you've mentioned. I truly value your advice. I value many others here as well, and they all seem to speak very highly of you. Thank you for being a part of this thread and for being such an honest, helpful and caring person.
everybody here has been so deeply involved in this thread and I've learned so much. It only makes me want to learn more. You are all full of wisdom and I hope all of you are able to live your lives to the fullest.

[ReineD]

I actually did write a letter when I found the box of clothes a few months ago, I said that I would be here for him no matter what, and that I accept him for who he is. It was more lengthy and detailed than that, but that's the main point I was making. I wrote how much I loved him and how I just want honesty no matter what the truth is and I'll accept it.

....

When he got home and found it he texted me just assuming we were done and started attacking me and making me feel bad saying "4 years down the drain".

Wow. I'm beginning to wonder if your boyfriend even wants to be in a relationship, if he took "I love you and will be there for you no matter what" as a breakup letter? People do have a tendency to read what they want to read.

Tammy, a word of advice when you write again. Last time when you asked for honesty he deflected your request with opening up about his depression and anxiety while acknowledging that telling you about this wouldn't change anything. So he never did address the contents of your letter and what you need from him? I mean, it's natural that in conversations couples can only focus on one person at a time, but usually they take turns. Focus on his stuff, and then focus on yours. But your points were entirely forgotten?

So now that you do know about his emotional state, you might think about mentioning that there are a few things you need out of your relationship despite his anxiety and depression. For example, you need honesty. Full honesty about all things and this means telling you what he does on the dating site and on kik (is he just wanting to meet people who will be OK with the CDing or does he want to flirt as a girl), and no more hiding clothes. You also need for him to no longer shut down when you want to talk to clear things up, even if he does feel depressed or anxious. And last, you might consider telling him that you need to know you are a priority, you need to feel appreciated by him and this means that he needs to be aware that you have needs in this relationship too. Ask your boyfriend if he can provide these things, and consider mentioning this isn't a break-up letter, you just want to see where your relationship is going.

If your boyfriend says that he cannot provide these things because he is too anxious or depressed (yet he goes on dating sites?), or if he ignores your requests and he deflects the conversation back to himself again, then I don't know what to say other than wishing you all the best with however it will all turn out.

Do you have other friends, other people you can do things with to give you a break from the drama with your bf?

[Jill Devine]

After reading all of this I have a simple observation. I think the boyfriend is not "long term relationship material" who just happens to also be a crossdresser. I think the CD topic is clouding the discussion. Most the advice is focused on his CDing and not on him as a him as whole person. If he was a regular guy with the same bad behaviour we would all say dump him. I'm always supportive of trying to save a relationship but putting the CDing aside, he sounds very difficult.

Tammy you sound like a wonderful caring and trusting person. Don't spend your best years with the wrong person. I wish you well.

[heatherdress]

Tammy - After 4 years of an unhealthy relationship, you do not need to understand anything more about your boyfriend's many issues. You should yourself why you tolerated an unhealthy relationship for so long. You seem to be describing a boyfriend who does not communicate or share his emotions, who lies, who gambles, who puts his sports interests before your needs - who seems to bully you because he knows he can. You have discovered he crossdresses, hides on a dating site, checks out your phone, and then won't even communicate with you when you offer to help and try to understand. There is no trust or communications or intimacy in your relationship - after 4 years!

What do your friends think? Or your family? What do you get out of this relationship? Have you thought about talking to a therapist yourself?

I hope you can do what is best for you and not spend more time trying to learn why he does not love you and respect you and trust you as you should be. You deserve to be happy.

[Acastina]

And a last comment: you might show him this thread, and ask if he would like to join the forum. There are all types of members here, from people who do this for fun occasionally, to people for whom it is a sexual preference (a fetish), to people who dress because they do not identify as male and everything else in between. He might want to talk to other CDers about his fear of letting you in. There is a private section for CDers that SO's cannot join.

There is also a private section for GGs (genetic girls, a.k.a birth females) that you might want to join too, for support. The details are here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

That was my first second thought too, to guide him to this forum and let him read up on the phenomenon. My only hesitation with this particular advice is that he might feel exposed and self-conscious because it is about him specifically. Even though none of us knows where these folks are or what they look like, he may suddenly feel like the whole world knows about him and is watching in amusement or disdain.

Maybe gentler would just be for Tammy to tell him that she searched the Internet trying to understand him and found this site. Give him a link and give him some time? There are so many positive experiences chronicled here, and once he reads stories something like his from all different kinds of people, the most likely outcome is some kind of eventual epiphany of self-acceptance.

Soooo, lead the horse to water and see if he's thirsty. Good luck. He's lucky to have you, still trying hard to help him grow and know all of himself better.

[Tracii G]

I have to ask this Tammy is this boy your first love?
Why do you stay if he obviously doesn't respect you as a person?
Do you think you can't do any better? Use the excuse "but I love him" ?
Its a toxic abusive relationship you know this so why stay with this guy?
Maybe its time to look at yourself and the reasons you can't let him go.
I hate to be blunt like this but I am seeing a pattern of you not seeing the forest for the trees.