Having trouble committing

[vickyybluee]

Hey there, I'm a new member to this site but I have been reading posts for a while now and I just want to start off by saying that I look up to each of you all, I consider you all brave.

I say brave because I am the type to over think things and let things get to me, so this has hindered my judgement on my sexuality. And that is where I need some advice.

My first experience with trying on women's clothing was when I was 5 or 6, I would sneak in my older sister's room and try on her clothes sometimes and I mostly ran straight for the panty hose, something about that feeling on my legs that I can't get over. Soon enough I got caught by my father and he just laughed at me but I never dressed again. I guess this caused me to just shut off these signals and feelings I had, I never once thought of being a girl I just liked the clothes and the way they felt.

So now in my late teens and early twenties, these feelings have surfaced again. And lately they've been the majority of my thoughts, I can't get these impulses to dress up and put a wig on and feel as fem as possible. Its very intriguing to me. However, with me being straight, these feelings are very weird to me, they don't feel normal and I don't really know how to react to them.

Please, if it doesn't take too much of your time, could I maybe receive some advice? Maybe even similiar situations that youve been in? I'm open to anything and everything and will answer any questions that there may be! Thank you all for reading and keep on doing you!

ps. thought it may help to clarify some things through explaining my sexuality but I'm not too familiar about what things should be posted and what not.

[Peach13]

Hi vickyybluee! Welcome to the site where I'm sure the peeps on here will share some experiences and advice! I know what you're saying with impulses etc. Mines were very strong and because It didn't feel normal I fought it for a long time. I found it got worse the more you fight. I'd be more attracted to high heels than Mens clothes. I questioned my sexuality and done some experimenting in my late teens but soon realised i was def straight. So I gave in to the urges and bought me some woman's clothing starting with lingerie and I haven't looked back! I am proud to say I am a crossdresser or whatever label the world wants to give me. It makes me feel magnificent and happy. It took a while but I am totally content with it. So much so I confided with my girlfriend at the time and we have recently got married! Life is good and I think being a CD has made me a better person! Everyone has a different story and will follow a different path. Do what makes you happy. That's what's most important! Take care and good luck

[ReineD]

I have questions first to clarify things a bit, that might help people give you more precise advice.

1. You're having trouble committing to what ... getting into a relationship with a girl (if so, why?), or saying that you are a CD, TG, gender fluid, or whatever it is you will eventually decide upon as a descriptor.

2. When you dress, is it mostly sexual?

3. Are you seeking better balance ... wanting to regain your interest in doing the other things you enjoyed doing before like hanging out with friends, studies, gaming or whatever these things might be?

[laura.lapinski]

I would say statistically, you are in the minority just by being a crossdresser, but that doesn't mean you are bad. I would say, find a safe way or place that you can do it, and don't tell anyone about it at this point. Take it slow. Learn about yourself. If someone finds out, just tell them it's your fetish. If you need to, you can direct them to this site to learn more about it. As you do our dressing, read through the threads here on this site. Analyze yourself and your childhood, and you will find your way and level of what you are comfortable with. Dressing won't change your sexual orientation. Many say that all CD's are a little bit bisexual, as defined on the Kinsey scale of sexual preferences, but I have read from others here who dress and are 100% heterosexual. So, you see, CD's come in all flavors.

For me, the dressing was a highly sexualizing thing for me. Once I did my introspection, I feel the reasons that I crossdressed where many as follows (not in any order of degree of affect): stress relief (like a drug is an escape, so can be sexual things), deep admiration of the female physique (imitation is the highest form of flattery), the taboo-ness of it (always the rebel, and doing something so outrageous is a fun thing to do), and the brain's desire for dopamine production (the brain knows how to get it's fix--food, sex, adventure and fun), and personal power (we are turned on by the thought of having the alluring power a hot babe has over us and we want some of that power for ourselves, and maybe I'm 20% bi, but not attracted to men at all. Just the thought of it when I'm dressed (which some people who don't have that feeling reject). All these factors are what my self-analysis has produced. You may find some differences in yourself, but you just need to explore it to know for certain.

Good luck.
Laura

[vickyybluee]

Thanks Peach13 means a lot! And for you Reine, and sorry about the confusion....

1. I'm having trouble commiting to my crossdressing. I know that I like it but I just can't give in. I can't accept the fact that I'm a crossdresser. Maybe because I don't even know if I am.
2. It is sexual. I do it and get a high from it. Not really high but I assume you know what I mean. But, I also feel really comfortable in women's clothes. I had just bought fish net stockings (my first "fem" purchase) and I just love the way they feel on.
3. I think I am deffinitly seeking better balance. Right now, once I have the first urge of the day (my fem urge) I get clouded and kind of push myself away from others for the rest of the day. It sucks the interest I once had for things such as socializing and doing things I enjoy. This is really the first time I'm realizing how negative it effects me during the day.

[Sarah.Jane]

I've dressed since early childhood, I've struggled with why I do it through my early years, I've hated myself for it at times, and I've loved doing it, I found a better balance by no longer worrying why I dress, it's just who I am.

[Robin414]

Hi VickyyBluee and welcome to the enchanted forest hon (my place is to the right, with the crazy pink smoke coming outta the chimney 😃 )!

You're not alone, IMHO if it's not hurting anyone, just be yourself, it's OK! You might one day decided to venture out and interact en femme with the mugles as many (but not all) of us do...but if not you can always be YOU around here!

[Tracii G]

You are young and its normal to experiment so let it go and express yourself.
You don't need to tell anyone you CD at this point because you need to learn more about why you enjoy it.
Dressing and sexual preference have nothing in common which most people don't realize, they just assume if a guy dresses in womens clothes he is gay.
95% of CD'ers are straight just for the record.
Saying you are straight is your way of trying to rationalize to yourself because no one here really minds what your sexual preference is (we don't judge).
Keep reading and asking questions thats how you learn. Thats what I did when I joined here and this site has helped me so much to understand myself.
Good luck.

[ReineD]

2. It is sexual. I do it and get a high from it. Not really high but I assume you know what I mean. But, I also feel really comfortable in women's clothes. I had just bought fish net stockings (my first "fem" purchase) and I just love the way they feel on.

There are members here who downplay the sexual aspect especially when they no longer specifically experience sexual gratification from the CDing each time they dress. Some of our members prefer to assign transsexual motives to the crossdressing and I would take these opinions with a grain of salt.

So without assigning any labels, I can explain what happens to your brain chemistry, the reasons you feel euphoric, when you do dress.

Throughout your brain there is a collection of synapses separated by empty space called the synaptic cleft. Whenever you have a thought, one synapse shoots a chemical (neurotransmittors including dopamine and serotonin, the feel-good "reward" transmittors) across the cleft to another synapse, thus building a bridge over which an electric signal can cross, carrying along its charge the relevant information you’re thinking about. It’s very similar to how nerves carry electric from the sensation in your toe all the way up to your brain where it’s actually “felt”. Every time this electrical charge is triggered, the synapses grow closer together in order to decrease the distance the electrical charge has to cross. This is a microcosmic example of evolution, of adaptation. The brain is rewiring its own circuitry, physically changing itself, to make it easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together, in essence making it easier for the thought to trigger. Your thoughts effectively reshape your brain, and thus are changing a physical construct of reality. The synapses you’ve most strongly bonded together (by thinking about it more frequently) come to represent your default personality. In other words, the more you think about the CDing and link the positive benefits of sexual gratification to the CDing (which you may translate to being female), the more you will want to dress. This same process is involved with any behavior and any compulsion or addiction.

3. I think I am deffinitly seeking better balance. Right now, once I have the first urge of the day (my fem urge) I get clouded and kind of push myself away from others for the rest of the day. It sucks the interest I once had for things such as socializing and doing things I enjoy. This is really the first time I'm realizing how negative it effects me during the day.

Just as you can train yourself to want to dress, you can train yourself to rediscover the other things in your life. Make yourself go out and do things with your friends. Be aware of what is going on in your brain and make yourself take interest in other things again. You can still crossdress, but allocate less time to it and more time to doing the things you used to enjoy.

[Katey888]

Hi Vicky, and welcome..

Your experience sounds very similar to mine at your age... never had any uncertainty about my sexuality (hetero) despite this odd condition that sees me still needing to present as female from time to time. I successfully suppressed it for decades, on and off, kept it a secret even to this day from my family... went through a very conventional life until just recently the desire to go a bit further surfaced, and my previous 'neck down' dressing advanced to full femulation. And it feels right, OK, and has been somewhat fun...

I only dress <5% of the time and go out on special occasions - I have no desire to transition permanently or even dress much more than I do now - but the expression makes me feel better, so I believe that is satisfying some quirk in my gender compass that needs to let out this femme expression from time to time. I like to think of it as flexi-gendered because I flex between only the two modes: I have no need for a more fluid presentation, although that's perfectly valid and satisfies some folk.

I've had fantasies like many of us: wouldn't it be great to flip back and forwards to see what it really feels like as a GG...? Some have fantasies about what it would feel like to have sex as a GG, or even a CD... But fantasies are just that... They just demonstrate you have an open and enquiring mind, not any particular orientation.

Advice..? Well, this need is likely to stay with you - so get used to managing it. If you can find an outlet for it; if you need to be 'out' or just get out - all those things are possible with a bit of planning and subterfuge. If this isn't a major part of your persona (as with me) my advice would be to learn to manage it - don't let it dominate your life... While this isn't a psychological illness, it sure ain't 'normal' either and will likely remain stigmatised to some extent by society for some time yet - so if you want to be out, you have to be prepared for potentially negative consequences... I can't recommend it if this isn't a big part of you... So try to understand that part first and how much it means to you...

In terms of talking about your sexuality - we're fairly broad-minded but the relevant rule on what will get deleted is:

• Explicit sexual content and/or pictures, this also includes external links to other websites.

So just keep it non-explicit and you should be fine...

Katey x

[Jenniferathome]

Vicky, being straight and being a cross dresser do go together. I was like you. I dressed very early on and knew it was "wrong" but for whatever reason, I liked it. That never went away entirely although the need diminished from time to time. I'm just a pragmatic person: I am a cross dresser. That's it. That's my most most weird trait. My wife is ok with it but I had to be ok with it first.

Are you hurting anyone by cross dressing?
Are you shirking other responsibilities (job, fatherhood, spouse, whatever) in favor of cross dressing?

If no to both, then you're just a cross dresser. Have fun with it and have fun with your daily life too. It's all about balance.

[vickyybluee]

@ReineD
Wow, thank you very much! I'm pretty well educated on psychology of the brain so it was easy for me to understand your explanation and you made some things click in my mind. I greatly appreciate you!



Thank you Laura for you input! You pretty much hit the nail on the head with everything that you said. I feel like I can relate to you very well because everything that you described is exactly how i've been feeling. I appreciate it so much that you put this into perpective for me. Thank you thank you thank you!

[Gabby6790]

My first suggestion, is to READ READ READ these forums. You will learn a lot and discover that you are among many who are just like you.

Once you have read a bunch, start asking question. People are enormously helpful and kind on here.

Lastly, you have discovered something akin to a drug (See Reine dopamine). I personally don't think botttling this up is healthy at all. Like others said it is a harmless hobby when it doesn't control. Have fun with it, enjoy your feminine side, it is most probably going to be a part of your life for a long time.

[PaulaQ]

Unfortunately, this idea that crossdressing is an addiction is simply false - this is what's implied by dopamine's re-wiring your brain. It's a pretty dangerous idea, actually, because if it's an addiction, it implies that recovery or reparative therapy is possible.

But let's compare CDing to actual addictions. It's true that both CDing, and say alcoholism, are compulsive behaviors. The thing is, with alcoholism, in general, the compulsion reduces with abstinence. Whereas with CDing, it often gets worse over long periods of time. I've been sober 25 years (26 next month). Avoiding the urge to CD was ultimately impossible, despite abstaining from it for over a decade. (In fact, doing so nearly destroyed me.)

Now one could argue "but you are a transsexual Paula, that's totally different!" But that would be arm-waving, as we don't really know whether there is an underlying similarity between transsexuals and crossdressers, and the fact that it happens reasonably often that some CDs transition suggests that they must be pretty close, otherwise it's kind of remarkable that they are often indistinguishable for years.

BTW, I'm not suggesting you are a transsexual, but rather, like me, you were born this way, there is nothing you can do to eliminate these feelings, and that they are natural and occur normally in nature. You didn't do this to yourself, nobody did this to you, you simply are what you are.

The sexual aspect of your dressing is meaningless. I know as many trans women who experienced that as didn't.

Actually, it's when it stops being sexual that you need to be concerned...

[anton jon]

Hi vicky, you are just as brave as most of us.

I can relate to what you are feeling . I am dressing for about 30 years and I didn't see any problem with it untill I came out to my wife. By the way I am only out to her for less than a week. I had somehow flicked a switch in my mind that convinced myself that I was just having a laugh and I tricked myself into believing that I done it because I was one of the lad with a kinky sexual secret but last week it hit me that I was lying to myself and I fell apart and tried to take an overdose. Its not the first time I have tried and remembering the last time is what stopped me this time. The pills I took last time are to slow my heart and control the beat, I rememberd lying on the bed in my emergency doctors and watching my heart flatline on the bleep bleep machine, I could see and hear my doctor panic and all I could think was I am the worst husband and father for putting my wife and kids in a place where they would have to go on without me. My hero doctor got my heart beating again. My wife does not know I died but she does know I took the pills, she made me promise to never do it again so i rememberedthe promise and I have never broken a promise ever so I put the pills awayand joined this site. Wow that was so hard too write, it took me right back i only shared it because I made a choice, embrace who I am or one day watch that bleep bleep just go bleeeeeeeeeep . Now that I have embraced it I am in the best place I have ever been in and we are truly happier than ever.
I did fight with them feelings that I must be gay and that I was a sick freak. But I am not bi or gay and so far from a sick freak, I am a man who looks and feels good and attractive in fem clothes, I love it and me more than ever before.

You need to try find a way to embrace who you are because ripping your self apart trying to answer questions that are not that important will consume you as it did me and I am sure many many people here. You are you no matter what clothes you wear and if your worried about how others might have a problem with the real you well that's there problem not yours and one day we will help them with that problem before it consumes them .

The world has many colour not just black and white not just male and female so chine up pull them panties up and strut you stuff like you owne the world.

Lots of love and remember don't be your own worst bully instead be your biggest supporter

Anton jon.

[MissDanielle]

I can say from personal experience that repressing or suppressing one's feelings towards CDing is not healthy. I can't remember the last time that I dressed because I have to be so discrete and lately, that's been much of the year. That's not to say that the urges ever go away because in my experience, they haven't. I have clothing sites bookmarked that I plan to purchase the first chance I get. Every time I say that I am going to stop reading the TG stories at Fictionmania, I am back on there in the span of a few days. How I wish that Bikini Beach or Spells R Us were actually real!

Living as Danielle full-time would be a blessing to me but until I move out next summer, it's not happening. I'm 100% hetero and attracted to girls but there's just something about being the woman in the relationship that appeals to me. Like I can actually envisioning myself being the bride at the wedding. If that makes me a girly girl, so be it. Maybe I'm a lipstick lesbian stuck in a man's body--if it does reach the point that I decide to transition and maybe it will, I will make sure to find a way to keep my sperm so that I will be the biological father. Ever since I saw Titanic in 1997, or maybe even before, I've had dreams where I was a woman or turned into a woman. This was shortly before the first time I went into my mom's closet and tried on her clothing.

Gays, lesbians, and transgendered are currently accepted by society. Crossdressers may be next. Sure, it's taboo but whose to say that I can't be a nice Jewish girl, too, despite my outward appearance.

[Pat]

1. I'm having trouble commiting to my crossdressing. I know that I like it but I just can't give in. I can't accept the fact that I'm a crossdresser. Maybe because I don't even know if I am.

My bit of advice is that it seems like you're letting the term "crossdresser" define you. You say, "I'm a crossdresser so I should be doing <something.>" That's getting the cart before the horse. I (too often) say "crossdresser" should describe you not define you. You don't have to commit to crossdressing. There are no duties to fulfill, no responsibilities, no requirements to uphold. If you choose to wear women't clothing, you are a crossdresser -- there's nothing to commit to. The term describes a behavior, it doesn't set a course for your life. Relax. Do the things that make you happy. If you look back on those things and need a term to describe them you use the term crossdresser if it fits, otherwise you use some other more appropriate term.

If it's sexual for you, then accept it as that. There are no further responsibilities. You owe nothing. You can do it when you feel like it, when it feels good, and you can walk away from it if walking away feels good. Find your balance as it comes.

[Mayo]

I encourage you to read about and explore resources on CDing, being transgender, and sexuality and ask questions here or in other groups. You may very well be 'just' a straight fetish crossdresser, and there's nothing at all wrong with that, or you may find that other things strike a chord with you, but it may take you months or years to come to a conclusion (and your orientation and gender identity may change over the course of your life as well). The one thing I would say is that if your thoughts on dressing (or sexuality, or online gaming, or anything!) interfere with your ability to live your life, then it's a potential problem (not the thing you do, just how or how much you do it) and some counselling might help you balance these various needs/desires in your life. Good luck!

[Angie G]

Hi Vicky And welcome to you.I'd say just go with it and enjoy the fellings hun.
Angie

[NicoleScott]

Quit fretting over it. Just do it.

[Dana44]

Back when I was your age we had the repress our desires. Today, you have more latitude. I would say dress when you desire. But also do the things that you want to. Perhaps you need to get it out of your system and and only could do that if you had to dress a lot for a time. But really you can pace yourself and as they say get a stiff upper lip and pursue life. I think we all linked it with sex at the beginning and still get arousal out of it. Most are straight as an arrow. No fears there. Do what you need to do to get your head straight and go out and socialize. Life is just beginning for you as a cross dresser and life itself is waiting for you.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Like you, I started young, but never got caught, at least as far as I know.

I felt it was wrong and tried to repress it. CDing 50 years ago could get you killed, thrown out of the house or taken to a shrink.

I really only started freeing myself from repression less than 10 years ago. I wish I had done it sooner when I was still young enough to be pretty and cute.

The environment is much difefrent now, so if you enjoy it, just do it.