A sad story

[Vala]

Hi girls and boys. Today is a terrible day or better said yesterday and the next X days wil be terrible. The short story is that my SO told me she wants to end our marriage because of my dressing. And there ain't anything I can do about it. This leaves me helpless and broken as many of you can imagine. And at this point I just don't know what to do anymore. I wished someone could help me but I also know that no one can make a single desicion for me. So although I feel like bagging for help I also know this thread is nothings more than spilling my guts. I hope you all don't mind cause I have currently have no one to turn to and who would understand me and the position I'm in.

So here comes the long story and you better stop reading if you're not interested.
Almost a year ago my wife found out that I was secretly exploring crossdressing by spotting a little bit of eyeliner. After a lot of talking she came to terms with it and ensured me she wouldn't leave me over it and we would find a way to make it work.
Months went by and we discussed many things. We had a few shopping trips that were nice. She even bought me a few make up supplies to show she was ok with it.
But nothing is further from the truth. A while after she found out, she wanted to do a make up night together, this was a ton of fun but at the end she asked me to change my clothes completely. I did ask here like 10 times if she was sure and she said she was. But seeing me in a different set of clothes broke her. Cause when she went upstairs to sleep she had a really hard time to even hug me. The next day I told her that although she tought she was ready for it she probably wasn't and that we shouldn't try it again anytime soon. She totally agreed with this and from this point on I didn't share my female side with her anymore, but I still was fully open about it. She insisted to stay open about the subject and don't enter a DADT relation. After this i really thought we were cool with each other, cause at night when i was alone i could experiment and the rest of the time I would be nothing else than her husband.
Now not so long ago I had a day for my self and I was sure to enjoy it. The next day was fine and at some point we were both getting those tingling feeling in our private area. The temperature rose, clothes flew around and all hell broke lose. And yes it was hell, cause i forgot that I didn't yet removed my nail polish from my feet. The next days weren't pleasant at all and the fact that I told her I was sorry and that it was stupid of me to forget my nail polish, didn't change anything. So after a few days we had a talk and she limmeted me to only dress one night a week (if I had the chance on that night) and occasionally if I was alone with her permission. I was feeling bad about it but I did agree to her terms. And again I thought we were cool.
So last weekend she was visiting her sister and I had her permission do dress. The next day when she got home she noticed that my hair was still a bit flat (from wearing my wig) and she tought she noticed some eyeliner, and although she didn't say or show it she was feeling terrible inside. I however did another cleaning session only to conclude I had cleaned everything off the first time. So she starts to see things that ain't there.
And finally yesterday she told me that she wants to end our marriage. And that there ain't anything I can do about it. The only solution for her is if I would never never ever dress again or do anything even remotely associated with dressing. I told her that I was considering to complying to that but she said I told her that dressing was a part of my life now that I couldn't quit. And i can't argue with that cause I did tell her exactly that. And I know I changed and that I'm a slightly different person than I was almost 3 years ago.

The bottom line is that I can't force to change who I currently am, she can't live with who I have become and that de destruction of our marriage is final and unavoidable.
I really feel like that I have opened Pandora's box and with consent kept it open so that even hope has escaped.

I have always believed that honesty I best policy but I'm really doubting that now.

I you kept reading to this point than I would like to thank you for taking the time. And note that happy endings useally only happen in fairytales.

[Rhonda Darling]

Ahh, the visit to the sister problem. Having read many posts of a spouse/SO who we thought was ok with our dressing going away to visit family members, who returns with a resolve to end the relationship, I suspect that your wife was never fully accepting, nor wanting to be fully accepting. Once she was away from you with a non-involved (and likely non-understanding) close family member she spilled her emotional guts, received feedback that cast you as a demon, and was encouraged to dump you as soon as possible.

You you haven't given us background as to how long married, how long you've known each other, etc., so any "advice" from us is based only on this one thread. If you REALLY want to stay married because she's the love of your life and you can't imagine being without her, as her to go to joint counseling with you. DO NOT AGREE TO DICTATES FROM HER THAT ARE PROMISES YOU CANT KEEP. She's not the boss, she's your partner! Do you really want to be with a domineering controlling person who expects you to deny your own identity?

On the other hand, if you even slightly want true freedom to be yourself, get a divorce attorney, be totally honest with that person, and get yourself out of the marriage. As most here will confirm, being CD/TS/TG is lifelong -- it won't go away. Staying with an unaccepting partner will be very bad for your good health.

Keep writing here. You'll get lots of good feedback.

Best regards,
Rhonda

[Suzie Petersen]

Vala,

Vala: I do agree with your first paragraph. She doesn't argue with me and I don't with her also she doesn't blame me and I don't blame her.
But after the first paragraph I have to disagree, I am really sorry for that. I really am unable to see where priorities come in. My marriage is the most important thing to me besides my kids, but choosing to stop cross dressing would make me miserable. So even if I would choose to stop than in the long run my life and marriage wouldn't get better because of it. And when it comes to my wife, well she has been trying to accept it for almost a year and she feels miserable about time after time, and that’s the whole reason we got to this point.

:-) I was pointing out that you can chose to try and suppress your dressing need to stay with your family, AND I also said that your wife agreed to the "In sickness or health" paragraph, meaning that if there is something related to your well being, which you have no control over, she promised to put her own wants and desires aside to support you. You can disagree with one of those concepts, but not really with both of them. Maybe I wasn't clear.

What I mean by priorities and by choice is that this is an unsolvable dilemma. One of you, or possibly both of you, will have to do something you dont want to. You have to chose a path through this and you will base your choice on what matters the most to you. Call that priorities or call it something else.
I fully understand that you feel that if you are not able to dress anymore, it will make you miserable. But I assume, or at least I hope, that the thought of loosing your family and possibly never seeing your children again, would also make you miserable! Yes??
If not, then I suppose your choice will be easy.

I was presented with the same choice years ago. For a long time we tried to find a balance where it was acceptable to both of us. My wife tried really hard to first accept, later to at least tolerate, that I needed this. But after years of this, things inside of her started to just break apart. As much as she wanted to change herself to honor the "In sickness and in health" thing, she just could not. The thought of it just made her miserable.

When I finally got out of my self petty and started to notice the effect this had on her, I realized that as much as I wanted it, I could not have it all. I also, eventually, realized that if I could manage to suppress my dressing needs, I could in fact have everything else.
The final straw for me was when she quietly decided that she could not live with the situation. Not a matter of deciding that she just wanted out and get a fresh start with someone else, no, she could not live with it .......

So, do I not miss it? Do I not think about it? Do I not feel tempted to do it again? Yes, I absolutely do, sometimes often, sometimes not as much. Just like most others report, sometimes the urge is strong, sometimes not as much. But I have chosen not to act on it!

Marriage is a two way street, it is give and take and it is about thinking more about your partner than you think about your own needs. There are some limits in there too, I agree. It is not black or white and the world is changing. I personally disagree with the trend of Me First, which I see all around me, and I try to live a life of looking out for others first, and then myself. That goes for my wife, for my children and for my neighbors too.
It was not easy at all, and it is a struggle I have to work with all the time, but I found that when my wife gave up trying to change herself, I somehow found the strength to change my behavior, and through that, I am able to live up to my own promise of "In sickness and in health".

- Suzie

[Pat]

Vala - I'm very sorry to read of your situation. All I can do is offer sympathy. Happiness may be absent at the moment, but it will return.

[Sarah.Jane]

I'm sorry to hear your news, I've had a couple of partners who said they were ok with my dressing, but turns out that they weren't, good luck with the decisions you have to make

[Suzie Petersen]

Dear Vala,

Indeed a sad story, one I recognize unfortunately.

Although a wife or gf often will be willing to try to live this in us, it is just not an easy thing to accept and it can send them into an unbearable state of doubth and other emotions. As much as we can say we didnt chose this and that we just cant live without it, our SO's can say exactly the same. It is hard to argue that on either side.

In the end, it becomes a matter of priorities. What is more important to you, and to her. Is it your marriage and love for each other, or is it your own personal development and inner piece.
We humans are capable of incredible adjustment. We can get used to just about any condition and although we may not think we can go on after something happens, what ever it might be, after a while we can usually look back and realize that we made it to the next level anyway.

Your marriage may or may not be salvagable, only you and your wife can determine that, but if that is what matters most to you, you _Can_ chose that and make it through.
Just for the sake of the thought experiment, imagine your doctor told you that what you are doing would kill you! If you do not stop, you have 1 week left to live! What would you chose? Could you not stop dressing, if that was the consequense?

It may be too late, but it may not. You must chose and chose wisely. Happiness is not free, there are always sacrifices involved.

On the flip side of the coin is the fact that when you got married, you both, in one form or another, agreed to "in sickness or health". "Whatever happens, I will stand by you and support and love you always. You are my highest prioroty, nomatter what."
That is a tough one for modern humans, especially us in the spoiled part if the world where loss and sufforing often is limited to not getting that new car we want or having to skip a vacation.
But it means that you, and your wife, agreed to go through whatever comes, together!
If she now have found that she cannot, or will not, honor that, then she might have realized that she has reached a point where going on means self destruction! She may not be able to live with it and might be in the same spot as if your doctor told you it would kill you. Maybe she feel it would kill her to have to go through one more week of knowing what you do!
At the same time, she may think that you are chosing this over her, that if you would, you could just stop it! For those on the outside, it is very hard to understand how difficult this is for us to deal with.

The problem is that you have a choice! When bad and sad things happen to us, and we dont have a choice, we have to adjust. There is no way around it.
When a child is taken from you, there is nothing you can do, and as much ad you might think you will not be able to move on another day, you have to find the strength to face the night and then the morning, and then do it again. With time, you re-learn to live, you learn to live with it, but you live. You do not have a choice.

Look inside and find out what your priorities are, because with this, as difficult as it might seem, you do have a choice to make.

Hugs
Suzie

[MarinaSweden]

I have no idea how old you are. I have no idea (but it seems you haven't) if you have any children. And it will probalby not help you, but I would think this is for the best. If the alternative is that you were to cast away a big part of you and your personality, she isn't worth the problems it will lead to.
I am in a situation a lot like yours and what it has given me after trying so hard for so long (25 long years) is a deep deep depression. I am on my way up that that os only because I have said to my self that I have the right to be m and not who or what someone else wants me to be.
So, better now than later.
Hope you feel better soon and that you can see the future more in a brighter light.

[Stephanie47]

I extend my sympathies. I've read many many times and have seen it happen around me that what seems to be mild acceptance or at least tolerance develops into outright rejection. There's a lot of times when I make the comment on this forum that I wish when I am cooking dinner for my still working wife that she would give me a pat on my butt when I am en femme. I know it will never happen. I know there have been endless debates on this forum concerning "the reveal." Is it wiser to come clean or is it better to conceal? Frankly, neither the husband nor the wife will really know how he or she will react until it occurs.

I hope you and your wife can resolve your differences. The comment was made before my post that a wife will listen to those around her rather than listen to her heart. It is possible if not probable her family knows. It is always remarkable to me that a couple experiencing a long history together will not realize the qualities that attracted each to each other probably still exists.

One thing that I definitely believe is the visuals that are embedded in the mind of a woman will never go away. The Genie cannot be put back in the bottle. I find it unfortunate that a woman who encourages cross dressing by buying gifts and having makeup parties will swing totally around...a complete 180. I suspect when some women do that it is her trying to see whether or not she can accept her husband's cross dressing.

I would suggest marriage counseling before divorce. I think your wife needs to be reassured that cross dressing is not an evil thing. It may be something that is a marital deal breaker for her, but, she needs to be educated cross dressing is not something to be feared. I do not know how this will be played out in the future with your relationship to your young child. Counseling does not have to lead to acceptance or even DADT, but, it can be of value to resolve and correct misunderstandings.

[Tracii G]

I agree with Rhonda.
Its a situation I have read about many times on this and other forums.
Having been married twice I can see things from a different angle when it come to the old I'm visiting my sister line or excuse.
She may have told her sister about you and her sister gave her advice but on the other hand she may have went to visit an old BF because she was unhappy with you and your dressing.
One thing to look for is from this point on is her not wanting to have sex with you because she feels guilty in some way over what she did with the old BF.
I went thru this with my second wife so don't think its all because of you that she wants out.
Your CDing may be a convenient excuse.
Women sad to say are very good at planning things so I'm sure her sister is in on the plan and knows everything and will back her up.
Personally I would wait to see what happens about the sex thing and watch how she acts around you and if when she gets phone calls and speaks low or walks out of the room.All those are hints to look for that she might be having an affair.
Don't let her play you is what I'm saying and in this case be a man and fight back.
Cover your bases and have an attorney before she does anything.

[MichelleDevon]

Vala, we are all sad for you I'm sure and it will touch a chord for many of us. It is an all to common scenario within our "community" here and one to which there are no simple answers.

Suzie has argued the situation well and leaves you with some pertinent questions to ask of yourself. It's always a tough call - for myself I was in a similarish position a few years ago. I "came clean" about my crossdressing back in 2001 - it went down like a lead balloon. That was after just over 25 years of marriage. She couldn't cope with it and just tried to push it under the carpet in the hope that it would go away...of course, it didn't. Her rejection of it festered within me and left me rather more vulnerable to outside influences. 5 years or so down the line I met someone else and moved out. We had begun to think about divorce but then my new partner found that she couldn't cope with the "other woman" in me. She left and I was a wreck. Counselling helped and led on to couples counselling with my wife. By then she had had 2 years to think about what had happened. During the course of the counselling we were able to explore why I hadn't said anything about it for such a long time and that did give her a different perspective on it all. The upshot was that we decided we had enough basis to get back together - shared history, shared interests, shared future (grandchildren, etc) - and 7 years on we are indeed still together. My wife now tolerates my CDing - it would be untrue to say she likes it but we have been out with me in Michelle mode and it has not been as bad as she feared. To say we "share" it would be stretching the truth but I have Michelle time at home, I have Michelle time out and more often I am Stephen at home and always on holiday.

So where for you, Vala? As Suzie has said - decide how you feel about your wife and your marriage. If it matters enough to you then suggest counselling, maybe separately first, then together. Only then, with a disinterested third party helping you, will you be in a position to make an informed joint decision about the way forward. There is always room for compromise to achieve an agreed outcome but as others have cautioned don't promise something you are either unable or unwilling to deliver. It can't be a one-way decision nor should either of you expect complete submission from the other. You can't do this using advice from family or friends - they come with prior knowledge and preconceived notions - they are too close.

So decide if you want to salvage something or whether it is easier/better to move on. And remember this isn't a rehearsal - you only get one go at life. And remember, too, that there are lots here who have been through this mill in the past and we will be here to offer advice and support if you need it...

Michelle
xxx

[JeanetteX]

Vala, I have never been married so I can't give you any advice and in fact I don't even know what to say. All I can tell you, from one Dutchie to another, is that I wish you all the best for the future. Sure it will be tough but try to keep your head up girl. If you wanna write down your frustration in Dutch you can PM me btw!

[Katey888]

So sorry to hear that Vala...

I can't begin to imagine how bad and torn you must feel, hearing that from someone you clearly love... It is so sad.

I'm sure you'll get lots of advice for both perspectives but I'm sure also you know that this isn't likely something you can suppress and if your wife is saying she can't accommodate it, at least she tried and now perhaps she's being honest with herself as well as you - and you both have a decision to make that should be for the best of both of you... I'm so sorry for you both...

You have to find support from all the friends and relatives you can - they don't need to know the details of why this is happening, but you need to try to get as much non-judgmental support for you as possible... Many of us have been through relationship trauma, although for different reasons, but they're never easy - you just have to get through them as best you can but know that you WILL come out the other side of this however bad it may feel at the moment...

Feel free to come back here and spill or vent as much as you need - you know we understand..

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Vala, nowhere in your post do you mention love. But if you do still love your wife, then fight for her.

Hugs, Nikki

[carhill2mn]

Having lived a long time and having been in similar circumstances I am unable to give you much hope in the chances of two of you having a long and happy marriage together. I think that your wife has given you a very strong indication of how she will be in the future, her way or the highway. This means that you will be subjugating your happiness to hers. This will lead only to unhappiness and resentment.

You did not mention if any children are involved. I hope that there are not as this makes things simpler - not easier. As some have already suggested, get a good divorce attorney. You need to protect yourself and your assets. There are legal issues involved. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for a possible/probable divorce and make rational decisions as to how you will do things. Do your best to keep things between you as civil as possible.

Good luck!

[jenniferinsf]

i think suzie also speaks for me ..... my wife and i are coping (she is trying very very hard and i am easing up)...i know we can make the relationship last but it will take work on both sides...we love each other and that matters most....

i am hoping that is your case, if it is the case - in the words of other responses...fight for her...even if it means reducing or eliminating for awhile your dressing.....

consider perhaps things will change over time....there is a long story to support this but too long for here

regardless...be the better person and you have my support either way

jennifer

[Vala]

Again i would like to thank you all for reading my thread and i will try to respond to all of your posts.

daphne_L:
thanks for being the living proof here that not everyone is evil by nature. And we will keep to follow the path we are walking and it is working fine.
I will always love my kids, me wife will be my best friend for life but loving myself, hmmm that ain't my style.

BLUE ORCHID:
Nah there is no need for that.

Joyce P.:
like I said before my profile says in 32, I don't know if you consider that young or not and if I will will find someone new or not is a good question. That only time can tell.

Robin414:
well I wont be killing any animal for fun or sport, I'm not the violent type of person (insects excluded, ewww spiders).
And I won't be leaving the premises, but on the contrary it's more likely that in time my wife will leave.

Docrobbysherry:
I don't have to try and fill my head with the illusion that we will get back together ever again. Cause my cross dressing will not get less but probably more and the chance that my wife will change her mind is something like 1 in a google
I already know that this will be for the although I wish it wasn't so.

Dutchess:
I know how the average dutch girl or people in general are but I really ain't afraid that the situation I'm in will turn out horrible for me.

Suzie Petersen:
well what can I say. That you where able to change yourself, be happy with your self and have a happy marriage than that's great. But in my case that won't work. Yes we will be breaking the promise we made for country officials but we won't be breaking the promise we made to each other, and that is that is that we will we make each other happy.
What matter most to us is that we both are happy and the path is a divorce unfortunately. Sometimes if you truly love some one you have to let him/her go. And I don't have to be afraid that I won't see my kids any more, cause like I said before my wife ain't evil.

anton jon:
I'm no specials, but it could be very true that a bisexual wife helps when it comes to acceptance, to bad my wife is 100% straight.
There is no need anymore to try and get my wife here. The roller coaster ride we have entered has started and will not got in reverse.

Jackie7:
thank you very much for the support. I will see what time has to offer.

Flatlander_48:
Thank you for the support.
JamieG:
advise isn't always necessary, speaking your heart and mind and receiving a little sympathy is often the only thing we humans need.

Gendermutt:
Yes she really tried her best and blamed her self the last few days for not being able to married to me anymore.

Tracii G:
I will see in time if my trust gets broken or not.

Gendermutt:
well I haven't said it before but me and my wife did some partner switching in the past so if she really wanted to be intimate with some one else than she knows I wouldn't really mind cause I'm extremely Non-monogamist.

barbara gordon:
when I talked about hope I only talked about my marriage not hope in general

LeslieSD:
thank you, I will take it as easy as I possible can. It is already is getting better with the start of every new day.

Jigna:
well most problems do need some sort of solution.

Jenniferinsf:
We were coping with it but unfortunately that wasn't the solution. And we do love each other that's the reason that our divorce is happening.
I'm afraid you didn't get every line of text, cause I can't fight for my marriage anymore.

[Jill Devine]

So sorry for your pain. Yes time does heal but it is slow and painful. Wish I had super advice. I do count myself as a spiritual person and a non traditional Christian. I would say to pray and ask for strength and guidance. Contrary to what the bible thumpers say, Jesus loves all of us. Pray for strength and if you want to save the marriage then pray for restoration. Miracles do happen.

[jigna]

Problems will be sort by itself, just give it little time.

[Saikotsu]

Hey Vala,
I know it's hard to believe now, but happy endings do happen outside of fairytales. That it didn't work out this time just means that your tale isn't over yet. Take the time to heal your emotional wounds and dust yourself off. Its tough now, but it'll get better and so long as you don't give up, you'll find that happy ending someday.

I'm sorry that it turned out this way, but you've done so much sacrificing for so few returns that I honestly feel you're better off with a more understanding partner. Best of luck! We're all pulling for ya

[Jodi]

Been there and done that 15 years ago. It was a difficult time but, at no time did I feel "helpless and broken". You can only be helpless & broken if you allow yourself to be. There is a life after divorce and that life will be what you make it.

Now is the time to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and begin a new life.

Good luck.

Jodi

[Dana44]

Wow, went though that myself. Get a lawyer and a good one at that. I was wealthy and lost my entire fortune to that b....h. She knew how to work the courts and also her sister helped her. They are probably coming up to speed now. she likely discussed it with her sister and gave you the impossible ultimatum. Happy endings?
If you can get away from her and as bad as my divorce was happening a coworker sent me an email.

Once upon a time a man loved a woman. She decided to push him away. He went fishing and drank beer and lived happily ever after.

Yes there is life out the other side and look for the girl who will love you for who you are. Its a big world and one man I know told me not to despair over women, they make more every day.

[Ally 2112]

Your story is very similar to mine so i know what you are kinda going through .Like Dana said get a good lawyer and i hope the best for you

[sometimes_miss]

One thing i have to toss in; when, after we started the separation process, my ex had said something to me that stung: She said, "You didn't even fight me about it. You just like, slunk away. I figured if you weren't even willing to put up a fight for what you wanted, then I didn't want it either. If you wanted me, you should have fought for me. But you just gave up.". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She wanted arguments? After insisting that she wanted a divorce? I thought that was absolutely nuts. But some women are like that. So. Maybe fight back? Find out who turned her away from you? Insist that you stay together to try to make it work? Maybe that's the 'man' in you that she wants to see, a fighter who won't ever give up? Maybe it sounds crazy, I don't know. In retrospect, perhaps I could have saved my marriage by becoming an asshole. Not everything has to make sense. But when all seems lost, it may be time to try something you feel is a bit unconventional.

However; and I don't know what your local laws are; but here, if either person walks out or moves out before a separation agreement is legally signed, it's considered abandonment, and you could lose any claim on your home and belongings. So consult a lawyer pronto. Get your bank accounts in order if you have a joint account, because my ex emptied ours real quick, and I had zero money to mount a legal defense; so you might want to take half out and put it into your own account just to be safe; if anything, she'll appreciate that you're being smart about your situation. It seems as if someone has 'helped' change her mind, so be ready for the worst.

FWIW. Good luck. You're going to need it.

[mikayla1964]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. they say when one door closes another one opens..keep your head up high and believe in your self and in God. Things are never done till there is no breathe left in ones body. With each day comes a new breathe .What we do with that breath is up to each of us.. You may decide to give up the side of you that you have came to love . Everday in life there are choices we have to make some are selfish some are giving . The whole key to life is accepting one for who they are ,Tho difficult it may be its the true person who is inside that really matters.I'm a cder maybe not the prettiest and deffinately not very passable atleast I don't see it in the mirror but when I look in the mirror I see a loving caring sweet person. And you need to look deep into the mirror and you will see the true person there . I wish everyone could look past the outer wear and see the person that is truly there with in. And if you want to know the truth when one looks deep into it there is no male or female in there it is only a true person. I don't know if any of that makes sense to you .Maybe she will see in the mirror after a little bit of time away and no longer see a male or female but only see you the person she really loved ..I will pray you find your happiness again..

[Jacqueline StGermain]

Hi Vala, So sorry to hear about your situation.
My divorce was caused by my ex sister-in-law, my ex and I ended becoming friends again about 6 months later, but I had no inclination of getting romantically involved with her again.
A couple of things to remember, blood is thicker than water, it is nearly impossible to go head to head with family.
The other is to give her some room, go out of your way to be extra nice, do things for her, she may take it as an obvious ploy to change her mind, but rise up and be the better person. It payed off in my divorce, even though her lawyer was a genuine world class turd.
If she genuinely wants the divorce solely because of your dressing, you have to ask yourself if you could stand not dressing for the rest of your life.
I wish you all the best.

P.S. Don't know exactly where you are in the NL. , I was in Medemblik in 1979, had a great time, loved running around Amsterdam. Always wanted to make it back.

Remember, Be the better person