Towns are not conservative, they are just geography. There might be those who would bring you harm in your town, or the next town over, or ten miles away. It's the luck (bad luck) of the draw.
Towns are not conservative, they are just geography. There might be those who would bring you harm in your town, or the next town over, or ten miles away. It's the luck (bad luck) of the draw.
Can some of us get over the 'holier than thou' attitude that says I am braver/stronger/better than you attitude that says I'm OK, I can be out and I don't care? Where is the support there for your sisters who dare not, because they might lose their jobs, their social position or worst of all their family?
For me, I'm fine. I go out when I want to, with my wife when we want to.
But please, why should any of your sisters have to excuse themselves to anyone here? Care to explain?
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!
Which way is actually being supportive?
1 - saying that the fear is really within your own head and it is okay to get out regardless of where you live
Or
2 - saying, yeah, you are right to be afraid and stay hidden, the world is a scary place
Amanda I'm not being holier than anyone just giving an opinion from my perspective.I am free to voice an opinion am I not?
I know there are some here that have their reasons and thats fine.
Maybe just maybe my post will help that one person to see that the world won't end if they walk out the front door enfemme.
Thanks StacyB you rock Sister and you know where I'm coming from ha ha.
Even tho' most of us don't really pass up close or under scrutiny we look so much different in girl mode most people we know won't recognize us anyway.
Nadine thats a good point how would I be supportive if I sat back and agreed with everything?
Fear is something we all deal with but not confronting it isn't going to help you move forward.
Last edited by Tracii G; 11-11-2015 at 12:18 PM.
...and the correct answer is...
3 - determine for yourself the risks and rewards of going out or staying in, having greater knowledge of your personal, family, job, and community situation than anyone else on this forum.
To the OP: what's it to you whether someone goes out or not?
Nicole I understand risks and rewards so yes that does come into play and its different for everyone.
Whats it to me? Well its the people that say "i can't" and wallow in misery and complain about it.
I would outright refrain from using the word 'can't' in this context at all, most of the time 'won't' seems to be the general tone here.
It was never about fear for some of us out here; it's a matter of consequence. Or more precisely repercussions. The degree of conservativeness of total strangers has close to nothing to do with it. As many others have said, you the crossdresser won't be the only one experiencing the effects of being known to be out. Once you ring the proverbial bell, someone has to have heard it.
Not all of us are fireworks, exploding beautifully in the distant night sky. Quite a few came out like handgrenades, hurting those closest to them. And even then, notice how far fireworks fly before their colours get to burn.
That being said, it's got to be acknowledged that the simple task of being girled up and going out the door is not an easy one. As much as those who have fearlessly stepped out deserve much respect, it's naive to look down on those who choose to confine their dressing. It's almost definitely a reason, not an excuse.
Last edited by Lily Catherine; 11-11-2015 at 12:52 PM. Reason: Addendum. What a way to spend my 400th post.
I personally don't look down on anyone who says that they do not want to go out in public and that they are thrillingly happy hiding.
But it does get a bit tiring reading about people who say that they WANT to go out and WANT to stop hiding but CAN'T because of a variety of excuses or reasons when they have never even tried.
Coming from someone who used to think they couldn't go out and couldn't be open with my friends or at my job, I have personally found out that the world does not end when you come out of hiding. Many people here talk from experience but many people here talk about what they THINK will happen.
The only people I do look down upon are those that fear monger based upon what they THINK will happen.
It is totally ok to be afraid to go out dressed. We all have to admit that we risk something when we step outside our own hidden closet. None of us know what the consequence will be and how it will affect our life in the future. We also know that when our secret is out, it is impossible to take it back.
When that is said, we don’t either know what will happen to us if we keep suppressing our feelings and suppress being our self. None of us know how that will influence our mind either.
The way I see Traciee’s intentions with her post is that we must not scare each other of how dangerous it is to go outside if you wish to do that. So many of us have had the same fear we read about all the time before we stepped outside our home, but when we went out so many of us experienced that our fears didn’t come through. Of course we must tell everyone about our nice experiences in a forum like this. The stories about how much hate we meet from others are most often from the ones that haven’t been out yet.
I am not out to my family except my sister because I fear how they will react to this. I can’t blame my family for not respecting my lifestyle when they haven’t had the opportunity to know this about me. It’s the same way we can’t blame the society for not respecting us when we don’t dear to show it to them. Who is being prejudiced, the public or us? I know that each day I go out dressed, I can be seen by someone that will spread the word behind my back. I need to take that chance and I will take the consequence even though I don’t know how it will affect me if it happens. My experience so far has only been positive. When you wonder if you would go out and take that chance you need to read about the positive and negative reactions others have experienced before. Especially from the ones that have already been outside, and not so much from the ones just staying inside.
The choice if you want to step out and take that chance is only up to you.
If you want to get OUT enfemme and prefer to not be discovered by your neighbors or people in your town, take a trip to a larger town that you know is relatively safe. Spend an enfemme OUT weekend there. Also there are many events scattered throughout the country and throughout the year.
There is always a way.
Check out our Drab to Fabulous long weekend at our website crossdressersmichigan.com Four days of enfemme FUN OUT in the general public.
SUCH FUN!
can't you make your point without disparaging people? Most don't prance...your prejudice and misconceptions are showingOriginally Posted by Krisi
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
You are complaining about people complaining.
Oh wait. I am complaining about people complaining about people complaining.
Agreed. I think what can happen for some is that they begin to think about going out and then the gravity of their life situation hits them. But, instead of continuing to think and strategize, join a forum, ask others, etc., they allow the fear to paralyze them into non-action.
Personally, my solution almost a year ago was to find groups away from my small town. For me, once a month is a 3 hour round trip drive and twice a month it is a 2 hour round trip. The chances of seeing someone I know is very slim. However, since coming out to a BUNCH of people last month, worrying about seeing someone I know is becoming less and less of a concern. And yes, I do walk out the door en femme.
DeeAnn
There is less danger than most of us think in terms of going out in public. In cities of 30,000+ people, there is relatively little danger. It's not like mobs of peasants with torches will descend on you like Frankenstein's monster.
That said, there are real concerns:
1. Being outed coming / going from home
2. Being outed by meeting someone you know out and about.
3. There is some risk of harassment by random people. This won't happen often, but it can happen.
4. There is risk of harassment in restrooms
5. There is risk of harassment by law enforcement - carrying condoms, for example, can be considered by some officers as evidence of prostitution.
The odds of any of that happening are low, but those things can and do happen. The more passable you are, the lower the odds are. You can look at a thread I wrote here, "Pass or die," for an example of something that happened to a friend of mine.
Being outed is the most likely thing to go wrong out of all the things that can go wrong. Being outed in a tiny, conservative town like the one I used to live in is no laughing matter. (3500 people in rural Oklahoma.) I remember sitting at dinner with friends while they joked about how transsexuals didn't stay in their town. There I was, a dude as far as they knew, listening while feeling absolutely terrified.
Last edited by PaulaQ; 11-11-2015 at 03:01 PM.
The decision to go out or stay in the closet, has little to do with fear, or courage or guts. In fact, the closet has a different meaning for each of us. With the possible exception of those who have chosen to go full time, or to transition, we are all still inside our own self imposed closet. Going full time or more, requires opening up to everyone, by the basic nature of the decision. It is telling everyone, that you identify as a woman and not as a man. If you do otherwise, such as reserving the right to appear at funerals and weddings in male mode, then you are still not totally out of your own self defined closet.
Even confining ourselves to our own homes, can at times be a major step outside of our closet. Does our immediate family all know? Do neighbours sometimes appear without advance notice? Do we limit the extent of our dressing to easily removed items in an emergency? Sometimes dressing up fully at home can be a greater risk to some individuals than going out and shopping or dining in a large city, or a distant town is to others. All of my narrow escapes have occurred in my own home, and never when I was out at a CD event. On the other hand, when not crossdressed, I have had several instances of bumping into an acquaintance or someone familiar with my town, or employer or family, hundreds of miles from home. If out of my closet and en femme, I might have been totally outed.
Leaving our closets, or expanding the extent of it should not be a dare, or not based on feelings of inadequacy from reading of others' exploits. It should be based on a rational cost/benefit or pros vs. cons type decision. Will going out enable you to enjoy your crossdressing experience in a meaningful manner? Itemize the ways in which you think this will happen. Then consider the risks, not only to yourself, but to your loved ones. Might it impact on your social life, your job or your overall family situation? Try to weigh the reliability of the influences that may be motivating your desire to expand.
Finally, I do tend to think that there is a feeling of superiority in the community over being out and about. It is much like the old class system of long ago. It is not simply imposed on others by those who are out, but is also perpetuated by those who are not out and tend to have feelings of inferiority. None of us are any better or worse than anyone else. We are individuals, and do what we do because it satisfies us and does not create unnecessary risks to us or our loved ones. That's not fear or lack of guts, its just common sense.
Veronica
[QUOTE=Veronica. We are individuals, and do what we do because it satisfies us and does not create unnecessary risks to us or our loved ones. That's not fear or lack of guts, its just common sense.
Veronica[/QUOTE]
Thanks Veronica.
You Said it all Exactly, in My World. :-)
OMG superiority? Really you think that was my intent Veronica?
My whole point was an opinion on those that say they want to go out but say they "CANT".
Sure they can they just don't know it.
Y'all are reading too much into it.
I just dont like the phrase I Cant....seriously...there is no such thing no matter what the subject matter may be about
Last edited by Adriana Moretti; 11-11-2015 at 04:21 PM.
In all honesty, I don't think Tracii was trying to cause a war here, merely making a statement of opinion and then in the time honoured tradition of Universities world wide, closing with the statement...Discuss.
It's very difficult to put a sensitive subject up for discussion, when you know someone might take umbrage over the exact content of the statement. So I'll doff my bonnet to Tracii for trying. I try to answer in the spirit of the question rather than dissecting it for exactitude, although I can be as guilty myself.
Becky
I've lived in towns I would NOT go out in, primarily due to my job. It seemed I would almost always see someone I knew ( while I was in drab)
On the other hand ,I've been out in questionable areas ( actually lived in one for years,4
people were shot there last week, one died ) 1 block from where I used to live.
Give her a break, everyone has their own comfort level, it's her decision.
We all do this for our own personal reasons, but have a common bond.
No offense o the OP, but having grown up in a very conservative, small, deep southern town that was the buckle of the bible-belt, I can tell you that advice won't fly in all places you go. Even if I was to go back there and be as beautiful and perfect as Cassadra Cass, I would still not be anywhere near as safe as if I was the guy I am in real life when I don't dress.
It's one thing to overcome your fears and live your life in the public eye... In reality, we all know that there are places where it is SIGNIFICANTLY safer for us to be ourselves.
I do get the jist of what the OP said though.... Some people may use it as an excuse to continue to hide their true self.
Last edited by SHINY-J; 11-11-2015 at 06:37 PM.
Granted, alot of my reasons include not having a regular everyday outfit that wouldn't stand out. Even if I did get out and get something more regular, I would probably only feel comfortable enough if I got myself to where I feel like I could pass as a woman while I'm out on the town. At the halloween party I was at, I knew just about everybody could figure me out when I came out in my southern belle dress. I tried as best as I could to put on a softer and more feminine voice, but everybody knew (and nobody was bothered by it, so success!). At the same time, I knew that if I really wanted to pass as a woman, I had a long ways to go... so going out in public, well that's gonna take alot of work for me to get to that point... then getting the guts to try going out there and hoping I'm able to go around without causing a ruckus. Thankfully, I live in a town that I've only been in for a few years so not many around here know me.
I have a trans friend in a small mountain town in Eastern Kentucky and at her request I went to her town (Hazard Kentucky) and spent the day enfemme with her.
It was her first time out emfemme and we both had a great time without any problems.
Did we pass? I'm sure we didn't but it didn't matter because the people were as nice as they could be and yes even the redneck good old boys had no problem with us.
We hung out at a local burger joint that evening and the local GG's treated us like gold and had us hang out with them.
Was I apprehensive to go there enfemme? Yes I was because I hauled coal out of that town for 20 years and I know what that town was like back then.
To say rough is an understatement and it still is that way in many areas.
The people are are very protective and don't like outsiders in general but times are changing.
I met several of her trans friends and their community is growing which is a good sign of tolerance.
Hey people! I take offense to the term "redneck." That's derogatory and downright ractist in my view. It's no better than calling someone an N word. For some who want acceptance, show some. The most hate filled people I experienced were not conservatives, but the type more likely to identify with liberal.
Hell-o Traci,
Was there ever a time when you yourself were confined to your closet?
I imagine there are a few here that might say no to that question (LIARS!)
But for those that would like to get out and enjoy themselves, that can be a real challenge.
Sure they can get some ideas from other forum members on how to go about getting out,
but applying those ideas to their own particular situation is another challenge in itself.
And sure the fear they are sensing may be all in their own heads (where else would it be, Duhhh) whether real or
just perceived possibilities, it doesn't matter, its there!
Telling someone that they will never know if they can fly, if they don't jump, doesn't help them fly!
Finding a friend that had flown before, and having that person hold my hand as we both jumped together worked for me.
Much Love,
Kristyn
I smile because you are my friend, and
I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!!!
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