Finally excepting my fem side

[stacifox13]

I don't know if this is the place make this statement but hear it goes. I am feeling at extreme ease blissful in this pink fog I don't want it to go away I am finally not having internal conflict.not fighting these thoughts and feelings. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and all I had to do is accept myself and who I am. I had to get honest with my self. I guess the question would be when did you except who you where. was there any internal battle with your self and how did you deal with it. any input help me. thanks in advance

[St. Eve]

yippee, congratulations Staci....
inner peace has been the search for centuries....millenia

I have been battling for 40 years and am just barely coming to peace and coming out....I am very glad for your post.
On my days of complete acceptance, I have a peace that is different from any I have had in my life.
I am still working on what gender fluidity looks like in my life, especially with a well known 20 year relatively public, client centered life and a spouse who is having a very difficult time....and....on days when I have acceptance of myself (especially around the few days I have had as completely EvaLyn) I experience an inner peace and joy that is very new.

Looking forward to more of your story.

Peace
EvaLyn

[kittie60]

Congrats on excepting yourself. Yes for many years II have battled with myself. I was born a transgender. I first thought that I just like women's clothes but after several trips to doctors and test I found out what I was. That's when the battle with myself and family started. Now I have accepted it and the last years has been an emotional rollercoaster, the life I now choose is getting better all the time. Accept and embrace it. It is who we are and as always it will get better. Actually for me it's like a second chance in life. You will be much happier stack,

[Krisi]

A couple years ago, I finally accepted that I was a crossdresser, not just someone who liked to dress up as a woman. To some folks there's no difference, but to me, it was a realization and a relief. I suppose that once you have accepted the fact that you are a crossdresser, there's no longer any guilt in wearing women's clothes, breast forms, wig, etc.

[Kate Simmons]

It was a good day when I accepted my feelings and made them my own. I don't follow any particular path other than my own. Now I can be who I want when I want and that is priceless.

[Teresa]

Staci,
I came to terms with it when I joined the forum, I read threads and replies from members older than me and the realisation came that CDing is for life, since my counselling I now know I was born with a female trait. Whatever anyone says to you good or bad is not going to make you feel any different inside, the feelings don't change or go away . So now I don't care who knows about my CDing most of the guilt and shame have gone, why should I have those feelings when there's nothing I can do to change them. I wrote all of this down and much more, my wife finally sat and read it, we talked about separating if she couldn't accept what my true feelings and needs are now. I realised that I couldn't stand the hurt of losing my family or walk away from my obligations but also I needed my own space to be the Teresa part of me. I'm finding the decision hard because too much of me is still hidden away and shrouded in secrecy, I made it clear a while ago that was getting too hard to live with, if it still screws you up you can't be the person they want you to be.
It's not just yourself that has to accept the fem side but also the family and friends around you and really it's not so bad as long they know your not TS and may lose you for ever !

[IamWren]

Congratulations Staci, that is a big breakthrough. Like Eve said, it is a journey that humans have been on since we had the cognitive ability to ask ourselves "why am I here and what is my purpose?" and for some (if you believe in the metaphysical) it takes hundreds of lifetimes.

I myself, am not there yet. I'm not even sure I'm trying as I try to explain my CDing away as an art form or a hobby. I suspect it's because of the social conditioning we (I) have experienced. I am having a hard time getting over the stigma that I believe is attached to the term 'crossdresser' or 'transvestite'.

I applaud you and the others who have been overcome this hurdle. So proud of you all. I'm still trying to work up the nerve to take the first steps to run toward the hurdle let alone to jump over it.

[MissDanielle]

I had that experience in the last two weeks when I finally signed up for the forum. I don't know for sure that I was born TG but I don't feel that CDing is a choice. I'll know more about myself when I see a therapist on Monday but I'm pretty sure I'm heading in the femme route after I move out of my folks' house for good.

[Gabby6790]

This came to me about 3 months ago. I chalked it up as a kink for 20 years then after go out dressed and fully dressing a few times I started to think there was more to it. Then I discovered this forum and realized that there were a lot people like me out there. I realized it was going away and that I was somewhere left of center on the gender identity scale.

I am still struggling with how to come out to my SO but there is already a tremendous relief understanding myself and the struggle I have had over the past 20 years.

Congrats, it's a great feeling isn't it?

[Teresa]

Sue,
I can only suggest you get to know yourself and forget the labels, once you accept the reality of the facts behind your dressing you can move forward. I use to get annoyed about members calling it a hobby, from my own experiences hobbies don't put you through the pain and suffering CDing can bring. I've changed my opinion and accept it can be an enjoyable hobby to some, I do enjoy it now since fully accepting the facts.

I personally don't believe you can go indefinitely not telling your partner, the hiding , deceit and lies are so destructive the longer it goes on, there's never a right time but who knows your partner might be more supportive and accepting than you thought .

[pamela7]

accepting who we are can arise in many contexts, and we're not allowed anything that might appear religious, so therefore spiritual also, so let's just say inner peace and joy comes when there is no conflict. in the case of the CD-TG world that comes down to letting go of who you are, where you want to get to and any labels, and focus on enjoying your present experience. you're doing this, enjoy it, and keep enjoying it!!!

[Rachael Leigh]

Staci I know for me I have accepted a lot of myself and this part of me but I am always looking and wondering is this what I want is this ever going to stop.
For me its an ongoing battle and I doubt I will ever be totally comfortable but I try not to beat myself up over it.

[Beverley Sims]

I never went through this phase, my girlfriends always encouraged me and if I looked out of place, someone had a wardrobe to suit.

[JustWendy]

I guess the start of self-acceptance was when I joined this forum almost 6 years ago. Reading the common thread through so many stories, I didn’t feel as odd, being a guy who was happy as a dad and attracted to woman, but a guy who also liked to look like a woman. I came to accept this was a part of the very core of who I am. I got the “gene” that likes and wants “pretty”. At some point in my first year I was able to say to another member that I was transgendered – at the time, an accepted expression that I was on the spectrum. Perhaps today, gender fluid is a better description. Regardless of the label, saying it was another step on the acceptance journey. Over time, I’ve come to like the image in the mirror, I dress year-round now (not just winter), and, while I’ve donated clothes that no longer fit or I no longer wear, I haven’t purged in years – another step. And the pink fog isn’t really a thing that overtakes me anymore. I still like to shop, but now I’m just adding a few things to what I already have. I think this is another step. I no longer dress in bursts and go on shopping frenzies. Dressing is frequent and regular and feels pretty normal. That’s not to say that I have any confidence that others would find the same acceptance in this part of me. I only dress at home, but that’s okay with me. This is an important part of me, but only a part.

Wendy

[OCCarly]

Congrats on excepting yourself. Yes for many years II have battled with myself. I was born a transgender. I first thought that I just like women's clothes but after several trips to doctors and test I found out what I was. That's when the battle with myself and family started. Now I have accepted it and the last years has been an emotional rollercoaster, the life I now choose is getting better all the time. Accept and embrace it. It is who we are and as always it will get better. Actually for me it's like a second chance in life. You will be much happier stack,

What Kittie said. Realizing that I am a transgender, and starting to express femininity without shame or guilt meant no longer fighting with myself. It meant a measure of peace of mind for the first time in I don't know how long, and it meant no more panic attacks, anxiety or high blood pressure. This is not just about having fun, it is about really taking care of my health.

[Allisa]

I guess my total acceptance came after I joined this site and realized there was nothing wrong with me through others stories of life. It was and still is a freeing and uplifting of my spirit and self being. It is so hard to unlearn a lifetime of prejudice, misinformation and ignorance. Happy and peaceful is my inner self now and I've been told that it shows(in not so many words) from long time relations.

[Anne K]

Nicely stated, Teresa. My SO in completely accepting. She encourages me and we have had a wonderful time together. Still, we realize that we have too much to lose if I were to go public. When I had my second ear pierced, a very close woman friend took my SO aside and whispered, "How has (me) changed since you have kown each other?" Sounds like an innocent question, but we know what it was about. I accept my fem side and so does my SO. Not ready to see if everybody else does.

[Robin414]

I myself, am not there yet. I'm not even sure I'm trying as I try to explain my CDing away as an art form or a hobby. I suspect it's because of the social conditioning we (I) have experienced. I am having a hard time getting over the stigma that I believe is attached to the term 'crossdresser' or 'transvestite'.

Couldn't have said it better Sayyidah! I've always considered myself 'that guy', the Ethan Hawk, James Bond guy (ok, I'm my dreams but still!) and although I think I'm in the Masters degree 'program' I'm still a noob, self acceptance can be the biggest hurdle!

[GeorgeA]

A couple years ago, I finally accepted that I was a crossdresser, not just someone who liked to dress up as a woman. To some folks there's no difference, but to me, it was a realization and a relief. I suppose that once you have accepted the fact that you are a crossdresser, there's no longer any guilt in wearing women's clothes, breast forms, wig, etc.

I'm glad that you posted this. I agree that there is a distinction between a crossdresser and some who likes to wear women's clothes. I'm the latter. I have always struggled with finding a term for someone like me. I am not a true "crossdresser" as you describe. I have not the slightest desire to wear bras, breast forms, jewellery, wigs or women's shoes. I dress for comfort, and those items can hardly be described as "comfortable". I do not pretend that I'm a woman, definitely don't look like a woman - I have facial hair. I always am a man, irregardless of the clothing I wear. I even go so far as some other posters had said "these are not women's clothes, they are mine", and I'm a man. Unfortunately, our culture does not fully condone such deviations from norm, therefore I dress only at home and in my store, after hours.

Even in such a cosmopolitan city as Toronto, with people from all corners of the world mixing and dressing in a multitude of "costumes", a bearded man in a skirt could not blend into the crowds. As a rather shy and introverted person I have no nerves to even try. I'm quite happy to live my two lives, one conforming to the standards, and one not.

I am happy that you have found "you" as I have found "me", even if it's in two parts.

I'm so happy to be a member here. I have met such a variety of interesting people of all stripes, and learned so much of what makes us all similar, yet each so different.

[Jenniferpl]

Self acceptance is a major hurdle. I just happen to have a lot girl inside me. Coming to grips with it has been challenging. Fortunate enough to have a spouse that is aware of Jennifer helps but has not been the end all. Finding that inner peace has helped. Also it is helps to know that other people are facing a similar struggle.

Accepting myself was a major hurdle. Probably the second major hurdle was learning how to live with crossdressing without blowing my life apart.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Staci,

You've taken a big step. Self-acceptance -- and getting rid of the guilt and shame feelings -- is really important. I went through YEARS of self-denial. For me, it was the encouragement of my wife (yes!) and my wonderful GG friends who told me just to be myself and that there was nothing wrong with it.

Now enjoy it!

Hugs,

Claire

[stacifox13]

Hi been away for a little bit. I read your reply's to my thread. They mean a great deal to me. That you took time out of your schedule. That you where willing to share your wisdom. I see courage,openness and hope in your reply's. Thanks again for your responsiveness. Your Friend Staci

[Ally 2112]

The pink fog can be great .Self acceptance can be priceless