I'm overwhelmed

[PaulaQ]

TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT.

This is not good advice, really, in my opinion. It's exceedingly difficult to tell the difference between depression and anxiety that are gender related, and clinical depression and anxiety. This approach, by my first therapist, nearly killed me. I waited months and months to see if antianxiety / antidepressant medications would help. They didn't. I attempted suicide. We waited longer - you know - just to be sure, to give the medications more time to work. I very nearly didn't get a letter from that first therapist. If I hadn't, I'd have started with a new therapist in Dallas, and gotten a letter through her - if I'd lived that long. Really, by the time I started, I was barely holding on. A couple of weeks later after starting HRT, I felt substantially better, and after a couple of months, I was fine. I talked to the doctor, weaned myself off of the antidepressant / antianxiety medications, and continued to be fine. (Fine meaning "I was no longer actively suicidal.")

The comorbidities they need to look for are ones that directly affect your identity - multiple personalities, untreated schizophrenia, generally things that so profoundly affect your mind that you can't really give informed consent. Comorbidities of this sort make treating GD really tough. There aren't a lot of doctors here in this state anyway who'd touch a patient like that. If you are sufficiently mentally ill, and have GD, your chances aren't good here in Texas. I've seen some sad, sad situations. This type of mental illness is pretty rare though.

[crobeson96]

Ashley - You've got a plan, a series of appointments, a way to proceed forward. The girls here will support you and respond to you while you wait on the next appointment.
Please, Please, Please - Respond to other people's posts, too, while you wait. Your experience is helpful here, your perspective is helpful, you have wisdom and intelligence that other girls here need. Just share and talk to us.
The times in life I've been most conflicted, one of the best ways to respond was to set my worries on a shelf somewhere and go help someone else. Church, soup kitchen, sorting clothes at Goodwill - they all need help you can provide. The time will fly until your next step.

[AlleyKat]

wether you try hrt first or not, you know it is an option with the therapist you have. If you don't feel ready, talk to them and ask if there is something else to try. And if those other treatments aren't working, you know you have a back up plan.

The other thing that helps me in the interim is talking to a friend in the know, but talk about anything else. It helps with the feeling of being alone, and gets your mind out of the trench for a while. And like has been stated before, you've got fam here. I doubt very much anyone on this thread would be upset about taking some time to respond to a pm if you needed to talk one on one.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I hope the different perspectives here have given you some food for thought Ashley.

PaulaQ's advice is true for her, for her experience, but my instinct is with ReineD - that if you can possibly bear to, try to deal with your other emotional issues, with therapy and/or medication, before taking the radical step of HRT. Such important decisions are best made from a place of stability and posivity.

Because the crossdressing is so physically visible you focus strongly on it as evidence of your weirdness, yet to every one of us on this forum, the crossdressing itself, and your physical appearance when dressed, aren't weird at all. You may still feel weird despite our votes to the contrary, but look at what you're saying- one member at least has told you clearly that they find you very attractive when crossdressed, and the rest of us certainly think of you as 'one of the crowd', so please at least give us the benefit of the doubt and downgrade the 'weird' to 'kinda different', otherwise you're in effect saying we're all weird.

Like some others here, I question the wisdom of your present therapist. My own experiences with therapists have largely been positive, but I've read some horror stories here: there are people out there working as therapists who have no earthly right to be let loose on another human being. I'm not suggesting yours is on that level of incompetence, or even that they're necessarily wrong in their assessment of you, but it's something to bear in mind. At least consider seeing another, qualified in gender dysphoria and related issues, before putting all your money on one horse.

As for your self-negativity, which has disturbed some here, I'm fine with you describing yourself in whatever terms you like and see it as simple honesty. You communicate clearly and don't pussyfoot around. Your life is a very tough place, and you are locked in a fierce struggle. But you have come here, where you are among very sympathetic friends, and to have taken that step suggests you see a glimmer of hope, however small.

You've been responding as this thread has gone along and I very much hope you continue to do so, as you have a lot of us very concerned for you. It's hard only to be able to comfort and support you via a keyboard and a screen, but we will continue to do the best we can.

Count me among the many here who wish you the best of luck and all the good things you would wish for yourself.

Hugs, Nikki

[Ashley in Virginia]

Ashley, you're seeing an endo for HRT.

Not sure what the procedures are in your state or even anywhere, but someone I respect in the TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT. There are good reasons for this. One, you want any other condition to be taken care of before you begin transition (other conditions don't necessarily go away once a person transitions and can in fact complicate things) and two, taking care of other conditions might help you see a clearer picture with regard to your gender identity. If the decision to start HRT right away is putting you in a tailspin, you might want to see someone who has a more holistic approach. Listen to your gut feelings.

I don't know if you've revisited your past threads. It might be a good idea to take a few moments and track back through your timeline. You can gain some insight there too.

I'd be wary of the "you go girl" advice here. You need to follow your own path.

I've revisited my old threads. I've always been uncomfortable with who I am. It's never been just cross dressing.... I tried to fit into things here at first, but as time has gone on, I've found myself on the outside looking in. And for the last few years I've just posted threads in the picture forum, I guess to satiate my own vanity and get some kind of selfish validation.

I've tried antidepressants, they did nothing to stop the compulsion to crossdress (not that they are supposed to, but a person can wish). I can't quite describe how I felt on them... They did keep me from killing myself, which is a positive I guess. But that's about all they did. I still didn't feel comfortable, I just felt blah.

HRT isn't the worst thing in the world. My understanding is that, if it isn't what I need, I'll find out fairly quickly. And most changes are reversible if I stop soon enough. I am not married or dating. Aside from my 2 daughters, I have absolutely no family to come out to (they are long dead) and I have no friends to speak of. At this point I'm a ghost.... I have nothing to lose really. If I had guts I would have just killed myself a long time ago. My kids are the only reason I'm willing to try this because they need someone to be around for them... Even if it is their weird transitioning dad.

Because the crossdressing is so physically visible you focus strongly on it as evidence of your weirdness, yet to every one of us on this forum, the crossdressing itself, and your physical appearance when dressed, aren't weird at all. You may still feel weird despite our votes to the contrary, but look at what you're saying- one member at least has told you clearly that they find you very attractive when crossdressed, and the rest of us certainly think of you as 'one of the crowd', so please at least give us the benefit of the doubt and downgrade the 'weird' to 'kinda different', otherwise you're in effect saying we're all weird.

Hugs, Nikki

Thanks for the thoughts...

I don't want anyone to take offence at my use of the word "weird".... Weird is a relative term... What's weird to me isn't weird to you... I don't know how to express myself differently. I'm open to suggestions.


I just want some peace. It shouldn't be this hard to be happy.

[Demi88]

An idle mind may be the root of things not good. I find it valuable to focus on a mission to accomplish something of which I can take pride or just have fun with. My mission can be a hobby, charity or job. The list of possibilities is long. I would love to travel abroad. To a friendly country. I've entertained the idea of backpacking there as many people do on the cheap. I find it interesting that first world people generally seem less satisfied, less accepting and less friendly than some third world nation's people.

[PaulaQ]

PaulaQ's advice is true for her, for her experience, but my instinct is with ReineD - that if you can possibly bear to, try to deal with your other emotional issues, with therapy and/or medication, before taking the radical step of HRT. Such important decisions are best made from a place of stability and posivity.

It's nice you have an opinion. You are, unfortunately, incorrect, but it's nice that as a CD who's never apparently experienced really chronic gender dysphoria, and suicidal ideation resulting from it that you feel well positioned to give advice. I lead a trans support / outreach organization, and have seen trans people who responded very well and very rapidly to HRT. More to the point, I know all of the local gender therapists in this area. NONE of them would take the approach you like, trying to make sure the trans person isn't clinically depressed. I'm serious when I tell you that you can't so easily figure out if some of us are depressed because of GD, or have depression in addition to GD. Anyway, this would not be my first rodeo, hon.

I know quite a few trans people who benefitted in the same way I did in terms of anxiety and depression from starting HRT. This isn't universal, of course, but waiting for someone who needs HRT to not be depressed is simply *not* going to happen - that's the problem with that approach. How long should we wait then? Six months? A year? Forever if they never cheer up? It's entirely possible that someone on HRT may also need anti-depressants. I've seen that too. But waiting to start HRT until someone isn't depressed is extremely dangerous, because believe me, many of us wouldn't transition if anti-depressants would cure the underlying symptoms we face.

BTW, your post also sort of implies that you think gender therapists are really common. They aren't. Finding one in some areas is a major challenge. I know of about 10 here in the DFW area, one of the largest metropolitan areas in the US. Finding them takes knowing someone who can recommend them to you. Basically none of the other therapists or medical practitioners in this area, unless you happen across one who happens to be willing to treat trans patients, can give you a recommendation for a competent gender therapist. (Helping people find such resources is one of the things I do.)

I find it valuable to focus on a mission to accomplish something of which I can take pride or just have fun with. My mission can be a hobby, charity or job. The list of possibilities is long. I would love to travel abroad.

Thank you for playing too! But most of us have tried this, and eventually we reach a point where it is no longer possible to distract ourselves from our gender dysphoria. I tried it with drugs, alcohol, and then working 80 weeks after I sobered. Eventually, this stuff gets some of us.

[ReineD]

HRT isn't the worst thing in the world.

No, of course it isn't. I took my cues from the feelings you described in your OP: "being more stressed out, feelings of terror, scared sh*tless, anxious, nerves shot, and feeling you cannot handle the shame and embarrassment" of having people see your physical changes. And so it appeared as if you might not feel ready to start HRT.

But, if you and your therapist don't want to rule out any comorbidity and you want to try out HRT just to see if it is right for you, then so be it. All the information I get about this sort of thing, comes from transitioned TSs in the TS section.

Good luck!

[PaulaQ]

I really don't know of any therapists of any repute who work from anything other than an "informed consent" model. The ones who don't, I've observed tend to be looking to milk the trans person out of about six months of therapy bills. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not.

In an informed consent model, the therapist looks for comorbidities that affect your very identity, or impair your mind to such an extent that you can't really give informed consent, i.e. "6 out of 10 of the voices in my head say I'm a woman!!!" (Not making that up either. I've encountered this before.)

As much as I respect the other, already transitioned TSs in the TS section, many of them went through the older model that involved months of generally pointless therapy so that the therapist could reach the same conclusion you did on day one when you told her "Hey, hormones, gimme!" It's not that gender therapy is pointless, far from it. It's incredibly useful, and I'd highly recommend anyone in transition pursue it FAR longer than what you need to just get hormones. (Here in Dallas, it takes two to three sessions with a gender therapist to get a letter, provided YOU are able to ask for it.) The informed consent model is consistent with the WPATH SOC.

The general objection to this model is "Oh. My. God... What. If. You. Make. A. MISTAKE?!?!?!?! You'll destroy your life! Transition is the worst thing evah! BE SURE!"

To which I say: "meh. It's not so bad. Beats a dirt nap, and if it doesn't, hey, the big nowhere is still an option."

Look, transition is a slow process. I've gone really fast compared to most people I know locally, and I'm pushing 3 years from the time I came out to myself. (And I'm still undergoing electrolysis.) Hormones are highly effective on me (yay!) and I took a LOT of them. And still, it took half a year before anyone really noticed changes in me, and about 18 months before I could show people my "before" picture and have them go "who's that?" My point is that someone has time to figure this out. And again, trying to figure out if someone with SEVERE gender dysphoria is depressed because of a serotonin or other neurochemical imbalance in the brain, or they are depressed because they lack female hormones and are flooded with testosterone, and it's making them feel AWFUL, or they are depressed because life as a man is no longer tolerable, or all of the above, is not very realistic. The goal of a gender therapist IS NOT to prove or disprove you are trans. The therapist can't read your mind and has no way to know for sure. Making someone wait because they are depressed is a form of gate keeping, and gate keeping systems for gender are terrible. (For example, when I started thinking about transition, back in '81, if you were queer, you could freaking forget getting HRT. Back then, you'd better like men. All that, thanks to the cisnormative, heteronormative gate keepers.)

The people who want you to prove, for sure, that you are trans before taking a hormone are typically:
1. Your spouse, who likely sees HRT as the point of no return and is terrified of them.
2. People who think like your spouse. (I realize you don't actually have a spouse.)

I don't mean to pick on our spouses - transition is really hard on them, and ends the relationship with high frequency. However, what I say about HRT being the end of the line for many is what I've observed in NUMEROUS other relationships between cis and trans people. (Not mine - my relationship ended before I ever took a hormone.) I have a great deal of sympathy for spouses of trans women. The prospect that they will wake up one day and find that they are a straight woman in a lesbian relationship is pretty frightening to many women. I don't blame them. What I am saying is that they frequently overestimate how quickly HRT alone will change us. It takes a while, in the absolute best case. A typical case is more like 9-12 months, although you never know how you'll be affected until you start HRT. Some people go fast like I did, others are FAR slower - I know women who've been on hormones 5 years who don't pass well. (In their case, they'll need a lot of surgery to pass.)

Anyway Ashley, hang in there. If you are trans, you will enjoy the physical changes that happen to you. Other people will think what they think. My best advice to you in that regard is for you to find a larger city that is trans affirming, and has a decent trans population and local support, and move there if it is at all possible for you to do. It's possible to transition in a rural or small-town type environment in a red state, but it probably won't be a nice experience.

[Ashley in Virginia]

I don't know if I'm ready or not. My goal when I went to see a gender therapist was to get therapy. I figured it would be a few visits before we even considered medical treatment of this. I didn't even consider hormones to be an option for me before I visited her.

But when I sat down, and we started talking, and I had a panic attack because I couldn't even start speaking about this, I felt completely helpless. I have never felt so out of control in my life. At that point it's pretty clear that something more is wrong than just being a crossdresser who can't balance it. And that's what I always thought I was. I never considered I might be a transexual. I never allowed myself to sit and think about what's actually going on.

This thread has been very cathartic for me in that regard. I've expressed things in the last couple of weeks that I've never actually said before. I still don't think I'll be able to say them to my therapist, because I'm ashamed of it still. Shame is the biggest driver of my problems. I'm ashamed of who I am... I'm ashamed of what I feel. I just want to be like everyone else seems to be.

If HRT helps my mental state, then I'll figure out the rest with my therapist. If it doesn't then hopefully my therapist knows something else to try. I'm putting all of my eggs in her basket. I can't do it alone and I honestly don't think that right now I can tell anyone else about this without freaking out again. Hell, I freak out a bit every time I reply to this thread.

[PaulaQ]

There is nothing to be ashamed of, Ashley. Talk to your therapist. She isn't going to push hormones down your throat. If you feel you are a woman, and feel they will help you, try them. There really is no shame in any of this.

As for feeling helpless, yup, I get that. My gender was vastly beyond my power. So far beyond it that if I didn't transition, it would've destroyed me.

Your forum avatar, depression, anxeity, and your general tone remind me of what I went through nearly three years ago. That doesn't mean you are a transsexual, but they are indicators that you are wise to go to a therapist. And yes, I was deeply ashamed about this. And I felt soul-crushing guilt and remorse on top of it too because of my wife and children.

The severity of your distress over your gender makes does not sound like what most of the CDs here experience though. You are astute to observe that. I noticed that too about myself.

If I could make a suggestion, why don't you print off the threads where you've processed this stuff, and show them to your therapist? That way she can maybe have an idea of where you are going, even if you still can't say the words yourself.

[Shelly Preston]

Ashley,
You should never be ashamed about who you are. I know its not easy but hopefully the therapist will help you to get over the shame. I think you should write a letter with all the information you have told us. Then you should let your therapist read it. I think it may be easier than having to just say it out loud. This helps her as she will then have the information she needs to help you.

[Ashley in Virginia]

There is nothing to be ashamed of, Ashley.

Ashley,
You should never be ashamed about who you are.

I feel differently. I'm eaten up with shame and guilt.

I'm ashamed of the fact that I lie to myself constantly and that I lie to others as well. I'm ashamed because I've allowed my lies to hurt people I loved. I'm ashamed that I live my life in fear of people seeing who I am.

I've been selfish and by trying to live a normal life, I've created two children who are going to eventually have to deal with this. They mean everything to me, I don't think I can live with their disappointment when they find out I'm not the man I purported myself to me. I don't want to embarrass my kids. I don't want them to be the kids with the "weird dad". It's not fair for them to have to bear the burden of making excuses for me and my behaviors. I don't want them to have to hold the weight of my secret, its too heavy for them.


I'm ashamed of myself because I've dated women and hurt them to hide my secrets, I could never be open with them about who I am... I've been emotionally unavailable and that's not fair at all to someone who you are trying to be in a relationship with. The mother of my kids knows about this side of me. When she found out she lost respect for me. I don't deserve her respect. I lied and eventually the lies collasped on top of me. I don't deserve her respect at this point. She had to live for far too long when she was with me holding onto my secret. She was upset and had no one to talk to about it to protect me. I'm glad she did keep it, but it wasn't fair for her to feel alone and burdened with it. It drove a huge wedge between us and eventually the resentment drove us apart. I deserve all of the blame in that. I deserve the blame in ruining my kids ability to have a mother and father in the same house. And when she left us and picked up a drug problem, that was probably some what my fault as well. People don't need to escape from their problems if they don't have problems to begin with. I'm the problem. I create misery and resentment everywhere I go.

I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, especially when it's going to effect the happiness of others. What right do I have to make other people feel odd and uncomfortable?...

[Suzanne F]

Ashley,
I am that weird dad. I am full time now and will have surgery in May. I have two daughters that are 18 and 22. They do not live with me but we are close. I don't think they have ever been more proud of me. My son is 12 and in the 7th grade. He has taught me what unconditional love and acceptance look like. He proudly welcomes me to his school and I am there often.
I think you need to reexamine your feelings toward us. We aren't weird. We are people. Capable of all the best and worst that anyone else is. Our first step has to be to realize that we are not defective. We are beautiful and have every right to a good life!!!!!

I urge you to accept who you are. I don't know and you are the only one that can determine that. We have all failed and caused others pain. Make your amends and move forward. Your children need you and will benefit from you living an authentic life. If you want to hear stories of trans women that are wonderful parents and people visit us in the TS forum. I wish you the best!

Suzanne

[LisaKarenAZ]

Ashley,
As someone else also pointed out, I am also that weird dad/husband. I can easily relate to what you are feeling now, but I can also tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to share my story, that I had intended writing a post on, but hadn't done yet.

My wife found out about Lisa about 11 years ago, and it has been hit or miss ever since for our marriage. She felt deceived, cheated, and also lost her passion for the man that she married. I carried around the guilt and shame of this ever since. This guilt and shame would get exasperated when I would get caught up in the pink fog, get careless, and get caught again after promising yet again that I would stop. (I earnestly thought I could). When she would find out again, we would end back at square one with our progress.

We just got past all of this recently, as my wife is recovering from thyroid cancer, and subsequent total thyroid removal. In addition, she recently was diagnosed with a benign breast lesion that is being removed next week. Although this has little direct correlation with my crossdressing, it has everything to do with her acceptance of it.

As she has spent the past year debilitated with pain, swelling, and fatigue, she has come to the conclusion that this part of me is part of who I am, and she is able to fully accept parts of this "affliction". (Term used loosely)

We have been talking a lot over the past couple of months, and I have finally been able to accept her acceptance. In return, I have been able to let go of the guilt and shame, especially after she point blank told me that she better understands why I hid this, and that she forgives me for the deceptions.

As of today, I have no more male underwear, go regularly for gel mani/pedi with clear, nude, or sheer pink gels, use Secret deodorant, and feminine body wash, lotions, and body sprays. She has simply told me that she doesn't want to see me fully dressed, and to tell her if I have something new, such as clothes or makeup. She also doesn't want our kids to know about this, although I think they have inclinations.

Everyone's story of self acceptance is different, and you may never get the support of the SO, but I'm an example of that self acceptance being real.

Eventually, you won't be able to get acceptance or forgiveness from anyone else if you can't first find it within yourself.

Yes, we are freaks in the eyes of many in this society. But, our society is also rapidly changing and accepting gender variations much more easily than even 10 years ago.

You need to find a way to forgive yourself for all that you feel you have done wrong to others, and also come to accept that this is a part of who you are and that you would not be the person you are today without it.

So what if we like to wear clothes not designed and marketed to our birth gender? So what if we have much deeper feminine tendencies than the mass majority of misogynistic males in our world? These things make us all much more empathetic, sensitive, and in touch with emotions that impact our world in a much more positive manner than what society dictates.

Accept and forgive yourself, and the rest of your life will be much more accepting and forgiving of you.

[I Am Paula]

I love it when Americans say things like this. In Britain this can take two or three years between your first Doctor's visit and actually being prescribed hormones, and medical insurance doesn't cover any transgender treatment.

HRT is really cheap.

[OCCarly]

Ashley: Everyone deserves to be happy. Maybe you feel like you deserve to be punished for hurting other people around you. If that is true, then this: In society, we punish minor crimes with community service. So go sign up to serve Christmas dinner at the local homeless shelter, offer to mow the lawns there, sweep the floors or clean the toilets. Or if you don't want to get your hands dirty, then make a donation or two. It doesn't have to be a lot of money. And then let it go. If you want to know one of the better shelters to make a donation to, then PM me. In my job I work with a lot of shelters and rehabs.

The women you dated and hurt, they have moved on. If you feel you have to apologize to them, then find them on Facebook and send an apology. If that feels weird, then do the community service or make the donations, and let it stand as your contribution to humanity.

Now about the shame and guilt. Learn to ask "why?" Why do I feel shame and guilt? Well, as small children, we have no shame or guilt. When I was five years old and wanted to wear girls' bikinis, I felt no shame or guilt about it. No, someone put the shame and guilt there in the back of my head, and that would be my mom and dad.

After Dad had his stroke in 2009, I spent five years having shouting matches with him inside my head. Five years! Then finally I broke down, admitted to myself I was transgender, and started dressing at home. When I realized the source of the shame and guilt, and learned to put it aside, and tell myself that I deserved to live my own life, not the life someone else wanted me to live, then my blood pressure came down, and I started liking myself a lot better.

But maybe you cannot do this on your own, and this is why you have to trust your therapist.

But know this: We care about you. We honestly want you to be happy. We know that you have value. So don't be so hard on yourself.

[Dutchess]

I love it when Americans say things like this. In Britain this can take two or three years between your first Doctor's visit and actually being prescribed hormones, and medical insurance doesn't cover any transgender treatment.

Believe me not ALL Americans say or think this way at all . I am VERY suspect of ANY gender therapist that suggests hormones on the first visit. I have seen them ruin plain cd-ers and gender fluid persons lives by insisting they are in the wrong body . From how you are describing yourself I too think you need to get a different therapist and take it slow .

[S. Lisa Smith]

This is not YOUR fault!! Me saying this won't make you believe it, but it's true. But believe this: we care about you and are concerned about you!!!!

[steftoday]

Ashley.
Call Doc L tomorrow and tell her what's going on. Print off copies of your latest posts and send them to her. She needs to read what you're writing, even if you can't verbalize it to her directly. She might be able to fit you in sooner, and perhaps even influence your endo.
Don't wait.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Now about the shame and guilt. Learn to ask "why?" Why do I feel shame and guilt? Well, as small children, we have no shame or guilt. When I was five years old and wanted to wear girls' bikinis, I felt no shame or guilt about it. No, someone put the shame and guilt there in the back of my head, and that would be my mom and dad..

This is something I'm struggling with. My earliest memories of needing to wear women's clothing were age 10 or so?... I don't remember much of anything of my childhood, so I can't really put my finger on something and say "ah ha, that's it".

I remember being ashamed of wanting to wear my sisters clothes when I was that age tho. I don't ever remember being told not to do it until much later on when I got caught doing it. I knew it was something I shouldn't do, but I needed to do it.

I badly want to understand why. I know I could deal with this better if I could stick a reason on why this makes me feel like crap. But I don't think I'll ever get to the root cause, and without it.... I don't know if I'm going to be able to move past this feeling.

[MissDanielle]

I'm one of those that wants to know why I do what I do so I'm right there with you on that. I definitely remember wanting to wear women's clothing at 13-14 but didn't know why. No sisters so mom's closet was the only option for me.

[PaulaQ]

@Ashley - I felt much the same shame and guilt you are feeling. I was horribly guilty that I had lied about who I was my whole life. I worried about hurting my wife and kids. I was ashamed that I felt such an overpowering desire to be a woman. I'll tell you why this makes you feel guilty:
1. Society has told you for your entire life that you are a man. Period. End of story. You get no say in this, as far as they are concerned.
2. Society tells you that men who wear women's clothing are horrible perverts, potential rapists, and pedophiles. Therefore, that's how they view you.
3. You've internalized these horrible, transphobic views. A part of you believes you are a terrible person because that's what THEY'VE told you.

What you have to understand is that society's negative views and stereotypes about us are lies. Really filthy lies. There is nothing wrong with being transgender. Go see your therapist, ASAP. You will get past this feeling. You need to be who you really are, not what the world tells you that you are.

@cisgender people who think the OP is probably just a pink-fogged CD, or who aren't sure about that: Please observe a FEW little hints that might indicate this person is a bit different than the average CD here who posts "I want breast implants!!!!" and then gives a long description of the least practical ideas ever about staying closeted and presenting as male, while having big ol' boobs.
1. Note the rather desperate tone of the OP in her posts. If you'd like a comparison, read my posts from early on. This person does not sound like a typical CD, in my opinion. They sound a lot like I did back then. And I was really desperate and prone to self harm two and a half years ago.
2. Note that her posts aren't about all the cool, fun stuff about being a CD. They are about her horrible, negative feelings.
3. Note the hints of suicidal ideation. Again, not typical CD fodder - this isn't about panties.
4. Note the avatar of the OP - which she claims isn't about her, but which soooo obviously is.

I know it's hard to understand trans stuff, but if you want to know what a trans woman who isn't out to herself but is hitting crisis levels of gender dysphoria looks like, read her posts. And it's fine, really, if you don't believe me - but you are discounting her therapists, mostly because the therapist isn't giving the advice YOU want her to give - namely - don't transition! (Or delay a long, long time before you do it...)

Ultimately, only they can determine who they are and what they need to do, although a therapist can offer guidance. My sense, from reading their posts, is that they need to be about this quickly, whatever the answer is. I am afraid they are in a real crisis. This is pretty much what hitting the wall looks like. I know, I've been there and done that, and watched a whole bunch of other people do that too.

If you are concerned that a hasty decision on the slowest possible medical process ever can wreck someone's life, but not at least equally concerned that a slow decision or no decision could lead a trans woman who's hit the point of "transition, or die" to self harm, then I have to question your motives and priorities. And note that only ONE of the two choices above are irrevocable, and that's the one you don't seem to be worried about.

My concern avoiding dead trans people. Yours is?

[Teresa]

Ashley,
I can remember vividly my childhood and and how my CDing started, to me that is the key to explaining my CDing right through my life.
If you can go back and think it through it may do the same thing for you.
Your comment about antidepressants is interesting and how they affect us all differently, to me it made me feel better about my CDing which at the time my wife didn't want to hgear .

[Claire Cook]

Ashley,

Guilt and shame is something most, if not all,of us have had to deal with. I certainly did. Whenever I snuck into my parents' bedroom and put my Mom's bras and girdles and dresses on, I had these conflicted feelings of "It feels so right but it's so wrong." What was wrong with me? These conflicted feelings lasted most of my life. The big eye-opener was buying a copy of Lacey Leigh's book (The Emancipated Crossdresser) -- and meeting the wonderful people here -- that made me accept myself and realize that it's not my fault. That, and my wife and GG friends who accept me and tell me it's OK to wear what you want to wear and express the woman within.

I've been lucky, and have only had to briefly deal the the kind of depression you are facing. Years ago I'd lost an academic job, we moved to the Boston area and I finally contacted a gender dysphoria group. I never got past a phone call session, because as strongly as I feel my TG, I really did not have a serious gender conflict. I'd only offer a bit of advice: before you can truly relate to other people, you have to relate to and accept yourself. I think you'll find that people around you are happier when you are happy with yourself.

You've had lots of shared experiences and advice here, especially I think from Paula and Stef. Just remember that we are with you, no matter where your path leads.