Coming Out via Email (even to your mum)

[Debi]

Coming out is a deeply personal decision and one not to be taken lightly. I would probably classify myself as being ‘Gender Fluid’ (or I prefer ‘Two Spirit’) In the ’trans’ spectrum and for me, I just don’t like carrying around a secret like this. I’ve found over the years that it creates a sort of blockage that sometimes prevents me from giving myself fully to friendships. I have worried about tell tale signs of mascara or nail varnish giving the game away and for me, I just don’t like the feeling of being worried about being found out.

I have an amazing wife who I told before we got married (best decision ever!) and she is extremely supportive of this side of my life, so the most important person knows anyway, but over the past two years, I have been creeping out to segments of my friends and although it’s not right for everyone, I have found that using the method of email has been wonderful. I say segments - for example: I play in a band at quite a high level and two years ago, I made the decision to tell them about who I really am and decided to explain it all in an email, as I knew that if I were to sit down in front of them, either one on one, or all together, my mind would be racing and I would forget to say things that I thought would be quite important to say. I wrote a long email and addressed questions that they may have had in their minds.. for example … are you gay? … do you want a sex-change etc etc..
Without exception, these people were supportive beyond belief and their responses reduced me to tears!

Last week I used the same approach to tell my partners in a business that we have. Again - these are close friends of mine who I kind of knew would be fine with it so it was again a sort of ‘soft-outing’.

SO … I took the decision to tell my mum!
A few days ago, I wrote a very long email explaining WHY I wanted to tell her. Telling her that I could very easily NOT tell her and she’d never ever know about it, but I just wanted her to know EVERYTHING about me. Again addressing concerns that she may have had in her mind.
Although she was shocked, in the days since, she is really glad that I told her and although she doesn’t understand it (I told her that if I don’t then she NEVER will), she now knows that this is just another part of me and is fine with it. She was actually more concerned that I went through so many years of torment and that she wasn’t there to help me deal with it. We can now talk about the issue openly with no awkwardness or embarassment.

I know that there will be some that think that the ‘right’ thing to do is to front it out, face to face, but for me and the way MY life is. This has been the best way for me and I don’t regret for a moment, all that torture of hovering my finger over the ‘send button’ agonising over whether I should press it or not.
Now, all the people who’s opinion I actually care about, know about my female side and this is a great platform from where to launch myself when I come out completely. I don’t know when that day will be, but it’s coming …

Coming out is not something to be done lightly, but for me, it WAS the right thing to do. I feel a little lighter somehow and friendships have actually been strengthened rather than weakened. For any sisters out there who feel the same, but don’t quite know where to start, I’d be happy to give you an example of what I wrote in my emails - just message me.

I’m a very happy girl right now x

[bridget thronton]

I agree - at some point in time telling is the right thing to do and it does make you feel better about yourself

[Bethany38]

I have told a few people in my life. My wife knows, and has since I allowed Bethany to emerge. Some of the key people in my life know. And some not so key found out do to loose lips. The main thing is coming out is freeing. I am now able to handle this much easier now that certain people know.

[kittie60]

Everybody is different. Its your choice how YOU want to tell them.I'm happy for you that it has worked out well. Especially with your wife. Thats a big step for you. Keep up the good work and enjoy your selves.

[Teresa]

Debi,
I used an Email to explain it to my art tutor, I'd just finished a painting and dropped the fact in that I featured in it dressed , we didn't have chance to finish the conversation so I explained it in an Email. I also attached some pictures. His reply was an eye opener for me because he explained his struggle about being bisexual and how he wanted to keep his marriage intact. I will add that emails are great but showing a picture works so well for me. Telling people is one thing but people really take it on board when they see the reality.

[rachel de Corvus]

Hi Debi,

Thanks for the great post. I would be interested in seeing more detail via private message, if you are willing. One concern I have is is the message being forwarded beyond the sphere desired. Do you address that or just choose people you trust so much that you know the probability of them forwarding it is acceptably low?

I, too, am glad i made the decision to tell my girlfriend (now wife of nearly 25 years) before we discussed marriage. As you said, "best decision ever!"

Thanks again,

rachel

[Debi]

One concern I have is is the message being forwarded beyond the sphere desired. Do you address that or just choose people you trust so much that you know the probability of them forwarding it is acceptably low?

Great question! ... Yes, the probability of forwarding was low to non-existent, but with the decision to come out, even partially, or fully and regardless with HOW you do it, you must be prepared for EVERYONE finding out. It's an inherent risk and one that I was willing to take. Like I said, for me, especially with my mum now knowing, I pretty much don't care who finds out going forward.

I am always careful to point out that everyone's circumstances and outlook on life are different and I think that the 100% record of support that I have had is more of an indication of who I choose to be my friends. I know that with the wider circle it may not be so positive, but hey, it's 2015 and our trans brothers and sisters are making a stand like never before.
I am (now) proud and glad that I sit somewhere on the trans spectrum. This is a point that I put across in my emails.

I'll send you a redacted copy of one of my emails...

Luv D x

[MissDanielle]

Coming out via email is hard but for me, it was easier to get my feelings out by typing rather than speaking it. There's still some friends that I want, need, and have to tell but finding the words to tell them is so hard. I'm thinking it would be best that I tell them after I move in two months.

My closest friends couldn't have been more accepting and supportive of my eventual transition into Danielle. Honestly, just thinking about it is making me all giddy inside. My family on the other hand is taking it as a shock and are still in denial about it. They aren't educated on transgender and I hope that they will eventually be properly educated so that they will be able to one day accept me for their daughter and walk me down the aisle while I wear that beautiful white wedding gown one day. These signs first manifested for me during puberty and I ignored it for the longest time until I couldn't really ignore it anymore. The truth is that I am far happier when I think of myself as Danielle because that's the person I really am on the inside.

I'm trans and PROUD!

[alwayshave]

Before I moved in with my now fiancee 9 years ago, I wrote her an email and poured my heart out. She knew I wore panties but not the rest. She did research on the net and determined that most CDs are straight, her fear was I was telling her I was gay or bi-sexual, and then was perfectly fine with it.

[Beverley Sims]

I have a preference to meet people head on, that way I can judge their reaction before I get too deep in the subject.

If I get a good response I will open up otherwise save it for another time and day.