Dating advice

[JosieH]

Hello all.
I am new to dressing.
I have always been a fem gay man but, only recently have I allowed myself to explore dressing.
For those of you who have any experience dating men, I have some questions and I could use some advice.
I have posted on CL but, I'm not sure this is the best place to look.
Any other suggestions?
I'm not really prepared to go out dressed just yet.
Is it normal for guys to just "flake off"?
They seem all interested and then they disappear.
What about sending guys pictures of oneself; is it safe?
Have you ever had a guy show up for a date and then not like the way you look in person vs. your photos?
Any other general advice would be greatly appreciated.
I dated as a gay man but, this is a whole other ball of wax.
It feels a bit overwhelming at times.
Thanks.
Josie.

[kittie60]

Hi Josie. Are you looking for a gay man who likes crossdressers? There are numerous sites out there for that. Yes some guys just want to get something started for their own amusement and then leave you hanging. No I've never had a Guy leave cause he didn't like the way I looked. But they have left when I told them this wasn't for sex. I'm not gay but have had some CD admirers I've been out with. Most were real gentlemen and others total jerks. I'm up front from the beginning about the sex.
There's nothing wrong with sending or posting a picture of your self unless the Guy sounds like a jerk,then I wouldn't. All in all I guess its your choice,but it is a great feeling to be all dolled up and have s man take you out. Good luck and please be safe.

[I Am Paula]

Volumes have been written about internet dating. Be careful, lots of creeps out there.
Interested, then disappear?- Par for the course. They're lurkers, and trolls, and are in their rooms pleasuring themselves now. They have no intention of meeting in the RW.
Every picture you post on the internet is there for all eternity. Attach a pic to an email, and he can put it anywhere he pleases.
Give it a try, have fun, play safe.

[steph9]

I agree with the other posters... you have to be really super careful. I have found a few guy friends online for 'dating', but I'm not aware any good websites out there really. If anyone knows of one where the quality of people is better, please post!

[Sky]

CL is indeed a terrible place to look -but also the most popular by far and the only truly free one. So pick your poison.

"Is it normal for guys to just "flake off"? They seem all interested and then they disappear."
Baseball is the only sport where a success rate of 30% is considered good. In CL, I'd say 10% would be too good to be true.

"What about sending guys pictures of oneself; is it safe?"
There are lots of pic collectors in CL, and I suppose it's technically possible they would post your pics on the web. The question is, why would they? I don't delude myself to the point of believing I'm "hot internet chick" material. So I send them freely. I blur my face in the main post, then send clear pics in personal emails, and nothing bad happened so far.

"Have you ever had a guy show up for a date and then not like the way you look in person vs. your photos?"
Not yet! On the other hand, I've dated some guys who had either posted pictures of somebody else or pics were 20 years old.

Sorry hon, that's CL dating. You do find something decent -even good- every now and then. But the search is not for the impatient.

[JosieH]

Thanks so much. I appreciate the insight. It's all so new to me. 💛

[AlleyKat]

Besides the aforementioned creeps, theres other reasons for a gay guy to flake. I did it,I'm not proud and years later I'm sore from hurting a good friend. But I got cold feet. Realized I was not ready for a gay relationship, and bolted. For reasons like this, I actually expect more gay men to bolt than straight men or women.
Let's face it, that first steps a doozie.

As far as CL set up a dummy email first, about half the ads point to spam bots, and putting your own ad up will cause emails from spambots for years to come.

There is good to come from it too, it's where I met my so of the last four years, and even though we've recently separated, there's no regrets.
Not going to throw up all the safety rules here, I'm sure you know them or can find them.
Have safe and be fun.

[JosieH]

Alley. Thanks. You give me hope.
From reading around here I have put together some guidelines for myself.
If we don't exchange pictures, we don't meet.
If we don't exchange phone numbers, we don't meet.
If we don't text and talk on the phone, we don't meet.
And finally, when I do meet someone, I'm giving his name and number, etc to a close friend just in case.
Dating. SHEESH. LOL.

[Tracii G]

Posting on CL makes you look desperate IMO.
Lots of creeps there from what I hear from other TG's
You might try a dating site but I have met creeps and losers there too.
If you have never been out of the house dressed and have no experience out in the real world then you should at least try going out on your own first.
Being comfy out in public in girl mode is very important.

[CathyWallace]

As a gay crossdresser, I've had success from adult friend finder web site, but more success picking up men in a gay bar frequented by CDs. What I find ( my own experience YMMV) is that most gay men are repelled by CDs, but the Bi guys like us a lot.

[Tracii G]

Cathy thats what I have found too.
My gay friends are not remotely interested in a guy that CD's.
Being TG they kind of give me a pass and think I'm strange.

[JosieH]

You know, I have found there are lots of creeps both online and offline everywhere.
The key is becoming savvy enough to size up a persons character pretty quickly.
Fortunately, I've acquired that particular skill.
As for gay men, I traveled that road and it went nowhere.
As a fem gay man, I was persona non grata.
It only got worse after 40 and without a gym body and a giant, um, well, you know....you can forget it.
You're invisible.
But yes, the bi guys. The guys who identify as "str8", many of them, remarkably, are very interested.
Time will tell.
I don't know where any of it will lead. But, at least I'm on the dance floor instead of standing on the sidelines!

[Adriana Moretti]

Hey Girl....I have been on a dating binge this year...but I can say ( like others prob have too) craigslist is simply a waste of time not safe, and full of fakes and flakes.
If you are not prepared to go out dressed yet...you are not honestly prepared for actual dating.

You want to have a creepy closet queen craigslist encounter, by all means, go nuts...but be expected to deal with a ton of fakes, flakes, and lots of B.S...not to mention its not safe in many ways. But you mentioned dating....which is actually ALOT different than hookups.

In fact even internet dating sites for TG gals have been a waste ( i have been on 1 for over 2 years) never actually met one person. The few I would have met all balked when it was time to play ball.

My advice is to get OUT and meet admirer in the real world. They are real people.They are comfortable with themselves AND their sexuality. Here are some things I learned about men in my dating experience

1. They love the fantasy...but the reality is something different. Meaning..it sounds great when they are on their laptop with one hand on the keyboard, and another hand buried in their crotch..but to actually GO out and meet someone means they actually have to face their own sexual identities...which most are actually affraid of.

2. They will promise the world...i been offered my own apt, vacations, wardrobes and even cash...all just to try and get in my pants...and when I wouldnt give it up...the next day they wanted nothing to do with me.

3. If a man is not willing to show you his life beyond just a pic, he is not worth your time. Meaning not telling you where he works, or his full name, his REAL email address not his "tranny chaser" email etc...you can find out alot about a guy if you know how to use a computer and get the right info...that way you can fact check and do a bit of a backround check on him and see his interactions and daily life...does he have a facebook? That kinda thing....

Every man i dated were the ones who were willing to share REAL info, and REALLY open up to me...if a guy does not want to let you know where he works, or where he lives etc...he really isnt interested in you....i will give another example...

where i live its a gated community, so in order to get in you have to stop at the guard house, when you do...you have to show your ID ,& they record your licence and registration....I've had a guy completely dissapear as soon as he found out he needed to do that in order to meet me. Now any first meeting...I make every man go through this....cause I realized its actually a smart move...and thats the bottom line...you have to be smart, and be able to weed through the piles of B.S and lies that alot of men are going to throw at you.

Dating ( keyword) as a CD/TG is just like dating say as if you were a woman....a REAL woman is not going to put herself in a dangerous situation.....

[JosieH]

I have discovered that you can't tar everyone on CL off with the same brush.
It's all still new for me but, I have met a couple of nice guys.
It's shocking. I know.
Guys who actually share details about their lives and jobs and guys who plan to meet and show up and guys who are okay meeting me undressed.
Out in the real world.
I disagree with the philosophy that
"If you are not prepared to go out dressed yet...you are not honestly prepared for actual dating."
There are all sorts of relationships in the world and I don't believe in absolutes.
Let's not cobble ourselves into limited little boxes which don't allow each of us to express ourselves fully.
After all, isn't that the world we want to get away from?
I'm already prepared to deal with a ton of fakes, flakes and B.S.
It's called the Internet and I've encountered it dozens of times before.
Grindr, anyone?
Gay bar, anyone?
Match.com, anyone?
Unfortunately, I discovered, years ago, that people will behave in ways online that they would never, in a million years, think of behaving in public, face to face.
It's so peculiar to me but, there it is.
At this point, I'm completely uninterested in gay men, so, a creepy closet queen craigslist encounter is not for me.
I want a str8 or bi guy I guess.
But, who cares about labels, really?
But, I have to say, I am really very thankful to you all for taking the time to share your advice and experiences here.
I am SO appreciative.
Sincerely.
You are all helping me in so many ways.
Helping me to know how to proceed more cautiously.
Helping me to not second guess myself.
Helping me to know when and where to trusty own judgement and instincts.
Helping me to know myself better and how to best carve out my own space in the world.
I'm so glad I have found you all.
XOJOSIE

[Tracii G]

If you have dated off CL already then fine have at it.
I know you can't paint all with one brush but you know there are scum out there perhaps you have been lucky so for but what about the next time?
If you are new to dressing thats a different ball game entirely and changes the dating spectrum a bit I would think.

[Sky]

I have discovered that you can't tar everyone on CL off with the same brush.
It's all still new for me but, I have met a couple of nice guys.
It's shocking. I know.

Absolutely true. As I mentioned, the success ratio is low, but not zero. If you're patient, the good dates eventually come to the surface.

I'm also in the minority with this, but the actual risks are way lower than what the common perception is. I've had a ton of bad dates, but the worst ended in plain boredom, never in danger. Not once I felt really threatened. With a minimum of common sense you can pick most of the creeps in the first email or text.

[pamela7]

This is a really interesting thread for me. The idea that "bi" men would be the natural other partners in a bi CD's life makes sense. Over the nearly 40 years of my sexual life I've been hetero, apart from the early years when I had a bi male relationship too (we both had girlfriends in parallel, for many years, our primary relating was with our gf's but we kept our dating going for like 8 years in the background). We kept it secret, and I never looked at or fancied a guy, ever. There's something to this bi-ness coupled with CD methinks. Thank you all for provoking a useful insight.

xxx Pamela

[sometimes_miss]

No, I have not dated guys; however, what you're experiencing isn't out of the ordinary for straight dating, either.
Guys (and girls) will just 'flake off'. Either they changed their mind about finding you interesting, they went back to their previous partner, found someone they like better, or perhaps they have been living as a straight and wanted to try out dating another guy, and decided they either don't like it or can't accept the idea after all. Lots of possibilities.
Sending pics is fine if you're 'out'. Otherwise, once you start sending pictures, whether you are out or not is no longer under your own control.
I had one woman tell me she didn't want to pursue anything more than friendship because she wasn't attracted to me at all. She was almost apologetic about it, maybe I resembled someone that reminded her of a bad past experience or something. We can't control when that happens.
Dating is overwhelming. You'll get used to it. Either way, always be safe. When you're meeting new people, make it in a public place somewhere, with several means of leaving without being followed. Restaurants in malls are always good, so are busy city areas (like oh, Times Square) where you can grab a taxi easy enough.