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Thread: Coming Out to Long-Term Friends

  1. #26
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    This is something I worry about a lot, coming out to friends family and work colleges. Eryns story gives me a little perspective, hope and guidance as do all shared experiences on this forum.

    Badtranny - Developing a 'stiff spine, thick skin, and a solid grasp on the hard facts' is something I will have to work on as you have mentioned this before and I trust you have significant personal insight in to this, but suppose you mean it is different to pretending to be a guy? and the think skin required to live your genuine self in the face of a binary world. If I can not Woman up in a hurry then either I do nor belong on this forum nor in the CD group.


    Debs.
    Last edited by debstar; 12-31-2015 at 04:34 PM.

  2. #27
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    Those long time friends that I knew wouldn't or couldn't accept me, I just let the friendships slide. Others more than likely told them about me by now, and none have contacted me. Adios, bro. I don't have that many friends anyway, but I do have lots of acquaintances. Not close enough to really care about.

    I talked our uniform supplier to change the name on my work shirts (done), and they brought several pairs of women's Wrangler jeans for me to try on. Should have them next week. The only thing I need at work is my new company credit card.

    Here in Smallville, life is good. Transitioning in place ain't so bad when you work with and for good people.

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    Be nice; It don't cost nothing.

  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leah Lynn View Post
    Here in Smallville, life is good.
    But they still let you keep the cape, right??

    DeeAnn

  4. #29
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    How do closeted people come in here and spout meaningless platitudes to people who are coming out?

    ...also, I thought Eryn was 100% out "except for work"? Didn't we have some protracted discussion about how insignificant that "one last little bit" was?...
    One of the couples I referred to above includes a work colleague, the other couple is not from work but are in my (very) local community. I have been out to my in-laws for some time, but this is the first time I've visited them as Eryn.

    I don't recall if I ever said "except for work." I might have or I might have said "except in my local community." The two groups are nearly the same, but there are a couple of people who are in one but not the other. I made the statement without considering that it might be scrupulously examined by a reader whose only goal is to find a "gotcha."

    I do not appreciate this attempt to hijack the thread and chill discussion. I write about my experiences because I want to share them. I want others to learn from my successes and my mistakes. Perhaps it will help them to pursue the goal of being real to themselves in their own way as I have in mine.

    I welcome constructive comments from everyone, those who are totally "out" and those who are closeted. Good ideas are good ideas no matter their origin.

    I do not welcome negative comments from people who think that any path different from their own is invalid and who wish to bully those who think differently into silence. This behavior has driven away a number of thoughtful and interesting members and it needs to stop.

    OK, now for a more pleasant topic, my latest experience:

    When I came out to the first couple in this thread I was, of course, not in female mode. I think that one of the keys to helping my male-world friends perceive me as female is to make their first experience with Eryn pleasant and diverting. The emphasis shouldn't be on me, but on whatever activity we are doing.

    The opportunity came up when the female half of the couple had her sisters visiting from back east. She wanted to show them a good time and asked if I could take them to a private club in Hollywood to which Eryn has member privileges. I explained the dress code to them and pictures were texted back and forth to make sure their outfits were suitable. After a few visits to various closets all three ladies were suitably attired.

    We arrived at the club and found that it was jammed. We dropped our car at the valet and were greeted by the doorman who ushered us into the club. We enjoyed a drink and saw a couple of very good shows. I gave them a tour of the entire club (which is a bit like a rabbit warren) and gave them what history I knew. We spent about three hours there and as the evening went on more and more people arrived and things got too crowded so we decided to go to dinner.

    Retrieving the car from the valet we drove a couple of miles over to Canter's on Fairfax. This is a long-established deli that has clung to its 1960s decor. We sat, ate, and chatted for a couple of hours about all sorts of things.

    Canters.jpg

    Fully sated, we hopped in the car and I dropped them off at their place.

    The best thing is, at no time during the entire evening was transgenderism mentioned! I do not know nor do I care whether my friend told her sisters about my status. Throughout the evening I was treated as one of the girls and that is how I want it to be. I consider this to be a milestone in my journey.
    Last edited by Eryn; 12-31-2015 at 10:26 PM. Reason: Added photo

  5. #30
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Eryn, I want to thank you for all of the reports that you have posted over the last couple of years whether they were the adventures of Eryn and Barbara, or just of Eryn now that Barb has hit the road. It's like a letter from an old friend that now lives a half a continent away. Regardless of the forum that they are posted, I take from them what relates to my life as I wander down this path.

    Thanks again, I like the photo, the three sisters sure do look alike!

    Hugs, Bria

  6. #31
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    i'm actually appreciating all the comments on this thread. I don't see anyone's posts as personal attacks, more they're usefully challenging - to me, at least.

    Yesterday I dressed andro (100% in ladies clothing, but not so that anyone would really notice) out of consideration of a feeling those old friends would not really understand. I feel i was right not to upset their NYE celebration, them being Scottish, and of an age where CD/TS are really quite foreign. They are lovely people, but even the conversation touching subjects close to it saw them becoming uncomfortable, so I left it alone.

    I can see this can be seen as lacking courage or truth, but I also see this as a respecting their needs too, in their house. Perhaps its a dilemma going to the nub of going through with tranistioning or being "all talk and no trousers". :-)) I see this as part of not wanting to be the cause of pain or suffering to others. I'm open to being challenged on it. I can see so many perspectives here.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  7. #32
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    I understand where you are coming from Pamela but I think you were wrong. Or rather it is not something I would do (which may not be the same thing). I do not know if you are full time but I believe that once you are then you should never compromise.
    I have every right to be who I am. I would never ask someone else to be something they are not. If some aspect of them was a problem for me then I would avoid them. Other people have the same option with me and some exercise it.
    I do not see the point of going through all that transition involves, finally having the freedom to be yourself, and then pretending to be something else to please other people. I spent a lifetime doing that. I am not doing it again.
    "If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse." ― Ain Eineziz

  8. #33
    Country Gal.... Megan G's Avatar
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    Eryn, I don't see any negative comments at all and certainly don't see any bullying. We are all on out own unique path, no two transitions are the same. I applaud you also for each and every step you have taken to live your life authentically, after all that's what transition is all about, no more lies, no more fantasy world..

    But Misty is right, how many terms do we really need on here to describe being in the closet still.
    Closeted
    Semi closeted
    Full time except for work
    Full time except for local community
    Part time
    Out to a select few
    Out at work
    Out to work colleagues
    And the list goes on...

    If your not out to absolutely everyone your still closeted in some way. Like Misty I can appreciate coming out at your own pace and waiting until your ready because this crap gets very real, very fast once you are 110% out.

    I know for me once I started the coming out process it became very hard to hide who I was to those that did not know and needed to live my life authentically. So I treated it like a bandaid, one fast motion to rip it off to get it over with. Once it was over and only then was I truly able to live free and be me 100% of the time.

  9. #34
    Aspiring Member MissDanielle's Avatar
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    My email client is set up to where my signature is my name and there's been a few times after sending emails in which I couldn't remember if I deleted the LE from the end of my first name in an email sent to someone I'm not out to. I'm going at my on pace.
    Last edited by MissDanielle; 01-01-2016 at 02:39 PM.
    I'm a nice Jewish girl.

    I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.

  10. #35
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    I'm going to take Pamela's side. How is Pamela's authenticity compromised by not pushing she gender identity in the face of those that are dear friends. Pamela is not denying who she is, just going about normal life, interacting with friends in a social situation.

    I would call that being polite. Not everybody is called to be an activist. I appreciate Eryn's example of coming out to friends in a considerate fashion.

    My 2 cents.

    Hugs, Bria

  11. #36
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    I appreciate going at your own pace and doing it your own way. But being polite about who we are is part of the problem. That is why we live in shame and humiliation. I used to bristle about being out everywhere except work. But guess what? It got real now that I am me 24/7. There is another layer when you are totally out of the closet. There is no semi closet. I do jot owe anyone being less than the real me. I totally owe it to myself to quit apologizing for being me. I respect anyone's decision to stay in the closet just let's not try to dress it up.
    Suzanne

  12. #37
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    I care about my friends and colleagues. These are people who have stood with me for decades and I'm pretty sure that they will continue to stand with me. If there is a way to ease their process of getting accustomed to me as a female that is what I will do.

    It is possible to assert what we are quite firmly while still remaining polite.

    On to new things:

    We took my work colleague and his wife to dinner and the opera (Pacific Opera Project) yesterday evening. Everyone had a great time. In the course of the evening they misgendered me a few times and apologized, but habits of 20+ years are hard to break. In fact, I take the misgendering to be an indication that they have relaxed and are not preoccupied with my gender. They're just out with friends. As my friend said, "you're still my buddy, no matter what you're wearing!

  13. #38
    Silver Member DebbieL's Avatar
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    At my last high school reunion, I came as Debbie. I had put pictures of me as Debbie in my profile, and let them know I would be coming.

    When I got to the reunion, 6 girls I had known since second grade gave be a warm greeting, calling me Debbie and giving me a nice friendly hug. They smiled and one of them said "It's about time, I'm just surprised it took you so long". It seems my best kept secret wasn't such a well kept secret to these girls. They had known I was a girl inside since I was in second grade.
    Facebook - Debbie Lawrence
    Web - [URL="http://www.debbieballard.org"]DebbieBallard.org{/URL]
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    Open4Success

  14. #39
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Another interesting growth experience yesterday.

    Mimi and I had been to a jewelry show at the LA Convention Center on Saturday and I was wearing a long T-shirt dress since it is rather warm here in SoCal.

    My daughter has a new beau and they were on their second date. She decided to drop by and introduce him to us. We were introduced and he didn't bat an eyelash! We sat and talked for a couple of hours. I'm sure that she told him about me in advance, but it was wonderful how naturally everything fell together!

  15. #40
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    I'll update on that situation with those friends: we've since been out with them to a formal dinner with me all dressed up, and out locally socially, so all in all a little pacing rather than a shock has meant no disturbance to them. I'm working 24/7 en-femme, hell this is Mexico, with clients in in-depth personal work, so I don't think I'm missing out on being out or avoiding, nor am i fudging issues or presentation.

    Thanks Bria.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  16. #41
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Pacing is definitely a good idea. I also find it a good idea to make the first outing with the female me one that has diversions. That way the attention is off of me and I'm just their friend having a good time with them as always.

  17. #42
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    Yes, another old friend got in touch last night, and is super-impressed/excited by my transition, and is even going to fly down here to pass a couple of days talking, now that IS a positive response.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  18. #43
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Coming out to three more co-workers!

    Another big opportunity presented itself today and I grabbed it!

    Some co-workers were having an after-work b**** session at a nearby restaurant. I dropped in with the group, in my normal work attire. In attendance were the group of people who I've most wanted to come out to, including the one work colleague that I'm already out to. There were two GGs, two males, and me.

    Now, I am always cautious about these things, as a secret once told cannot be untold. Still, I was tempted to tell them.

    The conversation wended its way around to the bathroom battles. Three of the people were of the "who cares where people pee" attitude. One expressed the "what about the little girls?" propaganda. I kept my head down, not wanting to tip my hand. I felt a bit gut-punched, as the one who repeated the propaganda was also the one I thought would be most supportive.

    The conversation drifted and I told them about the private performance art club that I'd auditioned for and just been accepted. I showed them my membership card, not showing them the back with my female name. They all congratulated me and the conversation went on.

    The session was winding down and I decided that the time was as right as it would ever get. I said "Before we leave, there's something that I've wanted to tell all of you. The bathroom conversation a while ago bothered me because it's very close to home for me. You see, I'm transgendered."

    Everyone there was outwardly supportive and thanked me for telling them. One of the GGs said "Do you want me to call you by your female name?" I replied that the name to use is the one that matches my presentation and I'm not bothered by mistakes.

    I said "To give you an idea of where I am at, I'd like you all to look at the back of this membership card" and passed it around. They were surprised to see my female name. I told them "Yes, I auditioned and was accepted as my female self, and in fact I've never been to the club as a male."

    We all got up to leave, and both of the GGs made a point to give me a hug, something that they had never done before.

    I am very happy with the outcome. Of course, the future might be interesting, as there are now three additional people who are now "in the know" and I cannot realistically expect the secret to be kept. It's just too juicy.

    I actually think that this might be a good thing. I now have a core group of supportive people who will say "Of course I knew, so what?" if asked about me. Word will likely trickle out to others which in my environment might be a better way for it to happen than to have a "grand announcement".
    Last edited by Eryn; 05-13-2016 at 11:19 PM.

  19. #44
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    E:

    I was just thinking about your step by step approach compared to my Splash. What it points up is that there is no Right or Wrong way to do this. It's more a function of one's personality and the surrounding circumstances. At any rate, we do what we need to do and that's the important thing.

    DeeAnn

  20. #45
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    The individual situation is of paramount importance, and I've continuously adjusted my approach as my situation has changed. Like many of us, my pace has accelerated as the goal becomes more apparent and it becomes more difficult to lead a double life. Above all, I want the people close to me to feel comfortable because they are my allies and defenders if those more distant shoot their mouths off.

  21. #46
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    I think understanding is a key point. Let's face it, when it comes to the subject of transgenderism, there are A LOT of folks that just don't know what's going on and that is exacerbated by the amount of agenda-driven misinformation that is continually spewed. The only way that folks will begin to get some idea of the truth is through us. But, we need to manage the news. In order to have people Get It, the information should come out in maybe 2, 3 or 4 parcels with some time in between to absorb and process what was said. I think we owe that to those who are open enough to want to support us.

    DeeAnn

  22. #47
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    sometimes it has to be done. I'm going to another funeral on wednesday and all my aunts and uncles and many cousins will be there - so i had to call two uncles up front; seems they already knew and while i don't know if they approve, it's okay and i'm going dressed as i wish.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  23. #48
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post
    ...Of course, the future might be interesting, as there are now three additional people who are now "in the know" and I cannot realistically expect the secret to be kept. It's just too juicy....
    Well, my prediction was correct. I was taken aside by another colleague today who said that he knew about my "changes," as he put it. He said "I just want you to know that you're my friend, we've been through a lot together, and I support you in whatever you end up doing."

    This lifted quite a load from me, as this particular colleague is rather religious and one can never predict how a particular religious organization has told their people to treat TG individuals. It turned out, at least outwardly, that he is going to be supportive.

    I've one more work colleague to bring into the fold. He'll likely be fine as he is a fairly progressive fellow.

    I invited the two GGs that I told in Post 43 to accompany me to a private club. They are eagerly figuring out a day that works for all of us. I get the sense that they are looking forward to seeing my female side!

  24. #49
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    that's really cool Eryn.
    the funeral today went really well, acceptance from all my cousins and aunts/uncles. No-one even noticed me in the really snooty cafe i visited with my mum beforehand - "just another older lady" (pass) :-).
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  25. #50
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    At the funeral, the important thing is that you were there.

    As far as being invisible, welcome to life as an older woman. Once we're evaluated as not being mating material or competition we disappear from the observer's consciousness.

    My last work colleague is now in the know. He's younger and a progressive thinker do I wasn't worried about his acceptance.

    The next hurdle for me is documentation, then on to management.
    Last edited by Eryn; 05-19-2016 at 10:40 AM.

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